Sunrise, Sunset

Every couple I’ve ever met struggles with finding enough time to be together. Yet, while many fail in that struggle, there are a few I’ve known who succeed in finding ways to make time for each other. Some of those ways are rather imaginative, as they have had to work around jobs, kids and every other interruption that life throws our way.

You see, those who have time for each other aren’t a special category of people. They aren’t people who don’t have to work for a living or who never have their car break down. Their children aren’t any better behaved than anybody else’s and their bosses aren’t particularly understanding about their personal live. The one and only thing that make these people stand out from all the other couples I know is that they make a special effort to make time for one another.

Yes, making time to be together as a couple is an effort. It doesn’t happen automatically, it only happens when we make it happen. So, the real question isn’t whether or not we have time to spend together, it’s whether or not we make time to spend together.

That may require setting something aside that was taking time better spent on your marriage. It may require coming up with some new ideas. It may require using a bit of imagination. There’s always a way to make time to be together, if both parties are willing to make some adjustments in their lives.

My wife and I are on very different schedules. I’m an early riser and she’s a night owl. So, the idea of spending time together early in the morning is totally out of the question. We have trouble spending any time together in the evening as well, because she teaches classes then. So, it’s rather hard to have a weekly date night. We have to do something different.

Our date time is going out to lunch together. That’s the time that works best for both our schedules. It’s not ideal, but it’s a whole lot better than not spending any time together at all.

I remember the years that we were living in the motorhome, traveling in the ministry. That motorhome was our vehicle, house, office and school for our kids. There was no such thing as privacy during those years. Even the door to our “bedroom” was an iffy thing, not closing all the way. So, if we wanted time together, we’d have to find a way to get away from the kids.

Many a time, our time alone was walking through a Wal-Mart; not buying, just walking. Granted, that’s not the most romantic of date settings, but at least we were together, without anyone else bothering us. We’d wait until the kids went to bed, then we’d take our walk together. Those few minutes alone together were very precious to us.

Okay, here’s another idea; one that’s so easy, that we should all be able to do it. Take the time to watch the sunrise or sunset together. Fix yourselves a cup of coffee or tea, find a nice quiet place, snuggle up together and watch the birth of a new day. What’s that? You don’t like getting up early? No problem, get up to watch the sunrise, and then go back to bed. Or, the other thing you can do is to watch the sunset together, instead of the sunrise.

There’s something special about watching a sunrise or sunset together. I don’t know what it is, but just sitting there quietly; watching the changing colors as the light from the sun hits the clouds and upper atmosphere is awesome. To me, it reminds me of how great God is and how insignificant we are.

There’s a stillness at those times of day as well, especially for the sunrise. Nothing to disturb you and nothing to distract you; just the two of you alone with nature. You should try it sometime.

Dancin'

I once heard it said that dance was a vertical expression of a horizontal idea. Now, I don’t know if that’s true or not, but I do know that dance, in and of itself, is a great idea. It doesn’t need to express anything else, because it expresses its own idea; that of moving and working together in a beautiful way.

My wife and I met dancing; not in a night club or anything like that, but doing international folk dancing. We were part of a recreational group that got together every Saturday night to dance the old dances from much of Europe and around the world. It was good clean, wholesome fun that people of all ages could do, and it was a great way to get to know each other in a non-threatening environment.

Dancing together as a couple is a great lesson in working together. For two people to move as one, one needs to lead and the other follow. In dance, the man is supposed to lead, while the woman follows. However, it’s amazing how many couples have that mixed up. The woman leads, while the man follows. Whenever I see that, I have to wonder what that says about the rest of their marriage. If she can’t follow him on the dance floor, how can she follow him through the perils of life? If he can’t lead her on the dance floor, how can he lead her through a crisis?

Dance is also great social intercourse. It’s a way of joining together in an activity that is intimate and invigorating, physical while building trust in one another. A couple who can dance well together can move through many other things in life together as well.

One great thing about dance is that it can be done anywhere. You don’t have to go out to dance; you can do it in the living room, your bedroom, even the back yard. Just put on some music, grab your wife and dance. Why not?

It’s interesting to note that dance has been a major part of social intercourse throughout history. While there are many different styles of dance, it has always been a part of how people related to each other, especially between the sexes. In fact, in times past, when dating didn’t exist, one of the few socially acceptable ways of meeting available members of the opposite sex was through dance.

