Give Her Your Best

I was recently in a situation where I had somewhat of a marriage counseling marathon, with a number of appointments back-to-back. Putting up with a number of couples who appeared to want to argue in front of me, justifying themselves to me, while stabbing their partner in the back wasn’t my idea of a good time.

One thing stood out in all that time, that was that it seemed that all those couples had forgotten one important thing… their wedding vows. Do you remember them? You know, all that stuff about loving and protecting in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, in wealth or poverty. Those were some pretty powerful words back then; whatever happened to them?

It seems to me that there’s something implicit in the wedding vows about always being there for the other person; always giving them your best. It clearly says something about always loving them, so that should imply giving them your best, all by itself.

Those people had forgotten how to give each other their best. They were giving their best to their jobs, their children, or their friends. What they were giving to their spouses was nothing more than the leftovers. I think I can safely say that they were all breaking their wedding vows; if in no other way, than their promise to love through whatever life might bring their way.

When we come home from work crabby, because we’ve had a bad day, then we definitely aren’t loving our wives. When we yell at them, because of something the kids have done, it’s the same. When we take out our frustration about having trouble paying the bills, we’re forgotten to love her as well.

It seems that we always end up giving out wives the worst of us, rather than the best of us. Everything that goes wrong in our lives somehow ends up being taken out on her, whether we intend to or not. Even when we keep quiet, we end up taking it out on her; because we’re not engaged with her, communicating love and being together.

Our wives deserve better than that; they deserve our best. So, how do we give them that, instead of giving them what’s left over, after dealing with everything else? I’ve got a few ideas.

• As men, we have an innate ability to “put things on the shelf” in our minds, when we can’t solve them at the moment. Why not use that ability when we’re around our wives, shelving the problem until a better time.
• As much as possible, deal with the problem before you get home from work. That way, you’re not bringing it home to her.
• Remember who the problem is and that it isn’t her. Don’t let her become the recipient of anger and frustration which belong to another.
• Keep reminding yourself that you love her; that will help you prevent giving her the worst instead of remembering to give her the best.

Give Her a Little Extra Grace

There are two basic reasons that women are “more emotional” then men. They function in the right brain, which is the emotional/creative side of the brain and they are largely affected by the cycle of their hormones throughout the month. These two things, working together, make a woman’s emotions of more consequence to her, affecting all areas of her life and being.

I put “more emotional” in quotation marks up there because that’s a bit of a misconception. Men have and experience as many emotions as women do. But, there are two major differences in a man’s emotions and a woman’s. The first is that men don’t connect with their emotions as well as women do and the second is that men aren’t as expressive about their emotions. They have a greater tendency to ignore those emotions and pretend they aren’t there (this is also biological in the brain).

Okay, so we all know and accept that women are more expressive in their emotions and that those emotions are going to have a bigger role in what they say and do. So, we just have to put up with it, right? Well, right and wrong. Actually, we’re a whole lot better off if we can try and understand what is causing her emotions, and learn to work with them.

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a posting where I said that the number one cause of depression in women is poor self image (Building Her Up). At that time, I suggested that you compliment her, to help overcome the attack that society puts on her self-esteem. That’s one way of working with her emotions, but there’s more.

It’s commonly understood that women have a few emotionally rough days right before their menstrual period. For most of us, that’s a good time to hang out at the bowling alley or go on a fishing trip. We look for anything we can do to avoid being in the line of fire. For others, that’s when the couple has the most fights. Either answer isn’t the best; actually either answer is destructive to the marriage relationship.

The first thing we should all do is track our wife’s menstrual cycle on a calendar. Every month, the day that her cycle starts, put a “P” on the calendar, that’s it. After a few months, you can check the interval. Since most women have a very regular cycle, you’ll probably find that she’s menstruating every 28 to 30 days.

That’s important information. Starting three days before her next menstrual period, you can expect that she’s going to go crazy. She’ll be depressed, moody, irritable and otherwise not much fun to be around.

Let me change the perspective on that a bit. If she’s not much fun to be around, that means that it’s not much fun to be her, either. She needs a little bit of extra grace during those days. When she’s moody and it seems like she’s trying to get into a fight, realize that it isn’t her, it isn’t you, it isn’t the kids, it’s her hormones. Cut her a little slack; and whatever you do, don’t take anything she says during those days seriously.

There’s more that you can do for her as well. If you know those days are coming, plan things so as to lighten her load during that critical time. Don’t plan dinner parties and other special activities. Don’t start a major project together. Don’t take a trip.

In fact, you should do the opposite. If there’s ever a time when doing acts of service for your wife, this is it. Do some of the housework, pick up dinner, run the kids to their events; whatever you can do to take some of the stress off her. That will make this time easier for her and easier for the whole family as well.

She may not thank you or show her appreciation at that time; but you can be sure that she’ll appreciate it. More than anything though, she’ll have an easier time getting through those difficult days. She’ll know it’s because of you and she’ll be grateful.

What’s Her Romance Language?

Have you ever done something that you thought was supremely romantic for your wife, only to have your great romantic act ignored or even refused? It’s probably happened to all of us at least once or twice. 

There might be a number of different reasons why that happened; anything from it being the wrong time of the month to you having done that particular act too many times in the last month. Regardless of the reason, it always bothers us; the rejection of our act of love makes us feel as if we’ve been rejected.

Don’t let yourself get caught up in that feeling of being rejected; it’s dangerous! It will kill your desire to continue being romantic faster than anything. When it happens, just realize that there’s probably something else which is causing her to act that way, something that has nothing to do with you.

However, if your wife regularly overlooks a particular type of romantic act, that should be a clue to you, telling you that you’re not speaking her language. It’s about as if you were writing her love poems, but she couldn’t read. That wouldn’t work out all that well. In the same way, speaking romance in a different language than she understands doesn’t work out all that well.

You see, each of us has our own romance language. It’s both the way that we express love and the way that we understand it. When others speak our romance language, it’s like the words have been underlined, made bold and highlighted in yellow. Finding out what her romance language is will give you a great boost up in being able to get the most impact out of your romantic acts.

When I’m talking about romance languages, what I’m really talking about is love languages. After all, isn’t romance all about expressing love? Gary Chapman’s book “The Five Love Languages” does a great job of explaining those five languages and showing us how to use them. In case you haven’t read the book yet (you should), here are the five languages:

• Words of affirmation
• Acts of service
• Gifts
• Physical touch
• Quality time

Now, if your love language is acts of service, you’ve probably been trying to be romantic to your wife by doing things for her. That’s great, acts of service is a great way to be romantic. But, if your wife’s love language is words of affirmation, you may not be reaching her as well as you want to. She probably appreciates your acts of service, but it doesn’t have the impact on her that words of affirmation will.

