Romantic Act of the Day

Facing Problems Together

2012-02-29T08:08:00.000-06:00

In case you haven’t noticed, life is full of problems. Maybeit doesn’t seem that way to you, but it sure seems that way to me. Every dayhas its own collection of problems which have to be dealt with, whether we wantto or not. In fact, problems are so prevalent in our world, that I’ve onlyfound one way to get away from them all… that’s to die.

The bigger problem isn’t the problem itself, but rather the problemsthat the problems can cause. I mean, the problems themselves are bad enough,but how we react to them can actually cause us more problems.

What’s our first reaction when a problem comes along? I don’tmean the little problems, we can usually handle those; no, I’m talking about thebiggies. How do we react to those? For most of us, our reaction is to explodein some way or another; normally exploding at those who are closest to us. Thatcan cause problems; especially when the person we’re exploding at is our wife.Ouch! A momentary stress-filled explosion, turns into a week of getting thecold shoulder.

I learned a number of years ago that the best thing I can dowhen those big problems come along is to shut my mouth and keep it shut. That way,I can’t say anything destructive. I don’t want to shut my mouth, but if I cansucceed in doing so, then I can avoid saying anything destructive.

When I’m faced with problems, I need my wife’s support. If Ican manage to keep my cool, then I usually have it. But, when I explode, I loseit. So, it’s really to my benefit to keep my mouth under control. I end upgaining more than I lose. My wife and I go through the problem together.

Here’s the really great part. Did you know that facing thoseproblems together builds intimacy in your marriage? As crazy as that sounds it’strue. Let me take it out of the context of marriage for a moment. Soldiers whogo to war together form extremely strong lifelong friendships. Even if theyhave nothing else in common, coming from different socio-economic, ethnic andcultural groups, they share the problem they’ve faced together. From then on,they’re friends for life.

That’s a key word, “together.” When we face problemstogether, it brings us closer together. We won’t see that in the midst of the problem,but we will see it afterwards. The simple fact that we’ve faced the gianttogether and defeated it together draws us closer.

Now, I’m sure you’re not anxious to look for problems toface together with your wife. Don’t worry, I’m not suggesting that you do. WhatI am suggesting is that you take advantage of the problems which naturally comealong. When they come, face them together, holding each other up. That simpleact will strengthen your marriage, bringing you closer together, especiallywhen you can share the fruit of your victory together.

2012-02-28T09:13:00.000-06:00

Have you ever read Willard F. Harley’s book, “His Needs, HerNeeds?” It’s a rather interesting book, showing the five most basic emotionalneeds for men and women. If you’ve never read it, it’s worth picking up. Doesn’teven take all that long to read.

Amongst the needs that Harley states for women is FinancialSupport, he describes it as “She needs enough money to live comfortably.” “Livecomfortably,” now, there’s a tricky term. What may be comfortable to onedefinitely isn’t to another. The filthy rich people out there call themselves “comfortable.”So, if we go by their definition, you’d better be a millionaire. Yet on theother end of the scale, in Veggie Tales story of “Madame Blueberry” the Frenchfamily living in a tent was more comfortable than the Madame. So, according toBig Ideas Productions, you need to get rid of your house, and pitch a tent in thepark.

Actually, comfort really doesn’t have much to do with howmuch you have. It has a lot more to do with what you do with what you have. Howyou live isn’t just a result of having money, but of using what money you havein a way that makes you comfortable. C’mon now, let’s be honest, you really don’tneed a 14 bedroom mansion to be comfortable, do you?

Okay, so if we don’t need that huge mansion, does that meanthat we really need to move into the tent? No, I wouldn’t suggest that extreme either.Regardless of how happy those veggies were in the tent, I don’t think your wifeis going to be any more comfortable there than my wife would be. No hot baths,no running water… just a little bit short on the creature comforts. While usguys can handle that pretty good, our wives really can’t.

So, where’s the balance in this equation? Well, it has to besomewhere in between. Let’s just shoot for middle class. Actually, any sort ofmiddle class will do, just as long as it’s middle. Now, how does one livecomfortably within those limits?

As I’ve already said, it’s not so much what you have as whatyou do with it. The first rule of comfort is that you can pay the bills, whenthey come in, without having to worry about them. If you haven’t seen italready, let me tell you, your wife can put you to shame worrying about the bills.She’s an Olympic champ at that and you’re a rank amateur. So, if you havetrouble paying the bills, she’s not going to be comfortable, no matter what.

The next thing I’d have to say that is necessary is that youhave some money set aside every month for fun. Yep, entertainment is animportant budget item. The reason that it’s important is that we all need achance to relax and unwind. Not having that opportunity builds stress; and that’sanother place where your wife can make you look like an amateur.

Thirdly, I’d have to say that you need to have enough toeat. Here’s one place that many families blow it. They spend way too much onfood, because they’re too lazy to cook. Eating out all the time, even in fast-foodjoints is expensive. If you’re taking your family out to eat all the time, you’rethrowing money away.

No, I’m not saying that you can’t go out to eat; but what Iam saying is to make it reasonable. Don’t get yourselves so busy that there’sno time to cook. Oh, and by the way, you can cook too. Don’t make your wife doit all the time. If you don’t know how, now is a good time to learn (warming upfrozen prepared foods isn’t cooking).

Finally, if you’re going to be comfortable, the home youlive in and the cars you drive need to look and work descent. That doesn’t meanthat they need to be new; nor does it mean that they need to be perfect. Whatit means is that you need to fix whatever is broken. Many couples spend a hugepercent of their income making payments on two cars. That’s the biggest moneywaster there is. By the time you finish paying for it, the car is worth about20% of what you paid. In the meantime, you’ve paid as much per month for thosecars as you paid for your house.

My wife and I drive older cars. Hers is a ’99 and mine is a ’96.However, they are both clean, run well, and in decent shape. Hers looks almostas good as it did when it rolled out of the showroom and mine would if I got itan Earl Sheib $199 paint job. The only reason I don’t is that it’s the car Idrive in Mexico, and I don’t want to look like I’m driving a new car.

If your furniture is starting to get run-down looking, coverit up; make it look good again. If your kitchen is looking drab, paint it. Ifyour carpet is wearing thin, put a rug over it. You don’t have to spend a lotof money to make your home look comfortable and in good repair. More than anything,you’ve got to spend a little bit of imagination, making things look better. Thatmight cost a few bucks, but more than anything it will cost you a little bit ofelbow grease. Cheap.

If you could do those four things, you could honestly saythat you have allowed your wife to “live comfortably.” Why is that important? Sothat she’ll feel secure; that feeling of security will translate directly intoa feeling of being loved.

Be Her Secret Admirer

2012-02-27T09:04:00.001-06:00

Women love to be loved; actually it goes much deeper thanthat. A large part of their self-esteem comes from being wanted by somebody. It’sreally not all that different than the way we guys are, we want our wives towant us too, and if they don’t it’s a real blow to the ego.

The expression of that need to be needed is different formen and women, but we all have that need. For men, it’s expressed sexually,while for women it’s expressed through words, looks and the desire to be withthem that we express. In their minds, it doesn’t matter whether they want tomake love or not, they need to know that they are wanted.

Of course, how we express that to them is important as well.It comes across very negative when we express our desire crudely; that’s a realturn-off. It’s also a turn-off when our desire is expressed in a way that ispurely physical. If they think we want sex just for sex, then they feel as ifwe want to use them. It makes them think that we just want sex with anyone, notthat we want to connect with them. That’s the key word, “connect,” to a women,that’s what they want. Whether in bed or out, women want a heart connection.The physical connection is secondary.

Let me get back on track here. If a woman, your wife forexample, wants to be wanted, then it would help for us to be able to express that,but not in a physical way. Instead of focusing on the physical, we shouldexpress that in a way that sounds more like a heart connection than a physical one.

Here’s an idea to get your wife going a bit. Start sendingher e-mails from a “secret admirer.” Now, to do this, you’re obviously going toneed to use a different e-mail account, since I’m sure she knows your regularone. No problem, just open up a free account to use just for this. Somethinglike “secretadmirer@hotmail.com” should work just fine.

Then, send her a series of short e-mail messages, talking abouthow much you want to connect with her. You’ll have to do a little “acting” forthis one; pretending you are someone else. You could pretend to be someone whosees her at work, or at a local store, something like that. This pretending isto give you a context for your e-mails; you want to be able to write them as ifyou were seeing her from afar, in those locations. That way you can say somethinglike, “Every day, when I pass by your office and see you, it brightens my day.”

There are two reasons for this “acting.” The first is thatyou want to see if you can pull this off for several days, or even a couple ofweek. The other is that it is easier to do something or say something which mightmake you uncomfortable if you are invisible. That’s why people say the craziestpersonal things on Facebook, which they’d never say in person.

Keep your messages short, but make sure they are Now, don’tget offended if your wife starts talking about her secret admirer. The realsecret is that you know who it is, even if she doesn’t. That will just show youthat you’re getting through to her. Be careful that you don’t let your face oryour reactions give you away. You can have a private laugh, knowing that youare the secret admirer. Of course, you need to tell her eventually, but let thegame go on for a bit before you do.

Once she knows that you have been her secret admirer, you’llget all the points that she’s been saving for him. Actually, she probably won’thave stored up any points for him, but you’ll get them anyway.

Have Fun Together

2012-02-25T11:57:00.001-06:00

It’s taken me a while, but I’ve finally come to theconclusion that, other than sex, it’s much more fun to be a kid than it is tobe an adult. Think about it a minute. As a kid, the biggest worries you’ve gotare not breaking your parents’ rules and passing the algebra test. The rest ofyour life is all about playing, hanging out with your friends and generallytrying to have a good time.

Okay, so if that’s what life is like as a kid, why do we tryso hard to grow up? I mean, doesn’t that sound like a lot more fun than goingto work, paying the bills, cleaning the house, changing the oil in the car andweeding the flower beds?

It seems to me that we could all use a little more fun inour lives. We should all go back to being kids; playing, hanging out with ourfriends and generally trying to have a good time. Maybe if we did that, we’dsmile a bit more, enjoy life better and not have so many heart attacks andulcers. In fact, maybe if we could learn how to have fun together as a couple,we could enjoy being married, instead of just putting up with each other.

It is good to have fun together. It is good to laugh. It isgood to play. Those are all things we need. All too often, we take ourselvesway too seriously; I mean, really, is what you’re worrying about today going tomake a difference in 100 years?

Years ago, I heard of a couple who were having their 50^thanniversary. Somebody asked them what they attributed their success to. Withouthesitation, the man answered, “When we got married, we made an agreement; I’dmake the living and my wife would make the living worthwhile.” Wow, what ananswer!

Who’s making the living worthwhile in your marriage? Are youboth too busy, trying to make the living, to have the time to make livingworthwhile? If you both are busy making the living, then I’d venture to guessthat nobody is making the living worthwhile. That’s a problem. No wonder you don’thave fun together and laugh together, you’re too busy trying to keep up with theJones’, whoever they are.

If you both need to work, in order to pay the bills (as mostcouples do these days) then you both need to make an effort to take some timeto make the living worthwhile as well. More than anything, that means makingtime to have fun together.

I know, you’re probably thinking right now, “Okay, so how doI do that?” Simple, act like kids again. Get off your high horse of pride, quitacting like an old fogie, and play. That’s it. Don’t try and tell me you don’tknow how, you’re just pretending that you don’t know how. You’re afraid thatsomeone might see you. So, what? If they see you, at least they’ll see you witha smile on your face.

“But what if they say something about it?” you ask. Easy, askthem why they aren’t having fun too. Don’t let the onus be on you for enjoyingyourself, put it on them for being such a stick in the mud.

Playing together, and even more importantly laughingtogether, is fundamentally healthy for your relationship. Laughing togetherdraws you closer to each other. As you laugh, you relax, which also helps yoube more intimate together. It even helps you overcome disagreements andarguments that you might have had.

So, grab that pillow and throw it at her; or give her asquirt gun and a head start; or wrestle on the living room floor (or your bed).Don’t play a serious game, like Monopoly or Scrabble, play something silly likeCandyland or Chutes and Ladders. Better yet, play something where you can bothwin. Have fun, laugh, relax.

Talking About Your Dreams

2012-02-24T09:24:00.000-06:00

I’ve long been an advocate for a weekly date night with yourwife. For many couples, that’s the only time that they get to spend together, withoutkids, relatives and friends. Yet, couples need that time together, so that theycan communicate and bond.

For some reason, we spend a lot of time bonding togetherwhen we’re dating; but then, once we’re married, we don’t seem to have the timeto do so. I know that all those guys out there who say they don’t have time togo out with their wives would suddenly have time, if they didn’t have a wifeand were instead going out with a girlfriend. So, just treat your wife as ifshe was your girlfriend.

Speaking of dating, remember how much more fun it was totalk to your wife when you were dating, than it is today? Why is that?Basically, it’s because when you were dating, you were talking about yourdreams, and now all you talk about it reality. Even worse, what you usuallytalk about is some sort of problem or other.

Clearly, talking about dreams is much more interesting andfun than talking about problems. So, where did this change come from and whydid we let it happen? Actually, I don’t think we could have stopped it fromhappening, even if we tried. Life has problems and we have to find ways ofworking through them.

That doesn’t mean that we can’t still talk about dreams,though. Oh, we might have to make a conscious effort to do so, but that’s not thesame as saying that we can’t do it. All we have to do is pick a topic to dreamabout and start talking.

So, the next time you take your wife out, say tonight forexample, be ready. Have a topic already picked out, which will help you talkabout dreams. Something like:

If we had a million dollars, what would we do with it?
If we knew we had only one month to live, what would we dowith that time?
If we could build a house any way we wanted, no worriesabout cost. How would we build it? What would we have in it? Where would it be?
If we could change one bad thing in the world, what would bethe most important thing to change?
If we could go on vacation anywhere, where would we go? Whatwould we do?
If God allowed us to do any one thing for Him, what would bethe most important thing to do?

I hope you get the idea with these examples. You don’t have touse one of them, even though you are welcome to do so. But, there’s no reasonwhy you can’t come up with your own theme for your “dream conversation.”Remember, there’s no good answers or bad answers to this, there’s just answers.

The important thing about this is that when we talk aboutour dreams, we talk about the inner person; our hopes and desires. That’s thetype of talk that women want, not talk about problems paying the bills orproblems with the kids. They get plenty of that, but they want talk that willcenter on the heart.

Now, I know that we, as guys, have trouble talking aboutwhat’s in our hearts. This trick should help. But, there’s something that youneed to know about you, before you start. That is that most of us hide our trueinner self from our wives. Yep, we do that.

You see, as men, part of our nature is to defend ourfamilies. God created us with the attributes of violence and aggressiveness forjust that reason. Not so that we could beat our wives and kiddies, but so thatwe could protect us. Well, everyone knows that if you’re fighting someone, thelast thing you want to do is let them know your weaknesses.

Here’s what happens, before we get married and during ourhoneymoon, we lay our hearts wide open to our wives. Everything is peachy andwe don’t hide a thing. Then, along comes the day where we have our first fight.Suddenly, we realize that it’s dangerous letting our guard down, because shecan use what we’ve said against us. Ouch! From then on, we’re like the proverbialclam.

Well, if you’re going to talk about dreams, you’re going tohave to open up and quit being a clam. If you have trouble with that, make surethat you’ve forgiven your wife for any time she’s used something that you saidagainst you. Forgiveness is the best cure for the clam.

Touch her Tenderly

2012-02-23T09:25:00.000-06:00

According to Gary Chapman’s great book, The Five LoveLanguages, one of the ways we express and understand love is through physicaltouch. I think we could all say that Gary hit the nail right on the head withthat one. While we, as guys, see sex as an expression of love, he goes muchfarther, saying that physical touch in general, not just that which happens inlovemaking is an expression of love.

Touching is such an important part of expressing our lovethat God gave it biological significance. What I mean by that is that Godcreated the body to react to touch in a way that increases the felling of love.

The chemical oxytocin is released into our bodies throughphysical touch. While this hormone hasn’t been studied as thoroughly as thebetter known hormones, in the last 10 years, scientists have been looking muchcloser at it. Like all hormones, this one has an emotional effect as well, thatof making one feel in love. So, physical touch actually increases the feeling ofbeing in love with one another.

Granted, it takes the right kind of physical contact toproduce this feeling. Hitting someone isn’t going to make them love you, nomatter how much you do it; nor any other type of rough treatment either. It takesa soft, loving touch to cause oxyticin to be released.

Actually, a woman’s skin is much more sensitive than a man’sis. Therefore, the soft touch is extremely important. Many women complain thattheir husbands touch them much too roughly, especially touching their genitalsmuch too roughly. While that soft touch may be annoying to you, it’s a delightto her. A perfect touch to a woman is as light as a feather.

Remember when you were a teen out on a date, and you finallygot up enough nerve to put your arm around the girl? What did you do then? You probablystarted running your finger around in little circles on her arm, right? Well,guess what, that was the right thing to do. All you needed to do different isbroaden the area, so that you didn’t rub her skin raw in that one spot (women’sskin rubs raw easier than ours does).

Touching her intimately isn’t just limited to her erogenouszones either. A woman’s whole body is sensitive to touch. My wife likes it whenI touch the back of her neck lightly, or when I rub my fingers lightly acrossher scalp, through her hair. It almost doesn’t matter where I touch her, whatmatters is how I touch her.

We as men are designed to be strong and touch. Our wivesappreciate that part of us, especially when it comes to protecting them.However, there’s no place for that in expressing love to her. In that case, thelight touch conveys a lot of tenderness, caring and love. Someone once said, “Strengthis made great in tenderness.” Well, show your strength to your wife by touchingher tenderly.

The other nice thing about this is it’s a way that you canshow love to your wife anywhere and anytime. While she might not feelcomfortable with you kissing her in public, she probably won’t have a problem withyou rubbing the balls of your fingers lightly over the back of her neck in public.So, take advantage of that and show your wife love wherever you are.

What’s Important to Her?

2012-02-22T09:14:00.002-06:00

Have you ever noticed how everyone seems to have one that’s importantto them? You have it, I have it, your wife has it, even your kids have it. It mayseem insignificant and unimportant to you, but to that person, that one thingis the thing that their life is centered around.

Movies, especially comedies, capitalize on this and make funof it. The writers will pick out some insignificant thing, and make asupporting role center around their love for that thing. I remember seeing amovie recently, in which the character’s mother centered her life around herdog. Everything she said, she had to include the dog, as if the dog was inagreement with what she said. That dog even sat on her lap at the dining table.

Okay, so maybe that character had a screw loose. Fortunately,the rest of us aren’t quite that bad. Even so, the fact of the matter is thatwe all have something, or more likely more than one something that’s important tous.

Do you know what’s important to your wife? What gets herjuices flowing? What does she get passionate about? Knowing that is animportant part of knowing who she is. You can tell what these important thingsare, because those are the things she constantly talks about.

Let’s say, for example, that your wife regularly comments onthe front lawn of your house and even the lawns of your neighbor’s houses. Whyis she doing that? Simple, that’s something important to her. It could be thatshe sees the lawn as showing how well a family takes care of their home or thata well manicured lawn indicates that the people have their lives together oreven just because it looks good. She may not even know the reason why that’simportant to her.

The point isn’t the reason why it’s important, the point isthat for some reason it is important. Now, what we usually try and do as guys,is to talk out wives out of that. If we can’t see any reason why it should be important,we dismiss it out of hand. Unfortunately, when we do that, we’re saying “youropinion isn’t important.”

You can’t dismiss another person’s opinion as unimportant withoutdismissing them as unimportant at the same time. Whether you try and justifyyour reason for seeing it as unimportant or not isn’t the issue. If it’s importantto her, and you dismiss it as unimportant, you’ve essentially said that heropinion doesn’t matter.

How many times have we as men done this to our wives? Howcan we say that we love them, in the midst of dismissing their thoughts asunimportant? If your wife is important to you, then the least you can do isrecognize the value of her opinion, even if it doesn’t agree with yours.

I’m not trying to say that whatever is important to herautomatically has to be important to you. What I am trying to say is that youshould take into account what is important to her. Because it is important to herand she is important to you, you should make some effort to take care of thatthing.

Let’s go back to the lawn example for a moment. If your wifeis concerned with how the front lawn looks, then you need to realize that bytaking care of it, you are telling her that she is important to you. You arevaluing her opinion and her desires. You are removing a worry or concern fromher life. In other words, you are protecting her, even if it is just protectingher from herself.

When you love someone, you take an interest in their interests,even if they aren’t your own. Doing that shows them that you care, and isn’tthat what romance is all about?

Treat Her Like a Star

2012-02-21T08:04:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, I suggested doing something that was related toyour wife’s workplace. Well, today I’m still on that same vein, suggesting moreto make her feel special at work. Only, where the other was to brighten thebeginning of her day, this one is to brighten the end of it.

Everyone likes to feel special, important and like they’resomeone the rest of the world can be jealous of. We all tend to imagine thingslike that from time to time; whether it is about the great promotion, or beinga sports star or having the big house or even driving a car that turns everyone’shead (but not to laugh at it). Well, how about doing something to make people’sheads turn when they see your wife.

Here’s the plan in a nutshell; hire a limo to pick your wifeup at work. Yep, that’ll get some heads turning all right. Everyone will bewondering why she’s getting that special treatment. The gals she works withwill be burning up the phone lines, uh, cellular towers, wondering about it.

Let’s add a few other details to this, just to make it work.First of all, you want a liveried chauffeur. That means he’s dressed in a uniformto look like a chauffeur. It wouldn’t hurt if he can talk with a credible Britishaccent, either. Timing is important here. You want to have him arrive at yourwife’s work exactly five minutes before she’s scheduled to get out. Tell him topark the limo right where everyone can see it, even if it’s a no parking zone. Thenhe goes in to the receptionist or whoever would be appropriate and asks foryour wife by name.

Give him a nice “I love you” card from Hallmark or AmericanGreetings, made out to your wife, with her name on the envelope. Instruct herin the card to go with the chauffeur and not to worry about her car. She’llprobably have to go back to her office or locker to grab her purse, which ispart of why you want him to arrive at that particular time; that way, she cantell her co-workers.

One other detail the chauffer needs is a single rose, to beleft on the seat of the car for her. That way, when she get in, it will bewaiting for her.

You need to plan out somewhere for her to meet you, either arestaurant, or coffee shop, or even your favorite ice cream parlor. The placeisn’t the highlight; it’s having her picked up like that which is. Instruct thechauffeur to take her there, and be waiting for her.

She should arrive feeling pretty special. But, it won’t endthere, because the next day, all her co-workers are going to be asking herabout it. That will give her a chance to tell them what you did, making her feelspecial all over again. You’re getting two for one on this deal.

Oh, don’t forget to pick up her car later, or you could take her to work the next morning instead.

An Office Surprise

2012-02-20T08:08:00.000-06:00

You know, being romantic is more about using yourimagination to come up with different ways of surprising your wife withdemonstrations of your love, than it is anything else. If you wake up everymorning and say “I love you” you are expressing your love to your wife. But,after a while, it becomes routine, she might wonder if you really mean it orare just saying so out of habit. You might even start to say it, withoutthinking about it.