There’s probably a fairly good chance that you and your wife danced when you were dating. Now, I’ll have to say that what passes itself off as dancing today doesn’t have the grace and style of times past. Nor is much of it very intimate. Nevertheless, what we refer to today as slow dancing provides much of the same time together that older styles of dance did.

Many communities offer dance lessons of one sort or another, so don’t try and use your lack of ability as an excuse. Sign up to take some lessons together, get out and learn how to dance with your wife.

Even more important than the lessons though is taking the opportunity to just do it. Put on some music and dance with her. Don’t worry about your two left feet or the kids making fun of you, enjoy yourselves together. 

Vacations are Important Too

As guys, it’s really easy for us to get a bit of tunnel vision, focusing on our work and forgetting about everything else. Granted, if you’re reading this blog, you’re probably trying to focus on something other than your work, like your marriage. But still, even with that, it’s real easy for us to get dragged back into putting all our time and energy into our work, forgetting to spend time with those who are close to us.

We all need to take time to get away from our work every once in a while and focus on other things. Yeah, I know, you don’t make any money when you’re not working, right? I face the same problem. Nobody gives me two weeks of paid vacation so that I can sit around the swimming pool or pet the bears either. Nevertheless, that doesn’t mean that I should work 52 weeks per year. I need time off too.

I won’t even pretend that vacations are relaxing, because they aren’t. If anything, there more stressful than work is; especially if you think about the money you’re going to be spending. But that’s not the point. The point is to get away. More specifically, the point is to get away with those who you love, so that you can spend some time focused on them, rather than being focused on your job.

You see, more than anything, vacations are a great bonding time. They’re a time when we can get together as a family and just be a family. Yes, they’re a time when we can spend time doing fun things, but more importantly, they’re a time when we can do things together.

That’s what it’s really all about; doing things together. Every relationship needs those times together, in order to be nurtured and stay healthy. Without those times, it’s all too easy for a relationship to fall into disrepair, becoming non-functional and headed for disaster.

Of course, the other excuse that people use for not going on vacation is the cost. Granted, going somewhere on vacation is expensive. I know, I just bought the tickets. But that doesn’t mean that all vacations have to be expensive. It’s possible to go on vacation, without spending a fortune. While expensive vacations can be nice, they aren’t necessary. Quality vacation time is about spending time together, not spending money together.

Whenever you invest time in your marriage and family it pays dividends. Maybe they aren’t dividends that you can see right away, but they’re there nevertheless. Those dividends come into play at times we don’t expect and in ways that we don’t expect. They help the family through the hard times, when we need something to help us stick together and not turn on each other.

You see, without investing time in family relationships, we don’t have that reserve of “sticky glue” to keep us from falling apart in a crisis. The same thing applies to our marriages. Yet, when we do invest time in our family life, going on vacation or other family activities, we’re better able to face everything the world can throw at us.

One last point. You may be wondering why I’m even mentioning this on a blog that’s about romance. Believe it or not, spending time together as a family is romantic. I know, it may not seem like it is, but it is. Your children are very important to your wife. She needs to know that you are as committed to them as you are to her. Otherwise, her loyalties are going to be divided between you and them. If you want to work together as a team, you have to build the team. That means taking time to do so. When you show your wife that you’re concerned enough about the family to spend time together, you eliminate one worry for her, making it easier for her to pay attention to you.

Work Out Together

It’s hard for most couples to find time to spend together or even something that they can do together as a couple. That doesn’t mean that it’s impossible, just that we have to work at it a little more than we might want to. Yet, it’s through the time that we spend together, in a variety of pursuits, that we are able to draw closer together or maintain our relationship.

Simply put, investing time in your relationship is investing time in your marriage. That makes it worthwhile, in and of itself. Your work isn’t more important than your marriage, yet all too often; it’s treated as if it is.

One of the tricks to spending time together is to find something that you are going to do on a regular basis and put it on your schedule. I’ve talked a number of times about making Friday night your date night. For my wife and I, our date time is Wednesday lunch. It’s the same idea, just a different time. We’ve also added another regular activity to that, that of working out together at the gym.