That doesn’t mean that you should stop doing acts of service. By all means, continue doing them. But, at the same time, add words of affirmation to your vocabulary of romance. Find ways to tell her that you love her. Even more, find ways to tell her what a great woman, wife, mother and all around person you think she is. That’s what she’s craving and that’s what’s going to do her the most good.

After all, being romantic towards your wife is all about her anyway, so you might as well make sure that you’re really focusing on her and on what works for her. You can still use the other ways of being romantic, but use them to round out the basic expression of love, which is done in her love language.

Doing this will make every romantic act you do have all that much more impact? Why? Because you’re satisfying her most basic need for love. That makes everything else look that much better in her eyes. 

Be Her Encourager

Just in case you haven’t noticed, the world is full of people who are quick to put you down, tell you that you can’t do something and otherwise just bring negativity into your life. Actually, I don’t think that there are all that many of them, but they seem to be good at popping up at just the wrong moment; and when they do, they’re so noisy that it sounds like a crowd. Everyone else is pretty much content to sit on the sidelines and see whether you succeed or fail. Even if they’re wishing that you fail, they don’t get in your face about it.

Those few loudmouths can really mess up your day though. Actually, they can mess up anybody’s day; like your wife’s. If you and I have to put up with those sorts of people, don’t you think that she does as well? Of course she does. She might even have more of them to put up with than we do.

Unfortunately, we can’t really do much of anything to shut them up, at least not within the limits of what the law allows. So, we’ve got to come up with something else to do, something to help overcome the negativity that they are sowing in the hearts and minds of our wives.

Fortunately, we can do something about that. We can encourage our wives, letting them know that there’s at least one person who stands behind them, who believes in them, who’s willing to go to bat for them. We can be the ones that lift them up, when others are dragging them down. We can tell them that they can, when everyone else is telling them they can’t. We can encourage them, when everyone else is trying to discourage them.

The key to this is understanding what your wife needs and when she needs it. That can be a bit challenging at times. Most of the time, trying to figure out what a woman is thinking or feeling is beyond a male understanding. However, that doesn’t mean it’s hopeless; just that we have to find new ways of doing it.

Start with the basics. You know when your wife is depressed or in a bad mood; nobody has to tell you that. Most of the time, when a woman is in a bad mood, you can tell as soon as you walk in the door; even without seeing her.

From there, the next step is to find out what happened. She may not be in the mood to tell you what she’s upset or depressed about, but she’ll usually be more than ready to tell you about her day; so, ask about her day. If you pay attention to what she says, there’s a good chance that you’ll be able to figure out what has put her out of sorts.

Once you know what caused the problem, you’re in the home stretch. All you have to do is the opposite. If somebody has been telling her she can’t do something, tell her that she can. If somebody has been talking bad about how she does things, tell her how good she is at doing things. Whatever it is, give her the opposite, and keep giving her the opposite until you see that it has made a difference.

That doesn’t mean to sit there and badger her with it. What I mean is to tell her, then come back to that again a little later, from a different direction. Keep coming up with new ways to encourage her, until you can see that she’s actually encouraged. That’s going to take several comments, not just one.

She may not accept what you say the first time, especially if what the others have said has hurt her. It takes a while to overcome that. But, your words will make a difference. So, don’t give up. She needs that encouragement and she’ll appreciate it.

More Love

Pretty much everyone, men and women alike, claims to love their spouse “no matter what.” We make it sound like our love is truly unconditional, regardless of whatever might happen. However, I’d have to say that we’re fooling ourselves when we say that. Oh, we’re right in the sense of being able to love them through whatever we have in mind at that time, or we wouldn’t be saying it. That’s not the same thing though. Just because we’re convinced that we could keep loving them through some serious sickness doesn’t mean that we love them unconditionally.

Love is only known by its expression. If there’s no expression of love, then there’s no love. There might be something we think is love, but it’s nothing more than a feeling inside of us. For it to be recognizable as love to another, it has to come out of us and be expressed to that other person.

Unconditional love is only such when it is expressed at times when the other person doesn’t deserve it. If our expression of love is dependent upon the other person’s actions, then it isn’t really unconditional love. For us guys, that often means being able to continue expressing love, even when she is denying us sexually. That’s hard to do, but if we truly love our wives, we are able to do so.

So, what gets in our way of being able to express love at all times? More than anything it’s our emotions. When we don’t feel loved or appreciated, we have trouble expressing love towards others. To put it another way, when nobody is filling our love tank, we don’t have anything to give away.

Actually, although we live by that statement, it’s untrue. If we need our love tank to be filled, in order to have love to give to another, then there’s something wrong. We should be able to create love out of nothing, regardless of what others are doing to us. If we can’t do that, then human will doesn’t mean anything.

Okay, so what should we do? We should act in love towards our wives, no matter how our wives are acting towards us. Have you ever stopped to think that she may be acting the way she is, because she feels unloved?

Herein lies a great secret; loving when we don’t feel like it. Many have said, “Love isn’t an emotion, it’s a choice of the will.” I don’t totally agree with that. Try telling your wife sometime, “I don’t feel anything towards you, but I still love you.” I guarantee you, she’s not going to be thrilled. There is an aspect of love that is a feeling, but there is another aspect of love that’s a choice of the will. The will part comes into play when we act in love, even though our emotions are in conflict with that action.

Did you get that? We still need to act in love, even though are emotions aren’t in agreement. I’m not talking about pretending to love here; I’m talking about doing loving actions, even though we don’t feel like it. That’s a level of loving expression that most people never reach.

You know the crazy thing? If you act in love, even when you don’t feel like it, your emotions will follow your actions. In other words, if you don’t feel loving, act in love anyway; that will change your feelings.

As crazy as that sounds, it’s absolutely true. I have had a number of times where the best thing I could do to overcome negative feelings towards my wife was to do something loving for her. Every time I did that, it worked; she felt loved and I felt better towards her. My emotions followed my action.

A child is controlled by their emotions. As mature men, we need to learn how to control our emotions. That doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t feel anything, but rather that we should use our emotions as a tool, shaping them to meet the need. One great need is that of acting in love towards our wives, so we need to shape our emotions towards love.

Anyone who says that they’ve “fallen out of love” with their wife has just confessed that they’ve stopped trying to be loving towards their wife. They are expecting their wife to make them feel loving, rather than making that decision to love. I’d have to say, they probably never truly loved their wife, they only thought they did. Ouch!

So, the next time you find yourself thinking negatively about your wife, it means it’s a good day to buy her flowers, or maybe a box of chocolates. Perhaps you should cook her a special dinner or help her out with some chores. Whatever you choose to do, make sure it is something that you will both interpret as an act of love. That will help you overcome those negative thoughts and feelings, and feel the love that you need to feel for your wife.

All that Glitters – Part 2

I normally don’t do two part posts, but after yesterday’s, I came up with a little more that I wanted to say. While I’m sure that most of you didn’t run out and buy your wife a piece of jewelry last night, I’m also sure that at least some of you thought about it. I took my own advice and did.

