When the Cat's Away...

Okay, anyone who read my blog post this morning might have gotten the idea that my wife is out of town. Well, let me start by confirming that. She left at 0-dark-thirty this morning to go to her mother’s funeral. Fortunately, her mother accepted the Lord two weeks before passing away, so we’re rejoicing that she’s probably happier now than she has ever been in her life.

Anyway, that’s why I’m talking about how to be romantic while your wife is traveling, because that’s what I’m trying to do right now.

So, I’m sure you’ve heard the saying “When the cat’s away, the mice will play.” Before entering the ministry, I had to do a fair amount of business traveling. Unfortunately, some of the times I was traveling, I had to travel with co-workers who seemed to forget that they were married, as soon as they got on the airplane. Other times, their wives had to travel, and they talked like they were free and single once again.

Okay, obviously as Christians we don’t want to act like that. But, I want to go a little farther. Because, you see, it’s not just what we do, but what our wives think we do that matters. You might think that her thoughts are her problem, but I’d have to disagree. Often, her thoughts become our problems.

Of course, many of those thoughts are put there by “friends,” family members, neighbors and co-workers that our wives have to put up with. It’s like everyone wants to convince them that their husband couldn’t be faithful, because there’s no such thing as a faithful man. While I know that many women have reason to think this way, I also know that we, as believers, have to make sure that we aren’t this way.

Once again, we need to go one step further. It’s not enough that we don’t do anything wrong; I firmly believe that we need to be so committed to our wives that they would laugh at the idea that we could be unfaithful. I’m not talking about a blind faith that they might have in us; I’m talking about a faith in us that’s based upon reality.

We have to realize that not only are those “friends” trying to convince our wives that we’re unfaithful, the enemy is actively trying to convince them of it as well. While she needs to “cast down every vain imagination” we need to make it easy for her to do that.

Okay, so how do we do that? I think there are a couple of very important things which we need to demonstrate to our wives. The first one is that she needs to see that we don’t look at other women. Take my word for it; your wife knows if you are looking at other women. She can recognize the hot chicks out there just as well as you can. But she doesn’t stare at them, she looks to see if you are.

The next thing we need to do is keep in communication with her while we are apart. When I was traveling for business, I made it a point to call my wife every day, no matter where I was. Now, most of my travels are out of the country, so it’s much harder to keep in touch with her. Nevertheless, I keep in contact with my wife, whether I’m texting her from Mexico or sending her e-mails from Colombia.

Finally, we need to make sure that our wife knows that she is loved. A woman who feels loved by her husband is much less likely to accept the idea that he’s fooling around. Of course, a man who is acting in love towards his wife is much less likely to fool around as well, so it works well from both sides. When she knows that she is loved, it’s much easier for her to cast down those vain imaginations, because she knows the truth; and she knows that the truth is in her favor.

So, what to do when the cat’s away? Play a game of finding ways to express your love to your wife, just as if you were both at home. 

Just Overlook It

Yesterday, I talked about telling your wife all the things you love about her; today I want to talk about the opposite. No, I’m not talking about telling her everything you don’t like about her. If you’re like most people, you do too much of that already. What I want to talk about is how you deal with those negative things.

If you think about it, there’s something about everyone you know that bugs you. It might be a bad habit they have, it might be the way they do a certain thing, it might even be an attitude that you think they have towards you. Regardless of what it is, you put up with it for that relationship.

Re-read that last sentence. Now, why is it that we are so apt to overlook things that our friends and co-workers do, in order to maintain our relationship with them, but we have trouble doing the same thing with our wife? It would seem to me that love would make it easier to overlook something that doesn’t agree with us; but in most cases, we find more things that bother us in our mates, than we do in our friends. Why is that?

I think a lot of it has to do with proximity. Granted, we spend a fair amount of time with our co-workers; but we don’t live with them. Even in an organization where people are known to “let down their hair” we all live with masks on. So, we don’t usually see those people at their worst, we see the side of them that they have decided to show at work. Not only that, but we don’t see them at their most vulnerable moments either.

On the other hand, we see our wives in the worst of times; when everything has gone to pot. We also see them in those moments when there isn’t any mask; times when they are relaxed and unlikely to bother hiding who they are. Finally, we see them when they are dealing with the things that nobody else sees; all the little irritating things of life, which take away their importance.

There’s another aspect of this which I need to mention. When we were dating, we created a perfect image of her in our minds. That’s the standard that we expect her to live up to each and every day. When my wife and I first started dating, she was living four hours away, up in the mountains. She’d come down to the city every weekend to see me and take care of business. On the way, she’d have rollers in her hair and be putting on her makeup. So, when she arrived, she looked perfect. That’s the image that was formed in my mind.