On the other hand, when you make your expressions of love atrandom times, she isn’t expecting it and it makes a bigger impact. Not onlythat, but there’s none of the rote routine that might cause her to think you’rejust doing it out of habit. So, while you can at times do things that you’vedone before, there needs to be enough time in between the repetition so that itdoesn’t look repetitive.

So, here we are at Monday once again; talk about repetition,get up, get dressed, go to the office; now that’s repetitive. Well, why notmake her arrival at the office a little special, even if you can’t make theoffice special.

How can you make it special? Simple, arrange for her officeto look a little different when she gets there. Depending upon the time youhave available, and the access you can get to her office. To do this, you’llneed to be able to get there early in the morning, before she does, or over theweekend. It might help to have a co-conspirator to help; one of her workmates.They can probably help you get in.

Take her some flowers in a vase, a card and make a nice bigsign that says “I love you” or “You light up my life” or some sort of similarromantic phrase. Set the flowers and card right in the middle of her desk andput the sign on the wall, where she’s sure to see it.

Then, when she gets to the office, she’ll have something tobrighten up her Monday. That should change her Monday blahs into something muchmore special.

By the way, this is sure to make all the other women in theoffice jealous of your wife. That should gain you a few extra points.

What Character are you Showing Your Wife?

2012-02-19T15:28:00.001-06:00

You know, it’s kind of funny, the way we act towards ourwives is often much worse than the way we act towards anyone else. The oldsaying of, “you only hurt the ones you love” is as true today as it has ever been.We don’t hurt strangers, we hurt those who are closest to us, especially ourwives.

Every time there is anger, harsh words, jealousy, offense,bitterness or strife, we are demonstrating that we are much less mature than wethink we are. We are also demonstrating that we don’t love the other person, weonly love what they can do for us. Our love is often a totally self-centeredlove.

I realize that not everyone who reads this blog is aChristian, but I need to speak directly to the Christian men for a moment. Marriageis the greatest test of our Christianity that we will ever encounter. We allhave the capability to “act” Christian in public, especially in the church, butthat doesn’t mean that we have the character of Christ in us. The true test ofour Christianity isn’t how we live in the church, but how we live at home.

True Christian maturity isn’t about being able to lay handson the sick and see them recover. It isn’t even raising the dead. TrueChristian maturity is manifesting the character of Christ, each and every dayof our lives. If you can’t manifest Christ-likeness to your wife, as we havebeen commanded to do (Eph 5:25), then you aren’t mature yet.

Ninety-nine percent of marriage problems in Christianmarriages are only a lack of demonstrating Christ’s character. If you and yourwife are having problems, then neither of you is acting as Christ would wantyou to act. Now, don’t throw the blame on her, I said, “neither of you.” You dealwith you, and let God deal with her. In fact, if you want God to deal with her,then model Christ-likeness before her. That’s the best thing you can do to helpher become more like Christ.

One of the greatest secrets I have learned about marriagecounseling is to not talk to people about their problems. That’s right, whenpeople come to me to tell me about all their problems, I don’t listen to them.Who needs to listen to hour after hour of people complaining about each otherand finger pointing? How is that going to help them? I’ll tell you how… it’snot.

Instead, what I try and do with couples is to “jump overtheir problems” and deal with the character issues which are causing them. Thatway, instead of having to work through each and every problem, with me actingas a referee, we can deal with the attitudes of their hearts, develop theircharacter and bring them to true maturity. Then, and only then, do we see trueresults. Not only true results, but amazing, life-changing ones.

So, what type of character are you showing to your wife? Areyou showing Christ’s character… or is it something that you’d rather not talkabout? If it’s not the character of Christ, it’s time for you to change.

Another First Date

2012-02-17T09:09:00.000-06:00

Do you remember your first date with your wife? Most of usdo, if only vaguely. Of course, our wives usually remember it in great detail,down to the clothes we wore and what we ate. Their memories tend to be betterat things like that then ours are.

Well, there’s no reason you can’t have another first date,or at least pretend to. You know, play acting can be as much fun for adults asit is for kids; especially when we do it with our spouses. It’s a harmlessoutlet for fantasies, adding a little spice to your relationship.

The normal problem with fantasies is that they eitherinvolve someone besides your wife or they involve doing things that your wifewouldn’t do. The first one is clearly wrong and the second can cause one to bedissatisfied in their marriage. That’s not saying that all fantasies are badthough, we just need to be careful about how we fantasize and who we fantasizewith. There’s nothing wrong with fantasizing about your wife, nor is thereanything wrong with acting out those fantasies (assuming the two of you are inagreement and it can’t hurt either of you).

So, if you’re going to have another first date, you’ve gotto do the whole shebang. Call her up and ask her out on a date. Once you’ve gother agreement, explain what you’re going to do, pretending it’s your first dateonce again. If you can recreate any part of that date, like the place you wentto, so much the better.

What did you do on your first date? Isn’t that, more thananything, a time of getting to know each other? So, whether you pick her up oryou meet someplace, do it as if you don’t know each other. Go to a restaurantand tell her about yourself, get her to tell you about herself, ask questions,learn to know each other once again.

This can be a great ice breaker if you feel that you’ve beengrowing apart. At times, as the years pass, we feel as if we don’t know eachother anymore. Well, if that’s the case, it’s time to start learning about eachother once again. Even if it isn’t the case, I’ll bet that you’ll end uptelling each other things that you didn’t know. That’s part of the fun, gettingto know each other more.

Where it goes from there… well, that’s up to the two of youto decide.

How Would You Describe Her?

2012-02-16T09:31:00.001-06:00

Not too long ago, I wrote a post on this blog, in which I talkedabout how negative women are and how they struggle with self-esteem. There isso much in this world which constantly tells them that they aren’t good enough,they aren’t thin enough, their breasts aren’t big enough and they aren’t prettyenough. Our wives receive those messages and it destroys them.

Our wives need to be built up. They need to be encouraged.They need to know that we think they are special, even if the world doesn’t.They need to know that they are loved, just the way that they are. Actually,that will do more to make them want to better themselves, than all the world’snegative messages combined.

What made you fall in love with your wife? Was it just howshe looked, or was there more to it than that? Hopefully, it was more than herlooks, even if her looks were what got you to look. But, after that first look,what was it about her that got you to keep looking?

Don’t try and tell me that there was nothing else; I’d havetrouble believing that. I’ve seen a lot of beautiful women in my life whosehearts were so black and cold they’d freeze a fireplace. So, even if her beautygot you to look, there had to be something else there inside.

Your wife needs you to tell her what it is that makes herspecial. Dr. Gary Chapman, in his book, The Five Love Languages, says that oneof the ways in which we show love is through words of affirmation. So, let’s doa little affirming here. Let’s let our wives know what is so special about themas individuals.

Start out by making a list of her positive attributes(nothing negative or even neutral allowed). This is going to take some time;you want a nice long list. Try and get a full page. Be sure to include:

Adjectives which describe her, especially her personality
Things she makes you think of: “When I see you, I think of…”
Things she does well: “You’re a great…”
Things she does that make you smile: “When you do ____, itmakes me smile/gives me joy/makes me proud/amazes me.”
It's okay to mention physical attributes, but don't focus on them

Be sure to top the list with an explanation of what it is.This doesn’t have to be long, it can just be something like “My wife is…” or “Thisis what you are to me” “or “(her name) is…”

Now that you’ve got your list, all you have to do is deliverit. There’s two ways you can go about this. The first one is to just print itup on your computer and give it to her. Whether you hand it to her, leave itfor her to find or send it through the mail, it’s still giving it to her. The secondway you can go about this is to read it to her. That’s the way I’d recommend.

If you decide to read it to her, find a time when you won’tbe interrupted, sit down together and pull out your paper. Tell her something like“I want to tell you who you are” or “I haven’t told you how special you are ina while, so let me tell you.” Then, once you’re sure you’ve got her attention,read her the list.

It might be a good idea to have a box of Kleenex casuallyand conveniently located on the table, within reach. Otherwise, there’s a goodpossibility that you might have to stop in the middle, so she can run to the bathroom.

The Day After Valentine’s Day

2012-02-15T08:15:00.002-06:00

Well, how did you do? Was Valentine’s Day a success for you?Did your wife really, truly understand that you love her? If so,congratulations! If not, you need to ask yourself why not.

I took the day to do a number of things for my wife, each ofthem with the idea of letting her know that I loved her. I didn’t buy her abig, fancy, expensive gift; rather, I expressed my love to her in a variety ofways, mostly on paper. It took time and effort, but by the end, I had showedher my love in enough ways that she knew I meant it.

The other thing I did yesterday was to post a bunch ofMurphy-isms about love on Facebook. What are Murphy-isms? They are my personalsayings and proverbs. Since my mind was on love yesterday (which made it alittle hard to work) I decided to encourage others to show true love to theirspouses. So, for those of you who aren’t my friends on Facebook, I thought I’dreproduce them here.

If you've had war in yourhome, today is a good day to make peace. Not an armistice, which means you'reboth still armed camps, watching each other. Not a surrender or capitulationeither, meaning that you give up and the other can have their way. No, what youneed is a mutual defense treaty, which means that you are by each other's sideagainst all opposition.
Here's a Valentine's daychallenge for you: See how many different ways you can come up with today totell your spouse that you love them.
True love is never about theleast you can do to show them you love them; it's always about trying to do themost you can to show them you love them.
Love is patient, kind, notenvious, not boastful, not prideful. It isn't rude, not self-seeking, noteasily angered, nor does it keep a record of wrongs. Love is never happy to seeevil, but loves truth. It always, protects, always trust, always hopes, alwaysperseveres. - Are you lacking any of thosesigns of love? Then now is the time to repent.
They say "If you lovesomeone, let them go..." as a test of whether or not they're yours. I say,if you don't know they're yours, you don't know them.
If you are concerned,thinking that your spouse doesn't love you enough, what are you doing wrong?
How can one say that they"fall out of love?" If love is lost that easily, then it was neverlove in the first place.
True love always carries acost. If you're not willing to pay the cost, you don't truly love.
They say that "love isblind." I'd rather love with my eyes open, that way, I won't be surprised.
Have you managed to convinceyour spouse that you're the most romantic person on the face of the earth? Ifnot, there's still time. Don't let Valentine's day end, without convincing themof that!
If you can't see your spouse as a gift from God, than you'reblind.
To say that your spouse isn'ta gift from God, is to say that God made a mistake. Are you sure you want tosay that?

Valentine's Day

2012-02-14T08:39:00.002-06:00

Valentine’s Day Eve

2012-02-13T08:42:00.000-06:00

It’s a given that your wife is expecting you to do somethingfor her for tomorrow. Whether it’s buying her a gift, or flowers, or chocolates,or taking her out to eat, she’s pretty sure you’re going to do something. Justdoing it on Valentine ’s Day makes it romantic. Unless you totally forget, inwhich case you really deserve to be in the dog house, just about anything youdo for your wife will be romantic.

However, I can pretty much guarantee you that she’s notexpecting you to do anything for her today. Even more so in that you’ll bedoing something tomorrow. There’s no way that she’d expect gifts from you twodays in a row. So, that gives you the opportunity to surprise her.

I don’t know why Christmas and New Year’s are the onlyholidays which have an “eve.” I mean, who’s ever heard of Easter Eve, or IndependenceDay Eve? Well, let’s create a new day; we’ll call it Valentine’s Eve. Why not?You see, that way we get to spread the joy and love of Valentine’s Day over alonger period of time. Instead of just having one day, why not have two?

Of course, if you really love your wife, every day should bea Valentine’s Day. You don’t need that excuse to do something romantic or tocelebrate your love. My favorite excuse to be romantic towards my wife is justbecause. That’s enough.

So, don’t tell her what you’re going to do, you want thesurprise to be good. But, tonight, when you come home from work have a smallgift for her. It could be the classic flowers or chocolates; or you could gether some nice earrings. Whatever you get for her, you don’t want to get the sametype of thing you’re going to give her tomorrow. You also, don’t want it to bebigger or more expensive than tomorrow’s gift. This is just a “teaser.”

When you give it to her, say, “Happy Valentine’s Day Eve.”She may not catch the “eve” part there, which might make it even better. Youmight be able to get a double surprise out of this one. She just might thinkthat you’re going to give her anything tomorrow, just because you gave her somethingtoday. Then, when you give her a Valentine’s gift tomorrow, she’ll be surprisedagain.

Have fun, and don’t forget to tell her, “I love you.”

Honey-Do

2012-02-11T15:11:00.001-06:00

Well, now that the Superbowl is over, whatever are we goingto do with all that extra time that we don’t need to spend in front of thetelevision, keeping up with our favorite team? Yeah, I guess there are othersports we could watch; but, you know, there’s really more to life than keepingup with your favorite sports team.

I think it would do us good to step back for a moment andthink about the price that our wives pay for us to be armchair quarterbacks.There are a lot of Sundays (and other days) when she has to take care of everything,from the kids to the paper boy, just because we’re addicted to watching a bunchof overgrown boys fight over a ball.

Now, I’m not saying that sports is bad, nor am I saying thatwatching it is bad; but, I will say this, many of us go to unhealthy extremes withit. When the game becomes more import than our kids, that’s bad. When itbecomes more important than our wives, that’s really bad. When it becomes moreimportant than God, we’re on the fast track to hell.

So, don’t give up watching, just put it in balance. Whether ornot your favorite team wins this weekend really isn’t going to matter nextyear, let alone ten years from now. It’s a game, enjoy it, but don’t let itdominate your life or your home.

So, let’s go back to that original question, what are wegoing to do with that extra time? You know that there are lots of ways that wecan choose to spend that time, now that we’re not keeping track of the NFL. Wecould go fishing, or take a nap, or maybe even take that time to do something forour wives. Wow, there’s a concept!

How many of us men dread the famous “Honey-Do List?” I know thatI’ve dreaded it at times. When I look at it, it can seem to be overwhelming.Why, if I was to attempt to tackle that list some weekend, I’d never get anyrest; and I’d never get through the list, either.

Why do women have to write those darn lists, anyway? How aboutthis, they write them because they can’t do those things themselves. Your wifeprobably doesn’t know how to change the oil in the car, or fix the leakyfaucet, or do something about the crack in the foundation. Even so, thosethings bother her; most of all, they bother her because she doesn’t know howserious they are.

When a woman’s home is in shambles, she feels like she is inshambles as well. You’ve got to remember, women identify much more with theirhomes than we do as guys. We tend to identify more with our jobs. Since sheidentifies with the home, when the home has problems, she feels like she doestoo.

Let me tell you a little secret about that honey-do list.She isn’t expecting for you to do it all in one weekend. She’s just expectingyou to do it. If you pick on large or two small things to do every weekend, she’llsuddenly feel like you’re taking care of everything. It’s amazing how thatworks. One step in the right direction makes her feel like a million bucks.

Your wife needs a hero. She married you so that you could bethat hero for her. When you take care of the things that need taking care of,she feels protected. But, when you ignore those things, she feels vulnerable.So, dealing with the honey-do list is actually an important part of helping herfeel good about your marriage. Gosh, that almost sounds like being romantic.

A Drive-in Movie

2012-02-10T09:15:00.001-06:00

It’s Friday night again, date night for all the teenyboppersout there. You do have a date night with your wife, don’t you? If not, youreally need one. Why not go back to your youth, and make Friday night your datenight once again. Just because all the teens out there are doing it, doesn’tmean that you can’t as well. After all, they learned that by watching adults,not the other way around.

Did you ever go to a drive-in movie as a teenager? You knowwhat I mean, the kind where you drive your car into the lot and they’ve got themovie on a big outdoor screen. Instead of watching the movie, you sit there inyour car, smooching with your girlfriend.

Well, drive-in movies are fading into the past; there reallyaren’t that many of them left any more. Nevertheless, you can still find themhere and there. In another 20 years you may not be able to, but for now thereare still a few around.

Somehow, drive-ins have always had a romantic connotation tothem, much more so than a regular movie theater. Maybe it has something to do withsitting in the back seat of the car smooching, instead of watching the movie.Regardless of the reason, they’re considered romantic.

So, why not take your wife to a drive-in to enjoy a movie? Now,if you’re going to do this, you’ve got to do it right. This isn’t the time togo see Rambo 7 (or whatever number they’re up to). You want to pick somethingthat’s going to be romantic. If you can’t get a love story, go for a drama orat least a comedy, but definitely avoid the action stuff.

Why not make it a real drive-in night and go to a drive-inrestaurant to eat while you’re at it? There’s still a few of those around aswell. In fact, I’d have to say that there’s been a resurgence of drive-inrestaurants in the last 10 years. Between the two, you ought to feel like teenagers again.Have a good time!

Valentines Buyer’s Guide

2012-02-09T09:51:00.000-06:00

With Valentine’s Day just a short five days away, it’s timeto plan your big romantic night with your wife. If you don’t already have areservation to take her somewhere, you’re probably in trouble, becauseeveryplace is going to be full. I think the only night where more people go outthan Valentine’s Day is New Year’s Eve.

The other thing you want to get going on is picking up apresent for your wife. Now, I know that if you’re like most guys, you’re probablythinking you can wait until at least Monday for that; but, trust me; you don’twant to do that. By Monday the selection will be really picked over and you mayhave trouble finding a descent gift for your wife.

While I’m sure that your wife would appreciate the classicValentine’s gift of flowers and chocolates; I’m also sure she’d appreciate itmore if you could be a little more imaginative in your gift giving. So, to helpyou out of the quagmire of the stores, here are a few thoughts for you:

Jewelry – This isone of the classic romantic gifts. It’s also one of the classier ones you cangive your wife. Now, I know that jewelry can get pretty expensive, but thatdoesn’t mean that you need to break the bank to buy your wife a present, keepit within your budget, she’ll still appreciate it.

Perfume – Women likenice perfume. Their noses are more sensitive than ours are, so “negative” odors(such as sweat) bother them more. That probably has a lot to do with theirliking perfume. A good quality perfume will actually last longer than the cheapones do, and it keeps you from looking like a cheapskate. A small bottle of aquality perfume is much better than a large bottle of a cheap one.

Lingerie – Yeah,I know, you were probably waiting for this one. Sexy lingerie is always aromantic gift. But, this one comes with a warning. Don’t go overboard. If yourwife isn’t comfortable with a see through baby doll, she’s not going to wearit, no matter how much you want her to. If you want to go racier than what shealready wears, then go just a baby step more, not a giant step. If you buy itwith just your likes in mind, it’ll seem like you’re buying yourself a gift.

Books About Marriage– There are a lot of good books out there about marriage. If you’re not surewhat to get, check out Paul & Lori’s bookstore on The Marriage Bed: http://site.themarriagebed.com/resources/tmb-bookstoreJust one warning; if you’re going to buy her a marriage book, better plan onreading it too. BTW, if you’re going to buy her a book, get something else too.

Something Decorativefor the Bedroom – Women identify with their homes. If the home isbeautiful, she feels beautiful. If the home is falling apart, she feels thatway too. If you want to have a healthy relationship in the bedroom, it needs tolook like something from a movie set (not Rambo). We have quite a fewdecorative pieces that speak of love in our bedroom. One of my favorites is alittle statue of a couple hugging that my wife bought for me.

Clothes – Now,don’t panic. Buying clothes for your wife really isn’t as hard as you think itis. First of all, you need to know three things:

What size is she?
What colors does she like?
What’s her style?

You can find the answer to all three of those questions by lookingin her closet. Then, go find something that you think she’d look good in, thatmeets all three of those requirements. It’s really not all that hard. If youtry and meet those three points, she’ll probably love it; especially since youbought it for her. Just be sure to keep the receipt, just in case it doesn’tfit.

Collectible Figurines– This is one of those great secrets that wise men do to ensure that they canalways find a gift for their wives. Start her a collection of some sort offigurines, such as Precious Moments or Hummels. Then, every time you’re stuckwithout a gift idea, you can add to her collection.

Okay, now you’re armed with some ideas. Get out there beforethe mob and grab a nice gift for your wife, before everyone else beats you toit.

More Than Ever Before

2012-02-08T08:51:00.003-06:00

Do you remember your dating days? You know, that time whenthe two of you were just having fun together, enjoying being together, talkingtogether; enjoying each other’s touch. What ever happened to those days? Howdid we lose those great feelings that drove us to being together?

The answer to those questions is really rather simple;reality raised up its ugly head to bite us. That’s right, the culprit forlosing those wonderful feelings of being in love is reality. You see, when we’redating, there’s really no reality involved. It’s all a dream world. Everything islike living in a fairy tale, where they live happily ever after.

Then, once we get married, we find out that there are billsto pay, that she doesn’t wake up in the morning, looking like she stepped off amagazine cover and problems to deal with. All of a sudden, those wonderfulfeelings vanish, like a puff of smoke.

Actually, those feelings don’t vanish, they just get coveredup by dealing with reality. We don’t stop loving our wives. We don’t stopwanting to be with them. We don’t stop wanting to touch them. We just get sobusy dealing with reality, that we don’t have enough time for the things whichwere so important when we were dating. Then when kids come along, it gets evenworse.

Have you ever felt like your wife doesn’t love you as muchas she did before? If you’re like most of us, you probably have, more thanonce. Well, guess what, she feels the same way. She wonders if you love her. Shelooks back to those dating days, remembering how the two of you were (and sheremembers it much better than you do), and wonders what happened to make youfall out of love with her.

Now, I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt here; I’mpretty sure you love her as much as you did then, or even more. Otherwise, Ireally doubt you’d be reading this blog. So, what went wrong?

What’s gone wrong is the expression of love (or lackthereof). Here comes reality again, to give us another bite. Because of dealingwith all the problems and whatever of life, we stop spending so much timeexpressing our love and spend more and more time expressing our problems. That’snowhere near as interesting for either of you; but, it’s necessary.

This is why it’s so important to tell your wife that youlove her. She hears so much negativity out of your mouth that she needs to hearsomething positive; specifically something positive about your relationship.That means a lot to her.

In fact, don’t just tell her you love her; tell her you loveher more than ever before. Tell her you love her more than the day you weremarried. Tell her that every year you love her more. She feels like you don’tlove her as much as before, so destroy that negative thought with a positiveone. Give her the message that your love hasn’t diminished, but instead hasgrown as you’ve come to know her more.

What do you need to Learn to Overlook?

2012-02-07T09:46:00.001-06:00

Anyone who has been married for any time; or for thatmatter, anyone who has ever lived in the same house with another person (suchas family) has learned that other people always have annoying habits. It’s notthat some people have annoying habits; no, all people have annoying habits. Andyes, I know your wife does too.

That’s actually okay, because it proves that they’re human. Realpeople don’t live up to our fantasy expectations. Real people make mistakes.Real people have failings; and real people can be annoying. By the way, thatmeans that you have habits which annoy your wife as well.

It might be that she leaves her trash in the car, or thatshe doesn’t understand computers and keeps messing things up on yours. It couldalso be that she clicks her nails or the way that she chews her food. How abouthanging her lingerie in the shower to dry, isn’t that annoying?