I find it interesting that the mating ritual of the human being includes jewelry. In our modern society, it’s customary for a man to give a ring to his intended, when he asks her to marry him. Thinking about this, I realized that there was a practical aspect to this, in addition to the normal collection of symbolic ones that we talk about.

First, the symbolic; the ring is a sign of commitment, of affection and a as a circle shows the unbroken cycle of life and love. That’s all great and actually rather important; but there’s an even more important symbolism in the ring. In Old Testament times, the ring was actually cut into the couple’s flesh, forming a scar, a ring that couldn’t be removed.

The concept of cutting the ring into the flesh comes from covenant ceremony. In pretty much any covenant ceremony, the two parties cut their hands or arms, clasping their two cuts together and mixing their blood. The idea is, “Your blood now flows in my veins and my blood flows in yours, we are one.”

We’ve replaced the idea of cutting with a band of gold or other precious metal. But, we’ve also replaced something else with that ring as well; that is, the idea of dowry. While many people hold the idea that paying a dowry was “buying” the bride from her father; that was never the case. If so, it would make for very poor business, as the cost of raising a girl to marriageable age was much more than any dowry ever paid. No, the dowry was intended to show that the young man had the wherewithal to support his new wife.

A diamond engagement ring fulfills this practical aspect as well. As these rings are rather expensive, being able to buy one for her is a way of showing that one is ready to marry; at least in a financial senses. A young man who can’t afford to buy a ring, probably can’t afford to support a wife, either.

In our time, more and more couples are getting married, without there ever being an engagement ring. Oh, they have wedding rings, but not an engagement ring. The wedding ring still carries the symbolic meaning of commitment and the unbroken circle of life and love, but not the significance of dowry. As wedding bands are much cheaper than engagement rings, that proof of being able to support her is missing.

Did you buy your wife an engagement ring? I must confess that I never did. At the time we got married, we were struggling to make ends meet. We jointly decided that there were more important things to spend our money on. Had my wife had the understanding of the ring’s practical value as a demonstration of my ability to support her, we may never have gotten married. Nevertheless, she overlooked that, just as I did, and we married.

We’ve been married 25 years and a few months now. Yesterday, my wife had her birthday. I celebrated it by paying off a 26 year old debt to her. She finally got her diamond. It was something I’d wanted to do for years, and this year, I was finally able to do so.

If you’ve never bought your wife a diamond engagement ring, I’d like to propose the idea to you that you owe it to her. Maybe you can’t do it this year, but there’s no reason you can’t start squirreling away a few dollars here and there as your diamond fund. When you get enough, buy her that ring. I’d say that you owe it to her.

The All-Important Kiss

Have you ever noticed how young dating couples spend lots of their time together kissing? Now, have you ever noticed how little time married couples spend kissing? Not only that, but what most married couples refer to as a kiss is more correctly defined as a peck, not a real kiss.

Something is definitely backwards here. It seems to me that the dating couples should limit themselves to nothing more than a peck, while the married couples should be the kissing experts. After all, they’ve had more opportunity to practice, so they should be much better at it.

It seems that somewhere along the way, kissing ends up being left aside like old baggage. Even in couples who make love frequently, there may not be a whole lot of kissing going on. Yet, in some ways, kisses are even more intimate than sex. Yes, that’s what I said, kissing can actually be more intimate than sexual intercourse.

From what I understand (not from personal experience) prostitutes will let a man do pretty much anything they want to their bodies, but won’t kiss them. These prostitutes understand that kissing is intimate, and they aren’t interested in being intimate with their clients, just providing a service. So, if they think that kissing is intimate, why don’t we get it?

Granted, there are a lot of things which go together to make intimacy exist in a marriage relationship. True communication is also an indispensible ingredient. But that doesn’t negate the importance of kissing one bit. Kissing isn’t just a part of foreplay; it’s a large part of what keeps us close together as a couple. When we kiss, we are drawing ourselves together as a couple, sharing ourselves one with another and telling each other that we want to be emotionally close.

Leaving in the morning, without stopping to kiss your wife could be considered a crime against your marriage. The same could be said for coming home at night, without kissing her. Those moments we take to share our love through a kiss are a very important part of our overall expression of love.

Don’t leave it at that, though. Last I checked, there’s no kiss limit stated on a marriage license. It doesn’t have a line that says, “Good for a maximum of ten kisses per day.” Make kissing a regular part of your day, stopping every once in a while, just to kiss your wife. Let that expression of love become a regular part of your routine; but don’t let it become just routine. Make sure that you both enjoy every kiss break.

She’s Not Your Enemy

When was your last fight with your wife? Was it last night? Last week? Perhaps, last month? Whenever it was, there’s a good chance you left it feeling like she was against you. Couples deal with this all the time, feeling like the one person who should really be in their corner is the one who is most against them.

The thing we all need to realize is that she’s not our enemy. You have an enemy, but it’s not your wife. That enemy will probably try and speak through you through the actions and words of your wife, but that still doesn’t make her your enemy. It just means that the enemy is pretty good at manipulating your interpretation of what your wife says and does.

The enemy I’m referring to is the devil. Ephesians, chapter six tells us that we don’t battle against flesh and blood, but against spiritual powers (okay, I shortened it a bit). She’s the flesh and blood, not the spiritual powers. So, why are you battling against her, instead of battling for her?

Whoa, that came out of left field, didn’t it? Actually no. You see, as men, we’ve been created with a violent aggressive nature, not to use against our families, but to use in order to protect them. So, when we’re fighting against our wives, we’re misusing a gift that has been given to us; the gift of violence. It doesn’t matter if that violence is verbal or physical, it’s still violence.

I’ve come to realize that 95% or more marital fighting is due to misunderstandings and miscommunications. If we could only learn to see, hear and understand things as they are intended to be, rather than as we misinterpret them, then we could get rid of a lot of fighting. But, we’ve got that enemy, who is working overtime to make sure that there is plenty of misunderstanding; just so he can keep a lot of fighting going on.

You see, when you are your wife are in agreement, you can begin to pray in agreement. There’s nothing more powerful on the face of this earth than a married couple, praying in agreement. Of course, when you’re not in agreement, that power is gone. The enemy knows this, and is trying to make sure that you aren’t in agreement.

He is speaking to your mind constantly, giving you and I a running commentary about everything that is going on around us. Of course, that running commentary isn’t true, but it sure sounds true. The other trick he uses is to say it all in the first person, so that it sounds to us like our own thoughts. That way, we think that we’re the ones saying those things, not someone else. Since we accept them as our own thoughts, they must be true; so, we run with them.

