Hear Her Out

Two of the biggest complaints that women have about their husbands involve communication. The first of these is that we don’t spend enough time talking to them. The second one is that we don’t listen to what they say. In defense of men, I have to say that women aren’t any better at listening to their husbands than men are in listening to their wives; nevertheless, the complaint persists, and with reason.

Most men take the words “we have to talk” as being some of the most dangerous words their wife can say. That’s because women don’t use that key phrase, unless they have something major to say. “Something major” usually ends up being an attack on their husband in one way or another.

So, how do we, as men, handle that? Most of the time, by avoidance. Yes, we’re pretty good at avoiding any sort of verbal confrontation with our wives; probably because they are more verbally agile than we are, and have the ability to chop us up in little pieces with their tongues. Nevertheless, avoidance really doesn’t solve anything, all it does is prolong the problem, allowing it to grow.

Then, when we finally do sit down with them to let them get whatever it is off their chest, we have a tendency to get angry or frustrated and storm off, ending the conversation before she’s done. Once again, this provides the same results; that of not allowing her to say what she needs to say.

We have to realize that women need to talk for the purpose of getting things off their chest, more than for the purpose of getting resolution to the problem. A woman who is complaining about her marriage isn’t necessarily looking for a solution; the fact of talking about it is therapeutic in itself. However, this doesn’t mean that we should never take what they say seriously. Often, hidden within the great volume of words they use to complain, there are some facts that we really need to pay attention to.

Unfortunately, finding those facts requires really listening to what they say. I say unfortunately, because often times in those serious discussions, they say a lot of destructive things. So, to hear the important stuff, we have to suffer through allowing them to chew us up and spit us out.

Okay, so how do we do this? The biggest secret is to not take it personally. I know that’s almost impossible, but many women reflect problems in their lives onto their husbands. Their boss doesn’t hear them at work, so they say that their husband doesn’t hear them. They think they’re fat or ugly (almost all women think this) so they say that their husband thinks they are fat or ugly. They think that they’re not good lovers, so they say that their husband’s sexual expectations are too high. The list goes on and on.

Remember, the world is constantly telling her that she’s not good enough. Advertising is aimed at making her dissatisfied with herself, so that she’ll buy products which make her “better.” She feels that she has to complete with every Hollywood starlet, Playboy centerfold and supermodel to be considered “adequate.” While that isn’t true to us as husbands, that’s the message she’s receiving. Many times, the message she’s giving us is coming from those other messages she’s receiving.

So, in addition to not taking it personally, or maybe to help in not taking it personally, try to figure out where she’s really coming from. While that can be really challenging, it’s necessary nevertheless. That’s where we find the facts that we need to.

At the same time, we have to realize that none of us is perfect. Some of what she complains about may be legitimate complaints about how we aren’t meeting our obligations as men. If she complains about some part of the house being in disrepair, we should take it seriously; after all, that’s part of our responsibility. No, we don’t have to jump up from the conversation to immediately fix that thing, but we should put it on our to-do list and make sure it gets done.

More than anything, keep your cool and hear her out. She needs that. Taking the time to hear her out does a lot to building up your marriage, even while you feel like it’s tearing you down. You’re bigger than that. You can get over being torn down. But she can’t get over not being heard. 

Make Yourself Available to Talk

One of the biggest complaints that women have about their husband’s is the lack of communication between the two of them. This is even true in couples where it seems like they talk a lot. The question isn’t so much one of talking; it’s what they’re talking about.

You see, most couples talk about the incidental problems of their lives. Problems with the kids; problems with paying bills; problems with the broken washing machine. Those aren’t real exciting subjects to talk about; not only that, but they’re really not talking about you and your relationship. All they are is dealing with the vagrancies of life; something we all have to do, but don’t enjoy.

