Take the Time to Cuddle

For some strange reason, lots of women complain that all their husbands’ want is sex. As a man, I really have trouble understanding that, even though I’m supposed to be somewhat of an “expert” on women. Nevertheless, I have to agree with women that sex in and of itself, without the emotional connection that makes sex into something special, is like having someone give you a brand new Mustang, without the engine. While sex without the emotional closeness of a truly loving relationship is still sex, it’s nowhere near as special as sex with the emotional closeness.

That’s one of the reasons that romance is so important in a marriage. Besides meeting our wives emotional needs, the romantic acts that we do tend to draw us closer as a couple. That’s really what it’s all about. When sex comes as a result of that emotional closeness, it reaches a whole new level.

Another related thing that women complain about is lack of cuddling. Cuddling (either dressed or naked) is a very important part of the physical expression of love in a marriage. Yet, most men don’t appreciate just cuddling with their wives, unless that cuddling leads to sex. While I’m not against cuddling leading to sex, I’ve learned that the cuddling in and of itself can be extremely satisfying on an emotional level.

Cuddling is part of building the emotional closeness necessary for a good, healthy sexual relationship within the marriage. Men typically fall asleep after lovemaking, leaving the cuddling part out. Granted, we’re going to fall asleep no matter what, but there’s no reason to not fall asleep with your arms around your wife. There’s also no reason not to put your arms around her when you wake up in the middle of the night.

Okay, that takes care of the bedroom, but what about the rest of the time? By all means, take every opportunity you can to cuddle with your wife, whether in the bedroom or out. When you’re sitting there watching television, do it with your arms around her. Put your arm around her when you’re talking to friends. You can even put your arm around her in church, while you’re listening to the sermon. In other words, take every opportunity you can to put your arm around your wife.

Have you ever noticed how much babies want to be held and cuddled? There’s something in human makeup that craves physical contact. We all want it, although as adults we may not be hearing that need, due to other voices that are crying louder.

I remember a story about a pair of twin babies. One of the two of them was extremely sick, to the point where they thought that the baby would die. They couldn’t figure out what was wrong with the baby, so didn’t know how to properly treat it. A nurse put the healthy twin in the bassinet with the sick one, to keep it company. That physical closeness was enough to heal the sick baby.

You find young people who are dating always putting their arms around each other. It’s almost like they can’t walk alone or even stand alone without falling down. Why? Because they crave that physical contact. It meets an emotional need within them.

That emotional need to cuddle doesn’t ever go away. You and I have it, so do our wives. There will never be anything else that will fully satisfy that need. I don’t care how much sex you try and have, without cuddling, you’ll find that the emotional need is still there. I’d say that your wife is probably crying out for more cuddling, even if she never verbalizes it or is cognizant of her own desire. It’s there, and it’s your job to fill that need.

More Love

Pretty much everyone, men and women alike, claims to love their spouse “no matter what.” We make it sound like our love is truly unconditional, regardless of whatever might happen. However, I’d have to say that we’re fooling ourselves when we say that. Oh, we’re right in the sense of being able to love them through whatever we have in mind at that time, or we wouldn’t be saying it. That’s not the same thing though. Just because we’re convinced that we could keep loving them through some serious sickness doesn’t mean that we love them unconditionally.

Love is only known by its expression. If there’s no expression of love, then there’s no love. There might be something we think is love, but it’s nothing more than a feeling inside of us. For it to be recognizable as love to another, it has to come out of us and be expressed to that other person.

Unconditional love is only such when it is expressed at times when the other person doesn’t deserve it. If our expression of love is dependent upon the other person’s actions, then it isn’t really unconditional love. For us guys, that often means being able to continue expressing love, even when she is denying us sexually. That’s hard to do, but if we truly love our wives, we are able to do so.

So, what gets in our way of being able to express love at all times? More than anything it’s our emotions. When we don’t feel loved or appreciated, we have trouble expressing love towards others. To put it another way, when nobody is filling our love tank, we don’t have anything to give away.

Actually, although we live by that statement, it’s untrue. If we need our love tank to be filled, in order to have love to give to another, then there’s something wrong. We should be able to create love out of nothing, regardless of what others are doing to us. If we can’t do that, then human will doesn’t mean anything.

Okay, so what should we do? We should act in love towards our wives, no matter how our wives are acting towards us. Have you ever stopped to think that she may be acting the way she is, because she feels unloved?

Herein lies a great secret; loving when we don’t feel like it. Many have said, “Love isn’t an emotion, it’s a choice of the will.” I don’t totally agree with that. Try telling your wife sometime, “I don’t feel anything towards you, but I still love you.” I guarantee you, she’s not going to be thrilled. There is an aspect of love that is a feeling, but there is another aspect of love that’s a choice of the will. The will part comes into play when we act in love, even though our emotions are in conflict with that action.

Did you get that? We still need to act in love, even though are emotions aren’t in agreement. I’m not talking about pretending to love here; I’m talking about doing loving actions, even though we don’t feel like it. That’s a level of loving expression that most people never reach.

You know the crazy thing? If you act in love, even when you don’t feel like it, your emotions will follow your actions. In other words, if you don’t feel loving, act in love anyway; that will change your feelings.

As crazy as that sounds, it’s absolutely true. I have had a number of times where the best thing I could do to overcome negative feelings towards my wife was to do something loving for her. Every time I did that, it worked; she felt loved and I felt better towards her. My emotions followed my action.

A child is controlled by their emotions. As mature men, we need to learn how to control our emotions. That doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t feel anything, but rather that we should use our emotions as a tool, shaping them to meet the need. One great need is that of acting in love towards our wives, so we need to shape our emotions towards love.

Anyone who says that they’ve “fallen out of love” with their wife has just confessed that they’ve stopped trying to be loving towards their wife. They are expecting their wife to make them feel loving, rather than making that decision to love. I’d have to say, they probably never truly loved their wife, they only thought they did. Ouch!