So, our wives say something like, “Can you take out the garbage?” and we hear, “She’s always telling me what to do, what does she think she is, my boss?” Or she’ll call us when we’re leaving work to say, “Don’t forget to pick up milk and bread on your way home” and we’ll hear, “What does she think I am, an imbecile that can’t remember anything without being reminded all the time?” When she doesn’t look as “hot” as she did when you got married, it’s easy to hear, “Well, she’s over the hill, time to trade her in for a newer model.”

Hmm, sounds to me like a good formula for offenses, misunderstandings, disagreements and fights. When we accept those thoughts as our own, we are helping fuel the fires of divorce, reacting to our wives as our enemies, rather than our closest friends.

So, what can we do? The first thing is to realize that she’s not your enemy. Since she isn’t begin to throw away all those thoughts when they come. As Paul said, “Casting down vain imaginations…” and “…bringing every thought captive” (2 Cor 10:5). When those thoughts come, you don’t have to accept them, just kick them out. Then, start thinking positive thoughts about your wife. That will help you to act in love towards her, rather than in offense.

Don't Take it Out on Her

All of us are overtaken by bad days once in a while. Let’s face it, life has problems. As long as we’re living on the earth, we’re going to be faced with things which try and ruin our day. We’re going to have to put up with annoying co-workers, demanding bosses, difficult customers and cars which break down at the wrong time. It’s just part of life.

While we can’t control the things that happen to us and around us, we can control how we react to them. If I were to throw a bucket of cold water over you, you might yell back at me, “You’ve made me wet and you’ve made me mad.” But, that wouldn’t be true. All I did was to make you wet; you decided to get mad all on your own. You could have chosen to laugh at it instead.

Most people think that they don’t have any control over their anger or depression, but in fact we do. We can choose not to be angry, offended or depressed; we don’t have to let those things control us. Don’t try and tell me that you’ve never held it inside when your boss or co-worker did something that made you want to yell at them. How could you keep from yelling at them, if you don’t have any control over yourself?

The reality is that we keep ourselves from reacting, when we think that the cost of the reaction will be too high. Yelling at the boss might carry the price tag of ending up on unemployment, so we try and avoid that one. Instead of yelling at those people, we take it home and yell at our families.

Throughout history, wives have had to put up with husbands who took out their problems on them. That’s really not fair, but that hasn’t stopped it from happening. Men who can’t blow up at work, instead wait till they get home and blow up at their wives. Why in the world would anyone ever choose to do that?

Actually, we don’t really choose to blow up at our wives instead of our bosses. What we do is choose not to blow up at our bosses. Then, when we get home, we feel safe. So, what we had bottled up inside all day ends up coming out at those who are closest to us. Something they do irritates us, and instead of reacting rationally and reacting at an appropriate level for the problem, we react irrationally, allowing all the pain and frustration we had bottled up inside to come out at our wives.

This is fundamentally destructive to the marriage relationship. Many women get to a point where they are afraid to talk to their husbands, because of the way that their husband is going to react. Communication begins to break down and the couple grows farther apart.

Okay, so how do we fix the problem? First of all, you need to be honest with yourself and decide whether or not you’ve done this. Then, if you have, go to your wife, repent and ask her forgiveness. Let her know that you’re aware of what you’ve done and that you’re going to work on changing that in the future.

The easiest way to prevent yourself from repeating that poor performance is to find a way of getting rid of the negative attitude, without dumping it on your wife. There are a number of ways in which you can do this, such as:

• Forgive the person – you’d be amazed what the simple act of saying “I forgive them” can do
• Spend time in prayer – the more you pray, the less things can bother you
• Spend time in worship – the presence of the Lord is a great cleanser for the heart
• Physical activity – while not a very spiritual option, many men find that exercise helps them release the tension

Often, the best thing we can do, until we can deal with the frustration and anger is to keep our mouths shut. That way, we don’t dump on anyone. Then, if you need to get alone, away from your wife and kids, so that you can get rid of the negative feelings, do so. Just let them know that you need some time alone.

Don’t use this as an excuse to ignore your family. You should be able to deal with your problem within a half hour. If it takes longer than that, you’re probably rehearsing the offense in your mind, rather than trying to get rid of it.

Once you’ve gotten rid of the tension and problem and straightened out your attitude, then you’re ready to deal with your family in the way that they deserve. This will protect your marriage, keep your wife from feeling unloved and keep you from destroying any “points” you’ve gained with your wife for being romantic.

Read Together

As I’ve said more than once, spending time together is a major part of being romantic. Love, without time, tends to wither, like a plant that isn’t given water. I guess that we could say that spending time together is the way that we water the garden of our love.

Of course, spending time together doesn’t mean just sitting in front of the television, vegetating. For that time to be valuable, it has to be spent doing something together, not just being in each other’s presence. My wife and I share an office. I have my desk with my computer to work on and she has hers. But, just because we’re in the office working at the same time, doesn’t mean that we’re spending time together. For it to count as time together, we’ve got to be focused on one another.

Finding activities where we are actually focused on one another, instead of just focused on something else in each other’s presence, adds another layer of complexity to the equation. Other than taking, which a lot of us guys aren’t all that comfortable doing, it can be hard finding things to do together, where we’re really together and not just in the same room.

One activity which we can do together as a couple, where we can be focused on each other is to read together. Now, it’s obvious that to do this, you’ll have to find a book which you’ll both be interested in. I guarantee you that your wife isn’t going to be interested in reading a car repair manual with you; nor can I see her wanting to spend time together reading about how to prepare your own income taxes.

The best books for this are marriage and relationship related ones. There are a lot of good marriage related books out there, which you can actually enjoy together. Who knows, you might even learn something about how to have a better marriage, while you’re at it.

Another benefit to reading these types of books together is that they help you to talk about your relationship. You see, reading together isn’t just reading what’s on the page, but interjecting your own comments, talking about the ideas that the book is presenting and come up with your own ways of integrating those ideas into your marriage.

I’d recommend starting with something that’s not going to be threatening to either of you; like Smalley’s “The Language of Love,” or Gary Chapman’s “The Five Love Languages,” or even Harley’s “His Needs, Her Needs.” These books are more about understanding each other, than telling one or the other of you that you need to do something. That’s what makes them non-threatening. On the other hand, a book which says “you need to do this to be a good husband” or “you need to do this to be a good wife” can come across as an attack.

Remember, you want to be able to talk about what you’re reading. That can only happen when you’re reading something that is non-threatening. If you pick a book that attacks one of you, then the possibility of positive conversation is greatly limited.

Enjoy taking some time to learn something new together. Not only will it be a great way of spending time together, but it will also be a great way of learning to know each other even better. 

Never Forget those Important Days

One of the things which women complain about is when we forget those important days in our lives. You know what I mean; have you ever forgotten her birthday, or your anniversary? If you did, your wife probably blew a gasket. In all fairness, I’d have to say that when something like that happens, she really do have justifiable grounds to complain.