When your wife wants to talk with you, what she wants is to talk about your relationship. Now, I realize this can be really dangerous. In fact, it’s so bad that probably the most feared words that any married man can hear are “we need to talk.” That can take the biggest, toughest Rambo type guy and turn him into a total wimp. We run when we hear those words, and with good reason; for most of us, that phrase has come to mean that our wives want to tell us off.

Like I said, I understand the problem. I’ve been there. But, you know, this isn’t a problem that’s going to go away if we ignore it. In fact, it’s just the opposite. This is a problem that is going to grow faster and faster, the more we ignore it. Then, one day, the phrase won’t be “we need to talk” it’ll be “I want a divorce.

Granted, women can be extremely negative when they “talk.” They can cut a guy up in pieces and spit out the bones, all in the amount of time it takes to say a few sentences. That seems to be a natural ability they all possess. The question is whether or not they possess the ability to control it.

For a woman, talking is therapeutic. The very act of talking helps her deal with the situation, even if no solution is found or agreed upon. What they need is the opportunity to talk about it, not that we can come up with a solution, or even that we make some major change in our lives. Although, I’ll have to say that we’d better take the time to think about whether their complaints merit our making a change.

Let me give you a few secrets about letting your wife spout off:

• Don’t take it personal. Yeah, I know, it sure sounds personal. Often, women will express their frustration about one thing in their lives, as being something totally different. A problem with a strong willed child can come out as you’re not taking her out to eat.
• Look beyond the words, for the hurt that she’s feeling. Once again, it may not have anything to do with what’s being said.
• Don’t lose your cool. This is about letting her vent, not about getting into an argument. You don’t have to “win,” you have to let her express herself, so that you can both win.
• If something she says requires some action on your part, make sure you understand the need, the action to be taken, and that the two of you are in agreement. Even so, don’t expect that your actions will solve everything.
• Use the opportunity to minister to her. Hey, you’re supposed to be the priest of the home. Well priest, what does she need? If you don’t know, send up a quiet prayer, asking God for wisdom.
• Don’t accept “clichés” as being true. Statements like, “you have to support me on this” are her opinion; but that doesn’t mean they’re biblical. There are a lot of things which people think are true, but aren’t necessarily so. Check it out first, to make sure that what she’s expecting lines up with the Word of God. If it doesn’t, gently teach her the truth.

Having said all that; the big thing I need to say is that you and I need to make ourselves available to our wives, so that they can have those times to get things off of their chests. The longer we make her wait, the rougher it’s going to be when it actually happens. We can head off a lot of problems by making sure that she has those opportunities to talk to us about something deeper than the baby throwing up.

A woman who has had the opportunity to unload her heart is going to receive romance much better. More than that, she’s going to be able to express her love more fully. If her heart is filled with garbage from life, then that’s all she’s ever going to be able to show.

Keeping Your Heart Open

Yesterday, I was talking about the importance to letting your wife talk, specifically talking about her problems. We discussed how that was therapeutic for her and helped her to get things off her chest and out of her heart. Today, I want to touch on something that I mentioned yesterday, but didn’t talk about to any great depth; the problem of men keeping their hearts closed off to their wives.

During the dating years, guys are basically open with their girl friends. They talk about their dreams and aspirations, sharing things which are hidden from everyone else. We even go as far as to share our weaknesses, something that we don’t do with anyone else.

Why are men so reluctant to share weaknesses? There’s actually a valid reason for it. God has created men with a violent, aggressive nature, so that we can use that character trait to protect our families. Regardless of whether we’re talking about protecting them from Internet predators, saber-toothed tigers, or attacks from the Devil, it’s the same characteristic. We need the capacity for violence, so that we can react as needed to protect those who are closest to us.

One thing that anyone who has ever fought knows instinctively is that you don’t let your enemy know about your weakness. If they know, they can use it against you. There’s no reason to give them that advantage.

