Watch What You Say

Do you remember that saying we used to have when we were kids, “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but names will never hurt me”? I’m sure you do. It was used whenever someone said something mean to another, as a way of showing that it didn’t really bother them. Of course, it actually did bother them, but they tried to pretend that it didn’t.

I’m not really sure where that little ditty came from, but I don’t think there was ever a bigger lie told in the history of mankind. Not even politicians can beat that one, and most of them are really good liars. The thing is, the injuries from sticks and stones may break bones, but bones heal pretty well. On the other hand, names, or other cruel words, can cause wounds that last a lifetime.

Our words are much more powerful weapons than anything else we can use. Unfortunately, they are weapons which are often used without restraint, without forethought and without consideration of their effect. How many times do we say things that later we wish we could take back?

You are probably still carrying wounds from things that people have said to you. You may even be carrying wounds from things that your wife has said to you. Often, in the midst of a heated discussion things are said that shouldn’t be; things that may not even be true, may not be what the person thinks most of the time, but at that moment, they pierce right through the recipient, leaving a festering sore for the rest of their life.

When we were dating our wives, we were careful with our words, at least, most of us were. We didn’t want to say anything to offend her or hurt her. We definitely didn’t want to say anything that would make her leave us, whatever we did. Yet, somewhere along the line, it seems that we lose that concern. Perhaps it’s something that gets lost through the various heated discussions that most couples have. Perhaps it’s something that comes from becoming comfortable around her. Regardless of the reason, it happens, and we’d all be better off if it didn’t.

Think about it. If you love your wife, why in the world would you ever want to say something to hurt her? Nevertheless, we all seem to manage to do so, often without even realizing what we’re saying.

That right there is the key. We need to become more aware of what we are saying and the potential impact of those words. Most marital offense comes from misunderstandings. However, being a misunderstanding doesn’t make the offense any less real. It’s quite real, and quite painful. The trick is to avoid saying those things. How? By paying more attention to what we say. If we engage the brain before opening the mouth, we’re much more likely to avoid saying those sorts of things.

Remember, women are wooed by our words, not by our looks. If you want your wife to love you, you’ve got to use words to capture her heart. Words can be positive or negative and it seems that one negative word can undo the work of 100 positive ones. So, watch out for those negative ones. Put a guard upon your lips and check each thing you are going to say, before saying it.

Whatever you do, don’t say the first thing that comes to your minds. All too often, that’s the worst thing we can say. In fact, that’s where most of the hurtful sarcasm, biting comments and put-downs come from. If we can just take that second to review what we are going to say, before we say it, then we can trap those things which will hurt our wives, even before they leave our mouths.

Don’t Take it Personal

That old saying we learned as kids, of “sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me,” has got to be one of the biggest lies ever concocted. At least the wounds created by sticks and stones will heal fairly quickly, but the wounds of words can last a lifetime. Many people’s lives have been ruined, to one degree or another, by the words that others spoke to them.

That’s why it’s important that we are careful about the words we speak, especially those words that come out when we’re angry, irritated or frustrated. All too often in those moments, we say things that later we wish we could take back. Yet, those words never seem to go away. We may say we’re sorry, we may try and make amends, but we can never make erase those words, once spoken.

Part of what makes those words so powerful is the intensity with which they are said. Let’s say that you’re having an argument with your wife, and in the midst of it you blurt out, “I can’t stand you when you’re like that.” Those words are going to go right to the center of your wife’s being, cutting all the way. She won’t hear it as there’s something that she does which bothers you. What she’ll hear is, “I can’t stand you.” That’s the painful, destructive memory which will burn into her heart.

After that, it doesn’t matter how many times you tell her you love her, the overpowering memory will be that you can’t stand her. The intensity of those words, spoken in the passion of a momentary loss of self-control, will be with her forever. No matter how hard you try, they can’t be erased.

I’m not saying that we’re the only ones who say destructive things like that; women do it too. I’d say that men and women are equally skilled at saying destructive things to each other, causing the same types of hurts. However, I think they typically have a greater impact on the women, because they are more emotionally oriented.

