Never Lose the “Wow” Factor

Do you remember the first time you saw your wife? C’mon, dredge up those old memories; it’s in there somewhere. There must have been something about her that caught your attention; something that made you go “wow.” Right? You probably wouldn’t have gotten to know her if you hadn’t gone “wow” at some point.

Well, what ever happened to that “wow” factor anyway? Do you still go “wow” when you look at your wife, or is your reaction to her more negative than that? It’s important that we watch out for those reactions, because they can gradually get negative if we let them.

You see, we control our reactions to things around us. We may not be able to control what comes our way, but we can definitely control how we react. For example, there’s a group of us sitting around, complaining about our wives (actually, the women do this more than we do). In the midst of this, I pick up my water glass, and throw it on the guy sitting across from me. He might jump to his feet, yelling, “You made me wet and made me mad.”

In reality, all I did was make him wet. He decided all on his own that he would get mad at me. Granted, you might say that I gave him a reason to get mad at me, but it was still his decision. In fact, he could have made that decision, even if I didn’t give him a reason.

So, how you react to your wife is truly up to you. If you still go “wow” when you see her, it’s because you’ve decided to react to her that way. On the other hand, if you go “oh no” when you see her, it’s because you’ve decided that’s the way you want to react to her. Once again, it’s all up to you.

What kind of reaction have you decided to have to your wife? Is it positive, or negative? If it’s negative, you can’t blame anyone but yourself. The good news is, you can decide to change how you think about her. All you have to do to get that “wow factor” back, is decide you want it back; then you’ll start looking for things to say “wow” about. You won’t have to make yourself do it, it’ll happen on it’s own.

So, how’s your “wow” factor now?

Don’t Take it out on Her

You know, life is full of frustrations. Frustrations at work; frustrations with the kids; financial frustrations; frustration with the car, when it breaks down; even frustration when your team loses the ball game. It’s a given that you can’t get through the average week, without a nice assortment of frustrations coming to pay you a visit.

It’s not just frustrations either. Life is full of other negative emotions; anger, hurt, worry, even fear (although us guys aren’t all that good at admitting it when fear pays us a visit). All in all, we have plenty of opportunity to feel negative emotions and express them.

By comparison, it doesn’t seem like there’s really all that much out there that’s trying to make us happy. It’s almost like happiness tries to hide from us, teasing us every once in a while, but not really letting us know it’s there.

The question is, what do you do with all those negative emotions when they come along? How do you deal with them, so that they don’t become destructive to you and to those around you?

There’s an old saying that goes, “You only hurt the ones you love.” I’m sure you’ve run across it sometime. You’ve probably had a chance to reflect on it, sometime when you had just done something to hurt those around you. Why is it that we hurt them? Why do we end up taking all those negative feelings out on them, instead of dealing with them in a healthier manner?

A large part of the answer to that question is that we don’t deal with the negative emotions; most especially, we don’t deal with the people and things that cause them for us. If the boss does something to upset us, we typically don’t tell him. Instead, we bottle it up inside, waiting for a chance to let it out. Usually, the first “safe” opportunity to let it out is at home, where it ends up directed at… you got it, our wives. So, instead of saying what we want to our boss, we say what we don’t want to our wives, and end up hurting them.

Granted, as guys, we’re not all that into “getting in touch with our feelings.” But, I’ll have to say that we need a little bit more awareness than what we normally show. If you’re upset about something, you at least need to know that you’re upset. The next thought needs to be “I’m dangerous to be around right now.” That way, the explosion which hurts your wife won’t come unexpectedly.

Now, if you’re aware of your anger or frustration, you can start to do something positive about it. I’d recommend starting by letting your wife and kids know that you are dangerous to be around. Then, go shoot some hoops, run a few miles, or pump some iron. Something to help you burn off all that extra energy that the anger has caused in you. That will take you from having a short-burning fuse to at least a longer-burning one.

Once you’ve burned off enough energy to cool off a bit, you’re ready to start dealing with the problem in a more rational way, acting like an adult, instead of like an overgrown adolescent. We all know that adolescents can’t control themselves, but as men, we should be able to.

Now that you can talk rationally, let your wife know what happened, make some intelligent decisions about how to deal with it, and get ready to go on with your life.

That’s a whole lot better than jumping all over your wife, just because somebody or something jumped all over you. By learning to react in this way, you’ll eliminate any reason your wife has for fearing you and show her that you are concerned about her feelings and protecting her from being hurt. That may not be romantic, but then again, it means that when you buy her flowers, it won’t be to apologize, it’ll be to tell her you love her.

Never Forget to Tell Her She’s Beautiful

I’d like to take a moment to tie together some things I’ve said in a couple of recent postings; two separate but interrelated points, that we need to make sure we deal with properly. The first point was about how women all want to be beautiful. I mentioned that in the post on “If it’s important to her.” The second point was from last month, in the post on “Overcoming her negativity.”