I’ve got to confess, I’m not real excited about this one. While I go to the gym with my wife, I’ll have to say that I do so reluctantly. Not reluctant to go there with her, just reluctant to go work out at all. However, we were forced into the place of making some decisions about our health, and part of those decisions was that we needed to exercise.

Maybe you haven’t hit that point in your life yet, but for many of us, reaching 50 is the great equalizer. Things start happening to the body at about 50, which we never through would happen to us. When they do, we’re stuck with the problem of what to do about it. We can go on like nothing has happened (which many people do) or we can start making some lifestyle changes; especially in the areas of diet and exercise.

While working out together isn’t the most fun thing that I can think of doing, it is something that we can do together. Having an exercise buddy makes working out a little bit easier, as you can encourage one another; and who better to be an exercise buddy, than your best friend, your wife?

Besides the time you get to spend together and the encouragement you can give to one another, there are some very tangible benefits to going to the gym together. More than anything, it will help keep both of you younger, longer. Which is better, gong to the gym, or becoming an invalid in your old age? You see, my wife and I don’t go to the gym to try and get our bodies buff; we go to try and maintain or even improve our health. That way, we can enjoy our life together all that much longer, instead of one of us having to be a nurse to the other.

There are some gifts in life which are even more important than flowers and chocolate, one of them is health. By getting a gym membership together, then using that membership together, you are giving each other the gift of health. That says that you care about her.

Now, if you’re the sports fanatic type or the bodybuilder type and your wife isn’t, she may not see a membership to the gym as a gift. In fact, she’ll probably see it as a complaint; you complaining that you’re not satisfied with her (especially her body) the way she is. Be careful about that. You want to approach it from a viewpoint of wanting her to stay healthy, so the two of you can enjoy your marriage that much longer, not “you need to work out.” By approaching it correctly and being patient, you can convince her.

If you do work out together, never forget to encourage her. Don’t expect her to be as strong as you, able to lift as much weight as you or to have as much endurance as you. Women aren’t built like men. Their bodies have a different type of strength. Compliment her on what she does and on the progress she makes. A switch from 5 lbs. to 10 lbs. on a particular machine is still a 100% increase, no matter how you look at it. That’s worth celebrating.

Start Your Day with Prayer

One of the standard pieces of marriage advice that many Christian counselors give is to make sure that you take the time to pray together. While that is great advice, many couples struggle to find a time when they can actually take a few minutes to sit down and pray. Our hurry-up-and-wait schedule seems to make it extremely hard to find time to say “Hi” to each other, let alone sit down and pray together.

My wife and I work out of our home. In addition to the ministry, we both have businesses that we run out of our home. You’d think that would make it easy for us to find time together, especially time to pray. Unfortunately, it’s not all that easy. Even though we share an office, share a bedroom, and even occasionally eat together, it’s hard to find time to pray together. Not that we don’t pray, but we have trouble finding a time to pray together. Our schedules just don’t seem to mesh all that well.

We find some great wisdom for this in Genesis, where it says that God “walked with Adam in the cool of the day.” I had always thought of that as the evening; that is, I thought that way until I moved to South Texas. Evenings here aren’t cool, their hot. The cool of the day is the early morning, before the sun has a chance to heat things up.

So, in other words, Adam communed with God before doing anything else. If you think about it, that really makes sense. Why do anything else, before taking time out to talk to God about it? If we don’t take the time to get with God, then we’re setting ourselves up for problems.

Okay, so what does this have to do with marriage? Well, an important part of your prayer every day should be to pray God’s protection over your wife. So, make sure you do that. Before either of you leave the house in the morning, grab her hand and pray for God’s protection and blessing over her.

Even if you only take a minute to pray together, that’s probably better than what you’re doing now. Granted, it would be much better if you could spend some serious prayer time together. But, you know something? If you wait until you can find some serious prayer time that you can have together, you’re probably never going to find time that you can pray together. However, if you start out small, you’ve got the opportunity for growth.

Your wife needs your prayers. The world in which we live is a dangerous one, especially for women. That few minutes of prayer in the morning might be the only thing that keeps your wife safe that day. Would you deny her that? No, not willingly, but you might do so by forgetting to pray.

Read Together

As I’ve said more than once, spending time together is a major part of being romantic. Love, without time, tends to wither, like a plant that isn’t given water. I guess that we could say that spending time together is the way that we water the garden of our love.