In reality, these annoying irritations aren’t really allthat big a deal, we just make them seem as if they are. One little habit mywife has is to leave bottles of rubbing alcohol or other substances on the frontedge of our bathroom sink. I have a choice of moving them when I go in there orrisking knocking them off. Isn’t that a big deal? No, it really isn’t; it onlytakes me a moment to move those bottles.

I remember a woman who was infuriated because her husbandkept leaving his dirty clothes on the bedroom floor. The woman she went to forcounseling (read: complaining) asked her the question, “How long does it takeyou to pick up his clothes?” to which she answered, “About 20 seconds.”Considering that she was spending much more than 20 seconds a day being upsetabout her husband’s untidiness, she really was wasting her time being upset.

All too often, we allow these little mole hills to becomegiant mountains. Instead of thanking God for the wonderful wife He’s given us,we complain to him about some stupid little thing that irritates us. What awaste of time. When we do that, we are literally overlooking all of her goodpoints, so that we can focus on the bad. Forget about the fact that those goodpoints are much bigger than the bad ones, in our minds, we make the littlethings much, much bigger.

So, how do we get out of this trap? Good question. There aretwo interrelated steps that will quickly help us overcome our irritation andnot be bothered by these annoying habits. The first is to forgive her. I don’tmean that you need to go to her and do it in her face; just do it by yourself.Say the words, “I forgive my wife for ________.” That’s it.

The second step is to quit spending so much time thinkingabout those annoying habits. You can control your thoughts, when you want to.There’s no reason that you have to focus on those things. Instead, when youfind yourself thinking about them, change your thoughts and start thinkingabout something you like about her; something you appreciate about her; evenfantasizing about her would be better.

You see, when you focus on those little problems, they becomebig problems in your eyes. But, when you focus on the good about your wife,those little things start to diminish. Isn’t that a much better way to live?

A Monday Morning Pick-Her-Up

2012-02-06T08:56:00.000-06:00

It seems like Mondays are a truly worldwide phenomenon. Nomatter where you go, pretty much everyone dreads Mondays and looks forward toFridays. It doesn’t matter what race, culture or nation you visit, it seems tobe the same.

Well, we all know that getting through those Mondays can bea bit of a challenge. So, why not do something to make it a little easier foryour wife. That should show her that you care about her.

What I’ve got in mind is really rather simple. All you needto do is stop by her favorite coffee shop and pick her up a coffee and pastry.Then deliver it to her at work. If you can’t leave work to do that, how aboutdelivering it before you go to work? Just make sure that there’s something tokeep the coffee warm (wrapping a towel around it works great in a pinch). Or,you could pick it up before waking her up in the morning.

If none of those will work for you, then get someone else todo it for you. Do you have kids who can drive? How about a friend or neighbor?The only thing is that it needs to be from you; so if you have somebody elsedeliver it, make sure there’s a note to tell her who it’s from.

Check Out Her Car

2012-02-04T10:06:00.000-06:00

I’m sure you’ve noticed how non-mechanical your wife is. Imean, unless she’s one in about 10,000,000, she doesn’t know more about the carthan where to put the gas in and where the ignition key goes. It’s like thejoke about the woman who walked into the auto parts store to ask for “the 710part.” The clerk was of course baffled and asked her to explain. Exasperated withhis density, she said, “It’s a round thing on the top of the engine that hasthe number “710” on it.” Well, of course, she was talking about the oil cap anddidn’t even know it.

If we expect our wives to do things like check the tires andoil on their car, we’re heading for a major repair bill. My wife tells me thatshe thinks the tires are low all the time, just because they’re radials.Checking air, oil and water isn’t within a woman’s makeup and there’s really noway that they’re going to do it.

However, we both know that she needs her car, and probablyneeds it every day. So, somebody has got to make sure that it’s running goodand that somebody is you. When you check her car, it’s a way to make sure that sheis safe. She needs that from you; she needs to know that you are her protector.While that no longer means carrying a sword around to dual anyone who darescome close to her, there are still many ways of protecting her. This is justone of them.

I make a point of driving my wife’s car when we go tochurch. That way, I’m able to listen to the motor and make sure that everythingis working fine. If I don’t do that, there could be a steadily worseningproblem that neither of us is aware of. It’s not fair of me to expect her torecognize those problems.

While you’re at it, why not give her car a quick bath andvacuum it out? While it may not make much difference to you, she’d rather drivearound in a nice clean car. Don’t stop there though; put one of those airfresheners in it for her; something with a nice floral scent. Women’s noses aremore sensitive, so that’s an important little detail.

Don’t forget about other things that could make her car morecomfortable for her to drive. I’ve installed pads on the shoulder straps, becausethose can be rather uncomfortable for a woman. Where I live, there’s a shopthat has a sign up, which says, “Your Wife is Hot!” Then in small letters, itadds, “Tint her windows.” If you live in a hot climate like I do, that’s good advice.Remember, romance is about the little things that you do to make her feel likeshe’s important to you. Taking care of her is part of that.

One final step, when you go back in the house, make sure thatyou tell her that her car is okay. You want her to know that you’re doing thisto protect her; not just the car. By telling her that, it isn’t that you’reavoiding spending time with her, it’s that you’re taking care of her; a huge difference.

Hidden Love Notes

2012-02-03T09:09:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, I talked about passing her love notes in aconcert or play. It’s fun and easy, and she’ll get a charge out of it. A friend(female) commented on it and reminded me of something I’d posted on here abouta year or so ago; so, I thought it deserved repetition.

As we all know, you can never tell your wife that you loveher too many times. It doesn’t matter if you tell her by speaking, by writingor by giving her a gift, your wife never gets tired of hearing you tell herthat you love her.

One great way to declare your love to your wife is byleaving her love notes all around, where she can find them. Some can beobvious, while others aren’t so much so. That way, she won’t find them all atonce. Each time she finds one, it’s as if you did another romantic act. Thatway, you can get lots of points from one simple act of romance.

Many men struggle with this, thinking they have to write awhole love letter to their wife, instead of something short. It really doesn’thave to be long; in fact, if all you put is “I love you” that’s enough. Now,that doesn’t mean that you can’t say more, just that you don’t have to. Maybeinstead of saying “I love you” you can come up with variations on that theme,saying things like:

You’re special to me
I adore you
I thank God that you’re my wife
I want you
One lifetime isn’t long enough to be married to you
You are wonderful

Like I said, these don’t have to be long to be effective. Theidea is that you are expressing your love to your wife in some way or another;that’s what counts.

Find a variety of hiding places for these little notes:inside baking dishes in the kitchen, in her panties and bras in the dresser, ina coat pocket, under some papers on her desk (assuming she has a desk in the house),in the car that she drives, in her wallet and with her makeup. Let the joy of findingthem be something that happens spontaneously, when she’s least going to expectit.

Now, this doesn’t mean that you don’t have to continue beingromantic while she’s finding those notes. You can just look at them as an extrabonus for her to receive.

Passing Notes

2012-02-02T08:40:00.000-06:00

If you’re as old as I am, you might still remember the daysbefore we had cell phones and could send text messages back and forth throughthe ether. That didn’t stop us from sending messages however; it just made theirdelivery a little slower and more dependent upon the assistance of our friends.In school, kids would write notes to their friends, and then pass them back andforth through the aisles, when the teacher’s back was turned.

Of course, if you got caught, it was a little harder to denyanything with the evidence in the teacher’s hands. It could get real embarrassingwhen she’d read the note in front of the whole classroom; something that no oneelse would consider doing.

Well, guess what? I’ve made an amazing discovery. Pen andink still exist, even in this modern day of computers, cell phones and iPads. Asstrange as it seems, it’s still possible to write a note the old fashioned way,using a pen or pencil to put it on paper. Isn’t that strange? Hmm, I wonder ifthere’s a romantic application to that.

Well, if we could pass notes back and forth in school, I don’tsee why we can’t do so in other environments. Why not surprise your wife with aseries of little love notes, to be delivered one at a time, the next time you’rein a movie, concert or the kids school play?

Here’s what you do. Prepare your notes ahead of time, sothat she doesn’t see you sitting there writing them. They don’t have to be longor fancy, just something that expresses your love for her. Put them in yourpocket and take them along with you. Then, in the middle of the show, take oneout and give it to her. Wait a bit, and repeat. In fact, keep repeating, untilyou run out of notes.

It’s just a fun way of letting your wife know that you loveher. At the same time, it can add some real interest to what may end up being arather boring program. Besides, you can never say “I love you” too many times.

“I Can’t Believe I Said That”

2012-02-01T08:54:00.000-06:00

Do you remember that stupid little ditty for when we werekids, “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but names will never hurt me”? I’mnot sure which fool came up with that one, but obviously they had the emotionspart of their brain surgically removed. If there’s one thing that can reallyhurt a person, it’s words; they’re much more potent than sticks, stones, oreven HEAT rounds from a M1 Abrams Main Battle Tank.

Unless you have a real problem with controlling your temper,or you’re a habitual drunk who gets violent when you’re drinking, you’veprobably never used any sticks and stones against your wife. Good thing too, oryou probably wouldn’t have a wife. However, I’m sure that you’ve managed to usewords against her, whether you wanted to or not.

Have you ever noticed how some things just manage to escapefrom our mouths, even if we don’t want them to? I’m sure you know the one’s I’mtalking about; they’re the ones which cause us to say, “I can’t believe I just saidthat.” If only life came with a rewind button, so that we could go back a few secondsand take those words back. But, one spoken, they never seem to go away.

You know, it doesn’t do much good for us to do greatromantic acts towards our wives, if we’re erasing any points we earn with ourown words. We’d be better off forgetting the romance, and just putting ducttape over our mouths. That way, even though we wouldn’t gain any points, we wouldn’tlose any either.

There is another solution, however; that is to learn how tocontrol our tongue. There’s nothing that says that we have to say those hurtfulwords. No law, no requirement, no force of nature that makes them come out ofour mouths. We’re the one who says them, and we’re the one who can stop them.

That’s right; you and I have the power to stop ourselvesfrom saying things which hurt our wives. How about that? There are two secrets,which will help us do this. The first one is to learn to engage our brain,before opening our mouth. Most of those hurtful words come out totallyunplanned. They’re a childish reaction to something. Well, childish reactionsare okay for children, but we’re not children any more. So, we need to learnhow to stop ourselves, by thinking about what we are going to say and the effectthat those words are going to have.

The other secret that ties directly in with the first is tofocus on the other person. Most hurtful things we say come about by beingself-centered. We had a bad day at work and when we come home, we growl at the wife,slap the kids and kick the dog. Whoa, wait a minute! Who gave us the right todo that?

If we are thinking about the other person, we’ll put ourpriority on what is best for them, not what is best for us. So, when the wifegoes a little crazy from her PMS, we’ll realize what’s going on and not take itpersonally. Since we’re not taking it personally, we won’t reply in a hurtfulmanner. Instead, we’ll seek a way of soothing her emotions, instead of stirringthem up even more.

Remember, words can’t be taken back. Every hurtful word youspeak, whether intentionally or unintentionally is permanently graven in yourwife’s heart. No matter what you do, it will never go away. So, make sure thatthe words you say are the words that you want to say.

Would You do it all Again?

2012-01-31T08:31:00.000-06:00

Have you ever had your wife ask you this question? You know,“If you had to marry me again, would you do it?” That’s one of those momentswhen time stands still, your whole life flashes before your eyes, and yousuddenly feel the cold hand of death brush over you. “If I don’t answer this right,”you think, “I’m goners.”

Have you ever wondered why do women ask those sorts ofquestion? Or have you just asked yourself “Why does she have to ask it?” Believeit or not, there’s a good reason why women ask questions like this and morethan a threat to us, they are expressing a need that they have.

What need? The need for affirmation. When your wife asks youa question like that, or any of the other “dangerous” questions that women tendto ask, they are crying out for assurance that they are loved. You and I dothat too, but not in the same way. For us as men, we feel that our wives loveand value us through the sexual relationship more than anything. But, for them,it’s not the same. In fact, if your love like is lacking, it’s probably becauseshe doesn’t feel secure enough to be able to give herself to you.

Women need to be constantly assured that they are loved.That’s why those three little words are so important. But, even if you say thatall the time, it may not be enough. Saying “I love you” can become routine; infact, it can become so routine that it starts sounding routine. You and I needto develop some variety in our expression.

All too often, the root of this insecurity is from our ownwords. Think about how you talk to you wife. Are you more likely to complimenther or complain about something she’s done? If you said “compliment her” you’dbetter check again; because unless you have taught yourself to compliment herfrequently, you probably aren’t doing it as often as you think you are. We livein a negative world, and all too often, what comes out of our mouths isnegative as well.

So, understand what your wife is begging you for when sheasks you one of those dangerous questions. She needs to know that she isprized, valued, precious in your sight. That’s not just some whim on her part,it’s a true emotional need. There is no way she is going to be able to feelsecure in your relationship, unless she receives enough affirmation from you.

Why not take it a step further? Don’t wait for her to begyou for affirmation, give it to her. Go to her tonight, get down on one knee,and ask her to marry you. Yeah, I know that you’re already married, that’s notthe point. The point is to send her the message that “Yes, I’d gladly do it allagain.”

Watch Her Health

2012-01-30T08:44:00.000-06:00

God has given women this wonderful ability to nurture andtake care of others. It seems that all women have a nursing function built in.Maybe that’s why up until recent times, pretty much all nurses have been women.It’s almost as if a nursing career is just brining forth this natural gift.

On the other hand, us men don’t seem to take to nursing allthat well. At least, I don’t. I’m always surprised to meet a male nurse, not becauseof anything sexist, just that I really couldn’t see myself in that role. I’dprobably be one of the worst nurses in the history of the world. Oh, I cook formy wife when she’s not feeling well and go get her medicine for her, thingslike that, but I just don’t have that innate ability to make someone feel goodwhen their body isn’t feeling good.

Even though women are naturally good at this nursing stuff, I’llhave to say that I’ve found one person that many women are really not good attaking care of; that’s themselves. I’m not talking about not eating right ornot taking vitamins; while some are better than other about that, it’s reallynot the issue. What I’m talking about is things that require them to spendmoney on themselves. You know, going to the dentist, buying an expensive prescription,buying quality shoes so that their feet don’t hurt; things like that.

The same woman who will buy a closet full of cheap shoes won’tspend the money to buy some good shoes that properly support her feet, even ifshe’s on her feet all day long. She might complain about her feet hurting everynight, but she still won’t buy those shoes. Likewise with the dentist, she’llmake sure that the kids go for their checkups, but when it comes to that cavitygetting filled, she’ll wait till she can’t stand the pain any more.

I guess that’s all part of that mothering instinct thatwomen have. They’re so busy taking care of everyone else, that they don’treally pay attention to taking care of themselves. Not good. A mom who doesn’ttake care of herself isn’t going to be able to take care of anyone else.

That’s where we’ve got to get in the act, guys. If your wifeis like mine and like many others I’ve seen, you’re going to have to push herto take care of what she needs. If you have to, take her to the doctor ordentist yourself. Or, take her to that shoe store and tell her she’s notleaving until she buy some shoes that will treat her feet right (just take agood book to read while you’re waiting). Whatever it takes.

One of the ways that women express love is by taking care ofthose around them. Well, guess what? When others take care of them, theyinterpret it the same way. So, taking care of your wife is very romantic. Why?Because you’re showing her that you value her; isn’t that what romance is allabout?

A Day of Rest

2012-01-29T08:23:00.002-06:00

Have you ever noticed how many people go out to lunch afterchurch on Sundays? You know, once upon a time, God established the Sabbath tobe a day of rest. Jesus even said that the Sabbath was made for man, not manfor the Sabbath. There’s a clear implication there that God knows we need a dayto recharge the batteries, rest a bit and get ready to face the new week.

What about our wives? It seems to me that if man needs a dayto recharge his batteries, then woman needs a day to recharge hers as well.After all, the old saying is that “a woman’s work is never done” so she coulduse a break too.

Okay, so why not give here that day of rest. This week,instead of going home after church, plopping down on the sofa and turning on thegame, try something different; go out to eat after church. Don’t make your wifework, cooking and cleaning for you, while you’re sitting there like a bump on alog. Both of you can be bumps instead.

Now, if your wife is anything like mine, she’s not going toget home, after going to the restaurant, and immediately start working onsomething. This is where it starts getting tricky. You want to keep her fromworking on something all day long. That can be tricky, especially if your wifehas a type A+ personality like mine does. She may not know how to sit back andrelax; so you’ve got to help her.

Here’s the plan; every time you wife gets ready to startworking on something, you grab her and find something else for the two of youto do together. Maybe take a walk, watch a romantic or humorous movie together,play a game, sit and talk or look at the old photo albums. If you can’t thinkof anything else, grab her and take her breath away with a passionate kiss.Whatever it takes, keep your wife from working all day long.

Now, there’s a bit of a game in this. Try and avoid tellingher what it is that you are doing for as long as possible. If you have to tellher, go ahead and do so, but the longer you can avoid telling her, the better.Then, when you finally do tell her, she’ll go, “so that’s what you’ve been upto.”

Have fun, and even more, make sure she has fun.

Not Yet Spring Cleaning

2012-01-28T11:59:00.000-06:00

Well, here we are, at the end of January, the month ofmaking resolutions… and breaking them. I won’t ask how you’re doing with yours,that’s between you and the gate post. But, I will tell you that I’m doing greatwith mine, mostly because I didn’t make any. Okay, so now that making andbreaking resolutions is over with, maybe we can move on to bigger things.

I always look at January as a month of reflection over the yearthat just went by and a preparation for the year that’s just beginning. One ofthe things I try to look at is how I’ve grown in the last year. No, I don’tmean grown in height, nor in girth either. Actually, I’m finally losing a bitof the girth part. What I’m talking about is growth in my spirit, soul andcharacter. Am I a better person today, than I was a year ago?

Another thing that I think is really important in January isto do some housecleaning. I’m not talking about the type that requires afeather duster and broom, but the type that takes place in the heart and mind.It’s helpful to get rid of the old garbage in our hearts and minds, so that wedon’t drag last year’s problems into this year.

Often, we find ourselves carrying emotional baggage aroundfor years. A misspoken word in anger or frustration becomes an offense that iscarried around like a ball and chain. It never seems to go away, but constantlyirritates, like a rash that won’t heal. This is the type of baggage we need toget rid of.

It’s impossible to live in close proximity with another personwithout having hurts and offenses happen. That’s a fact of life and as long aswe are imperfect humans, that problem will continue. However, we don’t have tohang on to those hurts and offenses. They might come on their own, but wedecide when and where we get rid of them.

Part of my beginning of the year review is to seek out anyof these things, which I might have buried in the deep recesses of my heart.Entering into the new year with them just guarantees that the problem willperpetuate, not that it will be resolved. When I find them, I forgive theperson; not to their face, just where I am. They don’t need to know I’mforgiving them, and probably don’t remember the offense. Better to let thatsleeping dog lie and just take care of my problem by forgiving them.

If I hold something in my heart against my wife, there is noway that I can act with love towards her. Oh, I might be able to pretend to actin love, even to the point of doing some loving actions, but I won’t be actingin pure, total love. Why? Because I won’t have that pure total love that I needto have for her.

But, when I forgive her, I am set free. As such, I can givemy wife all my love, unhampered, pure and whole. That’s what she deserves fromme; just because she’s mine.

You see, every time I do this “not yet spring housecleaning”I give our marriage a chance to start all over again. Since there’s nothingnegative in my heart, I can concentrate on her positive qualities. I can loveher for being who she is, not be irritated at her for not being who she isn’t.I can overlook things, love her in spite of those little quirks that we all have,and most importantly, be the husband that I need to be. What about you?

Oh, one more little thing. Once you’ve done yourhousecleaning, how about helping her do hers? Don’t try and teach her how to doit, just go to her and ask her forgiveness for anything you’ve done in the lastyear, which has either hurt or offended her. Let her make that decision toforgive, so that her heart can be clean as well.

A Love Story

2012-01-27T09:54:00.000-06:00

Did you know that romance novels account for 49% of thepaperback books sold in the United States? That’s an amazing figure, especiallyconsidering how many other genres of books there are out there. Obviously,somebody must be reading those books. In fact, a great many somebodys arereading those books.

Somehow, the heroine in those romance novels always falls inlove with the hero. She never has a headache, tells him that he needs to take ashower or complains about him working too many hours. She falls in love with thehim, because he takes her breath away.

So, what makes romance novels so popular? It’s that old ideaof a knight in shining armor rescuing the princess from being trapped in theivory tower and riding off into the sunset together. Granted, they all don’thave the ivory tower and the white knight may be wearing jeans, but the idea isthe same. Women are in love with the idea of being in love.

Now, being in love isn’t the same as love. Nor is being inlove with the idea of being in love the same as being in love. Women aremotivated by their emotions, so what they want that emotional high that theyfeel when they are in love. They want the excitement, the feelings and to becherished.

Okay, let’s be real here, everyday life really isn’t likethat. Washing the dishes and changing the baby’s diaper just doesn’t have thatemotional impact. It doesn’t take a woman’s breath away to wash the laundry,although sometimes they wish it did, especially if we’ve been sweating a lot.Women read those romance novels because they’re looking for something thattheir life is lacking.

So, why not make your own romance novel or at least romanceshort story for your wife. You know, you don’t even have to be a writer to dothat. If you can write as well as you did in the eighth grade, you can create agreat story for your wife. That’s because it’s not so much about the writingability, it’s about the imagination that goes into the story.

Start with chronicling a typical day. Now, let me tell you asecret here; most days don’t have enough activity in them, so mix days togetherto create an interesting day. Then, have the hero (you) show up at differenttimes throughout the day to sweep her off her feet. Your arrivals and leavings mustbe mysterious, without rhyme or reason and always unexpected. Maybe she’swatching her favorite soap opera or game show and you show up in the middle ofit, grab her and dance a tango. Finishing the dance with a huge kiss, you runoff again without a word. Later, you show up again, as she’s vacuuming the bedroom,unplug the vacuum and take her in your arms to kiss her. At lunchtime, youkidnap her and take her to her favorite restaurant.

Use your imagination, have fun, come up with what you’d wantto do with her, if you could do it. Don’t get overly carried away with the sex,although that should be there too. The idea is to be totally uninhibited inexpressing passionate love in a number of ways, not just through sex. Assumethat she’ll accept whatever you want to do and write it that way (let’s not gettoo kinky here).

Sound crazy? Yes, it is. But it’s a great way of expressingto your wife how you’d really like to show your love towards her. Most of ushave trouble doing that. We’re afraid that we’ll be rejected, or afraid thatshe’ll think we’re foolish, or the kids get in the way, or we just don’t knowhow to express ourselves. That’s okay; for many people, being able to expressthemselves through something fictitious helps them overcome their communicationbarriers. Maybe it will work for you.

I guarantee you that she’ll laugh when she reads it. Don’ttake that as something bad, take it as something good. She’s not laughing atyou, she’s laughing because the ideas you are presenting are so far off the norm,that she doesn’t know how to react. Maybe your ideas are making her nervous. That’sokay, she’ll probably love it anyway.

So, what’s the next step? Maybe living out some of thatfantasy.