So, the next time you find yourself thinking negatively about your wife, it means it’s a good day to buy her flowers, or maybe a box of chocolates. Perhaps you should cook her a special dinner or help her out with some chores. Whatever you choose to do, make sure it is something that you will both interpret as an act of love. That will help you overcome those negative thoughts and feelings, and feel the love that you need to feel for your wife.

Quit Fussing About the Little Stuff

You know, you can be the most romantic guy in the world, and destroy every romantic act you do in about 10 seconds. Yep, that’s right. All it takes is a momentary lapse, in which you forget to act like a spiritual man and start acting like a fleshly one. That’s it, in that 10 second lapse, all the ugliness of a selfish, childish, carnal man can destroy a lifetime of being a loving husband.

You might think I’m talking about abusive husbands, so what I’m saying really doesn’t apply to you. To that I say “HA!” I’ve come to the conclusion that most marital abuse isn’t physical abuse, but emotional abuse. Emotional abuse always stems out of immaturity and selfishness.

What I’m talking about here are those moments we all tend to have, when we allow our emotions to overcome our reason, and the dark side of our character shows through. Now, don’t try and tell me you don’t have a dark side to your character, we’ve all got one. You may have it well hidden, and you should, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t there; it just means that you try and keep it locked up.

Mankind in general is a selfish, greedy, uncaring race. If you don’t believe me, just look at a baby sometime. Have you ever seen anything more self-centered than a baby? They are all convinced that the world revolves around them. Mommy, daddy and everyone else just exist to serve them. All they have to do is cry, and the whole world jumps to do their bidding. Sounds kind of self-centered to me.

Granted, they’re babies and they can’t do much more than cry. Okay, I understand that; I’m really not here to get down on babies. However, I am here to get down on the 40 year-old babies. You know what I mean, those of us who are supposed to be adults, but can act as childish, self-centered and spoiled as a baby. Those who think that whatever they want, their wife should jump. Those who think that their wife exists to serve them. Those that think they can blow up whenever they want, and their wife has to forgive them.

It’s amazing how quickly we can all blow up over the littlest things, if we let our guard down. Yeah, I said littlest things. That thing which you think is worth blowing up about, is probably just as little as the thing that you see others blow up about.

Let me ask you something; where do you plan on being in 100 years? I hope your answer to that is that you expect to be in heaven. If that’s so, then let me ask you another question; will that thing that you’re getting upset about today, be important in 100 years? If not, why are you getting upset about it?

We’ve got to learn how to get things into perspective. We’re supposed to have our eyes fixed on the things above, not the things below. If that’s the case, then the things below really aren’t all that important. So, why do we get so upset about them? Because we want things our way, that’s why. In other words, we’re being self-centered. Ouch!

Here’s the rub. Every time we blow up about some insignificant thing that isn’t going to matter in 100 years, we negate everything that we’ve been doing to be romantic towards our wives. In other words, all those points you’ve been building up, by being romantic, are all blown away by one little blowup.

Putting it that way, it seems to me that those blowups are pretty darn expensive. At that price, it seems like it would be better to save them for things that are worthwhile, not the little stuff. That way, at least we lose those points over something that really matters.

A Trail of Kisses

Every once in a while, I like to use chocolate in a romantic act. It could have something to do with my wife and I both being chocoholics. Then again, it could have something to do with her really craving chocolate when she was going through menopause. Whatever the reason, chocolate has long been an important part of our marriage.

I imagine that we’re not alone in this; at least the evidence seems to point that way. On Valentine’s Day, chocolate is one of the classic gifts. When a man is looking for a way to make up to his wife for some slight, chocolate is right there at the top of the list. Interestingly enough, the most popular post of all time on this blog is about chocolate as well. So, I’d have to say that there are a lot of couples out there who are as almost as much chocoholics as we are.

There’s something about Hershey’s Kisses which speak romance to me. Now, we really like the high dollar, fancy chocolate truffles; but they just don’t have that same name. C’mon, what could be more romantic than kissing? I think the Hershey family was up to something when they came up with that name. Who knows, maybe they created them to be romantic.

Hershey’s has even gone a step further and come out with a variety of different Kisses now. They’ve even got one called “Hugs.” So, you can have your hugs and kisses both in chocolate. Since my wife and I are partial to dark chocolate, we were really glad to see them come out with Hershey’s Dark Chocolate Kisses. I mean, how much more romantic can you get than that?

Okay, so what are we going to do with these wonderful, romantic candies? How about this; buy a bag of your bride’s favorite variety or more than one, and use them to make a trail. Wait until sometime when she’s out of the house, to make your trail. Start from the door she’ll be coming in, and place Kisses every four to six inches through the house. If you can find a small basket somewhere, like a miniature Easter basket, put it next to the head of the trail, so she’ll have something to put the Kisses in. Somewhere along the way, leave a small wrapped gift for your wife; but don’t let the trail end there. Have it continue to wherever you are.

Then, you can be waiting at the end of the trail, to give your bride another type of kisses. By then, she’ll probably be ready to enjoy both kinds.

Protect Her from Her Fear

Everyone has things they are afraid of; that’s a given. Even the toughest of soldiers, who would stare an armed enemy in the face, have fears. While they may not be afraid of that enemy, they may be afraid of snakes, or spiders or heights. One can never know the fears of another by looking at them on the outside, because those fears are often hidden things of the heart.

What do we typically do when we find out someone else’s fear? Why, we make fun of it. That’s right; one person’s fear is another person’s joke. We think their fear is funny, but we don’t appreciate it if they act the same about ours.

Let me ask you, how many times have you made fun of a fear that your wife has? Maybe she’s afraid of bugs (not an uncommon situation among women) and you laugh at her. Perhaps she has a fear of flying, and you laugh at her every time she has to get on an airplane. It doesn’t matter what it is, it seems that we all laugh at each other’s fears.

Yet, I have to ask, what message are we sending, when we laugh at our wives fears? Aren’t we reducing their concern to nothing? Aren’t we saying “your opinion isn’t worth anything”? Aren’t we reducing their value in our own eyes? Ouch! That’s not something we want to do, to show our love.

