A Little Gardening Perhaps?

It’s always great for your marriage to have activities that you enjoy doing together. Uhh, that means that you both have to enjoy it, and that you also have to enjoy doing it together. Granted, there are times when one marriage partner does something just to please the other; I don’t want to belittle that at all. Marriage occasionally requires those kinds of sacrifices.

There can also be things that you enjoy doing, but just don’t work out when you do them together. For many men, golf falls into this category (at least for those who play golf). I’ve talked to men who enjoy golf, but the presence of their wife and putting up with her different way of playing really adds a lot of stress to the game for them. Oh well, I guess they need to learn how to relax a bit. It’s just a game.

Anyway, we all know that women like flowers; at least, I hope we all know that by now. I’m not an expert on the subject, but rumor has it that springtime is the time to plant flowers. So, why not plant some flowers as a together type of project?

I’m sure your local nursery would have everything you need. If you take the initiative to mention the project, then your wife will naturally give you credit for it. I don’t recommend just running down there and buying everything you need, then surprising her with it. You’ll probably do better to take here with you, so she can pick out the flowers she’d like to have.

I guess I’d better warn you right now; there’s a good chance that she’s going to take your initiative and really run with it. What I mean by that is that she might turn your little flower bed idea into some major flower beds. Just be ready for that; don’t get frustrated, and don’t worry about getting done in time for the game. You’re taking time to be with your wife; that’s more important than the game.

The two romantic things you’re doing with this project, which will gain you points with your wife, are buying her flowers and doing a project together. Remember to lock frustration away somewhere, so it can’t show up while you’re working together. That could quickly destroy the points you are trying to make.

I must confess that this is a project I’ve never done with my wife. I have a problem with this type of project, because I have a certified brown thumb. In other words, if it’s supposed to be green, I can turn it brown. Mostly, that happens because I forget to water it. Let me just say that forgetting to water the flowers that you plant together isn’t a good idea. Not only will the flowers die, but you’ll lose whatever points you made by planting them.

So, grab some cold drinks along with your shovel, and make your wife happy by giving her some flower beds to enjoy. Not only will your house look good, but she’ll remember that you did it for her.

Watch Your Eyes

Many men think that they’ve got some sort of license to gawk at women, especially young good-looking ones. Marriage doesn’t seem to take this license away. You’ve probably heard one of your buddies or co-workers say, “Just because I’m married doesn’t mean I can’t look” at one time or another.

I’ve got to disagree with that statement on three points. First of all, while the looking probably isn’t all that bad, what kind of thoughts is he entertaining while he’s looking? I’m sure he’s not thinking about her intellect or her spirituality. No, he’s thinking about her body. Jesus made it very clear in Gospel of Matthew (Matt 5:28) that thinking lustfully about a woman is the same as committing adultery. But even if we leave the Bible out of it, how can anyone honestly say that looking at another woman, and thinking about having sex with her, is staying faithful to their wife?

The second disagreement I have with that statement is in how it will affect your attitude towards your wife. Looking at other women starts you making comparisons between them and your wife. I guarantee you; you can always find other women with bigger breasts, a smaller waist, nicer hair, a prettier face, or whatever than your wife. Hopefully you didn’t just fall in love with her for her looks, but even so, comparing her with others is going to give you a more negative attitude towards her.

Finally, I disagree with that statement because it can hurt your wife. Anything done intentionally, that has the ability to hurt another, can’t be done out of love. How would your wife feel if she was with you, while you were gawking at other women? Would she feel loved and cherished? Would she feel as if she’s important to you? I think not.

Granted, I realize as guys, our eyes are naturally drawn to women, especially women with good figures. That doesn’t mean that we have to keep looking at them though. Nor does it mean that we have to entertain all those sexual thoughts that just seem to pop into our heads.

I must confess, I have an advantage over most of you. When I go to the beach or a swimming pool, all I have to do is take off my glasses. Then, unless they get right in my face, I really can’t see well enough to tell if they have a great figure or not. Oh, I can still tell which ones are skinny and which ones are fat. I can tell which ones have on a two piece bathing suit; but, I really can’t see them as well as some of me would like.

I’ve found another couple of tricks that help me out on this. First of all, I’ve explained to my wife how men are visually stimulated and that the most beautiful thing to a man is a naked woman. Since she understands my struggle (at least to some extent) she is able to help me.

One way that my wife helps me is to make sure I see her. In other words, she dresses in a way to attract my eye, so that my eye isn’t attracted to other women as easily. Many years ago, we had a symbolic nightgown burning, where we got rid of all her long flannel night gowns and sweat suits. Now, maybe you like to see your wife dressed like that, but I don’t. So, she dresses in a way that attracts me, both in the bedroom and out.

The second way my wife helps me is to protect me from those other women. Let me give you an example. Once when we were at a swimming pool with our kids, this woman walked into my field of vision in a hot pink bikini. Where she was standing was about 10 feet behind my wife, so I couldn’t look at my wife, without seeing her. So, we changed places; then my wife had to look at her, instead of me.