Protect Her from the Cold Thursday, 26 January 2012

2012-01-26T10:34:00.000-06:00

Have you ever noticed how women get cold much easier than wedo? Maybe your wife is an exception, but every woman I’ve ever known is likethat. My wife likes things so toasty warm that I feel like I need to carry apersonal air conditioner around with me, just to keep me from sweating.

This time of year it can actually get pretty amusing. We’llgo out somewhere and my wife will be bundled up in a long coat that I call her “sleepingbag” and I’ll have on shorts and a polo shirt. Yes, I wear shorts and polos inJanuary; but then again, it really doesn’t get very cold where I am. Most ofour days hit 80 degrees and we haven’t had a freeze yet this winter.

Nevertheless, I can remember well all those years we livedin Colorado and Upstate New York. Snow piled outside up to the window ledges(and sometimes beyond); freezing cold weather for days on end. Ah yes, how Imiss cold weather.

Well, my wife didn’t handle the cold any better when welived in a colder climate, than she does now that we live in a hot one. I couldbe outside in shirtsleeves and she’s be bundled up like Nanook of the North.She really had a hard time dealing with that cold. It seemed she was constantlyfrozen from the first snowfall, up until about Memorial Day.

So, knowing my wife had a problem dealing with the cold andbeing a loving husband, I formed the habit of getting ready to leave early forwherever we were going. That way, I could go out, start the car, turn on the heaterand clean off the windows, before she was ready. Instead of having to sit in afreezing cold car, waiting for the heater to thaw her out, she could get into arelatively warm car and only shiver a little.

You see, a man who really loves and value his wife, will goout of his way to do whatever he can to make life easier for her, not harderfor her. The 15 minutes it cost me to make her comfortable in the car reallywasn’t a problem, especially when compared to her having to sit there shiveringfor 30 minutes or longer. She knew I loved her and cared for her and that was thepoint of the exercise.

So, if you live in a cold climate, why not learn to do thesame. If you don’t, don’t despair; you can still be considerate of her. When it’shot here (most of the time) I try to go out and start the car and turn on the airconditioner for her. That way, she doesn’t have to sit in an oven, sweating,while she waits for the air conditioning to have an effect. Same idea, justdifferent circumstances.

Whatever Happened to Chivalry?

2012-01-25T09:41:00.000-06:00

I was saddened when I heard about the capsized cruise ship, theCosta Concordia; not so much by the ship going down, but by the actions of thecrew when it went down. It seems that they and the captain abandoned ship, evenpushing aside passengers to get into the lifeboats. Whatever happened to the oldlaw of the sea, “Women and children first”?

I guess we can say that this is one unexpected legacy thatthe women’s liberation movement has given us. They’ve tried so hard to make menand women out as equals, that the idea of treating women as precious is nolonger part of our society. Since they are no longer the “weaker vessel” thatscripture talks about, there is no reason for men to go out of their way toprotect them, value them and cherish them. After all, we’re all the same.

You know, I still believe that verse in the Bible where ittells us to treat our wives as the “weaker vessel.” Actually, I prefer thatword “weaker” to be translated as “precious” because that’s really what thecontext is. My wife is precious to me, so I treat her as such. I don’t treather as one of the guys, but as what she is, a precious gift from God to me.

Did you grow up as I did? Were you taught to open doors forwomen, seat them at the table and allow them to go first? I remember thatclearly. I also remember sitting in a “sexual harassment awareness class” inthe office, being told that I was no longer allowed to open doors for women,because that could be construed as sexual harassment. Where do these ridiculousideas come from?

Well, I still open the door for my wife; I still carry in thegroceries; I still allow her to go first and I even manage to seat her at the tablefrom time to time. She’s never brought me under charges for sexual harassment,so I guess I’m safe.

When we do those things, we send a clear message to ourwives that they are precious to us. When we treat them as someone special, as royalty,they feel valued. That’s funny, isn’t that what romance is all about? Makingher feel as if she’s important to you? So, why don’t we do it?

Maybe it’s that we’ve become so accustomed to having ourwives around, that we’ve forgotten how important they are to us. Maybe, justmaybe, she isn’t as important as we tell ourselves she is. After all, if shewas that important, we’d act like she was, right? We’d protect her and treat heras if she was precious, not treat her as if she was just the maid.

I challenge you to go back to those old habits. Open the doorfor her. Allow her to go first. Pull out her chair at the table. Show her thatshe’s precious to you, and you’ll end up feeling like she is.

What’s so Beautiful About Her?

2012-01-24T10:48:00.000-06:00

Most women struggle with their self-esteem; especially theirself-esteem about how they look. Although beauty has always been an issue, today’ssociety has put such a premium on it, that women are constantly challenged tomake themselves into supermodels. Only, the supermodels you see on the magazinecovers are phony, everything is makeup, hairdressers and of course, Photo Shop.

While I have nothing against women being beautiful, I firmlybelieve that women don’t have to be artificial to be beautiful. Nor do I alwayssee what the world calls beautiful as being so; especially when the beautifulexterior is just covering up an ugly interior.

Every woman has the capacity to be beautiful, even withoutall the phoniness that goes on with the supermodels. The most beautiful thingany woman can put on her face is a smile. Couple that with a look of lovecoming out of her eyes and you’ve got a true winner, every time. She may not bea supermodel to others, but that doesn’t mean she can’t be to you.

Why did you marry your wife? Was it only for her looks? Ordid you see something inside her that spoke to your innermost being? If all youdid was marry her for her looks, you’re probably not still married; especially ifyou’ve had kids since then. However, if you married her for what’s inside, theoutside will stay looking beautiful to you, regardless of what anyone elsethinks. Really, isn’t your opinion more important than all those others?

When was the last time you told your wife how beautiful shewas? When was the last time you mentioned something about her that attractsyou? How long has it been since you said that you love the feel of her skinwhen you touch her?

Why don’t we say these things? You know, she really needs tohear that; not just once, but over and over again. When she wears a new dress,she needs to know you like it. When she comes home from having her hair done,you need to notice. If she does something different about “her look” you needto be the first to comment (positively) on it.

My wife and I are middle age. She doesn’t look exactly likeshe did when we got married. But, then again, neither do I. But you know what?She’s still beautiful, especially when she smiles. I’ve always thought my wifewas beautiful and if you don’t agree, you can just keep your thoughts toyourself.

We have a woman in our church who has several physicalproblems. I really don’t know what her problems are and I’ve never asked her.They cause her to look different and talk different than anyone else in thechurch. But that woman always shows up well dressed and with her hair nicelydone. Every once in a while I say something about her dress or her hair. Everytime I do, her eyes light up. I get the feeling that not many people look pasther problems to see the true beauty she has.

It’s important to make a point of telling your wife that she’sbeautiful. She needs to hear that and she needs to hear it often. She needs toknow that she still catches your eye, not that your eyes are wandering all overthe place. She needs to know that she’s the only one for you.

A Soothing Word

2012-01-23T09:32:00.000-06:00

You know, we all have a bad day now and then. Things gowrong; we get up on the wrong side of the bed; we have a bad hair day;whatever. Regardless of the cause, bad days happen and when they do, itgenerally clouds our disposition.

Of course, when it happens to us, we expect the world tounderstand and tread lightly around us. But, do we do the same for others? Morespecifically, do we do the same for our wives? When they have a bad day, are weconsiderate of them or do we see it as an infringement on our lives?

I remember hearing years ago that the woman sets the emotionalatmosphere of the home. Oh how true that is. I remember days where I came homefrom the office and as I walked in the door I could tell my wife’s mood,without seeing or hearing her or the kids. Why? Because her bad mood hadcreated a negative atmosphere in the home.

We need to be sensitive to those days, recognizing them forwhat they are and being ready to help our wives overcome their bad mood. That’snot necessarily the same as solving her problem. Solving the problem may nothelp her mood. Nor will helping her mood necessarily solve the problem. In asense, there are two separate, but interconnected problems, whatever put her ina bad mood and her bad mood.

I guarantee you that if you walk in the door and find yourwife upset because the washing machine broke down, telling her to call arepairman isn’t going to help her mood one bit. You could even call himyourself or fix it yourself, without helping her mood one bit. Yes, the washingmachine needs to be fixed, but that’s not what’s bothering her. The emotionalproblem which the washing machine caused is the big problem; that needs to bedealt with in a totally different manner.

Remember that you always need to treat her emotions as somethingimportant. Whether or not the thing that made her upset is important to you isimmaterial; what is important is that she’s bothered by it.

So, how do you help her in this situation? Like I said, don’tstart by giving her a solution to her problem; instead, give her a soft word.Change the focus of the situation by talking about something else. Tell her youlove her. Pray for her. Give her a big hug and a kiss. Remind her of somethingfunny that happened (that she thinks is funny). Talk about something positive. Morethan anything, it’s your words that are going to help her overcome thosenegative feelings; so pick them with care. Let your words be words to build herup and soothe her; taking her mind off her problem and helping her feel secureand loved.

No matter what you do, don’t focus on the problem; at least,not until you help her. Granted, if the house if flooding, you might need todeal with that first, I’m not talking about those major crises’; I’m talkingabout the small to medium sized things. Don’t discount her emotions, either. Theyare hers, and if you invalidate them, you’re telling her that she’s invalid aswell.

The other thing you never want to do is internalize herwords. There’s a pretty good possibility that she’s going to end up lashing outat you verbally. Don’t sweat it; she really doesn’t mean it; she’s justexpressing her frustration. If you allow yourself to accept those words, they willhurt, and instead of helping your wife, you’ll end up fighting with her. That’snot going to help anyone.

Remember, a soothing word, that’s what she needs. As KingSolomon once said, “A soft answer turneth away wrath: butgrievous words stir up anger” (Pro 15:1).

Time for the Family, Too

2012-01-22T16:59:00.002-06:00

According to Willard Harley’s book, “His Needs Her Needs,”one of the woman’s top five emotional needs is for her husband to be committedto the family. Now, I’m going to take it for granted that you’re committed toyour family, otherwise I don’t think you’d be reading this blog. But, thequestion remains, how do you express that commitment?

My father grew up in a generation when the men were expectedto the breadwinners in the home. That was it; nothing was said to them abouthelping in the kitchen, cleaning the house, playing with the kids or evenhugging their family. All the man had to do was be the breadwinner. Granted,most did more than that, like mowing the lawn and taking out the garbage. But, theidea of a man being actively involved in the lives of his children was a bitforeign. That was the woman’s work.

Well, society has changed since then and it is widelyrecognized that men have to be more involved in the home and family than whatwas considered acceptable in my father’s day. Nowadays, men are expected tohelp with the housework, take the kids to the little league game and beromantic towards their wives.

There’s only one problem, while society has changed, menhaven’t changed all that much. Most men still see their main role as being abreadwinner. Anything that gets in the way of that tends to get pushed to theside. Unfortunately, that means that the family gets pushed to the side attimes.

God gave me a wake-up-call on this many years ago, while mychildren were still small. I came home from work one day to be greeted by mywife, who said, “Talk to me in big words, I’m tired of being trapped in thishouse all day with little children who speak in little words.” I knew I neededsome wisdom for my wife, and I needed it right away. Time for a quick prayer,seeking that wisdom.

I responded to my wife, “You don’t understand. Everything Iam working on, there in the factory will be destroyed before the end of mylife. What you are working on will outlast us.” Wow, what wisdom; God reallycame through for me that time. Little did I know how much of an impact thosewords would have on me, even more so than my wife. It served to remind me ofwhat was important in life. I didn’t have a family to support my work; I workedto support my family.

My family needed me and I was spending too much timeworking, instead of being with them. Are you making the same mistake? As men,we can be very driven in our work, driven to succeed. But ask any man on hisdeathbed, and he’ll tell you that the time he spent working was a waste, theonly time that mattered was the time he spent with his family.

Is spending time with your family romantic? You bet it is.As I said earlier, your wife needs to know that you are committed to the family.Telling her that you are won’t convince her, only showing her that you arewill.

So, take some time this Sunday to be with your family. Thatball game really isn’t all that important. In a couple of months, nobody willcare who won. Nor is your nap really all that important, although you mightfeel that you really need it. If you do, go to bed early for a change. Let yourpriorities be your priorities for a change.

Your wife will appreciate it, your kids will appreciate it,and in the long run, you’ll appreciate it too. You won’t have to be one ofthose men who lament “why didn’t I spend more time with my family?”

Give Her the Day

2012-01-21T11:41:00.000-06:00

Every couple struggles with having enough time to betogether. Oh, they might both be in the same house or even in the same room,but that’s not the same as being together. To truly be together means that youare paying attention to each other, not that you are paying attention toeverything else around you. It means that you are either talking to each otheror doing something together which requires communication with each other.Watching television doesn’t count.

I’m sure you’ve heard about “quality time.” Well, what makesone time more “quality” than another? It has to be the focus of the time; inother words, it’s only quality time when your focus is each other. Anythingelse is just time passing.

So, surprise your wife today and give her time, quality timethat is. Drop whatever it is you’re doing, grab your wife, get in the car,start driving and ask her, “Okay, now that we’re going, where do you want to goso that we can spend some quality time together?” Wait till you’re going,before you ask though, as you don’t want to give her the opportunity to come upwith excuses about what she has to do, etc. etc. etc.

Just in case she can’t come up with something off the top ofher head, here’s a few ideas:

Go to your favorite coffee shop and sit there staringsoulfully into each other’s eyes while talking.
Go get ice cream… along with the staring soulfully, etc.
Take her to the mall and just look at stuff.
Go to some cute little boutique that the two of you hadseen, but never managed to stop in at.
Take a walk in the park.

The thing isn’t so much where you go as it is that you gothere together and do something together. It doesn’t even matter if you spend alot of money, it isn’t about the money, it’s about the two of you. You bothneed that time, although she is probably much more aware of her need than you are.Just take some time to enjoy each other’s presence, without having to besomeplace or get something done.

Okay, so maybe there’s a few practical details that need tobe worked out, like someone to watch the kids; well, work them out. Do it withouther knowing. That just helps add to the surprise. You’re trying to make herfeel like she’s the most important person in your world. That isn’t going tohappen if you make her call the babysitter and work out all the other details.

Enjoy the time. That’s what it’s about. If there’s somethingthat absolutely has to get done, then that’s okay. You can arrange to get backin time for that. But don’t let it get in the way of the time you are together.Forget about it for that time, don’t sit there thinking about it. Focus on her.

Help Her Relax

2012-01-20T08:59:00.000-06:00

I know I’ve talked about massage at one time or another in thisblog, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t talk about it again. There’s somethingabout receiving a massage that everyone likes; especially at the end of a longday.

While I’m sure there are hundreds of techniques for giving amassage, I tend to break it down into three basic ways:

Using your hands
Using a non-powered device
Using a vibratory massager

While I’m sure that you could add something to that list,maybe something exotic or just plain weird, those are my top three list. Of thethree, using your hands is the most personal, but using a vibratory massagerreally helps when one’s muscles are tight. If you don’t have one, you may wantto consider the investment. That way you’ve got it available anytime your wifehas had a rough day.

While it is possible to massage with clothes on, it worksmuch better in the nude; or at least with her in the nude. It also helps a lotto use some massaging oil or hand lotion. That helps your hands or the massagerto glide across her skin, without pulling or pinching. Some massage oils are “warmingoils” functioning somewhat like those muscle creams that you use after a hardgame of ball with the guys (even if you don’t want to admit it).

Take your time to give rub her back all over, down her legsas well. You’re trying to get her to relax, not trying to turn her on. Ofcourse, once she’s relaxed, she might get turned on as well; you never know. Ifanything turns her on, it will be the attention you are paying her, notanything you do to her body.

Maybe you could start a new tradition between the two ofyou, where you give each other massages whenever you see that the other one hashad a hard day. It could make coming home all that more precious.

Say it With Flowers

2012-01-19T10:54:00.001-06:00

Speaking of flowers (I was yesterday), there’s lots of waysto say “I love you” with flowers. If you use some variety, each time will besomething fresh, which lets your wife know how much you love her. As withanything romantic, the first time is something special, but if you keeprepeating yourself over and over again, it stops losing its sparkle and becomesroutine. So, the trick is to find new ways to use flowers, new ways to say “Ilove you” and not return to the same old way for a while.

Of course, after a while, you can go right back to the sameromantic act once again. With enough time in between occurrences, it becomessomething special once again. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be romantic fortwo months, just that you need to mix it up a bit.

So, let’s do something a little different with flowers. Let’ssay “I Love You” with them. I mean, really, lets write out the words withflower petals. Sometime when your wife is out, tear the pedals off of a bunchof flowers and spell out those words on the coffee table or dining room table.If you don’t want to tear off the petals, then use entire flowers, cutting off thestems.

Your timing on this one is going to be a bit critical, asyou don’t want the petals or flowers to sit there long enough to start turningbrown. You want it to look fresh when she shows up to find it. No matter whichway you do it, those flowers aren’t going to live very long on the table likethat.

Once your wife has seen it, the flower petals can be put togetherin a bowl, like potpourri, so she can enjoy the scent of them. Or, if you usedwhole flowers, you can float them in a big bowl of water. When they die, takethe petals and put them in a bowl, making potpourri out of them.

Remember, it’s the message that counts, not how much youspent on the flowers. You don’t have to buy the most expensive thing in the storeto make this work. On the other hand, it would be good to buy something thatsmells nice. So, put your sniffer to work as you’re picking out the flowers.

Snow Flowers

2012-01-18T09:10:00.001-06:00

Every once in a while, I like to do something with flowers; theyare the classic romantic gift and it is rare to find a woman who doesn’tappreciate them. Unfortunately, for most of the country, the flowers are buriedunder the snow right about now; so that can be a bit difficult. I must saythough, that we still have green grass (not white) and leaves on the trees.Anyway, without going to the supermarket, you’re going to have a bit of troublefinding flowers this time of year.

So, when all else fails, use the materials at hand. Whatmaterials? How about snow and ice? Let’s challenge our artistic creativity abit here, and see if we can sculpt as well as a six year old. Grab yourself abucket of snow, and start forming some snow flowers.

No, a snowball doesn’t count as a snow flower, sorry. You’llhave to do a little better than that. You might try a two-dimensional reliefsculpture, instead of going for a full three-dimensional work of art.

Adding a little bit of water to your snow, making it a bitslushy (but not too slushy) can help make the snow stick together, especiallyif you have dry, powdery snow. It will also help the flowers harden up and becomeicy once you’re done. Speaking of that, it might help to freeze your creationafter you finish it, that way it will last more than five minutes.

If you want to add a touch more artistic romance to it,print a paper rose and make it a part of your creation. If you have it,printing on cover stock instead of standard printer paper will help insure thatit doesn’t soak up the water too fast. It will also provide some part of yourcreation that your wife can keep as a remembrance. Women like things like that.

Here’s another trick you can add to your creation. Grab abottle of your wife’s perfume, and spray your snow flowers, so that they willsmell more like flowers. This works best if she has a perfume with a floralscent.

So, how creative are you? Why not give it a try and see. Bythe way, if you fail, and your wife catches you in it, you’ll still get a pointfor trying; so what do you have to lose?

Traveler’s Advisory

2012-01-17T10:30:00.000-06:00

Everyone knows the classic idea of bringing home gifts forthe family, when you have to go out of town on a business trip. Tourist trapsand especially airport shops depend on this; knowing that business travelerswho are going away can be expected to be a little freer with their gift buyingmoney than they would be otherwise. So, they jack their prices up to takeadvantage of that feeling of moment’s desperation when we say “oh no, I’m headinghome and I don’t have anything for my family.”

Now, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t be willing to buynice gifts for the kiddies and especially that you shouldn’t be willing to buya nice gift for your wife. After all, she’s had to put up with the kids and theproblems all by herself while you were gone. She’s definitely worth whateveryou’re going to spend.

I just came home from a 10 day trip out of the country. Inthe airport I bought my wife a piece of jewelry (always a good gift idea). Itwas a rather unique necklace, in a Victorian filigree flower design, whichdefinitely spoke of her personality. Not only was it a nice gift, but it was somethingthat was definitely made for her. Had it not been so special, I probably wouldn’thave been willing to pay airport prices for it.

On the other hand, remember the scoring rules for this game;if you buy your wife an expensive gift, you get one point and if you buy her aninexpensive gift you get one point. Of course, if your gift is too cheap or nota romantic gift, you’re not going to get any points at all.

Let’s apply a little strategy to this gift-giving issue andsee if we can maybe come up with a way of getting a little more bang for ourbuck.

First of all, I’d suggest avoiding all those cute littletrinkets that they sell in the tourist traps which say “Miami” or “San Francisco.”Not only are they really cheesy gifts, but they’ll serve as a constant reminderthat you went someplace interesting without her. Not a good plan. That doesn’tmean that you shouldn’t buy her something with a regional flavor, especially ifit’s something that you can’t get at home.

It helps to make sure you put shopping time in yourschedule. Now, that’s really easy for women to do, but rather hard for us guys.We’re missing that shopping gene, which automatically attracts us to stores.However, you’re going to spend much less money in a regular store, than you arein the airport.

It always helps to keep a list of romantic gift ideas inyour personal organizer. That way, when you’ve got to find a gift in a hurry,you don’t have to worry about your brain lock. Little things that your wife hasmentioned she’d like, things that you’d spotted before and know she likes, andclasses of gifts which have received really good “reviews” from her in the pastare all good candidates for this list.

Another way that you can save yourself time and money onthis gift buying spree is to pre-buy your gifts. Now, I realize that some womenmight consider this cheating, but who says she ever has to know? I’m a big fanof shopping on the Internet. Not only does it save me time in the stores, itsaves me money as well. So, all I have to do is pre-select the gift I want tobuy for my wife (and even for the kiddies), and have it shipped to the hotelwhere I will be staying. That way, when I get there, it’s waiting for me.

I suppose an alternative to having the gift shipped to yourhotel would be to have it shipped to the office and pack it in your bags. Thatwould save the same amount of time and still insure that you have a gift readywhen you come back. Just make sure that she isn’t packing your bag for you.

Remember, this is supposed to be about thinking about her.So, it’s important that you choose a gift that shows that you’re thinking abouther; otherwise, you’re not going to get any points in the romance department.

Those Long Winter Evenings

2012-01-05T11:59:00.001-06:00

There are a number of things in our modern culture, whichcan trace their roots back to the pioneering days, when the country wasexpanding and most people were farmers. Take our school schedule, for example.Families would have to work together to plow the land, plant the seed and bringin the harvest. So, summer vacations were about working with the family, notlazing around the swimming pool. Even though we’ve long since left being anagricultural society, we still have that same school schedule.

Another thing that went along with that society was thatwintertime was a time for staying indoors, mending harnesses, sewing a quiltand reading stories around the fire. Many families read the Bible from cover tocover on those cold nights. Oh sure, they had to go out to the barn to care forthe livestock; but the outdoor work was left to only true necessities in thosemonths.

Well, as we all know, life has changed and changed a lot.Even so, other than those who go skiing and ice skating, most of us spend ourwinters indoors, trying to escape the cold and the snow. The only time we gooutside is when we need to; either to go somewhere, to work or to shovel thesnow.

There’s something to be said about those long eveningsaround the fire. Whether spent as family time or as couple time, there’ssomething about sitting in front of the fire, with a nice warm drink, justenjoying each other’s company. I’d say that’s even more important for us today,when life has us running around in circles so much that we normally only seeeach other in passing.