Let me ask you a question, back when you fell in love with your wife, how important was it to you that your wife was beautiful to you? According to Willard Harley’s book, “His Needs, Her Needs” her being attractive is the third biggest need that you, as a man, have in your marriage. So, don’t try and tell me that you married her just because she was charming and witty, or because she had such a marvelous brain, a strong part of the reason that you married her was because you thought she was hot.

Hopefully, the years haven’t diminished that opinion. If they have, you might want to look for the reason why your opinion has changed. Don’t try and blame it all on her, either. If you spend a lot of time looking at other women, especially younger thinner women, you’re probably going to have trouble maintaining the thought that your wife is beautiful. This problem can only get worse if you’re looking at pornography.

My wife and I have been married for 25 years now, and I still think she’s beautiful. She can still turn me on just as much now as she could when we were younger. Oh, I recognize that her body isn’t the same as it was back then, nor is her hair color exactly the same, and she might have a wrinkle or two, although I really don’t notice them. But, you know what? I’m not that lean young guy that she married either. My hair can’t seem to make up its mind whether it’s black or grey, and my spare tire seems to have grown its own spare.

 

Just because my wife isn’t as young as she once was, doesn’t make her any less beautiful to me. It would if I was preoccupied with other women, but I make a point of not doing that. Fortunately for me, I don’t have to spend a lot of time around young, slim women.

It’s not enough for me to think that my wife is beautiful; I have to constantly make sure that she knows that I think she’s beautiful. That’s the point I want to make here. She needs you to build her self-esteem up, by telling her how beautiful she is. If there’s some part that you don’t particularly find attractive, overlook it and concentrate on the parts that you think are attractive.

Have you ever read the Song of Solomon in the Bible? There are whole sections, like chapter 4, where he’s telling her how beautiful he thinks she is. He describes various parts of her body, comparing them to other things which are considered to be beautiful.

Does your wife have beautiful breasts? Tell her so. Does her hair stand out as being especially wonderful to you? Make sure she knows that. What about her eyes, do you still feel like you’re going to fall in, when you look her in the eyes? Well, go ahead and fall in, just tell her about the experience. Do her lips draw you close, begging to be kissed? Make sure you explain how you can’t resist kissing her; then follow it up with a long, passionate kiss.

Your wife needs to know that you think she’s beautiful. You really can’t tell her that enough times, let alone too many times. She doesn’t think that she is. She looks around at other women and compares herself to them constantly. Unfortunately, in her eyes, she always comes up short.

When was the last time that you told her she was was beautiful? Has it been more than 15 minutes? If it has, that’s too long; it’s time to tell her again. I’ll guarantee you, she won’t get tired of hearing it.

Chick Flicks

I’ve come to the conclusion that there are four basic types of movies in the world:

• Chick flicks, otherwise known as estrogen flicks
• Action movies, otherwise known as testosterone flicks
• Comedies, which are neutral
• Kids movies, especially cartoons

Maybe there’s one or two others that have been produced throughout the history of Hollywood, that don’t fit in one of those three categories, but they’re really, really rare.

If you’re like most couples, you always have a hard time determining what kind of movie you’re going to go see. You want one thing, she wants another, and never the twain shall meet, right? Or, if you do meet, it’s in category four, and you go see something for the kids. I don’t know about you, but I like lots of those kids’ movies.

Okay, so here we are on a blog that’s talking about what? Oh, yeah, being romantic. Well, tell me, what’s romantic about an action movie? For that matter, what’s romantic about trying to get your wife to go to that action movie, when she’d really rather go to a chick flick?

There’s one very important major theme in all chick flicks. Do you know what it is? They’re romantic. Maybe that’s why we guys don’t get all that excited about them; we’re not really into romance. But, our wives are. If we’re going to be loving and romantic towards them, doesn’t it make sense to go to a movie they’d like? Besides, there are definite fringe benefits in going to a chick flick; namely in that she feels romantic afterwards.

We’ve got some friends that try and get away for a weekend together, without kids, every once in a while. When they do, they always go to two movies; one that she picks and one that he does. That way, they both get to see something they like and they get to be with each other, while the other one is getting to see something they like. Sounds like a good compromise to me.

Oh, and, don't forget the popcorn.

If it’s Important to Her…

Have you ever noticed how women’s priorities are vastly different than ours? You know, sometimes it seems like anything that’s important to us as guys is unimportant to them as women. Of course, that means that whatever is important to us appears to be unimportant to them. It really isn’t that way, of course, but it sure seems that way, at times.