Now, three kids and over 25 years later, I’ve seen my wife with the rollers in her hair and even the times when she didn’t have time to put the rollers in her hair. So, even though I have that perfect image in my mind, I also have the real image. The two may not always be the same.

Okay, so what do we do when we find that our wives aren’t perfect? How do we deal with that, so that it doesn’t become a destructive force in our marriage? I’d recommend going back to what we did when we were dating. You see, those “defects” were there back then. She really wasn’t perfect; you just thought she was. Think back and you’ll see what I’m talking about.

So, what did you do then? You overlooked those defects. That’s it. You concentrated on the good, and didn’t bother looking at the not-so-good. Well, if you could do that then, why can’t you do that now? What’s changed? Don’t blame it on her, because it’s really not her fault. What has changed is you and your perception of her. That’s what needs to be dealt with.

When you overlook any flaws in your wife, it’s much easier to concentrate on the good. When you focus on the good, it’s much easier to love her. When you love her, it’s much easier to be romantic. And, when you’re romantic, it’s much easier for her to love you.

Keep Your Eyes Open

One of the things that work great with romance is spontaneity. Now, you may not be the spontaneous sort of guy; you might be the type that plans everything out to the T. I mean, your vacations are even run by the clock. Okay, buy that’s not saying that you can’t still be spontaneous.

More than anything, being spontaneous means keeping your eyes open for opportunities to be romantic. You never know when you’ll see something or hear something that gives you an opportunity to do or say something to show your wife that you love her. Let me give you a few examples.

• You’re walking in the park and encounter someone selling roses; buy her one.
• You’re wife is bemoaning the bad things that people are saying about her at work; tell her a list of things that you think are great about her.
• You’re on your way home from somewhere; stop and eat, get an ice cream, or a latte along the way.
• You’re in a store and see some little doodad that you think she’d like; buy it for her.
• You’re in another store and pass by the greeting cards; buy an “I love you” card and mail it to her.

See? It’s really not hard to be spontaneous. More than anything, it takes an awareness of the opportunities that present themselves. Actually, it’s about thinking about your wife all that time, so that you see those opportunities that present themselves.

Once upon a time, you fell in love with your wife. In that time, you were thinking about her day and night. Well, what happened? Why did you stop thinking about her all the time? Probably because you started thinking about the negative things you see in her, instead of focusing on the positive ones. Since that’s nowhere near as enjoyable, you stopped thinking about her as much.

That’s easy to remedy. All you have to do is begin thinking positively about her again. Think of all the things you love about her. Think about how much you love to make love to her. Think about the things which caused you to fall in love with her in the first place. Think about the feel of her skin when you touch her. Think about how much of a blessing it is that God decided “it’s not good for man to be alone.”

Thinking this way about her will help you to put things into a positive perspective. You’ll start feeling more positive about her and react as if you do. You’ll also become more aware of those romantic opportunities that present themselves.

One other little detail. When you do those spontaneous romantic acts, present them as romantic acts. If you stop for a latte with your wife, don’t say “I want a cup of coffee” tell her, “I thought you’d like a latte.” See the difference? One is self-centered, while the other is her centered. She’s not going to see anything as romantic, as long as it is self-centered. It has to be about her, or it isn’t going to work.

How do You Talk About Her in Public?

Have you ever been with a group of guys, maybe on a break at work, and one of them starts complaining about their wife? What happens? More often than not, everyone else chimes in, starting to complain about their wives as well. What starts out as one guy venting his frustration over some problem he is currently experiencing, quickly turns into a wife-bashing session, where each one is trying to top the other.

Women do this too. In fact, I’d have to say that women do it much more than men. However, that doesn’t give us the right to do it. I’d have to say that nobody has the right to speak bad about their spouse in public.

Remember, she is a gift from God. When you start talking bad about her, you’re saying that God gave you junk. But God doesn’t give anyone junk. Every gift that God gives is wonderful, even when it may not seem like it is. Often, the beauty of a gift is temporarily marred in our sight, be a momentary flaw. That doesn’t mean that the gift is flawed, but rather that our image of that gift is.

You and I should only speak positively about our wives. In fact, when those other guys are wife-bashing, we should try and make them jealous; not in an overdone way, just a nice subtle one. While they are complaining and saying bad things about their wives, we should counter with good things about ours.