Why not take advantage of those long winter evenings? Goback to the old tradition, put a fire in the fireplace (or just pretend, if youdon’t have one) and spend some time together on the sofa. Make some hot cocoa,read a book to each other, talk about some off the wall topic (not problems)and whatever you do, don’t turn on the television. Just enjoy each other.

The gift your wife wants more than anything is you. It’s notyour money she’s after or someone to change the oil in her car. She wants somequality time, where you’re paying attention to each other… you know… like youdid when you were dating.

Take Advantage of the Sales

2012-01-03T09:16:00.000-06:00

You know guys, we tend to complain about our wives and theirshopping, but there are times, actually many times, when they are a lot wiserin the shopping department than we are. Take sales for example. We guys don’tpay a whole lot of attention to sales that are going on. When we needsomething, we go out and buy it; either we can afford it, or we just don’t buyit.

Well, I have to tell you a secret; I’m a cheapskate. I likegetting a deal whenever I can. I guess it comes from the years when I didn’thave much. I learned the true value of sales during that time. It saved me andis still saving me a lot of dough.

So, how is this romantic? It’s really rather easy. All youneed to do is keep your eyes open for the sales where you can buy gifts for yourwife. That way, when you need a gift, you’ll already have something ready.

Now look, we all like buying nice stuff for our wives; butlet’s be real, sometimes that nice stuff has some not so nice price tags on it.Let’s say you want to buy your wife some nice gold earrings. Well, you know aswell as I do, that real gold has skyrocketed in price. So, what do you do; buyher something cheap, or skip lunch for a month?

Now that’s where the sales come in handy. If you keep youreyes open, you can occasionally catch a really good sale on gold jewelry. I’veseen jewelry sales with as much as a 70% discount. So, when I catch a sale likethat, or even at 50% off, I can buy something really nice for my wife, muchnicer than I can afford otherwise. She doesn’t care, because she doesn’t knowwhat I paid for it. She just sees it as a nice gift.

The other side of this, besides buying really nice gifts forher is to be able to buy more gifts that you can give her at miscellaneous times.Let’s say that one of the gifts you buy for her from time to time is lacepanties. Well, those can get kind of expensive too; not like the gold earrings,but considering how little fabric is in them, they can get a bit high. So, youmanage to catch a sale and pick up for pair for the price of two. Great! Nowyou can give her twice as many gifts.

Don’t get this wrong now. I’m not advocating being a cheapskate.What I’m advocating is being able to buy more and nicer gifts for your wifethan you could otherwise. After all, little trinkets like that are the kinds ofgifts that are romantic; much better than buying her something practical.

Hey, we need every advantage we can get. This isn’t doinganything to cheat our wives, it’s using a little wisdom to be able to be ablessing to our wives. So, quit drooling over the computer and big-screen TVads in the Sunday paper long enough to see if there is something else on sale.Be ready to buy gifts for your wife, so that you can keep romance going allyear long.

Resolutions, Resolutions

2012-01-02T08:58:00.000-06:00

With the New Year celebration now behind us, and New Year footballgames all over, it’s time to get serious about what 2012 is going to mean tous. Many have spent at least part of the day yesterday thinking about what NewYear’s Resolutions they’re going to make; while others are still thinking.

Have you ever noticed how little effect a New Year resolutionreally has? I mean, how many people have you known who’ve made some spectacularresolutions, that didn’t even last out the week. Maybe you’ve done so as well.For some reason, resolutions don’t seem to work for us. Maybe because there’sno real commitment, just a declaration.

You see, the decision and the commitment are what make uschange; not the declaration. Oh, the declaration helps, because then we letothers know about it. But, if that declaration doesn’t have force of decisionbehind it, it’s just empty words. How many empty words have you said throughthe years? Even more importantly, how much have you hurt your wife throughthose empty words? Hmmm? You realize that when you make a resolution to dosomething for her benefit, then don’t do it, you hurt your wife, don’t you?

Okay, so maybe making New Year’s resolutions isn’t a goodidea. But, making change for the better is always a good idea. In fact, to makethings better always requires some sort of change. I like what Edwin Louis Colesaid about change, “Change isn’t change, until it’s change.”

Isn’t that great? You see, talking about change isn’tchange. Making a declaration to change isn’t change. Doing it once or twice isn’tchange. It’s not change until you actually do it on regular basis. That’s thehard part, making it regular. That doesn’t mean you’ll never slip up and make amistake. We all do. But when the times you do the change outnumber the timesyou slip up, you’re finally on the right track.

Now, we can all come up with things we should change; that’sgenerally pretty easy. But, what does your wife want you to change? Whatirritating thing do you do, which bothers her? After all, if you want to get themost bang for your buck, it makes a whole lot more sense to change something thatshe complains about, rather than something that you think would be a good idea.

Does your weight annoy her? Then go on a diet. Does shecomplain about the stuff you leave laying all over the house? Okay, then learnhow to put things away? Is she bothered by the fact that you never help out inthe kitchen. Well, then it sounds like it’s time to learn how to wash thedishes (don’t worry, you won’t stop being a man). Do your complaints drag herdown? Then shut your mouth and learn how to b more positive.

Now remember, it doesn’t do any good to just make aresolution, you need to make a commitment. Make that firm decision and committo it. Let her know, and even give her permission to point out to you when you blowit (yeah, I know that’s hard; but don’t blow at her when she does it).

What do you do when you blow it? Simple, pick yourself up,dust yourself off, and try it again. You’ll never learn to walk if you give upthe first time you fall down.

Exercise Together

2011-09-15T08:53:00.000-05:00

I’ll have to admit, when this idea hit me, I almostdismissed it out of hand. If there’s anything that doesn’t seem romantic to me,it’s the idea of exercising. That belongs on the same list as going to thedentist; the list of things I’d rather not do. But, that was before I gave it asecond thought.

Most women sufferer from a very negative opinion ofthemselves, especially when it comes to their beauty. Unless they’re convincedthat they are God’s gift to men, they all think of themselves as fat, ugly andwith hair that’s incapable of having a good hair day. In fact, even the oneswho think of themselves as God’s gift to men think of themselves that way.

I think I’ve discovered why all women (even the size zero toothpicks)think of themselves as fat. Medical science tells us that women have an extralayer of fat to insulate themselves. But, they don’t tell us where that layerof fat is. My theory is that the extra layer of fat is around their brains,where it presses in on the brain, constantly saying “fat, fat, fat, fat, fat.”

There are three basic ways that women deal with these thoughtsof fat. The first is to ignore it. While that’s a noble sentiment, few aresuccessful in accomplishing it. The second is to get upset by it and eat more.While this may make them feel better for the moment, it clearly doesn’t helpfor the long-term. Finally, the third is that they try and lose it. For somewomen, the quest to lose weight is a lifelong quest, taking them from diet todiet, exercise program to gym, and a few even into problems like anorexia and bulimia.

Since exercise is the healthiest choice on that list, maybewe should gently, very gently, encourage our wives to start an exerciseprogram. I say gently, because the last thing that any of us want to do is toexpress any opinion that might be misconstrued as if we were saying that wethought our wives were fat.

So, how do you very gently suggest that your wife exercise?Wait until she brings it up first. Then, offer to exercise with her, in orderto encourage her. She will definitely need the encouragement, and you can giveit to her by exercising with her. It’s always easier to exercise with somebodyelse.

Let me give a word of warning to the jocks amongst us. Whateveryou do, don’t compete with your wife. She has enough problem with herself-esteem, without you pounding her into the ground with your ability tooverdo it. You’re there to encourage her, not to beat her. Dial it back to herlevel. Let her think that she’s winning once in a while. Always notice and compliment her for herprogress.

Besides all that, exercise can be one more thing you do totake time to be together. That’s always worthwhile.

Lighten Her Load

2011-09-14T10:24:00.000-05:00

When I was a kid, you could pretty much count on mostfamilies operating under the “traditional” roles for men and women; the manwent to work and the woman stayed home. Today, due to a combination of thewomen’s lib movement and the financial pressures on families, most women workoutside the home. While I’ll reserve judgment on the wisdom of that, for themoment, I will say that it has put a lot more pressure on women.

Women today are expected to have a career, keep their homelooking like a magazine cover, be a supermom and still manage to be spectacularlovers. That’s a bit of a stretch, even for a woman with superpowers.Unfortunately, last I checked, the average American woman doesn’t come equippedwith those.

I have to agree with the women’s libbers on at least thisone point: If the woman is working outside the home, then her husband (that’syou) should help take up the load at home. Yeah, I know, you need to relax whenyou get home from work. Guess what? So does she. Yet, while a lot of guys arekicking off their shoes and sitting down on the sofa when they get home fromwork, their wives are heading for the kitchen to get dinner put together. C’monguys, that’s unfair and you know it.

If your wife has to work outside the home, then it’s onlyfair that you do some of the work inside the home. Okay, maybe you’re not theworld’s greatest cook, but what can you do to take some of the load off of her?Don’t tell me you don’t know how to wash dishes or run the vacuum cleaner,those tasks don’t take a college degree.

Cleaning the bathroom isn’t all that hard either. In fact, I’drecommend the bathroom as a good place to start, since it seems that guys aremuch better at messing up a bathroom than girls are. Maybe it doesn’t botheryou to walk into a bathroom in a mechanic’s shop, which obviously hasn’t beencleaned anytime in the last couple of years; but, I can guarantee you, itbothers your wife. If it bothers her, you should be concerned; even more so ifshe thinks your bathroom habits at home make your bathroom look like the one inthe mechanic’s shop.

Taking a little time every day to help your wife with thework around the house will show her that you value her as a person, instead ofthinking of her as a slave. Better yet, totally take over cleaning one or twoareas of the home; but do it to her level of satisfaction, not your own. Sheneeds to know that you value her; and you’re the only one that can show it toher.

Don’t Forget to Bring a Gift Back

2011-09-13T08:30:00.000-05:00

First of all, an apology to all my regular readers. I’vebeen out of the country for a bit and it’s kind of hard to keep things rollingwhen I have trouble with Internet access. Now that I’m back, we’ll see if wecan get things back on track.

Speaking of being out of the country, do you ever have totravel on business? Some of us do, and our wives always feel left out when wedo. There’s something about business traveling that seems to have leave animage in people’s minds of free company paid vacations to exotic locations;along with partying to all hours of the morning and staying in five-starhotels.

Personally, I’ve never had business trips like that. Mine havealways been long waits in airports, boring times waiting for meetings, hardwork, and boring meetings. I’m not sure where all the romance of businesstraveling has come from. Probably from the imaginations of people who never hadto do it.

Nevertheless, there is one thing that is very clear aboutbusiness traveling; that is, you’re separated for the duration of the trip. I’veoften thought how much better it would be if I could take my wife with me, andmake a mini-honeymoon out of it. Of course, that means I’d have to pay for herairline ticket (at the higher business rate), her meals and the increase in myroom’s cost. Those extra costs have a lot to do with why I don’t take her with me.

Always remember to bring a nice little romantic gift back withyou. What you get her isn’t as important as the fact that you got hersomething. Buying her that gift proves to her that you were thinking about herwhile on your trip. That’s important. Watch out for airport stores, however asthey are ridiculously expensive.

Now, there’s a hidden trap in this situation. That is, whatdo you do when your trip doesn’t leave you any time for shopping? That’shappened to me several times and it can be a problem. Best intentions don’treally matter, without completion of those intentions. Okay, here are a coupleof ideas:

Write her a love letter. Don’t worry about coming up with somethingpoetic, just tell her how much you miss her. Be sure to include “I love you”several times in your letter.
Does your hotel have a gift shop? Many nicer hotels do.While they are still more expensive than just going to a normal store, they arecheaper than airport stores.
Send her a telegram from your destination. She’ll know youthought of her.
When all else fails, bring a gift, hidden in your luggage,to give her when you return.

Protect Her from Herself

2011-08-19T09:15:00.000-05:00

I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed, but women are better worriers than men are. Compared to us, they’ve elevated the art of worrying to a high art form. Some have even gotten so good, that if everything is going good, they’re able to worry about not having anything to worry about.

Okay, maybe that last line was a little facetious. But, that doesn’t change the fact that most women worry more than most men do. It comes from a difference in the way we think. If a man is faced with a problem that he can’t do anything about, he puts it on the shelf, until he can do something about it. Women, on the other hand, have that thing following them around all day long, taunting them.

I learned this lesson early on in my marriage, when I was independently poor and self-unemployed. The bills would come in and we had a particular place where my wife would put them. I’d come home from working and she’d say something like, “The electric bill came today.”

“Okay,” I’d think, “the electric bill came. It’s not time to pay it, so I can put it on my mental shelf.” So, that’s what I did. There were only two problems with that. First of all, we might not have had the money even when it was time to pay the bill. Secondly, to my wife, it looked like I was ignoring that bill.

Much later I found out that the stack of bills I left sitting there, waiting for money to pay them, was causing my wife problems. In her mind, that stack of bills was growing like a monster, taking over the home. We didn’t have a stack of bills, we had a mountain. Even worse, her husband (me) was ignoring that mountain that was taking over. HEEEEEELLP!

Moving ahead several years in our personal saga; we found ourselves living on the road in a motorhome, traveling and ministering. We’d had several good financial years, where the bills got paid and there was money for things like clothes that didn’t come from a second-hand store. But, let me tell you, living on the road ministering isn’t any way to get rich. So, we were once again struggling financially.

This is where I used some wisdom. I talked to my wife about it and we agreed that I wouldn’t tell her how much money we had or didn’t have. The only time I would say something to my wife about our finances, was either when it was really good, or when I would say, “Only spend X amount of money at the grocery store today.” Other than that, I kept it to myself.

The result of that was that my wife was able to live, without worrying about our finances. Even though we could pretty much count on not having enough money 29 days or more out of every month, she didn’t know. That meant that she didn’t have to worry about it.

Now, let me give you some advice here. Don’t try and do the same thing, unless you have both of these things well in hand. The first one is that you need your wife’s agreement on this. Otherwise, you’re not protecting her, your treating her like an immature child. That’s not going to win you any brownie points (or any other types of points either). The second one is to make sure you take care of things, so that she doesn’t have any reason to worry.

If your wife finds out that you’ve been keeping things from her and not taking care of them, it will be Fourth of July all over again, with a spectacular fireworks display. On the other hand, if you do take care of things, when she later finds out about the problem, she will have reason to feel that her husband takes care of her and protects her.

That’s the feeling you want her to get out of all this. Not that you’re being macho. Not that you’re being dishonest. Not that you’re hiding things from her. What you want is for her to feel secure and protected. Do it right, and she’ll feel that way.

A Secret Love Message

2011-08-15T09:44:00.000-05:00

I’ve said again and again how important it is to tell your wife that you love her. She needs that. In fact, she needs it about 10 times a day. Don’t just wait till she’s done something special for you either, or wait till after you make love. That’ll send her the message that all she is to you is a sex toy.

The thing is, it can become a bit challenging, trying to come up with new ways of saying “I love you.” Now, there’s nothing wrong with the same old way, you know, just saying those three words. But, while you can use that over and over, and she’ll never get tired of it, I can’t use it over and over on this blog, or you’ll get tired of it.

Every once in a while, a new way to say “I love you” comes along and slaps me upside the head. So, now that I’ve been slapped this morning, let me share the idea with you.

Buy a bag of those glass baubles that they put in the bottom of vases of artificial flowers. They’re available in a number of colors, with all of them being roughly the same size. You can buy them at any craft store, like Hobby Lobby or Michael’s, You can even find them at times in dollar stores. A bag shouldn’t cost you more than a few bucks.

It might help to make yourself a pattern, so take a large piece of paper, and write on it “I love you.” Add a heart or some other adornment if you’d like. You’re going to leave this message on the top of her dresser, so don’t make your pattern so large that it won’t fit. Nor should you make your pattern so complicated that you can’t make the letters and design out of those little glass baubles.

Sometime when your wife is occupied, and you know that she won’t be going into the bedroom for several minutes, you can get started. We’re going to do this project over several days, so you don’t want to do the whole design on the first day. Place enough of the baubles on the dresser top to show that you’re doing something, but not enough that she can figure out what it is that you’re doing. Maybe one in every six stones will work. Here’s the tricky part, though; you can’t lay the pattern down and set the pieces on it, or she’ll know what you’re doing. Instead, you’ve got to use your highly calibrated eye to position those stones. Don’t worry if you don’t get it perfect, you can make adjustments as you go.

Each day this week, add some more glass baubles to the design, making the design more complete. You don’t want her to be able to guess what you’re doing too quickly, so be selective on how you complete the design. Aim for a target of having your love note finished in five or six days.

A Very Personal Spa Treatment

2011-08-11T09:51:00.000-05:00

Women love to be pampered; I guess that shouldn’t be all that surprising, since we do too. We just look at being pampered a little differently. What you and I see as being pampered and what our wives see as being pampered aren’t exactly the same thing.

For women, going to the beauty salon is being pampered. They get someone to do their hair, paint their nails, even give them a pedicure (that’s doing their toenails). If they’re salon is big enough, they might even be able to get a massage out of the deal, too.

Well, if that’s the way that she wants to be pampered, how about doing it yourself? There’s nothing there that’s so complicated that you couldn’t do it, if you gave it the good old college try. So, go ahead and give her a personal spa treatment, right there in your own bedroom/bathroom. The only thing I’d recommend avoiding is cutting her hair; that could get you in real trouble.

Start by washing her hair for her, to put her in the right frame of mind. Have you ever seen one of those commercials on TV, where the woman is in her office, and three muscular guys are shampooing her hair? Well, you don’t need the other two guys, just do it yourself. Worried about getting her clothes wet? No problem, just get them out of the way; after all, she is your wife.

Now that she’s in a great frame of mind, why not shave her legs for her. I know you know how to shave. Just remember, her legs, especially the front of them, where the bone is right under the skin, can cut easier than your face, so be careful about that. It would kind of ruin the effect to cut her while shaving her. You’ll probably have the best success if you have her sit on a chair in your bathroom, and use a basin of WARM water.

Since you’re on the floor taking care of her legs, you can do her feet at the same time. Give her a foot massage, to take care of her aching feet. Then a pedicure. For the pedicure, you don’t need to get carried away; you just need 3 steps:

Take off the old nail polish with nail polish remover
File the toenails to make sure the ends are nicely rounded
Paint her toenails with the nail polish of her choice

The practice you gain working on her toenails will prepare you to work on her fingernails. Just make sure you don’t get carried away with the nail file. Try and be neat with the little paintbrush that comes in the nail polish too. I know it’s tiny, but you can handle it.

Once all the nail polish has dried, move from the bathroom to the bedroom, have her lay on the bed, and give her a massage. What happens after that is up to the two of you.

A Kiss Ambush

2011-08-10T11:19:00.000-05:00

As crazy as it may seem, one of the things we guys seem to mess up on regularly is not kissing our wives enough. Can you believe that? Now, I don’t know about you, but I really enjoy kissing my wife and would never want her to think that I wasn’t kissing her enough. I love her and want her to know that I do. Even more than that, it’s something we can do together to build the intimacy in our marriage.

I’m not talking about kissing her at bed time either; I’m talking about kissing her, and hugging her for that matter, throughout the day. If you want things to go well at bed time, you need to make sure that you’re doing the right things throughout the day. One of those right things is to kiss her.

Kissing is one of the most intimate forms of expression there is. Did you know that the lips are the most sensitive part of the body? That’s why babies put everything in their mouths. When you kiss, it wakes up the nervous system throughout your body.

So, if you want to be romantic to your wife, it would just naturally follow that kissing is part and parcel of the romance. Don’t let it become rote, where you kiss only at certain times and only in certain ways; be creative. Kiss your wife when she’s least expecting it; like in the middle of making dinner, or grab her while the two of you are watching TV. Apply that good old spontaneity to the fine art of kissing, and let your wife know you love her.

As I said, don’t just always kiss her the same way, either. Get some variety in there. Kiss the back of her neck, kiss her softly all over her face, kiss her passionately, sweeping her off her feet; kiss her hand, and then continue up the arm. Just kiss her; you’ll both enjoy it.

The Wedding(?) Car

2011-08-09T11:45:00.000-05:00

Did you know that humor and romance go well together? You’ve got to be careful though, and make sure that it’s something that she’ll think is funny. Sometimes, as guys, what we think is funny isn’t all that funny to our wives. But, if you do it right, you can bring a smile to her face in more ways than one.

I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt, and assume that you remember your wedding. Even if you don’t remember your own, I’m sure you’ll know what I’m talking about here. Remember when you left the church, and your friends had tied shoes and tin cans to the back bumper and painted “Just Married” on the back window? Well, why not do it again, with a twist?

There’s nothing more romantic to a woman than a wedding. So, unless your wedding was a total disaster, remembering her own is a great romantic moment. Helping her remember it will definitely win you some big romantic brownie points.

Here’s what you do. Get some light rope, empty cans and old shoes (if you don’t have any, try your local Salvation Army store). Oh, and get a can of whipped cream too (I don’t recommend using shaving cream, unless you are really careful, as it can damage your car’s paint job). Now, deck your car out as if you were just married. The only difference is to paint a different slogan on the back window, something like:

Still Married!
Still in Love!
Married, and Loving it!
Celebrating our Marriage!

Of course, you don’t want your wife to see you doing the decorating job, just the end result. When it’s done, take her out somewhere, so she can see what you did, and so that others can see it as well. If it’s your regular date night, so much the better; but even if it’s not, go to the store, our just out for ice cream. Whatever it takes, get your wife and go someplace in your car like that.

Don’t worry about the people staring at you; they’re just jealous that they don’t love each other enough to brag about it to the world. Your wife will do some bragging though, to all her friends.

Value Her Opinion

2011-08-08T10:35:00.000-05:00

Let me ask you a question; how opinionated are you? Are you one of those people who has an answer to anything, who can spout forth the latest wisdom on current issues, who is always letting others know what you think about it? Okay, maybe you’re not that sort of person, but how good are you at listening to the opinions of others?

Have you ever noticed that your wife doesn’t agree with you on everything? In fact, there’s a strong possibility that she doesn’t agree with you on a lot of things. That’s actually okay. It’s not necessary that you be in agreement on everything, just the important things.

Learning how to deal with your disagreements is an important part of learning how to live together as a married couple. Many time, couples struggle with this, thinking that they have to agree on every little detail, or their marriage will go down the tubes. No, what you have to do, is learn to compromise on those details that really aren’t important to you.

Most guys don’t have much trouble compromising on home décor. Actually, most guys probably don’t even notice the home décor. She could decorate your home in modern caveman and you’d be comfortable. Actually, you’d probably be more comfortable than her decorating it in Victorian style.

On the other hand, most guys have a real problem compromising on things like what kind of car you are going to buy, how you’re going to spend your money and sports (that’s a biggie). Hey, life is full of compromises, you’ve got to learn to roll with the punches and find a middle ground that works just as well for her as it does for you.