Well, in marriage, she starts out as your closest friend and lover. Then one day, you have your first fight. During that fight, she dredges up everything wrong you’ve ever done and throws it in your face. While this may or may not help her win the fight, it does have one very important, but unwanted result. That is that it teaches you that it’s dangerous to let her know your weaknesses. Where before she had been allowed into your heart, now she has to be kept out. Door closed and locked.

This door closing action happens automatically, without our even realizing it. But, that doesn’t make it any less real. From then on, every time she tries to knock on the door of your heart, you pretend you didn’t hear it. That makes her feel as if you don’t’ love her.

Like I said, this is automatic. It’s not that you want to keep her out, it’s that you do so out of self-defense, without even realizing it. Okay, so what do you do about it?

It’s actually possible to reopen the door to your heart and let her back in; but only you can do that. She can’t open your heart, nor can a $100 per hour head shrinker. So, how do you do it?

First of all, you need to forgive her. That may not open the door, but it will sure get rid of the barricade you put in front of it. Without forgiveness, you may never be able to find the door, let alone open it. (see my post on “Be quick to forgive”)

The second thing you need to do is explain to her what happened; or at least share this post with her, so that she can understand. That will help her to know how to avoid a repeat performance.

The third and final step is to reform the habit of openness. What I mean by that is to start talking about your dreams and aspirations once again. This might be best performed as a team effort. Get your wife to ask you questions that are associated with that area, and answer them honestly. Don’t hold back.

One thing we need to understand, which plays into this, is that our conversation style changes by marriage. Before the wedding, we talk a lot about those dreams. But, once the honeymoon is over, we start talking about reality. Reality is never as interesting as dreams, especially when that reality is a constant series of problems and struggles.

That just increases the need for openness of heart. If all your conversation with your wife is about problems with the kids, the idiot at work and how you’re going to pay the bills, you’re not going to enjoy talking to one another. You both need some positive conversation; the type you were practicing before you got married. That will do wonders to being you closer together. 

One of the major complaints that women make about their husbands is that there isn’t enough communication in the marriage. Of course, this is always the man’s fault, regardless of any other consideration. But, what do they really mean by that?

In actuality, that complaint is multi-faceted. One part of it is that us guys don’t talk much about our feelings, about what’s going on in our hearts. That’s a big deal for women, and how they validate their relationships. When we don’t talk about those things, it seems to them like we are blocking them out of our lives.

In defense of men, I have to say that most of us don’t really think about those things all that much, so its’ no wonder we don’t share those feelings with our wives. While we do have feelings, we just don’t think about them all that much. So, I guess from a woman’s point of view, we’re blocking ourselves out of this part of our lives as well (not that I necessarily agree with them).

The second part of this complaint is the difference between pre-marital and post-marital communications. Before the wedding, everything is dreams; how wonderful our married life is going to be. After the wedding, conversation switches to reality; all the problems we face in life. Obviously, that talk about dreams is much more fun than dealing with reality. But, it has another aspect as well, that of showing what’s in the person’s heart. Women need that open window.

Nevertheless, it’s the third aspect of this that I want to talk about right now. That is that we all reach a point where we stop listening to their complaints. You know how it is, you walk in the door, after a rough day at work, and your wife gives you a litany of everything that went wrong during the day. That’s the last thing you want to hear, more problems; so, you tune her out.

Hey, I’ve been there, done that and burned the T-shirt (it wasn’t worth keeping). So, I fully understand how hard it is to sit there and listen to a list of problems, after spending the whole day dealing with problems. It always seemed to me (and I’m sure it seems the same to you) like she was dumping a whole new load of problems on my back, that I had to spend the whole evening dealing with; and all I wanted to do was relax!

Let me tell you a secret. For 99% of the things that she complains about in that laundry list of problems, she doesn’t expect you to do anything. That’s right. Even though it seems like she’s dumping all her problems on you, so that you’ll do something about them, she really isn’t. She doesn’t need you to do anything.