There is one important difference between men and women, when it comes to this type of negative communication. That is, women will express generalities in a way that makes it seem like it’s their husband’s fault. They turn the general into something personal. For example, if a woman is feeling unloved, regardless of the reason, she’ll express it as “You don’t love me.” Or, another case might be where she feels frustrated about something, say something at work, and jumps on you for something that you do which is frustrating to her.

Here’s where we can make a difference in this problem. That is, don’t take it personally. Just because your wife is expressing frustration at you or saying that you never take her out anyplace, doesn’t really mean that she thinks that. It means that she is feeling that way at that moment, nothing more.

If you have a business dinner in a fancy restaurant, which your wife has been wanting to go to, there’s a pretty good chance that she’ll say that you never take her out. You might be confused, thinking of the weekly date night which you’ve been doing for the last year. But, she’s not really saying that you never take her out at all, she’s saying that she feels jealous of your opportunity to go to that restaurant, because she wants to go there.

So, how to you deal with this? The first step is to realize that even though she’s directing it at you, she’s not talking about you. Then, forgive her. You don’t have to do that to her face, but you do have to do it. Finally, try and figure out what the true message is behind what she’s saying.

I realize that decoding “woman speak” is an almost impossible challenge. They have meanings for words and ways of putting ideas together that no man can fathom. Nevertheless, we can at least get some clues about what it is that’s motivating them to say what they are saying. When they say something negative, out of frustration, there’s always something behind it. Look beyond the words, to see where she might be hurting. That gives you a clue in how to love your wife better.

Not Yet Spring Cleaning

Well, here we are, at the end of January, the month of making resolutions… and breaking them. I won’t ask how you’re doing with yours, that’s between you and the gate post. But, I will tell you that I’m doing great with mine, mostly because I didn’t make any. Okay, so now that making and breaking resolutions is over with, maybe we can move on to bigger things.

I always look at January as a month of reflection over the year that just went by and a preparation for the year that’s just beginning. One of the things I try to look at is how I’ve grown in the last year. No, I don’t mean grown in height, nor in girth either. Actually, I’m finally losing a bit of the girth part. What I’m talking about is growth in my spirit, soul and character. Am I a better person today, than I was a year ago?

Another thing that I think is really important in January is to do some housecleaning. I’m not talking about the type that requires a feather duster and broom, but the type that takes place in the heart and mind. It’s helpful to get rid of the old garbage in our hearts and minds, so that we don’t drag last year’s problems into this year.

Often, we find ourselves carrying emotional baggage around for years. A misspoken word in anger or frustration becomes an offense that is carried around like a ball and chain. It never seems to go away, but constantly irritates, like a rash that won’t heal. This is the type of baggage we need to get rid of.

It’s impossible to live in close proximity with another person without having hurts and offenses happen. That’s a fact of life and as long as we are imperfect humans, that problem will continue. However, we don’t have to hang on to those hurts and offenses. They might come on their own, but we decide when and where we get rid of them.

Part of my beginning of the year review is to seek out any of these things, which I might have buried in the deep recesses of my heart. Entering into the new year with them just guarantees that the problem will perpetuate, not that it will be resolved. When I find them, I forgive the person; not to their face, just where I am. They don’t need to know I’m forgiving them, and probably don’t remember the offense. Better to let that sleeping dog lie and just take care of my problem by forgiving them.

If I hold something in my heart against my wife, there is no way that I can act with love towards her. Oh, I might be able to pretend to act in love, even to the point of doing some loving actions, but I won’t be acting in pure, total love. Why? Because I won’t have that pure total love that I need to have for her.

But, when I forgive her, I am set free. As such, I can give my wife all my love, unhampered, pure and whole. That’s what she deserves from me; just because she’s mine.

You see, every time I do this “not yet spring housecleaning” I give our marriage a chance to start all over again. Since there’s nothing negative in my heart, I can concentrate on her positive qualities. I can love her for being who she is, not be irritated at her for not being who she isn’t. I can overlook things, love her in spite of those little quirks that we all have, and most importantly, be the husband that I need to be. What about you?

Oh, one more little thing. Once you’ve done your housecleaning, how about helping her do hers? Don’t try and teach her how to do it, just go to her and ask her forgiveness for anything you’ve done in the last year, which has either hurt or offended her. Let her make that decision to forgive, so that her heart can be clean as well.