In reality, nobody can control their fears. Oh, they can learn to control their reaction to them, but they can’t control their fear. The fear is there, whether they want it to be, or not. They can study about it and try to overcome it, but that won’t make it go away. All fear is irrational, it tries to control us, we can’t control it.

In all fairness, many fears have some basis in fact. Many of the people who survived the Great Depression in the last century, died decades later with a fear of not having enough food. One who has fallen from a great height will naturally have a fear of heights. A child who suffers a painful insect bite can easily develop a fear of bugs. But, not all fears can be explained so easily.

Okay, so what does all this have to do with romance? Good question. First of all, we all need to change how we react to our wife’s fears. While it may still seem funny to us that she’s afraid of escalators, we shouldn’t show our humor. Respecting a person for who they are includes respecting all they are. Secondly, it is important to protect them from those fears. If our wives are afraid of something, then we should do what we can to ensure that those fears don’t have an opportunity to manifest.

Let’s take something simple like bugs. We lived in a house which had a serious cockroach infestation. Had we known about that, before renting the house, we never would have rented it. However, we live in an area where cockroaches are common, so it’s not all that surprising that we had the problem.

The place in our home which the cockroaches liked the most was the kitchen. Every morning, we’d wake up to find 20 or 30 of those pests on the kitchen counter and in the sink. It didn’t matter if everything was spotlessly clean and there was nothing for them to eat, they’d be there looking for it anyway. So, I made it a habit when I woke up to go in the kitchen and deal with the cockroaches. That way, my wife wouldn’t have to.

Of course, that didn’t totally solve the problem and no matter what we tried, we never managed to get rid of them. Nevertheless, that doesn’t mean I stopped trying. We sealed and sprayed and put out traps and every other trick we could find, just to try and get rid of those pests. Finally, we moved out of the house; they’d won the battle. In our new house, we don’t have that problem.

But, I won my battle as well. Even though I didn’t manage to eliminate the problem, I at least was able to make it easier for my wife. I couldn’t protect her totally from that fear, but I at least did so partially. That was at least a partial victory.

I said that we don’t have a cockroach problem in the new house, and we really don’t, Even so, every once in a while I’ll find a dead one on the floor, when I wake up in the morning. I keep a mini dust-pan and brush in the laundry room, which I call the cockroach brush. When I find them, I get rid of them, before my wife has the opportunity to see them. I’m still trying to protect her.

A Stroll by the Light of the Moon

As we all know, romance requires time. It’s impossible to be truly romantic if one isn’t willing to spend time with their wife. It doesn’t matter how much money you spend on flowers and gifts, if you never get to spend any time together, they aren’t going to make her feel loved.

Finding time to spend together can be a real challenge in our hurry-up, hustle and bustle world. It’s even worse if you’ve got kids. It almost seems like those kids have a conspiracy set up between them, to make sure that their parents can’t get any time alone together. You finally get them all in bed, sit down on the sofa to spend a few minutes together and one or another of them pop out of bed. It doesn’t matter what the reason, they’ll make one up if they have to.

Well, we’re bigger than the kids, we’ve got more experience, more education; so, we ought to be able to come up with a way to outsmart them, and get that few minutes alone. Actually, it’s not all that hard; all we have to do is leave the house. That way, when they try to interrupt us in the living room, they can’t find us.

Now, I realize that you probably aren’t all that comfortable leaving your kids in the house alone; and your wife is even less comfortable. But, I’m not talking about leaving them alone and going away for a few hours; I’m talking about leaving them alone in bed for a few minutes, while you stay in sight of the house.

You see, just getting out of the house, to walk down your street and back can be romantic. That is, it can be romantic if you manage to get the time alone together. That’s really what it’s about, not the walking, but getting to be together, without interruptions.

A nice, slow stroll, hand in hand, up and down your own street may not seem like the most romantic thing you’ve ever done, but it’s still romantic. Romance doesn’t require money; nor does it require elaborate planning. Romance is an expression of love, and one of the ways in which we can express love is by just spending time together.

Remember, this isn’t about making it a race, nor is it about getting exercise, it’s about spending a few minutes alone together. if you can’t make yourself walk slowly, then maybe you’d be better off sitting on the porch. Either way, enjoy the evening, the breeze, the stars, the moon, and most of all, enjoy some time just for the two of you.

A Scent of Romance

Have you ever wondered why women like perfume so much? Generally speaking, they are much more interested in perfume, than men are in after shave and cologne. If you’re not sure that I’m right, just go into any department store and compare the prices of the perfumes to the after shave. While there are perfumes which are cheap, you really don’t see after shave lotion which is expensive. Not only that, but perfume is given to women as a special gift, whereas after shave is only given to men when someone can’t come up with a better gift idea.

So, back to the original question, why is this so? It’s actually rather simple. Women’s noses, like all their senses, are more sensitive than men’s are. That also explains why women are more offended by foul odors than men are. That fishy smell, which might bother you and I a bit, but we pretty much ignore it, can be a major irritant to our wives.

I don’t really know how far back the idea of perfume goes, or how far back it was considered a romantic gift. However, we do find historic reference to it at least 3,000 years ago, while deodorants didn’t exist until the 9^th century. Imagine the dark ages, when people though that bathing was dangerous? If it wasn’t for perfume, I think the human race would have died out; women wouldn’t have been able to stand to get close enough to men for procreation to happen.

Maybe that has something to do with perfume becoming a romantic gift. Then again, it could have something to do with being something that pleases the senses. Regardless of the reason, we can be assured that perfume, as a romantic gift, is here to stay.

What is your wife’s favorite perfume? My wife’s comes from the Lily of the Valley, and is made in France. It’s almost impossible to find, making it that much more precious of a commodity in our home. I’ve tried other perfumes, including a rather expensive one, which is based upon lilies, but it’s just not the same. This taught me that it’s important not only to buy perfume, but to buy her the right perfume.

How do you find out which perfume is the right one? Simple, look at what she’s got. The bottle with the least in it is probably the one she uses the most. That’s the scent she likes. Even if she isn’t ready for a new bottle, all hope is not lost. You can take the name of that perfume, go to the perfume counter in your favorite upscale department store and say, “I’d like something similar to…” The clerk there should be able to show you other perfumes, which are similar to your wife’s favorite. That helps ensure that she’s going to like it.