You see, as men, we’re fixers. When there’s something broken, we need to fix it. It doesn’t matter if we know how to fix it or not, there’s something in us that says “Fix it now!” So, when she complains about her job, we tell her to quit and find another job. When she complains about the neighbor’s dog pooping in her flower bed, we mentally look for our shotgun, so that we can shoot the dog. When she says that Johnny’s teacher sent a note home with him, we think about beating Johnny (or the teacher). For every complaint, we automatically come up with a solution, whether or not it’s practical.

Now, there are a few exceptions. If little Johnny is being rebellious and not obeying mommy, you need to back her up and deal with Johnny. If the washing machine has broken down, you’d better come up with a repair or a repair man, one or the other. But, except for those “important” things, you can blow off the rest of it. She isn’t expecting you to do a thing.

You see, that time of relating all her woes to you is therapeutic for her. It gives her the chance to get it off her chest and out of her heart. She needs that. If she doesn’t get it, she ends up holding all that junk in her heart, where it eats away at her like a cancer. You don’t want that to happen.

When she doesn’t get the opportunity to unload her heart, and stores all those things up, you’ve got to realize that they’re going to come out sometime. When you least expect it, you’ll walk through the door and say, “Hi Honey, I’m home” and she’ll explode. Instead of being greeted by your sweet loving wife, you’ll be met by an angry monster that looks like she’s going to serve you for dinner, instead of serve you dinner.

Of course, if you don’t want to invest the time to listen to her tale of woe, there is an option. You can pay a shrink $100.00 per hour (or more) to do it for you. That saves you having to hear about all those problems. Of course, paying for that privilege may cause a few more problems, but hey, it’s worth it, right? Uh, I’m not so sure about that.

Let your wife talk. Be that attentive ear that she needs. Let her get it off her chest; just don’t hold it in yours. Instead of accepting everything she says as something that you need to deal with, let it be like rainwater on a duck’s back, rolling right off of you. That way, neither of you are carrying the problem. 

Take the Time to Listen

I remember an episode of the TV program “Doc.” A woman patient had complained about eye problems and the star of the show asked for her mascara (that’s the makeup women use on their eyelashes, for anyone who doesn’t know). He sniffed it and told her to throw it out and buy a new one, it was rancid. She was impressed and asked how he knew that the problem was her mascara. He responded, “I just listened to you.”

The next day, when he arrived at the clinic, he found the waiting room filled with that woman’s friends. They hadn’t come for any medical reason, just that they wanted to see him, like an animal in the zoo. They were all impressed in seeing a man who actually listened.

Women all over the world complain that their husbands never listen to them. While I think that might be slightly exaggerated, I’d have to agree that it’s based on a core truth, men basically don’t take the time to listen to their wives. All too often, we tune them out, making their words part of the background, while we think about something else.

Granted, a lot of what a woman says may seem like unimportant drivel to us guys; but it isn’t to them. Just because we’re not interested in what Suzie said about Megan doesn’t mean that our wives don’t consider it of grave importance; in fact, it might actually be important.

The thing is, right in the middle of talking about the local gossip, her problems dealing with the kids and the delivery man and all the other things that our wives talk about, they do talk about things that are important to both of us. It’s just that we have to filter out the filler, and concentrate on mining out those nuggets.

I can just see it now, a couple are talking over dinner, or should I say that she’s talking over dinner, while he’s staring off into space. Right in the middle of everything else, she drops in a sentence about how she hit a concrete post in the car that day; then she goes on to speak about other things. Because her husband isn’t listening, he misses that detail and writes off the whole conversation to his wife just using up her daily quota of words.

The next day, he gets up and as he’s leaving for work, he sees her car, with the front fender bashed in. Yelling, he storms back into the house and throws open the door to their bedroom, confronting his wife. “Why didn’t you tell me you got in an accident yesterday?” To which she responds, “I told you last night at dinner.” Of course, he doesn’t believe her, even though it’s the truth; because he hadn’t been paying attention to all the other things she said.