Of course, spending time together doesn’t mean just sitting in front of the television, vegetating. For that time to be valuable, it has to be spent doing something together, not just being in each other’s presence. My wife and I share an office. I have my desk with my computer to work on and she has hers. But, just because we’re in the office working at the same time, doesn’t mean that we’re spending time together. For it to count as time together, we’ve got to be focused on one another.

Finding activities where we are actually focused on one another, instead of just focused on something else in each other’s presence, adds another layer of complexity to the equation. Other than taking, which a lot of us guys aren’t all that comfortable doing, it can be hard finding things to do together, where we’re really together and not just in the same room.

One activity which we can do together as a couple, where we can be focused on each other is to read together. Now, it’s obvious that to do this, you’ll have to find a book which you’ll both be interested in. I guarantee you that your wife isn’t going to be interested in reading a car repair manual with you; nor can I see her wanting to spend time together reading about how to prepare your own income taxes.

The best books for this are marriage and relationship related ones. There are a lot of good marriage related books out there, which you can actually enjoy together. Who knows, you might even learn something about how to have a better marriage, while you’re at it.

Another benefit to reading these types of books together is that they help you to talk about your relationship. You see, reading together isn’t just reading what’s on the page, but interjecting your own comments, talking about the ideas that the book is presenting and come up with your own ways of integrating those ideas into your marriage.

I’d recommend starting with something that’s not going to be threatening to either of you; like Smalley’s “The Language of Love,” or Gary Chapman’s “The Five Love Languages,” or even Harley’s “His Needs, Her Needs.” These books are more about understanding each other, than telling one or the other of you that you need to do something. That’s what makes them non-threatening. On the other hand, a book which says “you need to do this to be a good husband” or “you need to do this to be a good wife” can come across as an attack.

Remember, you want to be able to talk about what you’re reading. That can only happen when you’re reading something that is non-threatening. If you pick a book that attacks one of you, then the possibility of positive conversation is greatly limited.

Enjoy taking some time to learn something new together. Not only will it be a great way of spending time together, but it will also be a great way of learning to know each other even better. 

A Stroll by the Light of the Moon

As we all know, romance requires time. It’s impossible to be truly romantic if one isn’t willing to spend time with their wife. It doesn’t matter how much money you spend on flowers and gifts, if you never get to spend any time together, they aren’t going to make her feel loved.

Finding time to spend together can be a real challenge in our hurry-up, hustle and bustle world. It’s even worse if you’ve got kids. It almost seems like those kids have a conspiracy set up between them, to make sure that their parents can’t get any time alone together. You finally get them all in bed, sit down on the sofa to spend a few minutes together and one or another of them pop out of bed. It doesn’t matter what the reason, they’ll make one up if they have to.

Well, we’re bigger than the kids, we’ve got more experience, more education; so, we ought to be able to come up with a way to outsmart them, and get that few minutes alone. Actually, it’s not all that hard; all we have to do is leave the house. That way, when they try to interrupt us in the living room, they can’t find us.

Now, I realize that you probably aren’t all that comfortable leaving your kids in the house alone; and your wife is even less comfortable. But, I’m not talking about leaving them alone and going away for a few hours; I’m talking about leaving them alone in bed for a few minutes, while you stay in sight of the house.

You see, just getting out of the house, to walk down your street and back can be romantic. That is, it can be romantic if you manage to get the time alone together. That’s really what it’s about, not the walking, but getting to be together, without interruptions.

A nice, slow stroll, hand in hand, up and down your own street may not seem like the most romantic thing you’ve ever done, but it’s still romantic. Romance doesn’t require money; nor does it require elaborate planning. Romance is an expression of love, and one of the ways in which we can express love is by just spending time together.

Remember, this isn’t about making it a race, nor is it about getting exercise, it’s about spending a few minutes alone together. if you can’t make yourself walk slowly, then maybe you’d be better off sitting on the porch. Either way, enjoy the evening, the breeze, the stars, the moon, and most of all, enjoy some time just for the two of you.

Not for the Faint of Heart

Okay, I’m warning you. Before you read this one, make sure you’re ready. This isn’t for the faint of heart, but just for those who are truly ready to do whatever it takes to be romantic. Remember the verse that says, “Greater love hath no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” Well, this is going to be a real-world application of that verse.