Finally, I have found it very helpful to be honest with my wife about these issues. It is a protection to my mind and heart when I let her know if there are other women who are accidentally or intentionally drawing my attention. Back in my engineering days, I had a clerk at the office who seemed like she was really trying to get my attention, so I told my wife. Another time, a woman at work came up behind me at a desk and started rubbing her breasts on my shoulder, not only did I get out of there quickly, but I told my wife.

Just the simple act of letting her know about those things eliminates their destructive power. No longer can those things be used against me, nor will my mind linger on them. I can then focus on my wife that much more.

It’s important to let your wife know that she is the only woman for you. Many women are insecure and will wonder if you are looking at others, thinking about others, or even doing things with others. Letting her know that your eyes and your hands are only on her will help her feel secure in your marriage relationship. Without that security, she can’t feel loved.

Take Care of Her

It seems there’s something that happens to women when they have a baby. All of a sudden, they stop worrying about themselves, and concentrate on the baby’s needs. Money they would have spent on themselves before isn’t spent, or at least isn’t spent for the same things. No, instead of spending that money on themselves, they spend it on things for the baby.

While there can definitely be an upside to this, especially with women who think that the mall is their natural habitat, some women take it to extremes. While most of us guys would agree that women spend too much money on clothing, they do need to spend something. If she’s still wearing the same granny panties that are falling apart, just because she’s trying to spend the money on the baby, that’s going too far.

It can be even worse than that. What if she needs to go to the dentist, but isn’t, because of the baby? While her concern for the needs of the baby is admirable, I’d definitely say that in those cases, she’s going too far.

This phenomenon doesn’t just last a year to two either; it can last until the baby is out of college and married. Granted, not all women go through this, or go through it to such severity. Women who have plenty of money are much less likely to do this than women who barely have enough.

Okay, so what’s the point of all this? Good question. This is where we need to come into the picture. We need to keep an eye on our wives; specifically how well they are taking care of themselves. If we see that they aren’t, we need to start probing for the reason why they are acting the way that they are. There’s a good chance that they’re concerned about money, and are trying to avoid spending money on themselves.

Don’t think that just because your wife still buys clothes or shoes that she’s immune to this condition. Women see things differently than we do. She may be seeing that new pair of shoes as a high priority, because she doesn’t have anything to go with her new dress. At the same time, she may not spend the money on getting a cavity filled.

Don’t try and understand it, just realize that women are wired a little bit differently. If she’s not putting the priority she should on taking care of herself, you need to step in and take care of her. If that means going out and buying her some new panties, do it. If it means buying her medications, because she isn’t, do it. If it means dragging her to the dentist for that tooth that’s been bothering her for the last six months, do it.

Remember, romance is about showing her that she’s important to you. What better way to show her that, than by taking care of her when she won’t take care of herself?

A Public Declaration

Have you ever felt like you wanted to shout your love from the mountaintops? You know, just like in some movie, where the crazy young man climbs up on a statue in the park, just so he can shout to the whole world that he loves his girl friend. Or, he rents a billboard, right outside her office window to declare his love. Or, even the guy who grabs the public address system at the game, so he can tell everyone he loves his girl.

Okay, so these may sound a little extreme; but Hollywood is about extremes. Everything they do is “bigger than life.” It has to be; who’d want to watch a movie about some guy doing his humdrum work in a factory and going home to his humdrum dinner, after which he watches television and goes to bed. Nothing to hold the interest for very long in that movie.

There’s nothing that says that an occasional extreme isn’t good for the soul; at least some kinds of extremes. Some people go white water rafting to get their extreme, or skydiving, or bungee jumping. While I’m not into those things, if it works for them, more power to them.

Let’s get back to extreme declarations of love. We look at those guys in the movies and think they’re crazy. We might be a little jealous of them too, but mostly we think they’re crazy. So what? What’s wrong with being a little crazy once in a while, especially if that moment’s craziness lets our wife know of our love?

I don’t know of a woman in the world who wouldn’t be thrilled to have her husband publicly declare his love for her. Oh, she might be a little bit embarrassed too, but that won’t stop her from being thrilled. So, how can you do it?

To start off, you’ve got to pick your place. Where is there a somewhat crowded place that you could take your wife to? It needs to be someplace where she wouldn’t be suspicious, maybe even someplace that you go to regularly. Go there, and sometime during the course of the time you are there, climb up on a chair or something and ask for everyone’s attention. You’ll probably have to yell to get their attention, but that’s okay, just as long as you don’t yell like you’re angry.

Once you have their attention, tell everyone you have an announcement to make. Your announcement is something like this: “I just want everyone to know that I love this wonderful woman that I’m married to. Thank you for your time.”

Climb down from your podium and give your wife a hug and a kiss. I wouldn’t be all that surprised if you got a round of applause for your efforts. You’ll definitely get one in her heart and that’s what it’s all about.

Putting Her First

America, the land of looking out for number one; what a place to live. You know, while there are times when looking out for number one might be valuable, marriage isn’t one of them. If we’re busy looking out for number one in our marriages, it’s assured that we’re not looking out for the best interests of our wives.