You start that, by listening to what she has to say. If you don’t listen to her, you’re never going to know what she thinks or how she feels about things. Now, there’s a real secret here in listening; that is, you need to pay attention. In other words, you should be able to repeat back what she said, in your own words, without changing the meaning. It’ll take a little practice, but you can do it. The other important thing is to never, never, never put her opinion down. She is just as entitled to her opinion as you are to yours.

Granted, her opinion may seem a little crazy to you. When my wife tells me what she thinks is wrong with the car, it pretty much always sounds crazy; but she clearly thinks that I need her opinion, or I won’t be able to repair the car. Okay, so I let her have her say.

When you ridicule or immediately throw out someone’s opinion, it sends a message to them that they are not valuable. Remember our definition of romance? We’re trying to show her that she’s valuable. So, any time you ridicule or throw out her opinion, without at least giving it a reasonable chance, you are doing the opposite of being romantic. Sounds like a losing proposition to me.

Not only should you hear out her opinion, but you should also give it serious consideration. Hey, you’re not always right, and sometimes, she’s going to be the one who has the answer. As crazy as it sounds, she might even have the answer to why your car doesn’t run. She may not be able to explain why she thinks it’s the alternator that’s bad, but that doesn’t mean she can’t be right.

So, whatever it is, listen to her. Let her tell her your opinion. Who knows, she just might have the answer that you’ve been looking for. Then you can tell her how much you appreciate her help.

Save Those Rose Petals

2011-08-06T09:15:00.000-05:00

I’m always on the lookout for new romantic acts. I mean, you can only buy flowers so many times, right? Actually, wrong. While buying flowers for her every day will soon remove the thrill for her, becoming a routine, you can buy them fairly regularly, and still have it seen as a romantic act.

On the other hand, I can’t write about buying flowers once a week, or even once a month. You come here looking for new ideas, so I’ve got to give them to you. Okay, but I still like to come up with unique things that we can do with the same materials, i.e. flowers.

Did you know that flowers, specifically roses, still smell good, even after they’re dead and dry? That gives us an opportunity for using those flowers you bought her last week for a double romantic act. You’ve already gotten a point from her for giving her the flowers, now you’re going to get another point for doing something creative with those same dead flowers.

When they start dying, don’t throw them away. Instead, take the whole bunch of them, tie them together with a rubber band, and hang them upside down somewhere to dry. Give them a week or so, because you’ll want them good and dry, before going on to the next part.

Now that the flowers are dry, carefully remove all the petals from them. I say carefully because dry flower petals are very fragile and you don’t want to crush them. Granted, some will get crushed no matter what you do, don’t throw those crushed ones away, put them with the others. Just try and have as many whole ones as you can.

Those dry rose petals still smell like roses (or whatever kind of flower petals, like whatever kind of flowers they were), don’t they? They may not smell as strong, but they still have that fragrance. So, let’s make use of that. Find a nice bowl, preferably crystal or some other pretty clear glass bowl. Fill the bowl with your dried flower petals and put it in your bedroom. If you’ve got one of those headboards with a bookshelf in it, put it there, if not, put it on her dresser.

I’ll guarantee you; your wife’s nose is more sensitive than yours. She’ll be able to smell those flowers, even if you don’t notice them. You can stir them around every once in a while, just to make the scent a little bit stronger. You have also created a new romantic tradition. From now on, every time you buy your wife flowers, the dried petals can be added to that bowl.

Another thing you can do with those dried flower petals, which your wife will love, is to make her a sachet. All it takes to make a sachet is a small cloth bag and some flower petals. Put the petals in the bag and tie it closes. Then put it in her underwear drawer for her to find. She’ll love it.

Never Lose the “Wow” Factor

2011-08-04T11:43:00.000-05:00

Do you remember the first time you saw your wife? C’mon, dredge up those old memories; it’s in there somewhere. There must have been something about her that caught your attention; something that made you go “wow.” Right? You probably wouldn’t have gotten to know her if you hadn’t gone “wow” at some point.

Well, what ever happened to that “wow” factor anyway? Do you still go “wow” when you look at your wife, or is your reaction to her more negative than that? It’s important that we watch out for those reactions, because they can gradually get negative if we let them.

You see, we control our reactions to things around us. We may not be able to control what comes our way, but we can definitely control how we react. For example, there’s a group of us sitting around, complaining about our wives (actually, the women do this more than we do). In the midst of this, I pick up my water glass, and throw it on the guy sitting across from me. He might jump to his feet, yelling, “You made me wet and made me mad.”

In reality, all I did was make him wet. He decided all on his own that he would get mad at me. Granted, you might say that I gave him a reason to get mad at me, but it was still his decision. In fact, he could have made that decision, even if I didn’t give him a reason.

So, how you react to your wife is truly up to you. If you still go “wow” when you see her, it’s because you’ve decided to react to her that way. On the other hand, if you go “oh no” when you see her, it’s because you’ve decided that’s the way you want to react to her. Once again, it’s all up to you.

What kind of reaction have you decided to have to your wife? Is it positive, or negative? If it’s negative, you can’t blame anyone but yourself. The good news is, you can decide to change how you think about her. All you have to do to get that “wow factor” back, is decide you want it back; then you’ll start looking for things to say “wow” about. You won’t have to make yourself do it, it’ll happen on it’s own.

So, how’s your “wow” factor now?

Don’t Take it out on Her

2011-08-03T08:34:00.000-05:00

You know, life is full of frustrations. Frustrations at work; frustrations with the kids; financial frustrations; frustration with the car, when it breaks down; even frustration when your team loses the ball game. It’s a given that you can’t get through the average week, without a nice assortment of frustrations coming to pay you a visit.

It’s not just frustrations either. Life is full of other negative emotions; anger, hurt, worry, even fear (although us guys aren’t all that good at admitting it when fear pays us a visit). All in all, we have plenty of opportunity to feel negative emotions and express them.

By comparison, it doesn’t seem like there’s really all that much out there that’s trying to make us happy. It’s almost like happiness tries to hide from us, teasing us every once in a while, but not really letting us know it’s there.

The question is, what do you do with all those negative emotions when they come along? How do you deal with them, so that they don’t become destructive to you and to those around you?

There’s an old saying that goes, “You only hurt the ones you love.” I’m sure you’ve run across it sometime. You’ve probably had a chance to reflect on it, sometime when you had just done something to hurt those around you. Why is it that we hurt them? Why do we end up taking all those negative feelings out on them, instead of dealing with them in a healthier manner?

A large part of the answer to that question is that we don’t deal with the negative emotions; most especially, we don’t deal with the people and things that cause them for us. If the boss does something to upset us, we typically don’t tell him. Instead, we bottle it up inside, waiting for a chance to let it out. Usually, the first “safe” opportunity to let it out is at home, where it ends up directed at… you got it, our wives. So, instead of saying what we want to our boss, we say what we don’t want to our wives, and end up hurting them.

Granted, as guys, we’re not all that into “getting in touch with our feelings.” But, I’ll have to say that we need a little bit more awareness than what we normally show. If you’re upset about something, you at least need to know that you’re upset. The next thought needs to be “I’m dangerous to be around right now.” That way, the explosion which hurts your wife won’t come unexpectedly.

Now, if you’re aware of your anger or frustration, you can start to do something positive about it. I’d recommend starting by letting your wife and kids know that you are dangerous to be around. Then, go shoot some hoops, run a few miles, or pump some iron. Something to help you burn off all that extra energy that the anger has caused in you. That will take you from having a short-burning fuse to at least a longer-burning one.

Once you’ve burned off enough energy to cool off a bit, you’re ready to start dealing with the problem in a more rational way, acting like an adult, instead of like an overgrown adolescent. We all know that adolescents can’t control themselves, but as men, we should be able to.

Now that you can talk rationally, let your wife know what happened, make some intelligent decisions about how to deal with it, and get ready to go on with your life.

That’s a whole lot better than jumping all over your wife, just because somebody or something jumped all over you. By learning to react in this way, you’ll eliminate any reason your wife has for fearing you and show her that you are concerned about her feelings and protecting her from being hurt. That may not be romantic, but then again, it means that when you buy her flowers, it won’t be to apologize, it’ll be to tell her you love her.

Never Forget to Tell Her She’s Beautiful

2011-07-30T10:56:00.000-05:00

I’d like to take a moment to tie together some things I’ve said in a couple of recent postings; two separate but interrelated points, that we need to make sure we deal with properly. The first point was about how women all want to be beautiful. I mentioned that in the post on “If it’s important to her.” The second point was from last month, in the post on “Overcoming her negativity.”

Let me ask you a question, back when you fell in love with your wife, how important was it to you that your wife was beautiful to you? According to Willard Harley’s book, “His Needs, Her Needs” her being attractive is the third biggest need that you, as a man, have in your marriage. So, don’t try and tell me that you married her just because she was charming and witty, or because she had such a marvelous brain, a strong part of the reason that you married her was because you thought she was hot.

Hopefully, the years haven’t diminished that opinion. If they have, you might want to look for the reason why your opinion has changed. Don’t try and blame it all on her, either. If you spend a lot of time looking at other women, especially younger thinner women, you’re probably going to have trouble maintaining the thought that your wife is beautiful. This problem can only get worse if you’re looking at pornography.

My wife and I have been married for 25 years now, and I still think she’s beautiful. She can still turn me on just as much now as she could when we were younger. Oh, I recognize that her body isn’t the same as it was back then, nor is her hair color exactly the same, and she might have a wrinkle or two, although I really don’t notice them. But, you know what? I’m not that lean young guy that she married either. My hair can’t seem to make up its mind whether it’s black or grey, and my spare tire seems to have grown its own spare.

Just because my wife isn’t as young as she once was, doesn’t make her any less beautiful to me. It would if I was preoccupied with other women, but I make a point of not doing that. Fortunately for me, I don’t have to spend a lot of time around young, slim women.

It’s not enough for me to think that my wife is beautiful; I have to constantly make sure that she knows that I think she’s beautiful. That’s the point I want to make here. She needs you to build her self-esteem up, by telling her how beautiful she is. If there’s some part that you don’t particularly find attractive, overlook it and concentrate on the parts that you think are attractive.

Have you ever read the Song of Solomon in the Bible? There are whole sections, like chapter 4, where he’s telling her how beautiful he thinks she is. He describes various parts of her body, comparing them to other things which are considered to be beautiful.

Does your wife have beautiful breasts? Tell her so. Does her hair stand out as being especially wonderful to you? Make sure she knows that. What about her eyes, do you still feel like you’re going to fall in, when you look her in the eyes? Well, go ahead and fall in, just tell her about the experience. Do her lips draw you close, begging to be kissed? Make sure you explain how you can’t resist kissing her; then follow it up with a long, passionate kiss.

Your wife needs to know that you think she’s beautiful. You really can’t tell her that enough times, let alone too many times. She doesn’t think that she is. She looks around at other women and compares herself to them constantly. Unfortunately, in her eyes, she always comes up short.

When was the last time that you told her she was was beautiful? Has it been more than 15 minutes? If it has, that’s too long; it’s time to tell her again. I’ll guarantee you, she won’t get tired of hearing it.

Chick Flicks

2011-07-28T09:13:00.000-05:00

I’ve come to the conclusion that there are four basic types of movies in the world:

Chick flicks, otherwise known as estrogen flicks
Action movies, otherwise known as testosterone flicks
Comedies, which are neutral
Kids movies, especially cartoons

Maybe there’s one or two others that have been produced throughout the history of Hollywood, that don’t fit in one of those three categories, but they’re really, really rare.

If you’re like most couples, you always have a hard time determining what kind of movie you’re going to go see. You want one thing, she wants another, and never the twain shall meet, right? Or, if you do meet, it’s in category four, and you go see something for the kids. I don’t know about you, but I like lots of those kids’ movies.

Okay, so here we are on a blog that’s talking about what? Oh, yeah, being romantic. Well, tell me, what’s romantic about an action movie? For that matter, what’s romantic about trying to get your wife to go to that action movie, when she’d really rather go to a chick flick?

There’s one very important major theme in all chick flicks. Do you know what it is? They’re romantic. Maybe that’s why we guys don’t get all that excited about them; we’re not really into romance. But, our wives are. If we’re going to be loving and romantic towards them, doesn’t it make sense to go to a movie they’d like? Besides, there are definite fringe benefits in going to a chick flick; namely in that she feels romantic afterwards.

We’ve got some friends that try and get away for a weekend together, without kids, every once in a while. When they do, they always go to two movies; one that she picks and one that he does. That way, they both get to see something they like and they get to be with each other, while the other one is getting to see something they like. Sounds like a good compromise to me.

Oh, and, don't forget the popcorn.

If it’s Important to Her…

2011-07-27T09:34:00.000-05:00

Have you ever noticed how women’s priorities are vastly different than ours? You know, sometimes it seems like anything that’s important to us as guys is unimportant to them as women. Of course, that means that whatever is important to us appears to be unimportant to them. It really isn’t that way, of course, but it sure seems that way, at times.

Take going to the beauty salon, for example. Most of us can’t understand that amount of time a woman can spend having her hair fussed with, and her nails done, even getting a pedicure. But, wait a minute, don’t you want your wife to look beautiful? Aren’t you attracted to her, for how she looks? Would she even be your wife, if you didn’t think she was good looking? The reality is that her preoccupation with her looks is a very important part of maintaining your marriage healthy.

How about the other side of the coin? Are there things that you are interested in, which she isn’t, but are important to your marriage? You bet; maybe not everything, but some of your interests benefit the marriage as well.

So, where am I going with all this? Simple; if something is important to her, there’s probably a good reason for it to be important. Why it’s important may not be obvious; in fact, it may not be understandable to you as a guy, but that doesn’t mean it’s not important. If it’s important to her, you should treat it as if it’s important.

That means you don’t ridicule her for it, ignore it, or pretend that it doesn’t exist. Many times, our wives will ask us to do something, because it’s important to them; you know, the famous “honey-do list.” Well, that list exists because she thinks those things are important. The longer you wait to do those things the less important she thinks she is in your eyes.

Did you get that last sentence, that’s important. When we ignore those things which are important to our wives, we send them a message that they aren’t important; not the things, but our wife. Ouch!

On the other hand, when we take care of those things which she thinks is important, we show her that we value her and what is important to her. That’s the kind of message we want to send. So, next time she asks you to do something, don’t ignore it, don’t put it on the bottom of your list, simply do it.

Wake Her up to some Java

2011-07-26T09:25:00.000-05:00

There are those of us for whom getting up in the morning is just another part of life. Then there are those for whom getting up in the morning is a major event, one of the great tragedies of life. Which one are you? Even more importantly, which one is your wife?

If it happens to be that you’re the one who wakes up first in your home, it offers you a great opportunity to start the day out with romance. Waking your wife up in a romantic manner is a great way to start your day; or should I say, to start her day.

Granted, being woken up may not seem very romantic, in fact it might even seem like cruel treatment to some. But that cruelty can easily be mitigated by doing something to show her that you think she’s special. All it takes is going that little extra mile; literally.

Do you and your wife have a favorite coffee shop? Is there a special coffee drink that she likes, or that she always orders? Well, set your alarm clock an extra 15 minutes early, get out of bed, and go get her one. Simple, right? She’ll still have to get up that morning, but at least she’ll get up to a nice cup of coffee. Better yet, she’ll get up knowing that you love her enough to make the effort of going out to get that coffee for her.

Of course, there are those women who don’t like coffee. They’re rare, but they are out there. So, what do you do if you’re married to one of them? Adapt! My wife can’t stand coffee, and is maybe 5% better than that on tea (she’ll have tea only when she has a sore throat, and then there’s more honey than tea). Running out to get a coffee for my wife would be a waste of time; but she likes hot chocolate! I can do the same thing, just change the coffee for hot chocolate.

If you really want to make her coffee special; pick up a rose at the grocery store on your way to the coffee house. Then you can present the coffee and rose together on a serving tray, or attach the rose to her coffee cup with tape. Even if she doesn’t get the message with the coffee (very doubtful), she’ll get it with the flower.

Gift Her Some Music

2011-07-26T00:22:00.000-05:00

I’m sure you’re aware how music can affect someone’s mood. That’s such common knowledge that they even call background music in a restaurant or other public place, “mood music.” Mood music differs from elevator music or Muzak in that at least it’s worth listening to. I’m pretty sure elevator music is intended to just bore you. Even gyms use music; if you go to a gym to work out, they’ve got very energetic, fast paced music, with a clear beat playing, to help you exercise.

Okay, so how does that apply to our marriages? Music has been used for a long time to positively affect people’s thoughts and emotions. As we all know, our wives are emotional beings, so there ought to be some way to make a positive connection between music and our wives.

Most people have a favorite type of music; what’s your wife’s? Is it something upbeat and cheery? Is it dramatic? Is it mournful and depressing? You know, there are some types of music that definitely don’t help the emotions. Jazz Blues doesn’t seem much like music to cheer somebody up, more like something to make them melancholy. Or, what about Country-Western? I can’t see how anyone’s emotions can be lifted up by hearing about how one more Dime-store Cowboy lost his wife and dog on the same day that his pickup truck broke down.

As Christians, my wife and I find that praise and worship music lifts our spirits and our emotions. That’s not the kind of Christian music that usually comes out of the radio; we’ve got to look for it ourselves. But, we’ve built a pretty good collection through the years.

We all know that there are times when our wives need some sort of a pick-me-up. Well, music can do that for her. What we need is the wisdom to put the music on for her in those times. We need to buy her music that will help her, make sure it’s available, and at times, turn on the stereo so she can hear it.

You could even go one step further and buy her an iPod for that music. Most people like to have music when they work, so help her have some music while she’s working. Invest a little in a gift to lift her emotions.

Tell Her Why She’s Special

2011-07-25T08:18:00.001-05:00

It seems that just about all of us, by our very nature, have trouble with maintaining our self esteem. It doesn’t matter if we’re men or women, if nobody is reminding us that we are special, valuable people, we start feeling like we’re nobody. Of course, there are those few exception who are convinced that they are God’s gift to the world; but even then, I wonder if that’s what they think, deep down inside.

I think this problem with self esteem comes from the way the world constantly beats us down. There’s always somebody there to tell us when we’ve failed, when we’re not big enough for the situation or to make fun of our attempts to do what needs to be done. The truth is, there’s enough trouble that confronts us in life to make any of us feel like we’re the wrong person in the wrong place at the wrong time. Life tends to beat us down.

I’m sure you appreciate it when your wife says positive things about you; letting you know that she sees you as her white knight, rust and all. Well, guess what? She appreciates it when you say positive things about her too. In fact, she needs you to tell her what there is about her that makes you love her.

Have you ever noticed how much women want to hear those three words? That’s because they don’t see themselves as being all that loveable. They need to be reminded, because they don’t believe it on their own. Well, there’s more than one way to say “I love you.”

Why did you marry your wife? Hopefully, you saw more in here than just a beautiful body. There must have been some ability, character trait or potential which you saw in her, which caused you to take more than just a second look at her. Guess what? Those things are still there, maybe slightly hidden under the day-to-day chores and cares, but they’re still there.

Tell your wife what it is about her that makes her special in your eyes; those things that you appreciate about her; the special abilities she has that leave you saying “wow.” She needs to hear them, and when she does, she hears you saying “I love you.”

The Time to Buy Her a Gift

2011-07-24T08:22:00.001-05:00

Many men, especially the romantically challenged, only buy their wife a gift on special days, or when they know they’re in trouble. You know what I mean, instead of saying they’re sorry with words, they do so by buying something for her. Now think about that for a moment. Let’s say that the gift is a box of chocolates, always a good gift idea. Every time she eats one of those chocolates, she’s going to be reminded of whatever he did that got her upset the first time. Sounds to me like a recipe for bitterness.

On the other hand, if he’s in the habit of buying her gifts, and can actually learn how to say “I’m sorry” then his gifts are going to be much more effective. He won’t be giving her gifts to try and get out of trouble, he’ll be giving her gifts to try and keep their marriage strong; a much better proposition in my eyes.

So, when is it a good time to buy her a gift? Good question, how about… anytime! Why does there have to be a special reason; why not just buy it because you want to? Just because you’re thinking about her.

I remember seeing a little sign at an art show I participated in as a kid. It said, “The time to buy a work of art is when you see one you like.” I always liked that little jingle, so let’s adapt it to our needs. The time to buy your wife a gift, is when you see something she’d like. How’s that? Sounds to me like a good time to buy her a gift.

Let me show you how this works. I was in a Barnes & Nobles book store the other day, having a cup of coffee with a friend. There was a stand in the coffee shop, where they were selling Godiva chocolates. Now, my wife and I are both chocoholics, especially for dark chocolate, so buying her chocolate is always a good idea. They had something I’d never seen before, they had Godiva dark hot chocolate mix. Now, not only is my wife a chocoholic, but she can’t stand coffee or tea, so she drinks hot chocolate. Hark, I hear the voice of opportunity knocking on my door! Time to buy my wife a little gift.

See how easy that is. If you know what your wife likes, and you should, all you have to do is keep your eyes open and take advantage of the opportunities that present themselves. I’m sure you’ll find plenty of opportunities. In fact, you might find so many, that you could go bankrupt trying to use them all. Uhhh… don’t do that, it won’t help.

Sunrise, Sunset

2011-07-23T11:09:00.001-05:00

We all have the same struggles coming up with enough time for romance. No matter who we are, it seems like there’s a million things trying to steal our time and keep us from having time for our wives. It seems that all too often, romance takes a back seat to other priorities. However, there are two times in the day that just seem naturally made for romance, sunrise and sunset.

Have you ever just sat and enjoyed the quiet of a sunrise, or even the quiet of a sunset. There’s something about the peace and quiet of those times, which bleeds the stress off, replacing it with peace.

How about spending that time with your wife? Have the two of you ever just taken the time to enjoy a sunrise or a sunset together? If not, maybe it’s time to do so.

Find yourself a nice quiet place, preferably outside of town; even better yet, a place with some great scenery to go along with the sunset. A place where nobody can bother you while you are enjoying yourself. Bring yourself a blanket or a couple of chairs to sit on, something to eat and drink with you and make sure you get there in plenty of time to set up and relax.

Take your time to just sit there and enjoy yourself. Enjoy your snack together, and take the time to watch the changing of the colors in the sky, see the beauty of God’s creation, and remember the beauty of your wife. Don’t forget to compliment her on her beauty as well.

Who knows, maybe this could get to be a new habit of yours.

Sometimes, Work isn’t the Most Important Thing

2011-07-15T13:23:00.001-05:00

As guys, we tend to be very focused on our work; what we do becomes who we are. It affects our self-worth, our social standing and our sense of well-being. There’s a great tendency to make that the most important priority in our lives; letting everything else slip at times, so that we can focus on our work. This situation is even more pronounced for those of us who are professionals. Somehow, we’ve all been taught that our work comes before anything else.

While I have to agree that work is important, I have to disagree that it is the most important thing in our lives. Once upon a time, I was on that fast-track route, climbing the corporate ladder, trying to be a “success.” Fortunately for me and for my marriage, I learned that work is not the most important thing in my life.

Although I still work a lot, I’ve chosen to work as a freelancer. This allows me the flexibility that I need to be a successful professional; while still being a successful husband. As I said, I still work a lot, but when my wife needs me, I can be there for her.