Forgetting an anniversary is like saying, “My marriage isn’t important.” Now, I know that your marriage is important to you, or you wouldn’t bother reading this blog. However, you don’t have to prove it to me, you’ve got to prove it to your wife; and you’ve got to prove it over and over again.

I’m not really sure where the idea of celebrating anniversaries and birthdays come from. Suffice it to say that both are long-standing customs around the world. So, where it came from and why we celebrate them isn’t anywhere near as important as the reality of their existence. That’s what we have to deal with.

Part of the importance on her part comes from the fact that she’s relationally focused. As men, you and I build our lives around the things which we do. For our wives, it’s built around the relationships which they have. Since birthdays and especially anniversaries deal with relationships, it’s not surprising that those days would be important to them.

In today’s modern world, there’s really no excuse for forgetting. Our cell phones, PDAs, tablets and computers all have the capability of reminding us of those all-important days; all we have to do is program it in. Let me give you a secret here. Don’t just program in the day, program a reminder in a few days ahead of time. In other words, program your anniversary in, then program in a reminder, every day for at least three days beforehand (better yet, a week). That way, you have a bit of time to plan, make reservations and buy her a gift.

It’s always easier to celebrate a special day when you have a little time to plan. Granted, your wife will appreciate the flowers you buy her at the last minute. But, she’d appreciate it a whole lot more if you went out and bought her some diamond earrings. Of course, if you only set an alarm to remind you on your anniversary, you might not have time to go out and buy those earrings.

It’s also much more romantic if you plan where you are going to take her, instead of asking her at the last minute, “Well, where do you want to go?” Even if you want her input on the restaurant choice, you’re much better off getting that a few days ahead of time, instead of at the last minute. Asking her three days ahead of time sends the message that you’re thinking about your upcoming anniversary. Waiting till the day makes it sound like you had forgotten.

Finally, if something happens, like a trip out of town, which would prevent you from being able to go out on your anniversary, always make sure you celebrate ahead of time. Celebrating ahead is okay, but celebrating late sends the message that your work is more important than your marriage. You don’t want to do that.

Your Stuff, Her Stuff

There’s an old statement about marriage, where the guy was bestowing all his worldly possessions on his bride. We don’t use that term much in our day, but in the time it was coined, men owned all the property. The idea was that by marrying, he was sharing what was his with his wife.

In a way, that statement makes sense. Marriage is a covenant; and as such, what belongs to one, belongs to the other. So, when a couple gets married, his car becomes their car. Her sofa becomes their sofa. Marriage isn’t about being your own person; it’s about being one flesh. Integrating your worldly goods is only one of many symbols of that.

Even so, it seems to me that there are many couples, who may have many years of being married, yet still keep certain possessions separate, as if they were still single. Granted, there are a few things which are personal possessions; like clothes. I don’t think God or society has ever intended for a couple to share their clothes. Most guys don’t look good in dresses, anyway, especially if they forget to shave their legs.

There are also things like cars, which although are joint property, one uses more than the other. For many couples, there’s “his car” and “her car.” Not so much in a sense of ownership, but by a sense of who uses which.

The problem comes in when one or the other gets possessive over something that really is better considered community property. Take a stapler for instance. Now, most families don’t need two staplers; one will suffice. If they have an office or a computer desk, it’s normally kept there. But, what if it’s missing? What if one partner uses the stapler in the kitchen and forgets to put it back. Wouldn’t it be a bit ridiculous for the other one to start yelling at them for “taking my stapler”?

Unfortunately, this sort of thing actually happens. I’m a really organized person and I like things to be put back where they came from. But, it would be ridiculous of me to get mad at my wife for taking the stapler and not putting it back on my desk, where she got it from (I say “my desk” because we each have a desk).

Having a petty attitude like this can cause a great amount of stress and bickering that really isn’t necessary. Even being an over-organized person, I recognize the right of other family members to use the things that I have in my part of the office. To be otherwise is to say “that thing is more important than my relationship with you.” Ouch! That’s definitely way too much.

We had a situation arise a number of years ago with my computer. I call it my computer, because when I bought it, my wife didn’t want anything to do with it. That is, she didn’t want anything to do with it until she discovered the Web. That first day she was on the Internet, she literally surfed all night long. When I got up at 6:00 the next morning, she was still there, surfing away. She’d suddenly found something useful for the computer and she wanted to be on it day and night.

The problem came in that I needed to use the computer for my work as well. There were a few times in which I didn’t get things done which I needed to, because she was on it. We suddenly had a problem. It would have been very easy to become possessive about “my computer” and start complaining at her about using it too much. I could have even tried to keep her off of it all together. But, that wouldn’t have been right. Compounding the problem was the fact that she wasn’t just using it to e-mail her friends or play games, she was doing research which was useful to our ministry.

Since my wife was a newcomer to the world of computers, when things didn’t happen as fast as she wanted, she’d just click buttons to see what would happen. For anyone who is computer literate, that can be disastrous. I awoke many a morning to find things moved around, deleted from or added to the desktop. Fortunately, the only time she deleted a bunch of files by accident, they were her old e-mails.

It was clear that we had a problem. We needed two computers. So, that’s what we did; we bought another one. That way, I had my computer and she had hers. No problem.

Watch out for that possessive attitude. It’s okay when you’re dealing with people outside the family, but with your wife? No, there’s no place for it. If you need two, so that there isn’t a problem, like we did with the computers, then get two. On the other hand, if you don’t need two, don’t waste the money, learn how to share; and do it with a good attitude. 

Guard Your Thoughts

Have you ever noticed how hard it is to be loving towards your wife when you don’t feel loved? Of course, for us guys, the sexual part of our marriage relationship has a lot to do with our feeling loved, so that means that most men struggle with feeling unloved. Yet, believe it or not, our wives are expressing their love towards us, just not in the way that we want.

In the typical marriage, there’s a lot of sex up until the first baby comes along. Then, what had been once a day (or more) suddenly drops down to an average of once every 10 days. Husbands everywhere are baffled by this phenomenon, even realizing that their wives are tired from taking care of the baby. Yet, that realization doesn’t do much to cover up the hurt they feel inside, because their wives are paying so much attention to the baby and so little to them.

Of course, women don’t see the incongruity of this, because their focus is on the baby. They don’t realize the problem their husband faces, and if he ever tries to bring it up, it comes across to her as selfishness. She’s giving her all for the baby, and can’t understand why he can’t understand that she doesn’t have anything left for him.

This becomes a major crossroads for most married couples. They either go forward, learning to overcome the new struggles, or they start falling apart. Sadly, too many start falling apart. Because the husband doesn’t feel loved by his wife, he stops expressing love towards her. She then feels rejected by him and acts even less loving towards him. When he wants sex, she feels as if he is just using her, whereas before she felt it was an expression of love between them.