Are you a sports fan? Do you enjoy watching the game, maybe shooting some hoops, a little touch football with your buds? Have you ever heard of the women’s favorite sport? Yep, you bet, they have one too. Only, it’s a bit different than our idea of sports. I guess that makes sense, since they’re women.

Well, let me introduce you to their favorite sport. Are you ready? It’s called… shopping. Yep, that’s their idea of sports. Granted, there might be one or two women in the world who don’t like to go shopping, but that’s it. Women are genetically pre-disposed to shopping. Yep, they’ve got the shopping gene, something that us guys don’t have. It must be stuck on the X chromosome that we don’t have.

If you really want to get specific about that shopping chromosome, it’s not just about shopping, although that is great in and of itself, but about clothes shopping. If there’s anything that would be considered the peak of sensual enjoyment for a woman, it’s an entire day of clothes shopping.

Now, this term “shopping” requires some definition, because women and men don’t define that word the same. For a man, going shopping means going to the store, finding what you need and getting out the door as fast as we possibly can. We’re all shooting for the world’s record in who can have the shortest shopping trip.

When my wife was teaching full-time, I ended up doing the grocery shopping on a regular basis. I had it down to a system, I’ll tell you. I had my shopping list pre-printed, with all the standard stuff we used in the house, organized by categories to make it easier to find. Before I left the house, I’d check that list, to be sure I knew exactly what we needed. Then, when I hit the front of the store, I had a specific pattern I’d take through the aisles, to maximize my shopping efficiency and not waste a single step. I could go from in the door to out the door in 30 minutes flat, with enough groceries organized by categories in my reusable shopping bags to feed my family for a week.

Once, I needed to go grocery shopping with my wife and our office assistant in tow. When we walked out the door in under thirty minutes, they were shell shocked. They couldn’t believe I’d actually done it. The office assistant kept babbling something about never being in a store for so short a time.

Okay, that’s male shopping; but, I’ve got to tell you, female shopping has absolutely nothing in common. You see, guys are hunters, while women are gatherers. To them, it’s not about the goal of buying something, that’s a side issue. Nor is it about the idea of getting done. No, what they’re after is the experience of shopping. Yep, that’s right, they enjoy just looking, touching, trying on and sorting through all that stuff.

I realize that sounds unbelievable, but it’s true. A woman can enjoy herself shopping, even without spending one single dime. It doesn’t matter if they find what they’re looking for or not, just that they got to go shopping. Even better, that they got to go shopping with a friend; sharing the experience.

Okay, so what does that have to do with you? Simple, you’re supposed to be your wife’s best friend. So, what do best friends do together? If they’re estrogen driven, they go shopping; even if they’re stressed out. In fact, I’d have to say especially if they’re stressed out. It’s called “shopping therapy,” which is even better for them than “beauty parlor therapy.”

So, your mission, if you should decide to accept it, is to go shopping with your wife. I don’t mean going to buy the groceries, I mean going clothes shopping. Yep, go help her enjoy picking through all the clothes, trying things on and just plain enjoying the experience of it.

Now, I know this may not sound like fun to you, so let me give you a few survival tips. First of all, bring something to do, like a good book or your iPad. You’re going to get bored, so you’d better be prepared. Secondly, be sure to bring a tall cold drink with you. You’re going to need it, as you cross that desert of women’s clothes. Third, be sure to wear comfortable shoes; you’ve never walked so far in your life.

The last preparatory activity is the most important. Go through her closet. Check sizes, colors and styles, so you have an idea what she might be interested in. You’ll want to at least look like you know something about clothes.

You need to do a little more than sit in some corner with your book and drink though. You do need to spend at least some of the time looking at stuff with her. Actually, if you really want to gain some brownie points, take a quick turn around the store and find something for her to try on, preferably something that you think she’d look good in. That’ll really make you part of the team.

Here’s the other important part, make sure that you sit where you can see her come out of the dressing room, when she’s trying all that stuff on. That way, you can make comments on it. Just try and keep your comments as upbeat as possible; but don’t lie. Don’t tell her that something looks great on her, if it doesn’t. Just suggest that she try something else.

Remember, it’s not about getting in and out as fast as possible. Don’t plan on getting out quick, plan on spending lots of time there with her. Let her drag it out and enjoy it. That’s why you brought a good book with you.