Be sure to have it gift wrapped too. The extra moments of having to unwrap the package add to the experience of receiving the gift.

Let me mention one other thing here as well. Since we aren’t as interested in the smell of the perfume as our wives are, we tend to forget to use things like after shave and cologne. Don’t forget. You’re not doing it for you; you’re doing it for her. She’ll appreciate it. 

Have you ever wondered why so many old romantic movies have the guy singing to the girl somewhere in the movie? Even a few more modern movies have this, although it isn’t as common as it used to be. There’s something special about music, especially when it is directed at a particular person.

Music touches the soul in a way that more simple words do not. That’s why advertisers use it so much. A catchy jingle about a product is much more likely to be remembered than an elaborate explanation or even a well thought out tag line. Music not only touches the emotions of the person, but also burns the memory deeper into our conscience.

Unfortunately, not all of us are given the gift of golden voices. Personally, I have been forbidden by my children from singing in public at any time. I’m not even allowed to sing in the shower, if others are in the house. The only time I can sing is when nobody else knows I’m doing it. Of course, that might have something to do with all of them studying the arts in college, two of them being musicians. They think that my inability to carry a tune banns me from singing forevermore.

Nevertheless, I’m sure that some of you out there have those golden voices of fame; or at least you can pretend that you do, much better than I can. So, why not use it for being romantic? Let me ask you; when was the last time you sang a song to your wife?

You know, it’s amazing how many love songs there are out there. It seems that love songs have been being sung since the beginning of time. Even modern music, with all its unusual expressions, still has a fair number of love songs being produced.

Do the two of you have a favorite song? Maybe there’s something that you used to hear on the radio, when you were dating. Well, why not learn it, and serenade your wife with it? Unless she doesn’t like music, or you have a reputation as a singer like mine, she’s bound to love it. 

Daddy Caddy

Through the years I’ve come to the point where I have a deep appreciation that God has never done anything by accident or “just because.” Every action He has ever done has purpose, often more than one; even those things which don’t seem so obvious have purpose.

Believe it or not, the differences between how men and women are, how they think and how they do things even have purpose. While those differences might be a bit frustrating, or even a bit infuriating to us at some times, they still have a reason. Quite often, once we understand the purpose behind the differences, we can see the wisdom in what God has done.

Have you ever wondered why we, as men, are so much stronger than out wives? No, it’s really not so that we can beat them at a wrestling match; and it’s definitely not so that we can abuse them in any way. The real reason why we are so much stronger is so that we can protect our wives from danger; any kind of danger. Our capacity for aggressiveness and violence exists for the same reason, so that we can protect her.

Can you imagine a pregnant woman trying to protect herself from any sort of violent attack? I don’t know about your wife, buy mine had trouble getting around when she was pregnant, let alone doing anything really physical. No, if there’s any woman in the world who needs protection, it’s a pregnant one.

That natural strength we have is for the benefit of our marriage. Not only in protecting our wives, but in doing those tasks which require strength. Years ago, when our kids were little and we were traveling full time, I used to grumble about having to be the “Daddy Caddy.” When we’d get to a hotel, the whole family would go relax in the room or check out the pool, while daddy (me) was carrying all the suitcases; and yes, to be honest with you, I was usually grumbling about it.

But really, who is best suited for carrying the suitcases? My kids were too small to do it, so expecting them to do so would have been ridiculous. Likewise, expecting my wife to do it was ridiculous. She couldn’t hardly lift some of those suitcases, let alone carry them a couple hundred feet.

Okay, so I’ve changed a bit since then; you get older and hopefully get wiser as well. A couple of months ago, I injured my back. For a few weeks I couldn’t hardly stand up, let alone try and carry anything. For that few weeks, I was more or less worthless to myself, let alone anyone else. So, I’d watch as my wife carried in the groceries, feeling guilty all the while. But, I could hardly get out to the car with my cane in the time it took her to make three trips in with the bags.

I felt guilty watching my wife carry those groceries. While I really didn’t have any choice, it bothered me to see her have to do something, because I was physically incapable of doing it. You see, if I’m committed to my marriage, then that means that I commit all my resources to it, no matter what they are or when it is. All of me has to be given over to our marriage, or I’m just playing games; and as a game, it’s one that I’ll probably lose. One can only win in marriage by giving everything.

Guys, our wives need our physical strength, along with any other strength we have. When there’s something to be done that requires physical exertion, don’t grumble, just do it. Carrying groceries? No problem! Cutting the lawn? No problem! Carrying the bags, when your wife goes shopping? Uh… well… no problem! Whatever it is, let your wife know that you’re there for her.

Spring Gardening

We all know that women like flowers. At one time or another, I’ve given you some ideas of how to use flowers as a romantic act; not that giving her flowers is something that’s hard to figure out on your own, but they’re always a good idea. There is definitely a romantic connotation to giving flowers.

Well, why not give her a whole bunch of flowers. Now, that doesn’t mean that you’re going to get more points. Remember, it’s only one point per romantic act. However, there are some acts which manage to give more points, simply because she sees it over and over again. For example, you come home from work with a bunch of flowers one day. Okay, you get one point; that’s great. But, sometimes, you can get more mileage out of those flowers; not by anything you do, but by what she does. You see, every time she sees those flowers, there’s the chance that she’ll remember you giving them to her. Ding! You get another point. Or, if she tells one of her friends what you did, ding, you get another point.

Okay, so maybe we can capitalize on this a bit. Since it’s spring and we know that our wives like flowers, let’s get them some flowers. Only, this time, let’s make sure that those flowers will stick around for a while. In other words, let’s plant them outside for her.

It really doesn’t matter if the flowers we give our wives are inside the house or outside the house, just that we give her flowers. Granted, if they’re inside the house, she’s probably going to see them more often. But, that flower bed in the front yard is something she’s going to see every time she leaves the house and every time she comes home. Not only will she see it, but she’ll take special notice every time a flower blooms.