That may be a little tricky at times; especially when they ask a direct question about something that you may consider an issue in your marriage. That doesn’t mean you can’t turn it positive though. If the things that they are asking about is something that you think is a negative, then respond with something else; something that overshadows that negative thing in your mind. That way, not only will your words be positive, but your tone will be so too.

Okay, so why am I telling you to do this? There are two reasons. Number one, we should always be thankful about what God does for us. Since she is a gift from God, we should be thankful for that gift. Maybe at the moment you are struggling to be thankful, but the more you work at being thankful, the more thankful you will find yourself becoming.

The second reason is that what you say in public is going to affect what you think in private. As long as you are talking bad about your wife, you’re going to be thinking bad about your wife. That will end up making you speak even worse about her. It’s a vicious cycle.

On the other hand, when you talk positive about your wife, it will reinforce those positive thought, helping you to focus on them. That will ultimately help you to be happier with your wife and express that happiness towards her.

It’s really hard to be romantic when you’re feeling negative towards her; not impossible, but difficult. Our romance can’t just be something external; it must be something that wells up from inside our hearts. That means that we must constantly be striving to renew the source of that romance, our sense of love towards her. That makes our romance real; as opposed to something that’s just canned.

Positive thoughts create positive actions, which create positive results. Those positive results make our thoughts more positive, starting the cycle over again. If you truly want to help your marriage and truly want to express love towards your wife, then watch what you say about her. Help yourself keep your mind focused on the good, so that you can continue to act in love.

She’s Not Your Enemy

When was your last fight with your wife? Was it last night? Last week? Perhaps, last month? Whenever it was, there’s a good chance you left it feeling like she was against you. Couples deal with this all the time, feeling like the one person who should really be in their corner is the one who is most against them.

The thing we all need to realize is that she’s not our enemy. You have an enemy, but it’s not your wife. That enemy will probably try and speak through you through the actions and words of your wife, but that still doesn’t make her your enemy. It just means that the enemy is pretty good at manipulating your interpretation of what your wife says and does.

The enemy I’m referring to is the devil. Ephesians, chapter six tells us that we don’t battle against flesh and blood, but against spiritual powers (okay, I shortened it a bit). She’s the flesh and blood, not the spiritual powers. So, why are you battling against her, instead of battling for her?

Whoa, that came out of left field, didn’t it? Actually no. You see, as men, we’ve been created with a violent aggressive nature, not to use against our families, but to use in order to protect them. So, when we’re fighting against our wives, we’re misusing a gift that has been given to us; the gift of violence. It doesn’t matter if that violence is verbal or physical, it’s still violence.

I’ve come to realize that 95% or more marital fighting is due to misunderstandings and miscommunications. If we could only learn to see, hear and understand things as they are intended to be, rather than as we misinterpret them, then we could get rid of a lot of fighting. But, we’ve got that enemy, who is working overtime to make sure that there is plenty of misunderstanding; just so he can keep a lot of fighting going on.

You see, when you are your wife are in agreement, you can begin to pray in agreement. There’s nothing more powerful on the face of this earth than a married couple, praying in agreement. Of course, when you’re not in agreement, that power is gone. The enemy knows this, and is trying to make sure that you aren’t in agreement.

He is speaking to your mind constantly, giving you and I a running commentary about everything that is going on around us. Of course, that running commentary isn’t true, but it sure sounds true. The other trick he uses is to say it all in the first person, so that it sounds to us like our own thoughts. That way, we think that we’re the ones saying those things, not someone else. Since we accept them as our own thoughts, they must be true; so, we run with them.

So, our wives say something like, “Can you take out the garbage?” and we hear, “She’s always telling me what to do, what does she think she is, my boss?” Or she’ll call us when we’re leaving work to say, “Don’t forget to pick up milk and bread on your way home” and we’ll hear, “What does she think I am, an imbecile that can’t remember anything without being reminded all the time?” When she doesn’t look as “hot” as she did when you got married, it’s easy to hear, “Well, she’s over the hill, time to trade her in for a newer model.”

Hmm, sounds to me like a good formula for offenses, misunderstandings, disagreements and fights. When we accept those thoughts as our own, we are helping fuel the fires of divorce, reacting to our wives as our enemies, rather than our closest friends.

So, what can we do? The first thing is to realize that she’s not your enemy. Since she isn’t begin to throw away all those thoughts when they come. As Paul said, “Casting down vain imaginations…” and “…bringing every thought captive” (2 Cor 10:5). When those thoughts come, you don’t have to accept them, just kick them out. Then, start thinking positive thoughts about your wife. That will help you to act in love towards her, rather than in offense.