So, are you up to the challenge? Can you hack it? She’ll love it if you do.

Getting Rid of the Week’s Stress

Well, Friday’s finally rolled around again. Time to shift gears, forget about work, kick off your shoes, stretch out and relax a bit. Ahhh! Everyone looks forward to Friday, the opportunity to stop being a functionary and start being a person once again.

You know, it’s a whole lot easier for most guys to shift gears and enter relax mode than it is for our wives. Women tend to get emotionally involved in everything they do, making it harder to just let go and forget about it. Even when they stop thinking about work, they’re concerned about the people who they work with. If a co-worker has problems in their marriage or with their kids, or a grandmother who’s in the hospital, they care about all that as well.

Even when she finally let’s go of work, she’s still got a bunch of things which she’s concerned about. The house has to be cleaned, the clothes have to get washed, and somehow she’s got to find an hour or two to run to the grocery store to stock up the kitchen for the next week. That old saying about a woman’s work never being done is true.

With so much on her mind, it’s no wonder that women find it hard to just take some time to relax. For us guys, it’s no problem. Let us collapse on the sofa with a drink in one hand and the remote in the other, and we just unplug. No problems, no worries, just chill.

Okay, so if our wives have so much trouble relaxing, wouldn’t it make sense that we help them out a bit? I mean, if we’re the experts, then we really ought to share our expertise with our wives and let them get some advantage from it as well. There are some things that she’s better at and some things which you’re better at. She shares her expertise with you and you should share yours with her.

Some time back, I recommended that you take Friday night as your date night. That wasn’t just because Friday is the traditional date night, but so that going on a date could set the tone of your weekend. When you start the weekend off together, you’re much more likely to spend the whole weekend together, even if you have chores to do. There’s nothing that says you can’t do those chores together.

Even if you don’t go out on a date on Friday, you should still set that time aside for the two of you. Friday evening needs to become your official “change gears” time. To do that requires relaxing more than anything else. Whether that relaxing involves going out on a date, going to the gym together, watching a movie together or soaking in a hot tub.

Everyone has something that helps them relax. What you need to do is find something that helps the two of you relax together. If a workout at the gym helps you relax, but your wife hates it, that’s not going to do much good. If shopping helps her relax, but you’re gritting your teeth the whole time, that’s not going to do much better. It needs to be something that’s relaxing for both of you. Even more so, it needs to be something relaxing that you can do together. That’s why making it a date night works so well.

The other important thing to do to help her relax on Friday night is a massage. Massages are a great way to relieve stress and help anyone forget the stress of work and life in general. So, maybe you should make a Friday night massage part of your weekly date routine. Get home, go in the bedroom, turn down the lights, and give her a massage. Where it goes from there is up to you (and her too). 

Facing Problems Together

In case you haven’t noticed, life is full of problems. Maybe it doesn’t seem that way to you, but it sure seems that way to me. Every day has its own collection of problems which have to be dealt with, whether we want to or not. In fact, problems are so prevalent in our world, that I’ve only found one way to get away from them all… that’s to die.

The bigger problem isn’t the problem itself, but rather the problems that the problems can cause. I mean, the problems themselves are bad enough, but how we react to them can actually cause us more problems.

What’s our first reaction when a problem comes along? I don’t mean the little problems, we can usually handle those; no, I’m talking about the biggies. How do we react to those? For most of us, our reaction is to explode in some way or another; normally exploding at those who are closest to us. That can cause problems; especially when the person we’re exploding at is our wife. Ouch! A momentary stress-filled explosion, turns into a week of getting the cold shoulder.

I learned a number of years ago that the best thing I can do when those big problems come along is to shut my mouth and keep it shut. That way, I can’t say anything destructive. I don’t want to shut my mouth, but if I can succeed in doing so, then I can avoid saying anything destructive.

When I’m faced with problems, I need my wife’s support. If I can manage to keep my cool, then I usually have it. But, when I explode, I lose it. So, it’s really to my benefit to keep my mouth under control. I end up gaining more than I lose. My wife and I go through the problem together.

Here’s the really great part. Did you know that facing those problems together builds intimacy in your marriage? As crazy as that sounds it’s true. Let me take it out of the context of marriage for a moment. Soldiers who go to war together form extremely strong lifelong friendships. Even if they have nothing else in common, coming from different socio-economic, ethnic and cultural groups, they share the problem they’ve faced together. From then on, they’re friends for life.