While there’s no way that I can guarantee you’ll get a point every time she looks at the flowers you planted for her, that opportunity does exist; especially when the new flowers bloom.

You can even make this a project that you do together and still reap points in the romance department. Have her go with you to pick out the flowers; that’s one romantic act. Then you can make the flower bed on your own. Finally, you can plant the flowers together, that’s romantic, because you’re doing something together.

Of course, you can always cut some of the flowers your garden grows and put them in a vase on the kitchen table when she’s not looking. I’d say that would count as another romantic act. Just make sure that you don’t mess up the flower garden when you do that. 

An Old-Fashioned Expression of Love

It can be a bit challenging to continually come up with new ways to express your love to your wife. Of course, you can continue to do the old ones, but women like new things; they like it when you can surprise them with something, especially when you can surprise them with some new expression of love. So, variety is an important part of romance.

Let me explain. If you buy your wife flowers, she thinks you’re romantic. If you buy them the second day, she thinks you’re really romantic. On the third day, she’s bragging to her friends about how romantic you are. But, when you come home with flowers on the fourth day, she’s going to wonder what you’re up to. By the end of the week, her reaction is more like “Oh, flowers again, ho hum, that’s nice.” It’s not that she doesn’t like flowers any more, it’s just that it’s become routine.

While I have yet to find a woman who doesn’t like her husband to tell her he loves her, I’m sure that just saying so can become routine as well. That doesn’t eliminate the importance of telling her, it just shows that we need to add some variety to keep things fresh.

For those of you who are old enough to remember, one way that we used to express love was to carve a heart with our initials in the bark of a tree. Now, I realize that’s not a high-tech way of expressing love, but you know, love doesn’t require high-tech. love has existed since before tech existed. People were able to express love to one another before technology came along, and believe it or not, we still can.

Now, I’m not a fan of vandalism, so I’m going to avoid doing this romantic act in the park. Instead, I’d like to suggest that you pick a tree in your own yard, and carve your initials in it. Make sure you’ve got a good, sharp pocket knife, preferably one with a locking blade. You really don’t want to get cut in the process of showing your love.

It’s up to you whether you do it, then show her, or take her with you while you do it. I guess that depends a bit on how good you are at carving. You may want to practice a bit, before showing off your new artistic ability to your wife.

One of the neat things about this is its permanence. I’ve seen trees with initials carved in them in rather remote places; places where not many people go. I always wonder when it was done, and by whom. Well, if you carve your heart in a tree in your back yard, whoever lives in that house after you will be wondering who you were. 

Put a Cap on the Grumbling

You know, if we’d watch our own reactions to things as closely as we watch our wife's reactions, we’d be amazed by what we saw. Really, many of our reactions are much different than what we think they are, specifically much more negative than we think they are. We notice it when our wives react negatively, but we ignore it or even justify it when we do.

Take, for example, our reaction when they ask us to do something. Now, we probably think nothing of it, but most of the time, when our wives ask us to do something, we grumble about it. That grumbling only gets louder when what they ask us to do something which will interrupt what we are already doing.

Actually, most of what they ask us to do really isn’t all that hard. Okay, okay, painting the house is a bit of a project, I’ll agree; but taking the garbage out isn’t. Yet, we grumble about taking out the garbage, as if we had to slay three dragons, run through a minefield and pay the orthodontist, just to get from the house and the curb. C’mon now, it’s really not all that bad.

Let’s take a look from her point of view for a change. How do you think your wife feels when she asks you to do something and you grumble about it? Do you think that makes her feel loved? How about important? Maybe it makes her feel like you’re committed to the marriage? Or, possibly she sees it as your way of saying “Yes dear?” No, you know it doesn’t come across as any of that.

With enough of that grumbling you can actually get your wife to stop asking you to do anything. How’s that for a deal? All you have to do is keep up the grumbling and she’ll leave you alone. Of course, she’ll probably stop doing some things that you want her to do as well; but hey, that’s not much of a price to pay, is it? Or, is it really too much of a price to pay?

Remember those pesky little vows we took at the wedding. Wasn’t there something in there about “better or worse?” Well, guess what, we may have just found a little piece of the worse. Actually, it’s not all that bad. If the worst thing you have to deal with in your life is taking out the garbage or teaching her how to copy a computer file for the umpteenth time is the worst thing that happens in your life, you’ve got it made.

The point is, when you married her, you committed to giving her all that you are, just as she committed to give you all that she is. “Giving all” also means being available to her when she needs you, no matter what it is. Without grumbling. 

Is There Something She Runs Out Of?

I think most of us guys tend to prefer leaving the shopping to our wives. I mean, they seem to have that shopping gene and we don’t; so, why bother suffering through going to the store, when we can leave that in their quite capable hands. Not only do we avoid the suffering, but they get to enjoy themselves. Sounds like a win-win situation to me.

Of course, there are some things that we’ve got to shop for on our own. I don’t really trust my wife to go to the hardware store, without some really explicit instructions. Maybe your wife understands that stuff, but my wife sure doesn’t. So, I don’t usually send her to the hardware store, or the office supply store for that matter. There are some things which I have to shop for myself, much as I don’t want to.

I’ve actually found another category where it makes sense for me to do the shopping; that is to shop for things she has a tendency to run out of. Little things, like safety pins and band-aids. My wife notices she’s out of them when she needs one. I notice when I see the box almost empty.

Let’ me give you an example. When I feed the dog in the morning, I automatically look to see how much dog food there is, and think “Okay, there’s enough to last another 10 days or so.” My wife doesn’t do that; she looks at it and sees, “Okay, there’s dog food.” That happens because generally speaking (which means that I’m going to be generally wrong), man are more long-term planners than women are. So, I’m doing that all day long, with everything I use, without really thinking about it.

There’s three ways I can deal with those things when I see them. The first one, which we guys are really good at, is to ignore it. “After all,” I can say to myself, “she’s the one who does the shopping.” That’s all it takes to assuage any guilt I might feel. While that’s the easy out, it’s not the responsible answer. My second option is to put it on the shopping list. At least that way I’m doing something to contribute to the benefit of the family. Or, the third option is that I can buy it myself.