Listening is an acquired skill. You really can learn to listen to your wife; filtering out the unnecessary and concentrating on the important. Regardless of what you think, it’s not torture to listen to her; you actually used to like to do it when you were dating.

The key isn’t so much letting her words enter into your ears, it’s in paying attention to the message those words are conveying. It doesn’t count as listening to be sitting there while she’s talking, but you’re thinking about something else. To be listening, you need to take the time to focus your attention on her, paying attention to her words.

Women need their husbands to hear them. This is an actual need, not just a desire. Their emotional stability depends upon the ability to get things off of their hearts. That’s what listening to her does. When she’s sitting there over dinner, talking about everything that went wrong in her day, she’s not looking for solutions, she’s looking to unload her heart, so that she can feel better. Just letting her talk about it does her a world of good.

Do you realize that’s all psychologists do? They get paid the big bucks to sit there and let people talk about their problems. They don’t solve anyone’s problems. They don’t have any magical answers; they just listen.

Your wife doesn’t need some high-priced shrink to hear what she says; she needs you to do so. That will give her the outlet she needs, and you might even find out a few things that you need to know. Listen to her.

Don’t Take it Personal

That old saying we learned as kids, of “sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me,” has got to be one of the biggest lies ever concocted. At least the wounds created by sticks and stones will heal fairly quickly, but the wounds of words can last a lifetime. Many people’s lives have been ruined, to one degree or another, by the words that others spoke to them.

That’s why it’s important that we are careful about the words we speak, especially those words that come out when we’re angry, irritated or frustrated. All too often in those moments, we say things that later we wish we could take back. Yet, those words never seem to go away. We may say we’re sorry, we may try and make amends, but we can never make erase those words, once spoken.

Part of what makes those words so powerful is the intensity with which they are said. Let’s say that you’re having an argument with your wife, and in the midst of it you blurt out, “I can’t stand you when you’re like that.” Those words are going to go right to the center of your wife’s being, cutting all the way. She won’t hear it as there’s something that she does which bothers you. What she’ll hear is, “I can’t stand you.” That’s the painful, destructive memory which will burn into her heart.

After that, it doesn’t matter how many times you tell her you love her, the overpowering memory will be that you can’t stand her. The intensity of those words, spoken in the passion of a momentary loss of self-control, will be with her forever. No matter how hard you try, they can’t be erased.

I’m not saying that we’re the only ones who say destructive things like that; women do it too. I’d say that men and women are equally skilled at saying destructive things to each other, causing the same types of hurts. However, I think they typically have a greater impact on the women, because they are more emotionally oriented.

There is one important difference between men and women, when it comes to this type of negative communication. That is, women will express generalities in a way that makes it seem like it’s their husband’s fault. They turn the general into something personal. For example, if a woman is feeling unloved, regardless of the reason, she’ll express it as “You don’t love me.” Or, another case might be where she feels frustrated about something, say something at work, and jumps on you for something that you do which is frustrating to her.

Here’s where we can make a difference in this problem. That is, don’t take it personally. Just because your wife is expressing frustration at you or saying that you never take her out anyplace, doesn’t really mean that she thinks that. It means that she is feeling that way at that moment, nothing more.

If you have a business dinner in a fancy restaurant, which your wife has been wanting to go to, there’s a pretty good chance that she’ll say that you never take her out. You might be confused, thinking of the weekly date night which you’ve been doing for the last year. But, she’s not really saying that you never take her out at all, she’s saying that she feels jealous of your opportunity to go to that restaurant, because she wants to go there.

So, how to you deal with this? The first step is to realize that even though she’s directing it at you, she’s not talking about you. Then, forgive her. You don’t have to do that to her face, but you do have to do it. Finally, try and figure out what the true message is behind what she’s saying.