You see, I no longer work to feel valuable. Nor do I do it to be a success. I work so that I can pay the bills. That means that my work is suborned to other things in my life, instead of being my life. Since my purpose in working is to support those other things, then I can choose not to work, when I need to focus on those other areas of my life.

Let me give you a simple example. My wife needed to go to the dentist today. Since we live on the Texas/Mexico border, we go to the dentist in Mexico, where it’s a whole lot cheaper. But, Northern Mexico isn’t a very safe place to be right now. So, I don’t let my wife go there by herself. When she needs to go, I take her. Since my work schedule is flexible, I am able to do that, and work later to make up for it.

The point is, she’s more important to me than my work. So, when she needs me, I need to be there for her, not off working on something that doesn’t allow me to be available for her needs. I’ve made some life-style decisions, which allow me to live in a way, where I am available to my wife. That’s important to her and it’s important to me.

How many times has your wife needed you, but you couldn’t find time for her? I know there were lots of times where I failed in that area; before making some important decisions. Yes, my wife wants me to make a decent living; but not at the cost of not having time for the more important things in life. Since I’ve decided that she’s more important, I have to live that way.

Taking Care of things at Home

2011-07-13T10:53:00.001-05:00

Sometimes, I think all us guys need a swift kick on the side of head every month or so, just to wake us up. I know, I know, I’m a guy too, and I’m supposed to defend us, right? Well, I’ll have to say, in all honesty, that there are some times when we don’t deserve to be defended.

Don’t get me wrong here; I’m not of that camp which says that we are supposed to become more like our wives. In fact, the way I read Ephesians, chapter 5, part of the “wives submit to your husbands” means that they are to “adapt themselves to” us. Psychology tells us to “get in touch with our feelings” and learn how to talk about them; but the Bible doesn’t say that.

No, what I’m talking about is how insensitive we can be to the things that matter to our wives. It seems to me that loving someone includes taking an interest in what interests them. Don’t we all love it when a woman asks us about our jobs? Why? Because we tend to identify ourselves with our professions, so to us, asking about our work is asking us about who we are and what makes us tick.

Of course, our wives aren’t the same. They don’t identify themselves by their work, but by their family, their relationships, even by their home. So, to take an interest in them, means to take an interest in family, relationships and the home.

I realize that might not be easy; in fact, it’s rather unnatural for us. The only way that a guy can really take that sort of interest is to make a point of doing so. There are so many things that we naturally overlook; but many of those things are important to our wives.

Take the house for example. As guys, we can live anywhere, in anything, and be just about as content as if we were living in a palace. Often, we’re more concerned about how our car looks than how our house looks; but our wives are concerned about the house. This can cause a lot of opportunity for disagreements and fights if we let it. On the other hand, it can provide us with the opportunity to show our wives how much we care, if we utilize it.

How many things are there around your house that need to be repaired? Not sure? You know, every one of those things can become a sore point for your wife. Worse than that, they can make her feel bad about herself. That can have serious consequences.

All too often, when faced with a broken window or a sagging porch, we do something to make it useable, “till we have the time to repair it.” The problem is, that time never arrives, unless we make a point of making it arrive. Waiting for it to show up on its own doesn’t work. But, when we do make a point of noticing those things, and do something about them, we make our wives feel like their concerns are our concerns; that we are interested in what they are interested in, and that we care.

Let’s take this idea one step further. I don’t know about you, but I’m a consummate do-it-yourselfer. When I look at my home, I’m seeing all sorts of projects that I can do to make it better. Granted, not all of those projects are practical from a financial point of view, but at least some of them are. Even if you can’t do them yourself, you could always hire someone else to do them.

Investing money in upgrading your house is always worthwhile. Not only does it make your house more enjoyable to live in, it also makes your property value go up. In the world of real estate they call this “sweat equity.” It’s the equity (value) you have in your home, which comes from the work you’ve done on it. But, there’s another value that goes along with that; it’s the value of positive feelings that you put into your wife’s heart. By improving your home, you make her feel as if you’re investing in her.

One last detail I want to mention about this. Women like to feel pretty; which is very good planning on God’s part, since we like them to be pretty as well. Doing the minimum necessary to fix or upgrade something is one thing; but if you really want to gain ground, go above and beyond.

What do I mean by that? Simple; if you’re going to paint the exterior of your house, find a way to make the paint job extraordinary. Let’s take a brick house for example; instead of painting the trim one color, make it two tone; one for the soffits and the other for the trim. That dresses up a house a lot; or you could say “makes it prettier.” Another simple example is to add crown molding in the living areas of your house, especially if you are about to paint. It adds a lot of elegance to the rooms, without an enormous cost.

Why spend the time and money for these extras? Because they will make your wife feel good. That, in and of itself, makes it worthwhile.

How Important is it?

2011-07-12T08:50:00.001-05:00

It’s summertime, time for getting out in the sun, having a barbecue, playing sports and especially going on fishing trips; all those great fun-filled activities that we all look forward to every summer. So, what are your plans for this summer? Got a big fishing trip planned with the guys?

You know, there are some activities that we undertake as guys, which aren’t all that exciting for our wives. In my whole life I think I’ve only met two women who like to go fishing; probably about the same number who like to play football. Most women, even the ones who like getting out in the fresh air, just don’t seem to be into those great outdoor activities that we like.

“Okay, so what? I need my time for me, right? I need a little space so I can do what I want to do.”

You know, if some guy came to me talking like that, I’d probably answer him with, “I, I, I, I, I, everything seems to be about I.” I thought you were married.

You see, in marriage, the word “I” changes to a plural word. “I” as a bachelor is different; it really is about the individual. But, once you say “I do,” “I” includes that woman you just promised to cleave to, till death do you part. Going off on a fishing trip, when she doesn’t like to fish, just isn’t taking care of your marriage.

I’m not saying “You’ve got to sacrifice for her” (said with a deep voice and lots of drama), I’m saying that it’s time to review your priorities. I like to hunt and fish too, I grew up that way. But, you know, when I married my wife, I knew that she wasn’t into those things. To her, hunting was something you did in the mall; and it wasn’t about some smelly animal either.

There are a number of things that I left behind when I got married. Not because I was “sacrificing those things for my marriage” (roll the drama voice again), but because she was more important than those other things. It was easy to leave them behind, because I wanted to be with her.

You know something? I still feel that way. As much as I’d love to take a weekend off and go fishing with my buddies, I’d much rather spend that weekend with her, painting the living room. Not because I love to paint, but because I love to be with her. To me, any activity without my wife, isn’t much of an activity at all.

What about you?

When we Wait to Forgive

2011-07-08T07:59:00.001-05:00

Have you ever noticed how most of us wait to forgive each other? What I mean by that is, well, actually it’s a couple of things. First of all, we tend not to forgive, until that other person asks for forgiveness. Then, even when they ask us to forgive them, we’re not in much of a hurry to do so.

What we’re really doing when we’re like that is that we’re trying to make them pay for whatever indiscretion they’ve done that offended us. We want them to grovel a little and beg our forgiveness, so that they know that they’ve been wrong. Not only that, but they show us that they know how wrong they’ve been and that we are so valuable, that they can’t afford to lose our love and friendship.

What a bunch of hogwash! I have to say, when we act like that, we are acting in pride. Not only are we acting in pride, but the only love we are demonstrating is love for self. There’s no love for the other person in making them grovel before us.

While I’m on my soapbox, let me say that it isn’t that other person’s fault that they’ve offended you. Let me put it this way, if I throw a bucket of water on you, and you get mad, you might say, “You made me wet and you made me mad.” But the truth is, I just made you wet, you decided to get mad all on your own. In fact, in other circumstances, you might not choose to get mad at the same act, but to laugh instead.

So, if it’s not the other person’s fault, when they offend you, whose fault is it? That’s simple, it’s yours. You choose whether you allow something to offend you or not. In fact, many times, you have to misunderstand what the other person is saying, in order to get offended. Then you have to decide that what they said or did was intentionally done to be against you; whether it was or not. Like I said, it’s all pride.

If we are going to truly act in love, then we are going to work to avoid being offended, instead of working to seek out offense in what others say. If we do start to feel a little offense, we’re not going to nurse it; we’re going to be quick to forgive, dispelling the offense, before it has a chance to grow

Being romantic, without displaying the heart attitude of selfless love, really isn’t worth much. It becomes a way of seeking to make up for wrong actions and attitudes, instead of a way to demonstrate and build the relationship in a marriage. Start where it mattes, with the things of your heart. Then you’ll be ready to minister to her heart so much more.

Time for a Little Dress Up

2011-06-24T07:52:00.001-05:00

If you ever had sisters, you probably remember how they loved to play dress-up. Although you wouldn’t admit it, you probably played along with them a time or two; dressing up and pretending that you’re somebody different. You might have even been in a few amateur theatrics that you put on in your own living room, for an audience of your parents.

You know something? Women never really outgrow that stage of playing dress up. They like getting dressed up fancy, just to do it; even if there’s no reason. That’s part of the joy of shopping for women; just getting to go dress up in something different.

Dressing up also changes how they feel about themselves. One of the reasons that women buy so much clothing is that they think they’re ugly. Granted, not all women think they’re ugly. There’s the one or two percent out there who are really stuck up about how they look. But with women, there’s pretty much no middle ground. Either they thing they’re God’s gift to mankind, or they think they’re ugly. They might have a moment or two where they don’t think that way, but those are rare moments.

When a woman puts on something new and pretty, it makes her feel pretty; that makes her feel good about herself. So, when your wife buys new clothing, she’s trying to make herself feel good. That’s it.

They also like it when we dress up. Something about a man, dressed up in a nice suit, attracts a woman’s eye. Now, women aren’t visually stimulated like men are, but they do notice how one is dressed. My wife always comments when I get dressed up. Guess what? She’s not alone in that.

So, here’s the plan. Since Friday night is probably your date night, make it a fancy one this week. I don’t mean that you have to go out to the fanciest restaurant in town (although you can if you want), just that you have to be the fanciest ones in town. Put on your best and have her do so too. If you end up eating I McDonalds, everyone will be staring at you. That’s all right, let them think you just came from the prom.

Maybe you could put a little acting into the game as well. Pretend that you’re Al Capone and she’s your doll. Or, you could pretend that you just struck it rich, and she’s a gold digger. Have a little fun; get out of your routine, be somebody you’ve always dreamed of being.

The point is to help her feel good about herself. Just getting dressed up will do that. Any stares or attention she gets will help her feel good too. Like I said, have fun, laugh, make the most of it.

Picture You Perfect

2011-06-23T09:00:00.001-05:00

Pictures can be very romantic. They can capture special moments, special feelings and especially special people. So, when was the last time that the two of you got a picture taken as a couple? If you’re like most of us, the last picture might be from your wedding.

Even if you’re not all that interested in capturing your entire life on film (or electronic images like we do today), your wife probably is. I’m more of an artistic type of photographer, so whenever we went places, I was taking pictures of what was there. My wife always wanted the typical “tourist pictures” of the family standing in front of or beside some sign or monument to tell where we were.

To a woman, unless she’s an artistic photographer, pictures are memories of things that she’s done with people that she loves. As such, they’re important to her. Not just to have, but to go through every once in a while, remembering the great experiences you’ve had together as a couple and as a family.

So, to get back to the original question I asked you, when was the last time the two of you had a picture taken together as a couple? I don’t just mean snapping a quick pic either; I’m talking about a nice, professionally done photo of the two of you. If it’s been a while, then you have an opportunity to schedule a nice romantic gift for your wife.

Call your local photo studio, and schedule a session to get your photo taken together. Go through the extra effort to dress nice for the photo, even getting a hair cut if you need it. This photo is going to be around for a while, so you want to make sure it comes out nice.

Oh, and don’t forget to smile for the birdie.

Be Sure to Take Her Along

2011-06-21T08:40:00.001-05:00

There are those of us who occasionally have to travel or attend dinner for business purposes. To us, it’s nothing exciting; just part of business. But, to our wives, it’s an opportunity to get out, go somewhere and do something.

Actually, I think they’ve got a better idea about it anyway. I’ve been on enough boring business trips, that I’m really not that interested in going on another one. It’s much better to take her along and turn that business trip into a fun trip. Park the kids with someone, pay for the extra plane ticket, even try and get an extra day in there, if possible. It makes the trip much more enjoyable.

The issue isn’t about where you’re going. Granted, if your company sends you to Hawaii, and you leave your wife at home, you’re going to have a lot of explaining to do. But, most of the time, the company doesn’t send us anywhere all that interesting. Still, wherever it is has got to be more interesting than staying at home with the kids.

You can make anyplace into an interesting trip, if you try to. There are interesting places to go, things to see and new restaurants to try. Even if you’re in the middle of nowhere, you can use the extra time, just to spend some time together. After all, what else are you going to do in the evening?

So, park the kids with their grandparents for a few days, and take your wife along with you. That can turn your boring business trip into something interesting; maybe even a second honeymoon.

Overcome Her Negativity

2011-06-20T11:23:00.001-05:00

Have you ever noticed that women in general are negative? Now, I realize that any time someone talks in generalities, they end up being generally wrong; but, I’m going to take a shot at it anyway. What I’m saying about women may not be true in all cases, but it is true in most cases. Women tend to be negative.

Let me back that up with a little bit of something to show you what I mean. First of all, women have a much greater tendency to be worriers than men do. As men, when we have a problem we can’t do anything about, we tend to set it aside, waiting until we can do something about it. In the mean time, we work on something that we can do something about.

Women also complain more. Us guys will usually keep our complaints bottled up inside us, while women have a genuine need to get their complaints “off their chest.” So, they complain. They also tend to think that the worst is going to happen, instead of the best. They also think very negatively about themselves. A man walking by a mirror in a store will look at himself and think, “Yeah, I’ve still got it.” But, a woman going by the same mirror will think, “I’m fat. Is that another grey hair? I’m getting too many wrinkles.” I’m ugly. Finally, women are much more likely to say “no” to having some fun, especially if it involves something out of the ordinary. They like things calm and familiar, not crazy and adventurous.

Okay, so let’s not put our wives down for how they are, let’s just understand it. The important thing is that both you and her don’t be negative; because negativity feeds upon itself, breeding more negativity. What you need to do, is overcome your wife’s negativity with your positivity. Realize that she’s that way and help her overcome it by the things that you say.

I think, of all the negativity I’ve seen in women, the biggie is their negativity towards themselves. Knowing that, I see a great need for us husbands to be constantly affirming our wives, especially affirming how they look, to help her feel good about herself.

So, what do you do if your wife is overweight? Simple, just don’t talk about that part. Talk about how beautiful her hair is, or her eyes, or her breasts. Don’t add to her negativity; overcome it with talking about the things that you see are beautiful. This isn’t about you, it’s about helping her.

The last thing you want to do is to add to her already negative opinion about herself, her life and her surroundings. Remember, her complaints have basis in what she’s feeling in her heart. So, if she complains about something regularly, that means there’s something behind that complaint. You may have to do a little digging, but you should be able to find out what it is.

If she’s complaining about something, it might just be words. But, if you find that there is some basis in fact, behind her complaint. Then you should do something about it. Maybe she complains about the house a lot. Okay, why? Could it be that the house has some problems that need to be fixed? Granted, as guys, we’re much less likely to notice this than our wives are. So, pay attention to her complaint. Investigate it. If there is a problem with the house, you’d probably better do something about it.

The end result of all this is that you can affect how your wife feels about things. It’s not easy, but it is possible. You can be positive enough to overcome her worries, her complaints and her negative opinions. Don’t take any of it personally, just look for ways to overcome it.

Love Note Rocks

2011-06-10T08:28:00.002-05:00

Any true book lover can tell you that historically, the longest-lasting writings are all done in stone. The question is, is your love for your wife long lasting enough to put it on stone? This isn’t for the faint of heart now, if your love won’t last as long as that stone you’re putting it on, are you sure you want to declare it there?

Granted, etching words in stone with a hammer and chisel is a rather cumbersome task. Fortunately for us, we don’t really have to go to that extreme. No, instead of etching our messages into the stone, I think it would be much more practical to paint them on the stone.

Here’s how you do it:

Gather some nice stones, something about the size of a fist.
Clean your stones (your wife isn’t going to want dirty stones; besides, the paint won’t last)
Figure out which way the stones sit better (which side is up). Paint a small (1” – 2”) circle or oval on the up side of each of them, with acrylic or latex paint. Allow it to dry.
Paint your wife’s name in the circle. Allow it to dry thoroughly.
Now, flip the stone over and paint the entire underside of it. Allow the paint to dry.
Paint a loving phrase inside that circle. Allow it to dry thoroughly.

In case you’re having some trouble coming up with loving phrases, here’s a few that you can use:

I love/need/want you (real original, right?)
You are wonderful
You are beautiful
You are the world’s best wife/friend/lover (whatever you want to put there)
You make me happy/feel special/want you more
I never get tired of just looking at you
How was I so lucky to get you?
You rock!

Now that your love note rocks are ready, you need to make the delivery. There’s a couple of ways you could go about that. One is to put them in your flower garden, then casually take your wife out there to look at the flowers, letting her discover them. Another is to place them along a route and take a walk to find them (only, you’d better be ready to carry them back for her). You could even make a little cluster of them in a basket, or by the front door and let her find it.

No matter how you make the delivery, your wife will be the only woman in the neighborhood whose husband loves her enough to make his love note so permanent as to put it on stone.

A Romantic Getaway

2011-06-09T09:41:00.001-05:00

It’s summertime, the time of outdoor activities, back-yard barbecues and vacations. The kids are out of school, the sun is going down later and everyone is taking advantage of the time to enjoy themselves. Nothing wrong with that, just don’t forget to enjoy yourself with your wife as well.

Whiles you’re planning this year’s vacation, why not plan it in such a way as to have some time for just the two of you. There’s a couple of different ways that you can do that:

Plan two vacations, one with the family and one as a couple. Leave the kids with your parents, while the two of you get away.
Plan a family vacation that will give the kids something to do, while you spend some time alone.
Plan on sending the kids to camp, sometime during the summers, so you can have a couple of days alone.

The point is that the two of you get at least a couple of days alone. Of course, if your kids are grown up this isn’t a problem, but with kids, it can be a real challenge.

Don’t try and fill those days that you spend together with activities, try and fill it with each other. Read the Bible or a marriage book together. Take some long walks. Watch the sun come up or go down. Sit together to listen to the waves crashing on the shore or the wind blowing through the mountain trees. Have long talks about your dreams. Lie in each other’s arms and kiss.

The point of the exercise is to have some time where the two of you are just focused on each other. Not on doing something together, nor going somewhere together, but being together. Some time, in which you don’t have to rush to pick up the kids, get back to work or run off to some activity.

Make sure you leave laptops, phones and other distractions behind when you do this. Matter of fact, it’d be a good idea to leave your watches behind as well. You don’t need a watch to tell you when it’s time to eat, just eat when you’re hungry. Nor do you need a watch to tell you when to sleep; you can do that when you’re tired. You’re leaving everything behind that requires keeping track of time, so why not leave time behind as well?

Enjoy your time of just being you together, enjoying exploring the person that you are joined together with, just as if you were on your honeymoon once again. In fact, why not make it a second honeymoon?

A Gift to Relax Her

2011-06-06T08:21:00.001-05:00

It seems that lots of guys equate romance with gifts, more than anything else. You know, the classic gift of giving your wife flowers or chocolates. Fortunately for us, women seem to like receiving those gifts. They almost seem to accept them as if they’d never been given a gift before.

What is it about giving gifts that makes it so special? It’s that when you give a gift, you are really giving a part of yourself to the other person. You see, the only real thing any of us have is our time and our ability. So, when we go to work somewhere, whether it is for a huge conglomerate, a small business, or even working as an independent contractor, we’re trading out time and ability to others for money. When we buy something with that money, we’re actually buying it with part of our lives. So, giving a gift, is giving of yourself.

A relationship is also about giving of yourself. Oh, maybe it’s a little bit intangible how we give of ourselves, but that doesn’t change anything, we still give of ourselves. Or, at least we give of ourselves if we want that relationship to be successful. Without giving of yourself, the relationship really never goes anywhere.

Okay, so now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, what type of gifts, besides flowers and chocolate, are good ones to give to your wife? That’s an easy one; give her gifts that make her feel special. To do that, the gift must do at least one of these four things:

Pamper her
Make her feel feminine
Make her feel special
Have something to do with some non-professional interest, like a hobby

So, let’s go back to those two classic gifts, flowers and chocolate. Do those fall into one of those categories? Well, we can say that both of them fall into the category of making her feel special. But, we can also say that the chocolate pampers her, because the chocolate we give as gifts is not just your run of the mill, pick it up at the convenience store type of chocolate. The flowers make her feel feminine, because they are beautiful and perfumed; both things that are often associated with femininity.

Here’s another gift that should hit three out of four of those criterion; give her bubble bath. I don’t know why, but women like to soak in a hot tub, especially if they have bubble bath. So, if she likes it, then it sounds like a good gift to me.

Actually, soaking in a hot bath is a great way to relax, especially after a stressful day. Maybe she’s got more wisdom than just personal pleasure in taking those hot baths.

You might have a little trouble finding any place that sells bubble bath these days. Never fear, it is still available. If you can’t find it anywhere else, you might try looking at the store Bath and Body Works. Last time I checked, they had several different, scented bubble baths available.

Morning Massage

2011-05-27T07:53:00.001-05:00

Waking your wife up in the morning can be a bit of a challenge at times. It can be an especially big challenge if you want to do it in as loving a way as possible. There’s just something about that old elbow in the ribs method that just isn’t all that romantic, you know?

I think we can all agree that giving your wife a massage is romantic. The problem we have is trying to find a time when we can give her that massage. If your household is anything like mine, by the time we fall into bed at night, everyone is exhausted. She might really appreciate a massage at that time, but you don’t have the energy to give her one.

Okay, so let’s try and kill two birds with one stone here. How about waking her up with a massage? This is especially easy to do if you have one of those vibratory massagers. Just plug it in, pull the blankets off of her, and massage away.

Not only is she going to wake up from that massage, but there’s a really good chance that you’re going to manage to wake her up in a good mood. C’mon, what better way to be awakened than by somebody pampering you?

Oil and Romance

2011-05-26T08:31:00.001-05:00

Every once in a while it’s nice to be able to come up with a romantic gift to give your wife. The trick is coming up with something romantic to give her. There are lots of cute, trinket things you can get her, but most of us guys really have trouble getting excited about trinkets. Since we don’t get excited about them, then we have a little bit of trouble picking them out for our wives.

Well, here’s a romantic gift you can get excited about giving to your wife… oil… how’s that? Now, I’m not talking about motor oil, nor am I talking about cooking oil. Neither of those are romantic at all. No, what I’m talking about is massage oil. Now that’s a romantic gift.

Massage oils are used; you guessed it, for giving massages. They’re to help your hands glide smoothly across her skin, as you massage away all the stress of the day. They’re also scented, and women like things that are scented; that’s why they like perfume so much.

Obviously, there’s a second part to this gift, that of using the massage oil. Giving it to her, and not giving her the massage (actually several massages) to go with it, is somewhat of a slap in the face. Instead of showing her that you love her, you’ll send the message that she isn’t important enough for you to take the time and effort to give her a massage.