For most couples, this problem never stops; it just keeps spiraling downwards. Sadly, they never learn to overcome the negative emotions and return to a truly loving relationship. So, instead of being the marriage God intended them to be, they end up being little more than roommates.

The first thing we need to realize in all this is that our enemy, the devil, is the one who is putting those thoughts into our minds, the thoughts that we aren’t loved. It’s not a rational analysis of the situation; it’s not even a message we’re receiving from our wives, it’s a lie that we’re being told. Unfortunately, it’s a lie that’s all too easy to accept.

We are commanded to “cast down vain imaginations and anything that exalts itself against the power of God.” Well, take my word for it; all those thoughts about your wife not loving you are definitely vain imagination. Cast them down. You don’t need them, you don’t want them, and if you let them, they’ll destroy your marriage. Get rid of them, before they get rid of your love.

How do you get rid of them? There are many ways. First of all, think on the good in your wife, those things which you love and appreciate about her, instead of focusing on the negative. Then, take it one step further and find some way to express love towards her, even if you don’t feel like it. Your feelings will end up following you actions. The best way to get over feeling negatively towards your wife is to do something special to express love towards her.

The second thing we need to realize is that our love towards our wives and our expression of that love should not be dependent upon their expression of love towards us. We are commanded to love our wives, in the same manner that Christ loved the church. How is that? By giving Himself for her. We are to give and give and give, whether we feel like we are receiving or not. Even more so, we’re to give with a good attitude.

You see, if we’re just being romantic in the hopes of receiving something back from our wives, we’re not expressing a pure love towards them. Granted, we all hope to have our love reciprocated, but that’s really not the point of expressing love. Anyone can express love when they are feeling loved, it takes a real man to express love when he doesn’t feel loved.

We also need to understand that women don’t understand love in the same manner that men do. Gary Chapman’s book on The Five Love Languages is a great primer on how to express love. Even so, let me give you the simplified version. Women understand romance as expressions of love. That’s it. That’s really what this blog is all about, teaching men to express love in a way that their wives will understand.

So, when’s a good time to be romantic? Really, any time is a good time. But, the best time to be romantic is when you don’t feel loved. Then, it’s a true expression of love “as Christ loved the church.”

Daddy Caddy

Through the years I’ve come to the point where I have a deep appreciation that God has never done anything by accident or “just because.” Every action He has ever done has purpose, often more than one; even those things which don’t seem so obvious have purpose.

Believe it or not, the differences between how men and women are, how they think and how they do things even have purpose. While those differences might be a bit frustrating, or even a bit infuriating to us at some times, they still have a reason. Quite often, once we understand the purpose behind the differences, we can see the wisdom in what God has done.

Have you ever wondered why we, as men, are so much stronger than out wives? No, it’s really not so that we can beat them at a wrestling match; and it’s definitely not so that we can abuse them in any way. The real reason why we are so much stronger is so that we can protect our wives from danger; any kind of danger. Our capacity for aggressiveness and violence exists for the same reason, so that we can protect her.

Can you imagine a pregnant woman trying to protect herself from any sort of violent attack? I don’t know about your wife, buy mine had trouble getting around when she was pregnant, let alone doing anything really physical. No, if there’s any woman in the world who needs protection, it’s a pregnant one.

That natural strength we have is for the benefit of our marriage. Not only in protecting our wives, but in doing those tasks which require strength. Years ago, when our kids were little and we were traveling full time, I used to grumble about having to be the “Daddy Caddy.” When we’d get to a hotel, the whole family would go relax in the room or check out the pool, while daddy (me) was carrying all the suitcases; and yes, to be honest with you, I was usually grumbling about it.

But really, who is best suited for carrying the suitcases? My kids were too small to do it, so expecting them to do so would have been ridiculous. Likewise, expecting my wife to do it was ridiculous. She couldn’t hardly lift some of those suitcases, let alone carry them a couple hundred feet.

Okay, so I’ve changed a bit since then; you get older and hopefully get wiser as well. A couple of months ago, I injured my back. For a few weeks I couldn’t hardly stand up, let alone try and carry anything. For that few weeks, I was more or less worthless to myself, let alone anyone else. So, I’d watch as my wife carried in the groceries, feeling guilty all the while. But, I could hardly get out to the car with my cane in the time it took her to make three trips in with the bags.

I felt guilty watching my wife carry those groceries. While I really didn’t have any choice, it bothered me to see her have to do something, because I was physically incapable of doing it. You see, if I’m committed to my marriage, then that means that I commit all my resources to it, no matter what they are or when it is. All of me has to be given over to our marriage, or I’m just playing games; and as a game, it’s one that I’ll probably lose. One can only win in marriage by giving everything.

Guys, our wives need our physical strength, along with any other strength we have. When there’s something to be done that requires physical exertion, don’t grumble, just do it. Carrying groceries? No problem! Cutting the lawn? No problem! Carrying the bags, when your wife goes shopping? Uh… well… no problem! Whatever it is, let your wife know that you’re there for her.

Don’t Take it Personal

That old saying we learned as kids, of “sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me,” has got to be one of the biggest lies ever concocted. At least the wounds created by sticks and stones will heal fairly quickly, but the wounds of words can last a lifetime. Many people’s lives have been ruined, to one degree or another, by the words that others spoke to them.

That’s why it’s important that we are careful about the words we speak, especially those words that come out when we’re angry, irritated or frustrated. All too often in those moments, we say things that later we wish we could take back. Yet, those words never seem to go away. We may say we’re sorry, we may try and make amends, but we can never make erase those words, once spoken.

Part of what makes those words so powerful is the intensity with which they are said. Let’s say that you’re having an argument with your wife, and in the midst of it you blurt out, “I can’t stand you when you’re like that.” Those words are going to go right to the center of your wife’s being, cutting all the way. She won’t hear it as there’s something that she does which bothers you. What she’ll hear is, “I can’t stand you.” That’s the painful, destructive memory which will burn into her heart.

After that, it doesn’t matter how many times you tell her you love her, the overpowering memory will be that you can’t stand her. The intensity of those words, spoken in the passion of a momentary loss of self-control, will be with her forever. No matter how hard you try, they can’t be erased.

I’m not saying that we’re the only ones who say destructive things like that; women do it too. I’d say that men and women are equally skilled at saying destructive things to each other, causing the same types of hurts. However, I think they typically have a greater impact on the women, because they are more emotionally oriented.

There is one important difference between men and women, when it comes to this type of negative communication. That is, women will express generalities in a way that makes it seem like it’s their husband’s fault. They turn the general into something personal. For example, if a woman is feeling unloved, regardless of the reason, she’ll express it as “You don’t love me.” Or, another case might be where she feels frustrated about something, say something at work, and jumps on you for something that you do which is frustrating to her.

Here’s where we can make a difference in this problem. That is, don’t take it personally. Just because your wife is expressing frustration at you or saying that you never take her out anyplace, doesn’t really mean that she thinks that. It means that she is feeling that way at that moment, nothing more.