I realize that decoding “woman speak” is an almost impossible challenge. They have meanings for words and ways of putting ideas together that no man can fathom. Nevertheless, we can at least get some clues about what it is that’s motivating them to say what they are saying. When they say something negative, out of frustration, there’s always something behind it. Look beyond the words, to see where she might be hurting. That gives you a clue in how to love your wife better.

Quit Telling Her So

It seems that one of the most satisfying things in life is when we get to tell someone “I told you so.” It’s as if those four words hold the power to vindicate us and show the world (or at least the person we’re talking to) that our opinion was valid and we were right all the time.

When that opportunity to tell someone that we were right and they were wrong comes along, there are few who can resist the temptation to let it be known, declaring it out loud. It’s almost like we’re conditioned to say that, like a chicken who let’s everyone know that she’s just laid an egg. What pride! What satisfaction! What are we thinking?

C’mon now, is it really all that important to be able to say “I was right and you were wrong”? Where’s grace in that? For that matter, where’s love in it? Is it that our self-esteem is so small that we need to put others down, in order to build ourselves up? Even so, is that any way to treat a wife? Even more, is it any way to treat your wife?

Let me put it another way; how do you feel when she says that to you? Do you feel like she’s building you up? Do you feel loved? Or, do you feel like she’s putting you down? Well, guess what? She doesn’t feel loved and built up when you say it, than you feel when she says it.

So, if that’s the case, wouldn’t saying “I told you so” be anti-romantic? Hmm, think about that a moment. If we’re trying to be romantic towards our wives, so that they feel more loved and even more loving, then doesn’t it make sense to get rid of the anti-romantic things we do as well?

There’s another form of this same phrase, which we probably use even more than the one I’ve mentioned above. That’s to say “I’ve told you before” or “I’ve told you a thousand times” or some such. We tend to get irritated at our wives, when they don’t do things we’ve told them or don’t do them in the way we’ve told them. Since we feel vindicated for our irritation, we think nothing of telling her that she hasn’t been listening.

Okay, so what? Why do we have to make a big deal out of it when our wives don’t catch what we say, even if it does mean that they do things the wrong way? I mean really, what is gained by that anger? Wouldn’t it be better to just treat it as if it were the first time, and instruct her as if it were the first time?

Let’s take something simple, like not hanging the car keys on their hook. Every time your wife has to leave, she ends up searching for them again. That probably means that you end up helping her search for them, especially when she’s running late or in a hurry. So, what good does it do to get irritated, annoyed, made or even exasperated? Does that make you feel any more love and compassion towards here? Does it make you express love better? Does it even make you feel more loved? What? You’re saying no to all those questions? Then why bother wasting the energy getting mad?

It’s much easier to just face the fact of having to search for your wife’s keys as part of your life. Quit wasting time and energy on getting annoyed; just help her. Maybe you could buy her one those key rings that answers when you whistle or one that’s really big, so that it’s easier to see.

The point here is watching how you react to those things. All too often, we allow them to become points of irritation and strife, turning molehills into mountains, instead of treating them like what they are, just the little problems of life.

Learn to keep the little things little; it’ll make loving your wife all that much easier.

She Needs to Talk About it

I think the most dreaded words that a man can hear coming out of his wife’s mouth are “We need to talk.” Those four simple words can cause the stoutest hearts to tremble, the strongest knees to quake and the strongest backs to bow in anticipation of a blow. When we hear those words, a sudden desire to run for cover grips us, providing us with an excellent opportunity to imitate a deer caught in the headlights.

Yet, why is this so? Didn’t we all say “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but names will never hurt me” when we were kids? Yes, we said that, but we’ve since learned that the greatest wounds come not from those sticks and stones, but from words; most specifically, from the words that our wives say when they are upset. Those words often cut deep, creating wounds that don’t heal and creating that fear within us.

You know; most of the time, your wife really isn’t trying to hurt you with her words, she’s just trying to express her own hurt and get feeling better. You getting hurt in the process isn’t part of her plan, regardless of you it may look to you and me.