Take going to the beauty salon, for example. Most of us can’t understand that amount of time a woman can spend having her hair fussed with, and her nails done, even getting a pedicure. But, wait a minute, don’t you want your wife to look beautiful? Aren’t you attracted to her, for how she looks? Would she even be your wife, if you didn’t think she was good looking? The reality is that her preoccupation with her looks is a very important part of maintaining your marriage healthy.

How about the other side of the coin? Are there things that you are interested in, which she isn’t, but are important to your marriage? You bet; maybe not everything, but some of your interests benefit the marriage as well.

So, where am I going with all this? Simple; if something is important to her, there’s probably a good reason for it to be important. Why it’s important may not be obvious; in fact, it may not be understandable to you as a guy, but that doesn’t mean it’s not important. If it’s important to her, you should treat it as if it’s important.

That means you don’t ridicule her for it, ignore it, or pretend that it doesn’t exist. Many times, our wives will ask us to do something, because it’s important to them; you know, the famous “honey-do list.” Well, that list exists because she thinks those things are important. The longer you wait to do those things the less important she thinks she is in your eyes.

Did you get that last sentence, that’s important. When we ignore those things which are important to our wives, we send them a message that they aren’t important; not the things, but our wife. Ouch!

On the other hand, when we take care of those things which she thinks is important, we show her that we value her and what is important to her. That’s the kind of message we want to send. So, next time she asks you to do something, don’t ignore it, don’t put it on the bottom of your list, simply do it.

Wake Her up to some Java

There are those of us for whom getting up in the morning is just another part of life. Then there are those for whom getting up in the morning is a major event, one of the great tragedies of life. Which one are you? Even more importantly, which one is your wife?

If it happens to be that you’re the one who wakes up first in your home, it offers you a great opportunity to start the day out with romance. Waking your wife up in a romantic manner is a great way to start your day; or should I say, to start her day.

Granted, being woken up may not seem very romantic, in fact it might even seem like cruel treatment to some. But that cruelty can easily be mitigated by doing something to show her that you think she’s special. All it takes is going that little extra mile; literally.

Do you and your wife have a favorite coffee shop? Is there a special coffee drink that she likes, or that she always orders? Well, set your alarm clock an extra 15 minutes early, get out of bed, and go get her one. Simple, right? She’ll still have to get up that morning, but at least she’ll get up to a nice cup of coffee. Better yet, she’ll get up knowing that you love her enough to make the effort of going out to get that coffee for her.

Of course, there are those women who don’t like coffee. They’re rare, but they are out there. So, what do you do if you’re married to one of them? Adapt! My wife can’t stand coffee, and is maybe 5% better than that on tea (she’ll have tea only when she has a sore throat, and then there’s more honey than tea). Running out to get a coffee for my wife would be a waste of time; but she likes hot chocolate! I can do the same thing, just change the coffee for hot chocolate.

If you really want to make her coffee special; pick up a rose at the grocery store on your way to the coffee house. Then you can present the coffee and rose together on a serving tray, or attach the rose to her coffee cup with tape. Even if she doesn’t get the message with the coffee (very doubtful), she’ll get it with the flower.

Gift Her Some Music

I’m sure you’re aware how music can affect someone’s mood. That’s such common knowledge that they even call background music in a restaurant or other public place, “mood music.” Mood music differs from elevator music or Muzak in that at least it’s worth listening to. I’m pretty sure elevator music is intended to just bore you. Even gyms use music; if you go to a gym to work out, they’ve got very energetic, fast paced music, with a clear beat playing, to help you exercise.

Okay, so how does that apply to our marriages? Music has been used for a long time to positively affect people’s thoughts and emotions. As we all know, our wives are emotional beings, so there ought to be some way to make a positive connection between music and our wives.

Most people have a favorite type of music; what’s your wife’s? Is it something upbeat and cheery? Is it dramatic? Is it mournful and depressing? You know, there are some types of music that definitely don’t help the emotions. Jazz Blues doesn’t seem much like music to cheer somebody up, more like something to make them melancholy. Or, what about Country-Western? I can’t see how anyone’s emotions can be lifted up by hearing about how one more Dime-store Cowboy lost his wife and dog on the same day that his pickup truck broke down.

As Christians, my wife and I find that praise and worship music lifts our spirits and our emotions. That’s not the kind of Christian music that usually comes out of the radio; we’ve got to look for it ourselves. But, we’ve built a pretty good collection through the years.

We all know that there are times when our wives need some sort of a pick-me-up. Well, music can do that for her. What we need is the wisdom to put the music on for her in those times. We need to buy her music that will help her, make sure it’s available, and at times, turn on the stereo so she can hear it.

You could even go one step further and buy her an iPod for that music. Most people like to have music when they work, so help her have some music while she’s working. Invest a little in a gift to lift her emotions.