If you have a business dinner in a fancy restaurant, which your wife has been wanting to go to, there’s a pretty good chance that she’ll say that you never take her out. You might be confused, thinking of the weekly date night which you’ve been doing for the last year. But, she’s not really saying that you never take her out at all, she’s saying that she feels jealous of your opportunity to go to that restaurant, because she wants to go there.

So, how to you deal with this? The first step is to realize that even though she’s directing it at you, she’s not talking about you. Then, forgive her. You don’t have to do that to her face, but you do have to do it. Finally, try and figure out what the true message is behind what she’s saying.

I realize that decoding “woman speak” is an almost impossible challenge. They have meanings for words and ways of putting ideas together that no man can fathom. Nevertheless, we can at least get some clues about what it is that’s motivating them to say what they are saying. When they say something negative, out of frustration, there’s always something behind it. Look beyond the words, to see where she might be hurting. That gives you a clue in how to love your wife better.

Put a Cap on the Grumbling

You know, if we’d watch our own reactions to things as closely as we watch our wife's reactions, we’d be amazed by what we saw. Really, many of our reactions are much different than what we think they are, specifically much more negative than we think they are. We notice it when our wives react negatively, but we ignore it or even justify it when we do.

Take, for example, our reaction when they ask us to do something. Now, we probably think nothing of it, but most of the time, when our wives ask us to do something, we grumble about it. That grumbling only gets louder when what they ask us to do something which will interrupt what we are already doing.

Actually, most of what they ask us to do really isn’t all that hard. Okay, okay, painting the house is a bit of a project, I’ll agree; but taking the garbage out isn’t. Yet, we grumble about taking out the garbage, as if we had to slay three dragons, run through a minefield and pay the orthodontist, just to get from the house and the curb. C’mon now, it’s really not all that bad.

Let’s take a look from her point of view for a change. How do you think your wife feels when she asks you to do something and you grumble about it? Do you think that makes her feel loved? How about important? Maybe it makes her feel like you’re committed to the marriage? Or, possibly she sees it as your way of saying “Yes dear?” No, you know it doesn’t come across as any of that.

With enough of that grumbling you can actually get your wife to stop asking you to do anything. How’s that for a deal? All you have to do is keep up the grumbling and she’ll leave you alone. Of course, she’ll probably stop doing some things that you want her to do as well; but hey, that’s not much of a price to pay, is it? Or, is it really too much of a price to pay?

Remember those pesky little vows we took at the wedding. Wasn’t there something in there about “better or worse?” Well, guess what, we may have just found a little piece of the worse. Actually, it’s not all that bad. If the worst thing you have to deal with in your life is taking out the garbage or teaching her how to copy a computer file for the umpteenth time is the worst thing that happens in your life, you’ve got it made.

The point is, when you married her, you committed to giving her all that you are, just as she committed to give you all that she is. “Giving all” also means being available to her when she needs you, no matter what it is. Without grumbling. 

A Weekend Getaway

One of the biggest struggles couples have today is finding time to just be together. Even harder is to find time when you can be alone together. It seems like there’s always something which is trying to take your time, pulling you away from each other and keeping you too busy to just be together.

Whatever happened to all that time you seemed to have to spend together before you got married? Remember that? You could talk for hours, walk in the park, or go out to a movie, whatever you wanted to do. It seemed that there was always time to be together. Yet, once we get married, or maybe once that first baby comes along, life puts too many demands on our time.

Well, if you still want to spend time with your bride, as I’m sure you do, you just have to be a bit more imaginative and make an effort to do so. Actually, I think that’s a lot of it. You see, when we were dating, we made the time to spend together; but after we get married, we let other things take that time. Granted, some of those things are necessary, but at other times, we let it happen, telling ourselves that we can spend time with her later… only later never comes.

As long as you’re at home, there’s always going to be something to take that time. The phone will ring, somebody will drop by, one of the kids will need to be taken somewhere or something will break, demanding immediate attention. Whatever it is, it will rob you of the time that you were going to spend together.

There is a cure for this, that’s to get away from home. When you’re away, those things can’t happen as easily. That’s part of the importance of a date night; just getting away by yourselves. Well, if a date night works for that, then what about a date weekend? That would really give you some time alone together.

I can already hear your objections. You don’t have time, you don’t have the money, you don’t know how you’re going to be able to do it. Hold on a second. First of all, decide if you love your wife enough to spend a weekend alone with her. Then face each of those objections and find a solution for it. C’mon now, you’re a guy, you’re good at finding solutions to problems. So, find them.

Getting away for a weekend doesn’t have to be expensive. Granted, you’ve got to pay for a hotel and some meals, but you’re only talking about one night in a hotel. If you shop for price, you can get a decent price on that hotel. Likewise for the meals.

The kids aren’t the problem you think they are. You’ve got to have somebody they can spend a weekend with; their friends, grandparents, an aunt who hasn’t seen much of them. If you can’t come up with anything else, make a deal with some friends, where they take your kids for the weekend, and you do the same for them when they go for their weekend getaway.

I remember reading years ago about a boy who was asked “What’s the best day of the year?” He answered, “My parent’s anniversary.” Shocked, the questioner asked him “Why?” “Because,” he said, “my parents go away for the weekend.” Thinking that he understood, the questioner said, “Oh, you like having that weekend to yourself.” To which the child answered, “No, it’s the best day of the year, because when they do that, I know they love each other.”

Wow! You see, our children need to know that we love each other. All around them, they have friends and classmates whose parents are divorced. They feel insecure, knowing that the same thing could happen to them. Every time they hear you raise your voices to each other, that fear grips them; not fear that you’ll beat them, but fear that you’ll leave them.

We were recently counseling a couple who told us that their youngest son had brought them a piece of paper, asking them to sign it. Like any parent who has children in school, they thought it was something for school. It wasn’t. It was an agreement that the child had drawn up, to quit fussing at each other.

You’re not going to quit fussing at each other by dealing with life as it comes along. Life is guaranteed to cause you problems. You’ve got to do something special, so that you can break the cycle and just love one another. Taking a weekend to get away isn’t an expense; it’s an investment in your marriage, your happiness and your family’s security. 

Texting Your Love

You know, it’s truly amazing; women never get tired of being told that they are loved. I don’t care how many times you do it, they still want to hear it some more. I know that may seem a bit strange to you and me, but we’re not talking about how we think, but how they think.

If a woman says “I love you” to a man over and over again, he’s going to think, “Then show me.” But, women aren’t wired that way. They are much more motivated by the words than we are. To them, the words alone are enough to be a demonstration of love. Of course, that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t show our love in other ways, but we definitely need to do so with words.

When I was working away from home, I would make a point of calling my wife once a day from the office. All I was doing was calling to tell my wife that I loved her, nothing else. Yet, those few moments when I called her served to brighten her day and make her feel loved.