I don’t know how many times my wife has said those dreadful words to me in our 25+ years of marriage. Yet, every time, I let her spill her guts, and every time I end up feeling like I’ve been run over by a steam roller. Does that make me a hero? I don’t think so; it makes me a caring husband. Does it make me a fool? No, not that either; just one who cares about his wife.

We need to learn to understand the therapeutic value of talking. Maybe it doesn’t have that value for you and me, but it sure does for her. Her heart gets filled with things that bother her. If she doesn’t get the opportunity to get them out of there, they become a poison, eating away at her like a cancer. When we let our wives talk about those things which are bothering them, we provide an opportunity for them to “clean out their hearts;” throwing out the garbage that has accumulated there.

When the typical guy gets home from work he’s met by his typical wife. They sit down to eat their typical dinner and start the typical conversation. In that conversation, she basically relates everything bad that happened all day long; everything the kids did bad, everything that didn’t work, everything that made her feel bad and everything she didn’t like. If she has anything positive to say, it’s usually left for last.

What the typical guy hears in that conversation is “Here’s a list of problems you need to deal with. Get off your lazy butt and do something about them.” But, what she’s really saying is “I’ve had problems today and I want to get rid of them. Let me talk about them, so that I can clean out my heart. I’m so glad you’re home.”

Quite a difference, right? You see, this is just another case where men and women don’t speak the same language. When your wife says, “nobody loves me,” that doesn’t mean she doubts your love, it means that she feels unloved at that moment. When she says, “nobody listens to me,” it doesn’t mean that you never listen to her, it means that she needs someone to listen to her right then. When she yells, “you never take me anywhere,” it doesn’t mean you’ve never done that, it means she’s feeling penned up and wants to go out and do something, even if it’s to go walk in the park.

I realize it would be much easier for us guys to understand our wives if they would just say what they mean, but take my word for it, we’ll never win that battle. For millennia, men have tried to get women to change the way they express themselves, but it’s never worked. Why should we think it’ll work for us?

The trick in all this is for us to learn how to not take the things she says as what she means to say. In other words, don’t take it personally. Granted, those are very emotionally charged things she’s saying; filled with negative sentiments and accusations. But, in reality, that’s not what they are, they’re a cry for help. Likewise for that list of problems she presents you with over dinner. She really isn’t expecting you to do anything about it; she doesn’t want a solution, she just wants a sympathetic ear.

So, learn how to develop a sympathetic ear. Listen to what she says, and don’t let it get to you. Really, you don’t have to take it personally. You don’t have to take it as an attack. You just need to listen enough to allow her to get it off her chest. That will do a world of good for her. And if you can learn how to listen, without taking it personally, you’ll help her without it costing you a thing.

Talking About Your Dreams

I’ve long been an advocate for a weekly date night with your wife. For many couples, that’s the only time that they get to spend together, without kids, relatives and friends. Yet, couples need that time together, so that they can communicate and bond.

For some reason, we spend a lot of time bonding together when we’re dating; but then, once we’re married, we don’t seem to have the time to do so. I know that all those guys out there who say they don’t have time to go out with their wives would suddenly have time, if they didn’t have a wife and were instead going out with a girlfriend. So, just treat your wife as if she was your girlfriend.

Speaking of dating, remember how much more fun it was to talk to your wife when you were dating, than it is today? Why is that? Basically, it’s because when you were dating, you were talking about your dreams, and now all you talk about it reality. Even worse, what you usually talk about is some sort of problem or other.

Clearly, talking about dreams is much more interesting and fun than talking about problems. So, where did this change come from and why did we let it happen? Actually, I don’t think we could have stopped it from happening, even if we tried. Life has problems and we have to find ways of working through them.