Guard Your Thoughts

Have you ever noticed how hard it is to be loving towards your wife when you don’t feel loved? Of course, for us guys, the sexual part of our marriage relationship has a lot to do with our feeling loved, so that means that most men struggle with feeling unloved. Yet, believe it or not, our wives are expressing their love towards us, just not in the way that we want.

In the typical marriage, there’s a lot of sex up until the first baby comes along. Then, what had been once a day (or more) suddenly drops down to an average of once every 10 days. Husbands everywhere are baffled by this phenomenon, even realizing that their wives are tired from taking care of the baby. Yet, that realization doesn’t do much to cover up the hurt they feel inside, because their wives are paying so much attention to the baby and so little to them.

Of course, women don’t see the incongruity of this, because their focus is on the baby. They don’t realize the problem their husband faces, and if he ever tries to bring it up, it comes across to her as selfishness. She’s giving her all for the baby, and can’t understand why he can’t understand that she doesn’t have anything left for him.

This becomes a major crossroads for most married couples. They either go forward, learning to overcome the new struggles, or they start falling apart. Sadly, too many start falling apart. Because the husband doesn’t feel loved by his wife, he stops expressing love towards her. She then feels rejected by him and acts even less loving towards him. When he wants sex, she feels as if he is just using her, whereas before she felt it was an expression of love between them.

For most couples, this problem never stops; it just keeps spiraling downwards. Sadly, they never learn to overcome the negative emotions and return to a truly loving relationship. So, instead of being the marriage God intended them to be, they end up being little more than roommates.

The first thing we need to realize in all this is that our enemy, the devil, is the one who is putting those thoughts into our minds, the thoughts that we aren’t loved. It’s not a rational analysis of the situation; it’s not even a message we’re receiving from our wives, it’s a lie that we’re being told. Unfortunately, it’s a lie that’s all too easy to accept.

We are commanded to “cast down vain imaginations and anything that exalts itself against the power of God.” Well, take my word for it; all those thoughts about your wife not loving you are definitely vain imagination. Cast them down. You don’t need them, you don’t want them, and if you let them, they’ll destroy your marriage. Get rid of them, before they get rid of your love.

How do you get rid of them? There are many ways. First of all, think on the good in your wife, those things which you love and appreciate about her, instead of focusing on the negative. Then, take it one step further and find some way to express love towards her, even if you don’t feel like it. Your feelings will end up following you actions. The best way to get over feeling negatively towards your wife is to do something special to express love towards her.

The second thing we need to realize is that our love towards our wives and our expression of that love should not be dependent upon their expression of love towards us. We are commanded to love our wives, in the same manner that Christ loved the church. How is that? By giving Himself for her. We are to give and give and give, whether we feel like we are receiving or not. Even more so, we’re to give with a good attitude.

You see, if we’re just being romantic in the hopes of receiving something back from our wives, we’re not expressing a pure love towards them. Granted, we all hope to have our love reciprocated, but that’s really not the point of expressing love. Anyone can express love when they are feeling loved, it takes a real man to express love when he doesn’t feel loved.

We also need to understand that women don’t understand love in the same manner that men do. Gary Chapman’s book on The Five Love Languages is a great primer on how to express love. Even so, let me give you the simplified version. Women understand romance as expressions of love. That’s it. That’s really what this blog is all about, teaching men to express love in a way that their wives will understand.

So, when’s a good time to be romantic? Really, any time is a good time. But, the best time to be romantic is when you don’t feel loved. Then, it’s a true expression of love “as Christ loved the church.”

What do you Say, when She’s Not There?

I spent years in the “public sector” working as an engineering and business manager, before entering into the ministry. I remember sitting around the lunch table with my workmates, discussing everything from sports to politics, to our families. I also remember all the bad things that those guys would say to the rest of us, behind their wives backs.

I also remember my wife telling me about the same sort of phenomenon happening with the women. In fact, from the way she said it, women are even worse about this than men are. Not that we can use that as an excuse to talk bad about our wives, just that it’s a problem that goes both ways.

I call it a problem because it is. How in the world can you talk bad about your wife in public, and then expect to go home and speak positively to her? How can you badmouth all the bad things she does, and then expect to see the good in her? How can you express dissatisfaction in your marriage, and then expect to act with love towards your wife? You know something, you can’t.

If you’re feeling a little guilty right about now, that’s good; or maybe it’s bad. It’s good, because you’re getting the point I’m trying to make. It’s bad, because you have a problem in your thoughts, which you need to deal with.