I know, I know, that almost sounds like heresy. Why in the world would I buy it myself, when I know that my wife is going to the store anyway? Well, here’s where shopping can get romantic. Granted, buying flowers and candy for your wife is romantic, but here’s another way. When I see that my wife is about out of something, I make a note to buy it. That way, when she runs out of it, I have a reserve supply for her.

However, I don’t buy it and just put it in the cabinet; I buy it and keep it. That way, when she needs it, I can produce it for her. Okay, so I’m trying to get some kudos here, so what? The point isn’t just buying it; the point is that she knows that I’m taking care of her. Granted, it’s something small. But, when she needs it, it’s not that small to her.

Now, I don’t do this with everything, nor can I come anywhere near claiming to do it all the time. What I do is make a note of it on my tablet, so that when I’m in the store, I can check to see if there’s anything extra I should pick up. There are many times where she buys it before I go to the store. There are other times where I totally forget about it. But, when I can remember to do it, I do. It’s just another little way of showing my wife that I care about her.

A Weekend Getaway

One of the biggest struggles couples have today is finding time to just be together. Even harder is to find time when you can be alone together. It seems like there’s always something which is trying to take your time, pulling you away from each other and keeping you too busy to just be together.

Whatever happened to all that time you seemed to have to spend together before you got married? Remember that? You could talk for hours, walk in the park, or go out to a movie, whatever you wanted to do. It seemed that there was always time to be together. Yet, once we get married, or maybe once that first baby comes along, life puts too many demands on our time.

Well, if you still want to spend time with your bride, as I’m sure you do, you just have to be a bit more imaginative and make an effort to do so. Actually, I think that’s a lot of it. You see, when we were dating, we made the time to spend together; but after we get married, we let other things take that time. Granted, some of those things are necessary, but at other times, we let it happen, telling ourselves that we can spend time with her later… only later never comes.

As long as you’re at home, there’s always going to be something to take that time. The phone will ring, somebody will drop by, one of the kids will need to be taken somewhere or something will break, demanding immediate attention. Whatever it is, it will rob you of the time that you were going to spend together.

There is a cure for this, that’s to get away from home. When you’re away, those things can’t happen as easily. That’s part of the importance of a date night; just getting away by yourselves. Well, if a date night works for that, then what about a date weekend? That would really give you some time alone together.

I can already hear your objections. You don’t have time, you don’t have the money, you don’t know how you’re going to be able to do it. Hold on a second. First of all, decide if you love your wife enough to spend a weekend alone with her. Then face each of those objections and find a solution for it. C’mon now, you’re a guy, you’re good at finding solutions to problems. So, find them.

Getting away for a weekend doesn’t have to be expensive. Granted, you’ve got to pay for a hotel and some meals, but you’re only talking about one night in a hotel. If you shop for price, you can get a decent price on that hotel. Likewise for the meals.

The kids aren’t the problem you think they are. You’ve got to have somebody they can spend a weekend with; their friends, grandparents, an aunt who hasn’t seen much of them. If you can’t come up with anything else, make a deal with some friends, where they take your kids for the weekend, and you do the same for them when they go for their weekend getaway.

I remember reading years ago about a boy who was asked “What’s the best day of the year?” He answered, “My parent’s anniversary.” Shocked, the questioner asked him “Why?” “Because,” he said, “my parents go away for the weekend.” Thinking that he understood, the questioner said, “Oh, you like having that weekend to yourself.” To which the child answered, “No, it’s the best day of the year, because when they do that, I know they love each other.”

Wow! You see, our children need to know that we love each other. All around them, they have friends and classmates whose parents are divorced. They feel insecure, knowing that the same thing could happen to them. Every time they hear you raise your voices to each other, that fear grips them; not fear that you’ll beat them, but fear that you’ll leave them.

We were recently counseling a couple who told us that their youngest son had brought them a piece of paper, asking them to sign it. Like any parent who has children in school, they thought it was something for school. It wasn’t. It was an agreement that the child had drawn up, to quit fussing at each other.

You’re not going to quit fussing at each other by dealing with life as it comes along. Life is guaranteed to cause you problems. You’ve got to do something special, so that you can break the cycle and just love one another. Taking a weekend to get away isn’t an expense; it’s an investment in your marriage, your happiness and your family’s security. 

Texting Your Love

You know, it’s truly amazing; women never get tired of being told that they are loved. I don’t care how many times you do it, they still want to hear it some more. I know that may seem a bit strange to you and me, but we’re not talking about how we think, but how they think.

If a woman says “I love you” to a man over and over again, he’s going to think, “Then show me.” But, women aren’t wired that way. They are much more motivated by the words than we are. To them, the words alone are enough to be a demonstration of love. Of course, that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t show our love in other ways, but we definitely need to do so with words.

When I was working away from home, I would make a point of calling my wife once a day from the office. All I was doing was calling to tell my wife that I loved her, nothing else. Yet, those few moments when I called her served to brighten her day and make her feel loved.

Technology has actually made it easier for us to tell our wives that we love them. It’s almost as if text messaging was created with that in mind. Okay, I know it’s useful for lots of other things too, but there’s no question that it’s definitely a great way to remind our wives of our love for them. Not only that, but it’s an easy way to do so, which doesn’t take much time and can be done several times a day.

You might ask, “Won’t she get tired of receiving the same message over and over again?” The simple answer is no; you’ll get tired of sending it much faster than she’ll get tired of receiving it. However, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t use a little variety. Just because she won’t get tired of it doesn’t mean she wouldn’t appreciate some other expressions of love as well. In fact, mixing up your message a bit will help grab her attention and keep your message “fresh.” So, here’s some other things you might want to consider saying:

• I miss you
• Can’t wait to see you
• Let’s find some place to hide from the kids this evening, so we can be alone
• I need you
• Can’t wait to put my arms around you
• You’re so special
• How did I end up lucky enough to get you for a wife?
• I’m counting the minutes till I see you again. Only (put in number) more to go.
• I want you
• Let’s go for a walk tonight
• Let’s go out to eat tonight
• It’s great to have you to come home to
• I feel a need to connect with you
• I was just looking at (insert name) and was thinking how glad I am that you’re my wife
• You’re the best wife in the world
• You’re everything I ever dreamed of
• I'm having trouble working, because I'm thinking of you

Hopefully, that’s enough to give you some ideas of your own. Let your imagination go wild; just avoid being crude. Women get turned off when we get crude. If you want to make any sexual references, do it obliquely, not directly; that’ll be much more palatable to her. In fact, the best way to tell her you want to make love is to say “I want to connect with you.” While that may not sound sexual to you, it will sound great to her.