That doesn’t mean that we can’t still talk about dreams, though. Oh, we might have to make a conscious effort to do so, but that’s not the same as saying that we can’t do it. All we have to do is pick a topic to dream about and start talking.

So, the next time you take your wife out, say tonight for example, be ready. Have a topic already picked out, which will help you talk about dreams. Something like:

• If we had a million dollars, what would we do with it?
• If we knew we had only one month to live, what would we do with that time?
• If we could build a house any way we wanted, no worries about cost. How would we build it? What would we have in it? Where would it be?
• If we could change one bad thing in the world, what would be the most important thing to change?
• If we could go on vacation anywhere, where would we go? What would we do?
• If God allowed us to do any one thing for Him, what would be the most important thing to do?

I hope you get the idea with these examples. You don’t have to use one of them, even though you are welcome to do so. But, there’s no reason why you can’t come up with your own theme for your “dream conversation.” Remember, there’s no good answers or bad answers to this, there’s just answers.

The important thing about this is that when we talk about our dreams, we talk about the inner person; our hopes and desires. That’s the type of talk that women want, not talk about problems paying the bills or problems with the kids. They get plenty of that, but they want talk that will center on the heart.

Now, I know that we, as guys, have trouble talking about what’s in our hearts. This trick should help. But, there’s something that you need to know about you, before you start. That is that most of us hide our true inner self from our wives. Yep, we do that.

You see, as men, part of our nature is to defend our families. God created us with the attributes of violence and aggressiveness for just that reason. Not so that we could beat our wives and kiddies, but so that we could protect us. Well, everyone knows that if you’re fighting someone, the last thing you want to do is let them know your weaknesses.

Here’s what happens, before we get married and during our honeymoon, we lay our hearts wide open to our wives. Everything is peachy and we don’t hide a thing. Then, along comes the day where we have our first fight. Suddenly, we realize that it’s dangerous letting our guard down, because she can use what we’ve said against us. Ouch! From then on, we’re like the proverbial clam.

Well, if you’re going to talk about dreams, you’re going to have to open up and quit being a clam. If you have trouble with that, make sure that you’ve forgiven your wife for any time she’s used something that you said against you. Forgiveness is the best cure for the clam. 

Another First Date

Do you remember your first date with your wife? Most of us do, if only vaguely. Of course, our wives usually remember it in great detail, down to the clothes we wore and what we ate. Their memories tend to be better at things like that then ours are.

Well, there’s no reason you can’t have another first date, or at least pretend to. You know, play acting can be as much fun for adults as it is for kids; especially when we do it with our spouses. It’s a harmless outlet for fantasies, adding a little spice to your relationship.

The normal problem with fantasies is that they either involve someone besides your wife or they involve doing things that your wife wouldn’t do. The first one is clearly wrong and the second can cause one to be dissatisfied in their marriage. That’s not saying that all fantasies are bad though, we just need to be careful about how we fantasize and who we fantasize with. There’s nothing wrong with fantasizing about your wife, nor is there anything wrong with acting out those fantasies (assuming the two of you are in agreement and it can’t hurt either of you).

So, if you’re going to have another first date, you’ve got to do the whole shebang. Call her up and ask her out on a date. Once you’ve got her agreement, explain what you’re going to do, pretending it’s your first date once again. If you can recreate any part of that date, like the place you went to, so much the better.

What did you do on your first date? Isn’t that, more than anything, a time of getting to know each other? So, whether you pick her up or you meet someplace, do it as if you don’t know each other. Go to a restaurant and tell her about yourself, get her to tell you about herself, ask questions, learn to know each other once again.

This can be a great ice breaker if you feel that you’ve been growing apart. At times, as the years pass, we feel as if we don’t know each other anymore. Well, if that’s the case, it’s time to start learning about each other once again. Even if it isn’t the case, I’ll bet that you’ll end up telling each other things that you didn’t know. That’s part of the fun, getting to know each other more.

Where it goes from there… well, that’s up to the two of you to decide.