I have found that I can’t act sweet, loving and romantic towards my wife, unless I am feeling that all the time. Oh, I can do a romantic act without feeling that way, but I can’t live a life of doing romantic acts, without having romantic feelings towards my wife and romantic thoughts about her. My attitudes towards her when I’m away from her greatly affect my actions towards her when I’m with her.

When I was growing up, my parents told me, “If you don’t have anything nice to say about someone, don’t say anything at all.” There was more wisdom in that statement than I ever realized. At that time, I thought it was all about avoiding gossip; and it is. But, I’ve since found out that it’s more than that, it’s about guarding one’s heart. You see, when we express negativity it increases the negativity in our hearts. 

On the other hand, when we think positively, it increases our positive thoughts and feelings.

If you are speaking negatively about your wife when you’re not together, that means you’ve got a heart full of negative feelings. You need to do something about that, and you need to do something quickly. The easiest place for you to start is by starting to talk positively about her, whether you feel it or not. Keep doing that, because your words will begin to change your heart.

I’ve actually experienced this. Several years ago, I went through an emotional crisis that lasted about a year. The crux of this crisis was feeling unloved and unappreciated by my wife. Now, let me say right here, that she wasn’t doing anything wrong. The problem was in how I was perceiving her words and actions. I was taking her working so hard (she was a teacher) personally, as if she didn’t want to be with me. I was wrong for my attitudes, she wasn’t wrong for her actions.

Although I don’t remember it, I’m sure that somewhere in there, thoughts of divorce presented themselves to me for my approval. Well, I didn’t approve them; instead, I did the opposite. I decided to change my thoughts and actions towards my wife. So, when I found myself thinking negatively about her, I would force myself to change my thoughts, and think positively about her. When I felt unloved by her, I would force myself to do something special for her or to buy a gift for her.

Guess what? That changed my thoughts. Not only that, but it brought me out of my emotional nosedive. My feelings followed my actions. Had I continued being negative, who knows where I would have ended up; but it wouldn’t have been good. Changing those thoughts renewed our marriage.

So, let me ask you, what do you say about your wife, when she’s not there?

What do you need to Learn to Overlook?

Anyone who has been married for any time; or for that matter, anyone who has ever lived in the same house with another person (such as family) has learned that other people always have annoying habits. It’s not that some people have annoying habits; no, all people have annoying habits. And yes, I know your wife does too.

That’s actually okay, because it proves that they’re human. Real people don’t live up to our fantasy expectations. Real people make mistakes. Real people have failings; and real people can be annoying. By the way, that means that you have habits which annoy your wife as well.

It might be that she leaves her trash in the car, or that she doesn’t understand computers and keeps messing things up on yours. It could also be that she clicks her nails or the way that she chews her food. How about hanging her lingerie in the shower to dry, isn’t that annoying?

In reality, these annoying irritations aren’t really all that big a deal, we just make them seem as if they are. One little habit my wife has is to leave bottles of rubbing alcohol or other substances on the front edge of our bathroom sink. I have a choice of moving them when I go in there or risking knocking them off. Isn’t that a big deal? No, it really isn’t; it only takes me a moment to move those bottles.

I remember a woman who was infuriated because her husband kept leaving his dirty clothes on the bedroom floor. The woman she went to for counseling (read: complaining) asked her the question, “How long does it take you to pick up his clothes?” to which she answered, “About 20 seconds.” Considering that she was spending much more than 20 seconds a day being upset about her husband’s untidiness, she really was wasting her time being upset.

All too often, we allow these little mole hills to become giant mountains. Instead of thanking God for the wonderful wife He’s given us, we complain to him about some stupid little thing that irritates us. What a waste of time. When we do that, we are literally overlooking all of her good points, so that we can focus on the bad. Forget about the fact that those good points are much bigger than the bad ones, in our minds, we make the little things much, much bigger.

So, how do we get out of this trap? Good question. There are two interrelated steps that will quickly help us overcome our irritation and not be bothered by these annoying habits. The first is to forgive her. I don’t mean that you need to go to her and do it in her face; just do it by yourself. Say the words, “I forgive my wife for ________.” That’s it.

The second step is to quit spending so much time thinking about those annoying habits. You can control your thoughts, when you want to. There’s no reason that you have to focus on those things. Instead, when you find yourself thinking about them, change your thoughts and start thinking about something you like about her; something you appreciate about her; even fantasizing about her would be better.

You see, when you focus on those little problems, they become big problems in your eyes. But, when you focus on the good about your wife, those little things start to diminish. Isn’t that a much better way to live?