When Your Love Tank Runs Dry – Part 2

Yesterday, I was talking about what to do when your love tank runs dry. I focused on the need to get your tank filled up again by going to God. There was something else I mentioned, which I want to go to in a little more depth than I did yesterday. That is, the risk of allowing others to fill our love tanks.

We have to realize that we are emotionally vulnerable when we are in that state. While we normally think of women being emotionally vulnerable and not men, the reality is that men are more emotionally vulnerable than women, especially when their love tanks run dry. I say that because women are much more used to dealing with their emotions and the effects of those emotions than men are. As men, we tend to ignore our emotions.

The other factor here is that women can connect the emotional and logical parts of their brains together much more readily than men can. So, whether a woman is sad or happy, she at least knows what she feels. On the other hand, men don’t always know what they feel, just that they feel something and they don’t like it.

In that state, a man is very open to receiving comfort from wherever he can get it. Watch out! That’s dangerous! A fair percentage of men who fall into adulterous relationships do so because their love tank is empty and some woman other than their wife offers to fill it.

I’m not saying that she sends you a text message that says, “Hi there. I noticed that your love tank is empty. Let’s meet after work today, so that I can fill it up for you.” No, these things are much more subtle than that. In fact, I’d say that the women usually aren’t thinking about filling up the guy’s love tank. If anything, she sees another hurting soul and shares the pain.

That’s step number one in heading down the road to adultery. We need to nip it in the bud, right there, before it can go any farther. All too often, men take that first step, thinking that it’s nothing more than talking with a co-worker or friend, and not recognizing it for what it truly is.

We must recognize that first flirtatious step for the true danger that it holds for our hearts. That’s our only protection. It is imperative to stop ourselves, even before taking that first step. You see, nobody gets up one morning after 20 years of being faithful to their wife and says to themselves, “I think today is a good day to commit adultery.” No, that adulterous relationship sneaks up on us one tiny step at a time. The adultery happens long before any sexual contact does.

Remember, adultery isn’t just about sex. Jesus said that if a man lusts after another woman, he’s already committed adultery with her in his heart. It doesn’t take sex to make it adultery. Fantasizing about her is adultery. Once again, it takes a number of steps to get the man to the point where he’s fantasizing about another woman, especially if he’s always been faithful to his wife.

The less sex there is in a marriage, the more risk there is of the man falling into adultery. It takes the strength of character to say NO, before taking that first step. Too many men wait until they are already well on the road to emotional adultery, before they realize the risk they are in. By then, it’s much harder to stop themselves, and most are hooked on the relationship enough that they don’t want to.

Keeping ourselves faithful to our wives includes much more than not having any sexual contact with other women. More than anything, it’s a thing of the heart and the mind. That’s where unfaithfulness starts, and that’s where it ends as well. 

Make Yourself Available to Talk

One of the biggest complaints that women have about their husband’s is the lack of communication between the two of them. This is even true in couples where it seems like they talk a lot. The question isn’t so much one of talking; it’s what they’re talking about.

You see, most couples talk about the incidental problems of their lives. Problems with the kids; problems with paying bills; problems with the broken washing machine. Those aren’t real exciting subjects to talk about; not only that, but they’re really not talking about you and your relationship. All they are is dealing with the vagrancies of life; something we all have to do, but don’t enjoy.

When your wife wants to talk with you, what she wants is to talk about your relationship. Now, I realize this can be really dangerous. In fact, it’s so bad that probably the most feared words that any married man can hear are “we need to talk.” That can take the biggest, toughest Rambo type guy and turn him into a total wimp. We run when we hear those words, and with good reason; for most of us, that phrase has come to mean that our wives want to tell us off.

Like I said, I understand the problem. I’ve been there. But, you know, this isn’t a problem that’s going to go away if we ignore it. In fact, it’s just the opposite. This is a problem that is going to grow faster and faster, the more we ignore it. Then, one day, the phrase won’t be “we need to talk” it’ll be “I want a divorce.