You know the great thing about giving her a massage? You’re already an expert. That’s right; you don’t need any lessons in how to do it. All you need is to get her clothes off of her and her lying down on the bed face down. Then, put a little oil on your hands, and start rubbing. Watch for her reactions, as that will tell you if you’re rubbing too hard in a spot. Sometimes, when one is tense or has sore muscles, rubbing away that tension can be painful, so you want to be careful to not go too hard. On the other hand, you’re not trying to tickle her.

A massage right before bedtime can even help her sleep better. Many women don’t sleep well, because of being worried, tense, or just laying there thinking about things that need to be done. Giving your wife a massage right before going to sleep, might just be what she needs in order to sleep well. There might be some additional benefits too.

So, have some fun helping her get rid of her tension. Who knows, maybe it will become a regular part of your life.

Mr. Fix-It

2011-05-25T19:32:00.001-05:00

I’m sure you’ve noticed how your wife is slightly less mechanically and technologically oriented than you are, just like there are certain things for which you are more inept than she is. That’s not the point though, at least not right now. Actually, there are some women who are remarkably capable at hanging pictures, changing the air conditioning filter and even changing the oil on the car. But, that’s not the norm.

God has given you certain abilities, and your wife other abilities. He didn’t do this to give you something to fight about, but rather to give you a way of being a blessing to each other. It’s amazing how many people get frustrated, because their spouse isn’t like them, can’t do the things that they do, and doesn’t understand things the same way that they do. Let’s be honest though, life would be pretty boring if your wife was like you; not to mention rather weird as well.

When you have guests over, and your wife fixes a special meal, one of her best, doesn’t that make you feel proud of her? Don’t you feel a little like bragging about her great ability in the kitchen? Well, guess what, when you show off your abilities for her benefit, it makes her feel the same way about you.

One of the ways we “show off” for our wives is by being there to fix things for her. She doesn’t understand all that technical and mechanical stuff; and she really doesn’t want to understand it. That’s not her thing, it’s yours. That’s okay, because when you do it for her; she gains the benefit of your ability; just like you gain the benefit of her ability when you eat that great meal she’s prepared.

It’s actually the differences we have, not the similarities, which give us a reason to get married. When a couple comes together in marriage, they become stronger, they gain ability, they can accomplish more. Why? Because when each of us uses our abilities for the benefit of the marriage, then we are able to multiply our abilities.

So, when she needs something fixed, don’t feel like she’s robbing your free time. She’s not. You may not realize it, but when you said “I do” you were saying “I do fix the plugged up sink” and “I do paint the living room” and even “I do fix her mix-up on the computer.” So, what can I say, just do it.

Pick Up After Yourself

2011-05-19T08:23:00.001-05:00

You know, there are things we do which are positive and there are things which we do that are negative. I mean some of the things which we do have the opposite effect of being romantic. Instead of helping us, these things hurt our relationship with our wives.

There are thing that men do, which their wives regularly complain about. Granted, most of them are little things. But, I can pretty much guarantee you that no matter how many good, romantic things those men do for their wives, if they keep doing things that annoy her, they’re not going to make a lot of headway. Instead of being seen as being romantic, those acts will be seen as just trying to make up for the bad that they’ve done.

Take leaving the dirty clothes on the floor and on the bed for example. This is one of the things that women regularly complain about; their husbands dropping their dirty clothes on the floor, or even worse, on the bed. Now, while that may not seem like such a bid deal to you and me, to her it is, especially when he’s doing it all the time.

What’s so hard about putting the dirty clothes in the hamper or clothes basket? I’ve never been able to figure that one out. But some men, even some who can sink the basketball from the 3-point line every time, can’t seem to hit the clothes basket. Actually, it’s not that they can’t, it’s that they don’t try.

There are other things that fall into this category too; leaving dirty car parts on the kitchen table, fishing gear in the living room and muddy boots by the door are all crimes equally grave. The common thing is, they’re all about treating your wife as a slave. How’s that? Simple, she ends up having to pick up after you. I know, you’re probably thinking, “I’m not treating her like a slave, she can just leave it there.” Really? Do you really think she can just leave it there?

If you are thinking that, then you’re committing a worse crime, you’re not caring about what she cares about. Her home is important to her. She wants it to look nice. So, when you leave all that stuff lying around, you are forcing her to choose between being a slave or not having her opinion matter. Neither one sounds like a good choice.

So, all you have to do is learn how to pick up after yourself. It’s really not all that hard, nor does it take all that much time. The advantage? Well, the next time you go looking for it, you’ll be able to find it. That alone seems to make it worth doing. Plus, you get the bonus of not annoying your wife; two point win.

Date Night? Anytime!

2011-05-18T07:52:00.001-05:00

We’ve talked before about the importance of having a date night. Just a time for the two of you to get away by yourself and be together, talk and just enjoy each other’s company. Yet, I’m sure that there are many of you out there who still struggle with finding time for your date night. I know that we did for years. Our schedule is far from regular, and finding an evening when we were both free from commitments and work that we had to do at home was almost impossible.

We had to get a little bit original to be able to have our date night. Let me ask you a something. Is there any rule I don’t know about which says that says date night has to be at night? Am I missing something, or is it actually possible to have a date that isn’t at night?

That’s what we finally ended up doing; out date night isn’t at night, it’s during the day. We have our date night for lunch on Wednesdays. For some reason, Wednesdays are a day that both of us can make ourselves free to get together. Notice I didn’t say we are free, I said that we can make ourselves free. Every time Wednesday comes around, I look at the work piled up on my desk, and think that there’s no way I’ll have time to go out with my wife. But, every Wednesday I make the time so that I can go out with her. The work just has to wait till I get back.

You see, it’s really about priorities. I have deadlines to meet and customers who are waiting for my work. My typical work week is full enough that I struggle to have enough time for this blog. But, and again I say but, she’s more important. That’s really what it all boils down to.

If I have to work a little bit later to make up for it, so be it. At least I’ll have taken that time for my wife. She’ll know that she’s important to me. Better yet, that lunch date gives us both a nice break, right in the middle of our week. We go back to our work refreshed, ready to face the rest of the week. Just because we’ve made time for each other.

Recognize Her Excellence

2011-05-17T08:11:00.001-05:00

You know, all of us crave recognition. It doesn’t matter who you are or what you’ve done, that craving is still there, even for people who have never put forth the extra effort to do something outstanding. There’s just something inside of us that wants others to recognize that we’re someone special.

Some of my most prized possessions are things I received as recognition for something I did, either in my years of engineering or my service in the army. Of them all, my favorite is a bus-driver’s jacket that was given to me by a customer, back when I was an engineer in the city bus manufacturing plant. I had needed to put forth some extraordinary effort to complete their order on time, and they gave me that jacket as a thank you. It’s old and grease stained now, but it’s still special to me.

What makes that jacket special isn’t that it was expensive or that it’s elegant, but what it represents. It represents someone taking the time to say, “You’re special; thank you.” It doesn’t matter what happens in my life, that jacket will always be special.

What does your wife do that’s outstanding? What do you appreciate her for? Is she the best tortilla maker you’ve ever met in your life? Or, does she have the most beautiful hair? Perhaps it’s that she is always cheerful, encouraging the rest of the family when you are down. Then again, it could be that she’s the best little-league mom in the west. Whatever it is, there’s something special about her; maybe several somethings that are special about her, the things that make her stand out from the crowd.

Okay, so now that we’ve established that your wife is deserving of recognition, who’s going to recognize her for it? If you think that her boss or the little league team are going to do it, think again. Why don’t you do it?

I know we always think it’s a little corny when our kids give us a “#1 Dad” coffee mug on Father’s Day, but don’t we appreciate it too? Well, it’s time you made your wife some sort of an award for being the best at what she’s the best at. I don’t mean just go out and buy her a “#1 Mom” coffee mug, I think you should personalize it a bit more than that. Make her a certificate, or better yet, get a trophy place to make her a plaque which extols her virtues in that area.

Present it to her at a formal ceremony with your family. You want to ham this up a bit, but not so much that it comes across as phony. She needs to see that you’re serious about what you’re saying on that award, not that you’re making fun of her. Let her know that her efforts aren’t in vain, that somebody sees them and appreciates her for them. Cheer her on.

Get Creative with Photos

2011-05-16T07:50:00.002-05:00

Memories can be very romantic at time, especially memories of good times you’ve had together. They help to remind us of the joy we’ve shared, the things that have drawn us close together and the reason we love one another.

Even so, most of us keep most of our photos stashed away somewhere in albums or boxes. We might drag them out from time to time, but unless we’re retired or showing them to the grandkids, most of the time all those photos we’ve taken for memories just stay in their boxes and albums, waiting for someday.

So, let’s do something with some of those photos that will help our marriages. Start by selecting a bunch of photos from your early years; dating, your wedding, your honeymoon, even the first year of marriage. Get at least a dozen good ones; two dozen would be even better.

Now, make a collage out of those photos. If you struggle with creativity, you could get one of those picture frames with a bunch of cutouts, but you’d be better off making the collage. A collage is just a bunch of different items, in this case pictures, put together to form a design or picture. You can make your collage look like whatever you want, but something simple would be the easiest. The idea is to get the pictures together, not to create an image of your wife out of the photos.

You might want to make a nice heart out of red paper and put it in the collage somewhere. Or, maybe put your names and “I Love You” in there somewhere. Something to act as a reminder that the collage is about your love for one another.

You’ll need a pretty good sized picture frame to put your collage in. That way, you can hang it up, where you can both see it. Might I recommend that you hang it in your bedroom? Unless you have a family photo album wall somewhere to hang it. Before you hang it, give it to your wife as a gift. That’s why you made it, for her.

Be There for Her

2011-05-15T08:21:00.001-05:00

In the hustle and bustle of life, it’s all too easy to forget about something that’s important to your wife. I’m not even talking about the biggies here; your anniversary and her birthday, forgetting those earns you a one way trip to the dog house for the next year. No, I’m talking about the day-to-day times when she needs you there for her. Things like being there for a dinner party she’s planned, or picking her up after work, or even to help her out with something that you promised you’d do for her.

We’ve talked before about how romance is the little things you do to tell your wife that she’s important to you. Well, there are little things we do that tell her that she’s not so important; things that have the opposite effect of being romantic.

When we forget about those things, which are important to her, we’re sending the message, “this other thing is more important to me than you are.” It really doesn’t matter if you’re thinking that way or not, that’s the message you’re sending. I don’t care if it’s the fishing trip you’ve been planning for months, or a crisis at work, it shouldn’t be more important to you than your wife.

When we make commitments at our work, we feel bound to complete those commitments. Well, guess what? If those commitments are important, than the ones to our wives are equally as important. If we can’t treat them as being equally important, maybe we’d better reexamine our commitment to our marriage.

One of your wife’s emotional needs is the confidence that she can trust you to be faithful to her. That doesn’t just mean that you won’t be fooling around on the side, but also that you’ll be there for her when she needs you. She needs to know that she can depend upon you.

A Fantasy Date

2011-05-13T12:12:00.001-05:00

Everyone likes to fantasize a little bit, and just about everybody likes to pretend a little bit. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen the cartoon strip “Rose is Rose” but in it, Rose, the mother, has an imaginary alter-ego. While she’s a nice sweet wife and mother, her alter-ego has a mane of wild hair and looks like she belongs on the back of a Harley somewhere. This “bad Rose” crops up from time to time, when the real Rose feels a need to express herself beyond what is normal for her.

So, here’s the idea. Get together with your wife and make up a fantasy scenario for a first date. Maybe you’re a James Bond type of spy, and she’s your French contact. Or maybe you’re a pirate who’s captured a princess and you’re trying to woo her. Speaking of princess’, how about a white knight who’s rescued a princess from the evil Duke’s castle. Whatever. The crazier it sounds, the better it will probably end up being. Just remember, you both have to be someone else.

As part of your plan, figure out where you are going to meet, and under what circumstances. Don’t go overboard on the planning, as you want to have the opportunity to keep everything spontaneous. Dress differently and act the part you’re playing. Don’t worry if you get a few strange looks in the restaurant, those people don’t know you anyway.

Remember, this is your first date, so you don’t know each other. Part of the play acting is learning about each other, or at least learning about the character you’re pretending to be. You might have to think quick when she asks a question, or maybe integrate your own life into the character you’re playing.

Laughter is good for you and for your relationship; well, you’re probably going to end up laughing a lot a you do this, but that’s okay, when the laughing fit is over, go back to playing your part. Make it as outrageous as you want, after all, you’re trying to have a good time together. Finally, don’t let it end until you’re back home in bed together. Enjoy.

It’s Her Money Too

2011-05-11T09:25:00.001-05:00

You know, we can be a little bit funny when it comes to money. Actually, it’s not really funny; it’s more like sad; sad in the sense that we can have a huge double standard when it comes to spending that money. We complain about our wives spending money on clothes and things for the house, while we spend money on our hobbies.

One of the things that’s hard to realize when we get married is that everything that used to be mine is now ours. Okay, there are a few exceptions, like your toothbrush, most couples don’t share those. There’s probably a few things you have that your wife wouldn’t want to touch as well, like the tools you use for working on the car. You can pretty much claim those as still being yours. But, everything else switches from being yours (singular) to yours (plural).

That can actually be a little threatening to some people; especially when they have collectibles or other prized possessions that mean something to them, but don’t mean a thing to their spouse. Granted, throwing your high school wrestling trophy away isn’t real cool, but do you really need it to be on the living room mantle? You might be better off moving it to the den.

Money is another one of those areas that both husbands and wives have trouble sharing. Oh, they might have a joint checking account, but usually each of them has their own little stash. We guys call it “she money,” you know, she doesn’t know I’ve got it.

Granted, your budget should allow each of you to have some money that you can use for whatever you want. No matter what your income is, we all need a few bucks that we can use for our own desires, whether it is buying a cold drink, or buying a new pair of shoes.

That money isn’t really what I’m talking about, I’m talking about the money that’s in the checking account, or for that matter, the credit cards. That’s the money we tend to get upset about when our wives spend it. They don’t see anything wrong with buying another gun out of that money to add to their collection, but it sure bothers them when their wife buys a chair for the living room; or even worse, when she buys… clothes.

Okay, stop for a moment, take a deep breath, and relax. C’mon now, her buying clothes really isn’t all that bad. You want your wife to look pretty, don’t you? Well, she buys clothes to make her look pretty. It’s really not all that bad.

Unless we want perpetual high blood pressure, we’ve got to learn to stop thinking of that money as a personal possession, and start thinking of it as a family possession, or at least as something that belongs to the two of you. It really does. When you married her your checking account and credit cards were part of the deal. It doesn’t matter which one of you earns the most money, that money belongs to both of you.

So, since it belongs to her too, she has as much right to buy those clothes or that chair as you do to buy a new fishing pole. You may not think that the chair is important, but then again, she probably doesn’t think your fishing pole is. I’m sure of one thing though, the chair is important to her, so that makes it important.

Having a Disagreement? Walk it Out

2011-05-10T08:06:00.001-05:00

Disagreement is inevitable. Oh, when we’re dating we think differently, we think that everything will always be sweetness and light, but the reality is that no two people can live in close proximity without some sort of disagreement. Love covers a multitude of things, but it doesn’t force us to agree with everything that our marriage partner does.

Actually, there’s nothing wrong with disagreeing about something, the wrong comes in the way we deal with that disagreement. When disagreement turns to argument, anger and yelling, there’s a problem; not with the disagreement, but with us.

How we deal with disagreement shows a lot about how much we truly love that other person. If the disagreement causes anger and yelling, then whatever it is that we are disagreeing about is obviously more important to us than the person we are arguing with. Unfortunately, in the midst of those heated discussions, we often say things that we later regret.

The trick is in learning how to handle those disagreements in a way that is healthy for the marriage, instead of being destructive to the marriage. Fighting about them isn’t healthy, nor is avoiding them. What is healthy is discussing them, so that you can come to a point of agreement in how you are going to deal with that issue. Here are a few things you can try when that discussion is getting a little too passionate:

Take a five minute break to allow you both to cool off, and then come back to a more reasonable discussion.
Both of you write down your point of view, and then read each others. This can give you both the opportunity to think through your position on the issue and hopefully express it more clearly.
Agree to take turns expressing your point of view. In this, you don’t say anything until your partner finishes, then they allow you the same courtesy.
Take a walk while you discuss it. Most people are too embarrassed to argue in public, so this will help you to maintain your discussion on an even keel.
Agree to disagree. Hey, you don’t have to agree on everything. If one of you is Democrat and the other Republican, that’s okay. You don’t have to change the other person’s mind.
For those who are Christians, compare both of your points of view to the Bible; let that be the deciding factor for you.

Remember, your goal here isn’t to win, it’s to come to a reasonable understanding that both of you can be comfortable with. That may require some compromise and it may require some changes. Both are essentially healthy for your marriage. True love has no place for selfishness.

Show Your Appreciation

2011-05-05T09:42:00.000-05:00

Everyone likes to be appreciated; you like it, I like it, and I’m sure your wife likes it too. If fact, she probably likes it so much that she wants more of it, especially if you’ve fallen into the habit that many of us do, of not showing your appreciation to your wife.

It’s very easy to get to the point where we are taking the things around us for granted; that can include the most important people in our lives as well. We can become so used to the things that they do for us, that we forget that there’s a real person taking their time and energy to do that thing. It might be something where we’d say “thank you” to anyone else in the world that did it; but because it’s our wife, we forget. Ouch!

Let me ask you something, how would you feel if you spent Saturday afternoon working through the famous honey-do list, and when you got done, all your wife did was grunt at you? Wouldn’t you feel that her reaction was unfair or just plain wrong? Well, why should she feel any different?

I remember hearing a preacher tell about something he did, when he was learning this principle. His wife had made some nice hot soup for dinner. When he was done eating, he placed a dollar under his plate and got up to go to the living room. A few minutes later his wife walked in the living room with the dollar in her hand and asked, “What’s this?” He responded, “When I receive good service in a restaurant, I leave a tip to show my appreciation. You made me some wonderful soup and it was hot; I like my soup hot. I wanted to show you that I appreciate your work.”

I’m not suggesting that you get in the habit of leaving your wife a tip every time she does something for you; she’s not a servant, she’s your wife. However, that preacher obviously managed to get his message across to his wife, the message that he appreciated what she did for him.

Maybe the next time you buy flowers for your wife, you should put on the card, “Because I appreciate you.” Or, you could text her that message, or even send her a greeting card, with those words written inside. Somehow or other, you need to find a way to get in the habit of telling your wife that you appreciate her and what she does for you.

When we forget to show appreciation for something that has been done for us, we send the message, “You aren’t important to me.” Wait a minute! Isn’t that the opposite message that we’re trying to send with romance? Aren’t we trying to send the message, “You’re important to me”? So, if we consider that we get one point every time we send the romance message, then we have to realize that we lose one point every time we forget to say, “thank you.” No wonder some of us are running our love account in bankruptcy.

Maybe it feels a little bit strange to you to tell your wife “thank you” because she fixes dinner every day. So what? This isn’t supposed to be about how you feel, but about how you make her feel. If you feel a little bit uncomfortable about saying “thank you” I’ve got a word of advice for you; be a man, get over it.

Start Her a Collection

2011-05-04T09:41:00.000-05:00

Some women are extremely easy to buy for; while there are others who challenge the best of us. It’s not that they don’t like anything; it’s just hard to figure out what it is that they like. Even worse, what they like seems to be a moving target, so just because they like it one time, doesn’t mean they’ll like it the next.

It’s easy to get frustrated in a situation like that and just give up buying gifts for her. But, you know, that’s really not the answer. Giving up is just going to put distance between the two of you, when what you’re trying to do is draw her closer. You’ve got to find a way around that problem, so that you can still give her some type of small romantic gifts from time to time.

Here’s a simple solution for this problem; start her a collection. Many women collect something; generally speaking, something cute. It can be almost anything, just as long as it’s something that she likes. My dad started a Hummel figurine collection for my mom. I started a music box collection for my wife.

Don’t make cost your major deciding factor in your decision. If possible, pick something that gives you the flexibility to buy some inexpensive gifts and some more expensive ones. That way you can not only have more variety to choose from, but you can still buy a gift for your wife, even when you don’t have a whole lot of cash that you can afford to spend on it. Like any romantic gift, it’s not so much about how much you spend as it is about doing something for her.

Here are a few ideas that I’ve seen through the years:

Precious Moments figurines
Antique greeting cards
Teddy bears
Crystal figurines, small dishes, etc.
Music boxes
Hummel figurines
Glass cats or dogs (Fenton Glass)
Memorabilia that has to do with something she has in interest in
Disney characters
Decorative painted plates

Remember, the idea is to have something that speaks both to and about her personality. Starting a glass cat collection for a woman who doesn’t like cats, probably won’t work out too good. On the other hand, if her name is Kathy and she’s got four cats in the house, you’re probably on to a good thing.

What you’ve done by starting this collection is to make things easier for yourself, while at the same time, giving something nice to your wife. Now, whenever you have trouble coming up with a gift for her, you can always buy her something to add to her collection. Or, you can buy a collectible to go along with whatever other larger gift you buy for her. It’ll help make gift giving just that much more romantic.

Be Sensitive to Her Stress Level

2011-05-03T08:12:00.000-05:00

In case you haven’t noticed, men and women tend to handle stress differently. For us guys, a little stress is necessary to keep us moving; without it, we tend to become couch potatoes. On the other hand, our wives are much more greatly affected by stress, and affected in a very negative way.

While stress can cause health problems for both men and women, it seems to cause more for women. That could be simply because they are not very good at getting rid of stress on their own or it could just be part of the physiological difference between men and women. Regardless of the reason, we need to be sensitive to her stress level and do whatever we can to help reduce it.

One of the ways that women dissipate their stress is to talk about whatever it is that’s causing them problem. That’s why they tend to greet us at the door with a litany of all the problems they’ve had throughout the day. While it may sound to us like complaining, or like she’s trying to dump all her problems on us, so that we have to deal with it; in reality it’s nothing more than getting it off her heart. Allowing her to do that, even if we don’t come up with a solution or deal with the problem helps her.

The trick in dealing with that complaint list is to be like a duck; just like water runs off of a duck’s back, let all those words of complaint run right off of your back. You don’t have to accept them; you don’t have to come up with solutions and you don’t have to spend your evening fixing everything that’s broke.

So, what else can you do to help your wife deal with all that stress? How about finding something that takes her mind off of it? You’ve got to realize that those problems she’s talking about are real, or at least are real to her. That, in and of itself, makes it important. So, what does she like, which will take her mind off of those problems and maybe even put her mind on something positive? Here’s a few ideas:

Go for a walk together to enjoy the sunset.
Cook a crazy dinner together (whatever seems crazy enough to get a laugh out of the two of you)
Go out for ice cream (always a good idea)
Go to your favorite coffee shop (watch it though, coffee can increase stress)
Watch a movie together

It really doesn’t matter so much what you do, only that it be something that the two of you can enjoy together, to get both of your minds off of the problems of the day. That will help get rid of the stress for both of you.