Whatever you do, don’t forget the number one rule, Do it often. That’s what she needs. 

Is Her Car Okay?

There’s a joke about a woman who went into the auto parts store and asked them for the “710 Part” because she’d lost the one from her car. Of course, the salesman had no idea what she was talking about, so he asked her to describe it. She told him that it was a little round thing that sits on top of the engine, which you take off to put oil in. She never realized that she was reading it upside down.

Well, I’d have to say that she was way ahead of most women, at least as far as her knowledge of cars and engines are concerned. I don’t know about your wife, but I can show my wife 20 times how to check the oil and put it in, and she still doesn’t get it. It’s not that she’s not intelligent; it’s just that she’s not intelligent in that way. Cars, and for that matter, anything mechanical, just aren’t her thing.

So, I’ve always made allowances for that. Ever since we got married, 25 years ago, I’ve always made sure that she had the better car to drive. Although we’ve never had new cars, she always drove the newer of the old cars which we had. Even now, her car is newer than mine, with lots less miles on it.

Of course, being newer doesn’t exempt her car from having problems. Anything mechanical is going to have breakdowns every now and then. That’s why I’ve always made her car the family car. As such, I end up driving it whenever we go someplace as a family. Why? Not to keep everyone out of my car, but to make sure that her car is doing well. Since she’s not mechanical, I can’t expect her to notice if the car has a problem, that’s my job.

I remember when one of my daughters started driving. As far as cars were concerned, she was the epitome of a woman driver. Not in the sense of being a bad driver, but in the sense of not paying attention to the vehicle. I must have had to rescue her for being out of gas 30 or 40 times in that first year. She always said the same thing, “The car broke down, I know it has gas in it, because I bought some the other day.” The thing was, she bought $5.00 worth of gas, and drove it for two days.

Then there was the string of power steering pumps she went through. I must have changed the power steering pump on one car seven times. It had a slow leak which I couldn’t find, so I kept telling her to add fluid. Of course, she didn’t. She didn’t even notice that the car had problems until the battery went dead because the belt fell off.

The topper to all this was that she destroyed two cars for not checking the oil. Yep, seized two engines in the same year. The only good thing I can say about that was that they were both old junkers, so it really wasn’t much of a loss.

What’s the point of all this? Simple, don’t expect your wife to check the car herself, she’s not equipped for that. She’s equipped to put the key in it and push the gas pedal, that’s about it. Expecting more from her really isn’t fair. You need to do that for her.

I don’t know about you, but I tend to get a bit nervous when my wife is late coming home from somewhere. Not that I don’t trust my wife, just that I don’t trust the world around her. There are plenty of things which can go wrong, none of which are her fault. One thing I don’t want to go wrong is her car breaking down and causing her problems. Taking care of her car is helping to take care of her too.

What Good Does it do to Complain?

I’ve come to the conclusion that the world is full of complainers. There are the garden variety complainers who complain now and then about something or other, there are the specialists who regularly complain about their pet peeve and then there are the pros, who can complain about anything, any time and do so voraciously.

Regardless of which type of complainer you are, you probably fit into one of those three categories. I mean, we all have things we complain about, don’t we? Okay, so let me ask you a question. How much good has all your complaining ever done? Huh? Have you ever seen anything improve because you complained about it?

Now, I’m not talking about sending your undercooked steak back to the kitchen in some restaurant; that can actually do some good. No, I’m talking about complaining about things in life. Have you ever complained about something in life and actually seen some positive change come out of it?

I seriously doubt that you have. Now, let me ask you another question. Have you ever seen anything bad come out of your complaining? If you think about it, you’d pretty much have to answer yes to that question. You see, complaints are negative. When we start acting negative, it acts as an infection, spreading and infecting those around us.

Let’s say that you’re eating dinner at home and start complaining about the way your wife cooked the meal; I guarantee you that your negativity will spread to your wife, and quickly too. She’ll definitely take your complaints personally. But, what if you were to complain about something at work instead; will that affect her? Yes! Even though the complaint isn’t about her, it will be about something that affects someone close to her; you. That will affect her, because women are empathetic.

So, instead of bringing about a positive result, you’ve just succeeded in bringing about a negative result. Now, if you want to try and experiment, try kissing your wife after complaining about something. While she might kiss you back, it’ll just be a peck, not any sort of passionate kiss. She’ll hug you, because that’s something that empathetic people do to comfort others, but there will be nothing of intimacy in that hug, it’ll be more like she’s hugging one of the kids.

Negativity spreads and infects those around us. Complaining is one of the mechanisms which are used to convey that negativity; so, we need to learn to zip our lips and shut off our own complaining. That way, we don’t infect our wives with it.

That doesn’t mean that we should totally internalize our complaints. As guys, we can be pretty good at that. But, that’s not healthy. Keeping those complaints inside can cause them to eat away at us like an acid. So, we need to find a non-destructive way of getting rid of them.

That can be done with co-workers, by shooting some hoops or by sticking them on a dart board and throwing darts at them. I dispel mine by writing satires about them (okay, that might not work for you). But, you know the best way to get rid of complaints; it’s to do something about them. Yep, working on the solution to the problem which you are complaining about is the best way to get rid of the complaint. Not only that, buy you might actually succeed in doing some good.

Whatever you do, don’t dump your complaint on your wife; that’s definitely unromantic. If you need to share it with her (and you should), disarm the complaint first. In other words, get the bitterness out of it, before you share it. That way, you’re sharing your life and concerns with her (which she wants and needs) without sharing the negativity. You’re letting her be part of your life, but not forcing her to carry your burden. You’re protecting her from yourself, or at least the negative part of yourself, while still maintaining the communication necessary to maintain intimacy in your hearts.