Granted, women can be extremely negative when they “talk.” They can cut a guy up in pieces and spit out the bones, all in the amount of time it takes to say a few sentences. That seems to be a natural ability they all possess. The question is whether or not they possess the ability to control it.

For a woman, talking is therapeutic. The very act of talking helps her deal with the situation, even if no solution is found or agreed upon. What they need is the opportunity to talk about it, not that we can come up with a solution, or even that we make some major change in our lives. Although, I’ll have to say that we’d better take the time to think about whether their complaints merit our making a change.

Let me give you a few secrets about letting your wife spout off:

• Don’t take it personal. Yeah, I know, it sure sounds personal. Often, women will express their frustration about one thing in their lives, as being something totally different. A problem with a strong willed child can come out as you’re not taking her out to eat.
• Look beyond the words, for the hurt that she’s feeling. Once again, it may not have anything to do with what’s being said.
• Don’t lose your cool. This is about letting her vent, not about getting into an argument. You don’t have to “win,” you have to let her express herself, so that you can both win.
• If something she says requires some action on your part, make sure you understand the need, the action to be taken, and that the two of you are in agreement. Even so, don’t expect that your actions will solve everything.
• Use the opportunity to minister to her. Hey, you’re supposed to be the priest of the home. Well priest, what does she need? If you don’t know, send up a quiet prayer, asking God for wisdom.
• Don’t accept “clichés” as being true. Statements like, “you have to support me on this” are her opinion; but that doesn’t mean they’re biblical. There are a lot of things which people think are true, but aren’t necessarily so. Check it out first, to make sure that what she’s expecting lines up with the Word of God. If it doesn’t, gently teach her the truth.

Having said all that; the big thing I need to say is that you and I need to make ourselves available to our wives, so that they can have those times to get things off of their chests. The longer we make her wait, the rougher it’s going to be when it actually happens. We can head off a lot of problems by making sure that she has those opportunities to talk to us about something deeper than the baby throwing up.

A woman who has had the opportunity to unload her heart is going to receive romance much better. More than that, she’s going to be able to express her love more fully. If her heart is filled with garbage from life, then that’s all she’s ever going to be able to show.

Keeping Your Heart Open

Yesterday, I was talking about the importance to letting your wife talk, specifically talking about her problems. We discussed how that was therapeutic for her and helped her to get things off her chest and out of her heart. Today, I want to touch on something that I mentioned yesterday, but didn’t talk about to any great depth; the problem of men keeping their hearts closed off to their wives.

During the dating years, guys are basically open with their girl friends. They talk about their dreams and aspirations, sharing things which are hidden from everyone else. We even go as far as to share our weaknesses, something that we don’t do with anyone else.

Why are men so reluctant to share weaknesses? There’s actually a valid reason for it. God has created men with a violent, aggressive nature, so that we can use that character trait to protect our families. Regardless of whether we’re talking about protecting them from Internet predators, saber-toothed tigers, or attacks from the Devil, it’s the same characteristic. We need the capacity for violence, so that we can react as needed to protect those who are closest to us.

One thing that anyone who has ever fought knows instinctively is that you don’t let your enemy know about your weakness. If they know, they can use it against you. There’s no reason to give them that advantage.

Well, in marriage, she starts out as your closest friend and lover. Then one day, you have your first fight. During that fight, she dredges up everything wrong you’ve ever done and throws it in your face. While this may or may not help her win the fight, it does have one very important, but unwanted result. That is that it teaches you that it’s dangerous to let her know your weaknesses. Where before she had been allowed into your heart, now she has to be kept out. Door closed and locked.

This door closing action happens automatically, without our even realizing it. But, that doesn’t make it any less real. From then on, every time she tries to knock on the door of your heart, you pretend you didn’t hear it. That makes her feel as if you don’t’ love her.

Like I said, this is automatic. It’s not that you want to keep her out, it’s that you do so out of self-defense, without even realizing it. Okay, so what do you do about it?

It’s actually possible to reopen the door to your heart and let her back in; but only you can do that. She can’t open your heart, nor can a $100 per hour head shrinker. So, how do you do it?