That’s a key word, “together.” When we face problems together, it brings us closer together. We won’t see that in the midst of the problem, but we will see it afterwards. The simple fact that we’ve faced the giant together and defeated it together draws us closer.

Now, I’m sure you’re not anxious to look for problems to face together with your wife. Don’t worry, I’m not suggesting that you do. What I am suggesting is that you take advantage of the problems which naturally come along. When they come, face them together, holding each other up. That simple act will strengthen your marriage, bringing you closer together, especially when you can share the fruit of your victory together.

Give Her the Day

Every couple struggles with having enough time to be together. Oh, they might both be in the same house or even in the same room, but that’s not the same as being together. To truly be together means that you are paying attention to each other, not that you are paying attention to everything else around you. It means that you are either talking to each other or doing something together which requires communication with each other. Watching television doesn’t count.

I’m sure you’ve heard about “quality time.” Well, what makes one time more “quality” than another? It has to be the focus of the time; in other words, it’s only quality time when your focus is each other. Anything else is just time passing.

So, surprise your wife today and give her time, quality time that is. Drop whatever it is you’re doing, grab your wife, get in the car, start driving and ask her, “Okay, now that we’re going, where do you want to go so that we can spend some quality time together?” Wait till you’re going, before you ask though, as you don’t want to give her the opportunity to come up with excuses about what she has to do, etc. etc. etc.

Just in case she can’t come up with something off the top of her head, here’s a few ideas:

• Go to your favorite coffee shop and sit there staring soulfully into each other’s eyes while talking.
• Go get ice cream… along with the staring soulfully, etc.
• Take her to the mall and just look at stuff.
• Go to some cute little boutique that the two of you had seen, but never managed to stop in at.
• Take a walk in the park.

The thing isn’t so much where you go as it is that you go there together and do something together. It doesn’t even matter if you spend a lot of money, it isn’t about the money, it’s about the two of you. You both need that time, although she is probably much more aware of her need than you are. Just take some time to enjoy each other’s presence, without having to be someplace or get something done.

Okay, so maybe there’s a few practical details that need to be worked out, like someone to watch the kids; well, work them out. Do it without her knowing. That just helps add to the surprise. You’re trying to make her feel like she’s the most important person in your world. That isn’t going to happen if you make her call the babysitter and work out all the other details.

Enjoy the time. That’s what it’s about. If there’s something that absolutely has to get done, then that’s okay. You can arrange to get back in time for that. But don’t let it get in the way of the time you are together. Forget about it for that time, don’t sit there thinking about it. Focus on her.

Those Long Winter Evenings

There are a number of things in our modern culture, which can trace their roots back to the pioneering days, when the country was expanding and most people were farmers. Take our school schedule, for example. Families would have to work together to plow the land, plant the seed and bring in the harvest. So, summer vacations were about working with the family, not lazing around the swimming pool. Even though we’ve long since left being an agricultural society, we still have that same school schedule.

Another thing that went along with that society was that wintertime was a time for staying indoors, mending harnesses, sewing a quilt and reading stories around the fire. Many families read the Bible from cover to cover on those cold nights. Oh sure, they had to go out to the barn to care for the livestock; but the outdoor work was left to only true necessities in those months.

Well, as we all know, life has changed and changed a lot. Even so, other than those who go skiing and ice skating, most of us spend our winters indoors, trying to escape the cold and the snow. The only time we go outside is when we need to; either to go somewhere, to work or to shovel the snow.

There’s something to be said about those long evenings around the fire. Whether spent as family time or as couple time, there’s something about sitting in front of the fire, with a nice warm drink, just enjoying each other’s company. I’d say that’s even more important for us today, when life has us running around in circles so much that we normally only see each other in passing.

Why not take advantage of those long winter evenings? Go back to the old tradition, put a fire in the fireplace (or just pretend, if you don’t have one) and spend some time together on the sofa. Make some hot cocoa, read a book to each other, talk about some off the wall topic (not problems) and whatever you do, don’t turn on the television. Just enjoy each other.

The gift your wife wants more than anything is you. It’s not your money she’s after or someone to change the oil in her car. She wants some quality time, where you’re paying attention to each other… you know… like you did when you were dating.