Love is always giving, not taking. So, by its very nature it goes strongly against that great American attitude of looking out for number one. In fact, love is the direct opposite of that attitude.

It is easy to think about yourself, grab the best and be the one who wins, but that isn’t what marriage is about. No, in marriage, a true win is when you both win. Anything else is treating her as someone less than she deserves to be treated; someone who is just there for your convenience, a chattel, a piece of property; but not the wife that you love.

How do we do this? Here are a few examples:

• Grabbing the biggest slice of cake.
• Going through the door first; instead of holding it open for her.
• Leaving her to clean up the mess, while we go watch the game or take a nap.
• Not doing something we don’t want to, so she ends up stuck with it.
• Having to be “right.”

Being romantic goes beyond buying flowers and saying “I love you” to our wives; it’s an attitude, a way of life. If we are going to put all this effort into being romantic husbands, we need to make sure that we don’t undo our own work. Many men find it easy to be romantic for a moment, and then go back to being self-centered grabbers, just trying to get what they can for themselves. That definitely isn’t romantic.

If you’re going to be romantic for a moment, you need to become romantic for the long haul as well. Buying flowers, but treating your wife roughly isn’t going to work. Nor is grabbing the last chocolate candy, but trying to make up for it by saying “I love you.”

Let’s go back and review our original definition of romance. When I started this blog, I used the definition, “Romance is the little things you do to show your wife that she’s important to you.” That definition hasn’t changed. So, if we grab that last chocolate, are we letting her know that she’s important, or are we saying “I’m more important?”

That’s the problem. We’ve all grown up in a society that teaches us to “look out for number one.” Well, that doesn’t work in marriage, unless you take yourself off of that pedestal, and put her up there. Then, looking out for number one is really looking out for her.

I’ve got one even better than that, though. Since the idea is to build up your marriage, why not put the two of you on that pedestal, together. Whatever you do must build up the marriage. Yes, at times that means sacrificing yourself for the benefit of your wife. Just make sure that the ways you are sacrificing aren’t going to end up making you bitter towards her.

Don’t expect her to sacrifice herself for you. Doing that is just another way of looking out for number one. On the other hand, when you aren’t expecting it, and she does so, you really appreciate what she’s doing for you.

Going back to those little things; things grabbing the last chocolate, going through the door first or getting the bigger piece of cake. Are those things really all that important? No, they’re not. But, the attitude behind them is. When you have an attitude of putting her first in those things, it shows her that you truly value her; not just for the moment of that romantic act, but all the time. That’s truly being romantic.

Be Her Protector

I’m sure you’ve noticed that men and woman are wired differently. Things that seem like no big deal to us can be a really big deal to our wives. At the same time, things that we think are important don’t mean a thing to them.

One of the reasons for the differences in characteristics we see between men and women is so that men can be the protector of their home. Physical strength, aggressiveness and the tendency to respond to danger with violence are all wonderful character traits, when they are focused on protecting family.

Granted, we don’t have too many dragons and saber tooth tigers prowling our backyards today, but that doesn’t mean that there is nothing around to protect your wife from. You can still be her hero, battling against the wild creatures that invade your home.

Wild creatures? Yep, I’m sure you’ve confronted them before; all those spiders and mosquitoes and even the occasional cockroach that invade your home. Last I checked most women freak out just about as much from them as they do from dragons and saber tooth tigers. It’s enough to make you wonder if those horrendous beasts are really as dangerous as the ones the cave men battled.

No matter, those dangers are real in your wife’s mind. So, when you take care of those things for your wife, it’s almost the same to her as if you’d just slain a dragon. She can relax, knowing her protector is there, watching over her and the children. Maybe it’s not much to you, but it is to her.

So, slain any dragons lately?

Don’t Forget to Play with the Kids

What? Play with the kids? How is that being romantic? I thought this blog was about my relationship with my wife?

In his book, “His Needs, Her Needs” Willard Harley, Jr. mentions that one of a woman’s emotional needs in the marriage is to know that her husband is committed to the family. Stated more specifically, she needs to know that he will be a good father to her children.

What makes a man a good father? Actually, there are a lot of things that can be included in that answer; everything from being a good provider to being a disciplinarian to being a good example to, yes, playing with the kids. I’d have to say, if a man doesn’t spend more time playing with his children more than he does disciplining them, he’s missing out on a lot of what it takes to be a daddy.

You have to realize that the most important things to your wife are the people around her. Women are relational, so anything that touches someone around them touches them as well. That’s why women react so strongly to anything they perceive as a threat to their children. They “feel” that threat in a much more personal way than we do as men.

They also “feel” the positive things that are done for those around them. If one of your kids wins a trophy for something, your wife will feel as proud as if she had won it herself. If they win a raffle, you’d think from her reaction, that she was the one who won it.

So, when you play with the kiddies, you’re showing your wife that you are committed to them and to the family. You're letting her know that what's important to her is also important to you. That gives her security and makes her feel good. It is as if you’d done something just for her. Besides, it’s fun to play with the kids. So, have a good time, and don’t forget to give your wife a hug and a kiss afterwards.