First of all, you need to forgive her. That may not open the door, but it will sure get rid of the barricade you put in front of it. Without forgiveness, you may never be able to find the door, let alone open it. (see my post on “Be quick to forgive”)

The second thing you need to do is explain to her what happened; or at least share this post with her, so that she can understand. That will help her to know how to avoid a repeat performance.

The third and final step is to reform the habit of openness. What I mean by that is to start talking about your dreams and aspirations once again. This might be best performed as a team effort. Get your wife to ask you questions that are associated with that area, and answer them honestly. Don’t hold back.

One thing we need to understand, which plays into this, is that our conversation style changes by marriage. Before the wedding, we talk a lot about those dreams. But, once the honeymoon is over, we start talking about reality. Reality is never as interesting as dreams, especially when that reality is a constant series of problems and struggles.

That just increases the need for openness of heart. If all your conversation with your wife is about problems with the kids, the idiot at work and how you’re going to pay the bills, you’re not going to enjoy talking to one another. You both need some positive conversation; the type you were practicing before you got married. That will do wonders to being you closer together. 

What do you Say, when She’s Not There?

I spent years in the “public sector” working as an engineering and business manager, before entering into the ministry. I remember sitting around the lunch table with my workmates, discussing everything from sports to politics, to our families. I also remember all the bad things that those guys would say to the rest of us, behind their wives backs.

I also remember my wife telling me about the same sort of phenomenon happening with the women. In fact, from the way she said it, women are even worse about this than men are. Not that we can use that as an excuse to talk bad about our wives, just that it’s a problem that goes both ways.

I call it a problem because it is. How in the world can you talk bad about your wife in public, and then expect to go home and speak positively to her? How can you badmouth all the bad things she does, and then expect to see the good in her? How can you express dissatisfaction in your marriage, and then expect to act with love towards your wife? You know something, you can’t.

If you’re feeling a little guilty right about now, that’s good; or maybe it’s bad. It’s good, because you’re getting the point I’m trying to make. It’s bad, because you have a problem in your thoughts, which you need to deal with.

I have found that I can’t act sweet, loving and romantic towards my wife, unless I am feeling that all the time. Oh, I can do a romantic act without feeling that way, but I can’t live a life of doing romantic acts, without having romantic feelings towards my wife and romantic thoughts about her. My attitudes towards her when I’m away from her greatly affect my actions towards her when I’m with her.

When I was growing up, my parents told me, “If you don’t have anything nice to say about someone, don’t say anything at all.” There was more wisdom in that statement than I ever realized. At that time, I thought it was all about avoiding gossip; and it is. But, I’ve since found out that it’s more than that, it’s about guarding one’s heart. You see, when we express negativity it increases the negativity in our hearts. 

On the other hand, when we think positively, it increases our positive thoughts and feelings.

If you are speaking negatively about your wife when you’re not together, that means you’ve got a heart full of negative feelings. You need to do something about that, and you need to do something quickly. The easiest place for you to start is by starting to talk positively about her, whether you feel it or not. Keep doing that, because your words will begin to change your heart.

I’ve actually experienced this. Several years ago, I went through an emotional crisis that lasted about a year. The crux of this crisis was feeling unloved and unappreciated by my wife. Now, let me say right here, that she wasn’t doing anything wrong. The problem was in how I was perceiving her words and actions. I was taking her working so hard (she was a teacher) personally, as if she didn’t want to be with me. I was wrong for my attitudes, she wasn’t wrong for her actions.

Although I don’t remember it, I’m sure that somewhere in there, thoughts of divorce presented themselves to me for my approval. Well, I didn’t approve them; instead, I did the opposite. I decided to change my thoughts and actions towards my wife. So, when I found myself thinking negatively about her, I would force myself to change my thoughts, and think positively about her. When I felt unloved by her, I would force myself to do something special for her or to buy a gift for her.

Guess what? That changed my thoughts. Not only that, but it brought me out of my emotional nosedive. My feelings followed my actions. Had I continued being negative, who knows where I would have ended up; but it wouldn’t have been good. Changing those thoughts renewed our marriage.

So, let me ask you, what do you say about your wife, when she’s not there?