Home Décor

You know, it may not be all that important to you, but how your home looks is really important to your wife. While you can be happy anywhere, with any type of furniture, with or without pictures on the walls, to her those things are important. The home is the place of the family; the most important people in your wife’s world. So that makes her home important to her as well.

Women like to decorate their homes. I can just imagine a couple of birds, building their nests. The guy would be making sure that the sticks they use are strong enough to support the weight of his family and are well attached to the branch, for security. On the other hand, she’d ignore all that and be concerned about how soft it was, putting a leaf here or a flower there. In fact, if you counted on her to build it all, it’d probably be beautiful, but missing the floor. He’d be sure to have the floor, but it would look like a garbage can.

Well we’re really not all that different. Women complain that they could leave a basket of clean laundry in the middle of the living room for a whole week, and as long as it wasn’t in the way of the television, their husbands would ignore it (except to step over it). We just don’t pay that much attention.

I’m not saying that you should become an interior decorator, but it sure wouldn’t hurt for you to open your eyes and see what your house looks like on the inside. You might even see something that you like (that is, something besides your wife).

It would also do wonders for your wife’s appreciation of you if you took a bit of an interest in how the home is decorated. No; I’m not talking about hanging a deer head over the fireplace. I’m talking about figuring out what she wants it to look like, and helping make it that way. Is she going for a modern look? Or, maybe she’s into antiques? How about retro, is that her look? You don’t know? Not surprising. You know, you could always ask.

Yes, believe it, or not, you can ask your wife what decorating style she’s going for. And while that may make you look like you don’t know anything about interior decorating; it’ll also make it look like you are interested in her and what she wants. That’s the important part.

Okay, now that you know what style she’s after, what can you do to help? Does some wall or some room need to be painted? Does she need a knick-knack shelf for the wall? Could you maybe find something decorative on e-Bay that would fit the style she’s going for?

Remember, when you take an interest in what she’s interested in, she sees it as you taking an interest in her. So, your taking an interest in how the house looks directly translates in her mind to an interest in the family, along with you valuing her opinions and desires. That’s important, because that’s dealing directly with who she is.

Panty of the Month Club

Gosh, it’s been a whole month now since Valentine’s Day. Let me ask you something. How many romantic gifts have you given to your wife since Valentine’s Day? Or, are you like most guys and think that since you did such a good job on Valentine’s Day, you get to take a ride for a bit?

Careful about that. An attitude like that can quickly drag you back into the ranks of the unromantic. Yes, Valentine’s Day is extremely romantic and I’m sure you took care of your wife on that day, but that doesn’t mean you should go on vacation from being romantic. Instead, you should use that day to spring you up to a higher level, and then continue to build upon your wife’s new, more romantic image of you.

Building upon that new image is easy; it just means that you keep being romantic towards her. You don’t have to do bigger things or more complicated things, you just have to keep doing things. Whatever you do, don’t let that slide.

There are five basic categories of romantic acts:

• Words (saying “I love you” calling her by a pet name)
• Gifts (flowers, jewelry, trinkets)
• Special Times (date night, meeting at your coffee shop)
• Special Days (anniversaries, Valentine’s Day, Christmas)
• Acts of Service (helping with the dishes, giving her a massage)

It’s important to keep the mix going and get all of these in as part of your romantic strategy. Leaving one out can be devastating. In fact, it can be sufficiently devastating that it annuls all the other romantic acts you’ve done.

So, here’s a gift idea that will keep on giving. There are several companies which offer a “Panty of the Month Club” service. A quick search on the Internet will reveal them to you. All you have to do is to sign up for the service, and every month, they’ll send a nicely packaged sexy panty to your wife. You get points for sending her a gift a month, even though you aren’t having to go shopping once a month. How’s that for a deal?

Now, you want to be careful about this. Don’t overdo it. Most of these services offer a variety of options, specifically on the types of panties they send. If your wife doesn’t wear thongs, don’t have them send thongs. That won’t come across as a romantic gift, but rather that you’re trying to be pushy. Be sure to get the size right too, or they won’t do her any good. You can check her size by checking what she’s currently got in her drawer.

While some may think of this as a strictly self-serving gift, I’d have to disagree. Granted, I’m sure you’re going to like seeing her in those sexy panties. But, she’s going to like seeing herself in them too. All women want to be pretty, and sexy panties make them feel prettier. Even if she would never spend that much to buy them herself, she’ll enjoy how she thinks of herself in them.

Can’t afford those services? I can understand, they can be a bit steep. Okay, so don’t despair, just do it yourself. Go buy the panties yourself and mail them to her once a month. You won’t get the convenience of not having to think about it, but you will save money. Just be sure to wrap it up very pretty, and make it look like it came direct from the store. With a few minutes at the computer and a little bit of creativity, she won’t be able to tell the difference. 

Sticking Love All Around

I’m always looking for new ways to tell my wife that I love her. It seems that she never gets tired of that. It’s almost like she’s got an insatiable appetite for hearing those three words. Regardless of what happens in our lives, she needs to be reaffirmed of my love for her.

Actually, that is a real need for women. It probably has something to do with the negative side of their nature. If they don’t constantly hear that they are loved, then they start to think that they are unloved. Of course, we’re just as bad, only we aren’t as interested in the words and in some sort of action that shows that we are loved.

I have to give credit to my daughter for this one. She was heading off to college after the Christmas holidays. The night before leaving, she was walking all around the house with a pad of sticky notes and a marker, putting “I Love You” notes all over the place. Of course, they were signed by her and not by me, but I thought “what a wonderful, romantic idea.” Granted, she wasn’t trying to be romantic, just be loving; but aren’t the two more or less the same?

So, grab yourself a pad of sticky notes; better yet, go buy a pad of heart shaped sticky notes and put them to work. Make sure you pick a wide variety of places, some obvious and some that she won’t find for a while. That way, when she finds them, it’ll be a nice surprise for her.