Technology has actually made it easier for us to tell our wives that we love them. It’s almost as if text messaging was created with that in mind. Okay, I know it’s useful for lots of other things too, but there’s no question that it’s definitely a great way to remind our wives of our love for them. Not only that, but it’s an easy way to do so, which doesn’t take much time and can be done several times a day.

You might ask, “Won’t she get tired of receiving the same message over and over again?” The simple answer is no; you’ll get tired of sending it much faster than she’ll get tired of receiving it. However, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t use a little variety. Just because she won’t get tired of it doesn’t mean she wouldn’t appreciate some other expressions of love as well. In fact, mixing up your message a bit will help grab her attention and keep your message “fresh.” So, here’s some other things you might want to consider saying:

• I miss you
• Can’t wait to see you
• Let’s find some place to hide from the kids this evening, so we can be alone
• I need you
• Can’t wait to put my arms around you
• You’re so special
• How did I end up lucky enough to get you for a wife?
• I’m counting the minutes till I see you again. Only (put in number) more to go.
• I want you
• Let’s go for a walk tonight
• Let’s go out to eat tonight
• It’s great to have you to come home to
• I feel a need to connect with you
• I was just looking at (insert name) and was thinking how glad I am that you’re my wife
• You’re the best wife in the world
• You’re everything I ever dreamed of
• I'm having trouble working, because I'm thinking of you

Hopefully, that’s enough to give you some ideas of your own. Let your imagination go wild; just avoid being crude. Women get turned off when we get crude. If you want to make any sexual references, do it obliquely, not directly; that’ll be much more palatable to her. In fact, the best way to tell her you want to make love is to say “I want to connect with you.” While that may not sound sexual to you, it will sound great to her.

Whatever you do, don’t forget the number one rule, Do it often. That’s what she needs. 

What Good Does it do to Complain?

I’ve come to the conclusion that the world is full of complainers. There are the garden variety complainers who complain now and then about something or other, there are the specialists who regularly complain about their pet peeve and then there are the pros, who can complain about anything, any time and do so voraciously.

Regardless of which type of complainer you are, you probably fit into one of those three categories. I mean, we all have things we complain about, don’t we? Okay, so let me ask you a question. How much good has all your complaining ever done? Huh? Have you ever seen anything improve because you complained about it?

Now, I’m not talking about sending your undercooked steak back to the kitchen in some restaurant; that can actually do some good. No, I’m talking about complaining about things in life. Have you ever complained about something in life and actually seen some positive change come out of it?

I seriously doubt that you have. Now, let me ask you another question. Have you ever seen anything bad come out of your complaining? If you think about it, you’d pretty much have to answer yes to that question. You see, complaints are negative. When we start acting negative, it acts as an infection, spreading and infecting those around us.

Let’s say that you’re eating dinner at home and start complaining about the way your wife cooked the meal; I guarantee you that your negativity will spread to your wife, and quickly too. She’ll definitely take your complaints personally. But, what if you were to complain about something at work instead; will that affect her? Yes! Even though the complaint isn’t about her, it will be about something that affects someone close to her; you. That will affect her, because women are empathetic.

So, instead of bringing about a positive result, you’ve just succeeded in bringing about a negative result. Now, if you want to try and experiment, try kissing your wife after complaining about something. While she might kiss you back, it’ll just be a peck, not any sort of passionate kiss. She’ll hug you, because that’s something that empathetic people do to comfort others, but there will be nothing of intimacy in that hug, it’ll be more like she’s hugging one of the kids.

Negativity spreads and infects those around us. Complaining is one of the mechanisms which are used to convey that negativity; so, we need to learn to zip our lips and shut off our own complaining. That way, we don’t infect our wives with it.

That doesn’t mean that we should totally internalize our complaints. As guys, we can be pretty good at that. But, that’s not healthy. Keeping those complaints inside can cause them to eat away at us like an acid. So, we need to find a non-destructive way of getting rid of them.

That can be done with co-workers, by shooting some hoops or by sticking them on a dart board and throwing darts at them. I dispel mine by writing satires about them (okay, that might not work for you). But, you know the best way to get rid of complaints; it’s to do something about them. Yep, working on the solution to the problem which you are complaining about is the best way to get rid of the complaint. Not only that, buy you might actually succeed in doing some good.

Whatever you do, don’t dump your complaint on your wife; that’s definitely unromantic. If you need to share it with her (and you should), disarm the complaint first. In other words, get the bitterness out of it, before you share it. That way, you’re sharing your life and concerns with her (which she wants and needs) without sharing the negativity. You’re letting her be part of your life, but not forcing her to carry your burden. You’re protecting her from yourself, or at least the negative part of yourself, while still maintaining the communication necessary to maintain intimacy in your hearts.

Home Décor

You know, it may not be all that important to you, but how your home looks is really important to your wife. While you can be happy anywhere, with any type of furniture, with or without pictures on the walls, to her those things are important. The home is the place of the family; the most important people in your wife’s world. So that makes her home important to her as well.

Women like to decorate their homes. I can just imagine a couple of birds, building their nests. The guy would be making sure that the sticks they use are strong enough to support the weight of his family and are well attached to the branch, for security. On the other hand, she’d ignore all that and be concerned about how soft it was, putting a leaf here or a flower there. In fact, if you counted on her to build it all, it’d probably be beautiful, but missing the floor. He’d be sure to have the floor, but it would look like a garbage can.

Well we’re really not all that different. Women complain that they could leave a basket of clean laundry in the middle of the living room for a whole week, and as long as it wasn’t in the way of the television, their husbands would ignore it (except to step over it). We just don’t pay that much attention.

I’m not saying that you should become an interior decorator, but it sure wouldn’t hurt for you to open your eyes and see what your house looks like on the inside. You might even see something that you like (that is, something besides your wife).

It would also do wonders for your wife’s appreciation of you if you took a bit of an interest in how the home is decorated. No; I’m not talking about hanging a deer head over the fireplace. I’m talking about figuring out what she wants it to look like, and helping make it that way. Is she going for a modern look? Or, maybe she’s into antiques? How about retro, is that her look? You don’t know? Not surprising. You know, you could always ask.

Yes, believe it, or not, you can ask your wife what decorating style she’s going for. And while that may make you look like you don’t know anything about interior decorating; it’ll also make it look like you are interested in her and what she wants. That’s the important part.

Okay, now that you know what style she’s after, what can you do to help? Does some wall or some room need to be painted? Does she need a knick-knack shelf for the wall? Could you maybe find something decorative on e-Bay that would fit the style she’s going for?

Remember, when you take an interest in what she’s interested in, she sees it as you taking an interest in her. So, your taking an interest in how the house looks directly translates in her mind to an interest in the family, along with you valuing her opinions and desires. That’s important, because that’s dealing directly with who she is.