Make Yourself Available to Talk

One of the biggest complaints that women have about their husband’s is the lack of communication between the two of them. This is even true in couples where it seems like they talk a lot. The question isn’t so much one of talking; it’s what they’re talking about.

You see, most couples talk about the incidental problems of their lives. Problems with the kids; problems with paying bills; problems with the broken washing machine. Those aren’t real exciting subjects to talk about; not only that, but they’re really not talking about you and your relationship. All they are is dealing with the vagrancies of life; something we all have to do, but don’t enjoy.

When your wife wants to talk with you, what she wants is to talk about your relationship. Now, I realize this can be really dangerous. In fact, it’s so bad that probably the most feared words that any married man can hear are “we need to talk.” That can take the biggest, toughest Rambo type guy and turn him into a total wimp. We run when we hear those words, and with good reason; for most of us, that phrase has come to mean that our wives want to tell us off.

Like I said, I understand the problem. I’ve been there. But, you know, this isn’t a problem that’s going to go away if we ignore it. In fact, it’s just the opposite. This is a problem that is going to grow faster and faster, the more we ignore it. Then, one day, the phrase won’t be “we need to talk” it’ll be “I want a divorce.

Granted, women can be extremely negative when they “talk.” They can cut a guy up in pieces and spit out the bones, all in the amount of time it takes to say a few sentences. That seems to be a natural ability they all possess. The question is whether or not they possess the ability to control it.

For a woman, talking is therapeutic. The very act of talking helps her deal with the situation, even if no solution is found or agreed upon. What they need is the opportunity to talk about it, not that we can come up with a solution, or even that we make some major change in our lives. Although, I’ll have to say that we’d better take the time to think about whether their complaints merit our making a change.

Let me give you a few secrets about letting your wife spout off:

• Don’t take it personal. Yeah, I know, it sure sounds personal. Often, women will express their frustration about one thing in their lives, as being something totally different. A problem with a strong willed child can come out as you’re not taking her out to eat.
• Look beyond the words, for the hurt that she’s feeling. Once again, it may not have anything to do with what’s being said.
• Don’t lose your cool. This is about letting her vent, not about getting into an argument. You don’t have to “win,” you have to let her express herself, so that you can both win.
• If something she says requires some action on your part, make sure you understand the need, the action to be taken, and that the two of you are in agreement. Even so, don’t expect that your actions will solve everything.
• Use the opportunity to minister to her. Hey, you’re supposed to be the priest of the home. Well priest, what does she need? If you don’t know, send up a quiet prayer, asking God for wisdom.
• Don’t accept “clichés” as being true. Statements like, “you have to support me on this” are her opinion; but that doesn’t mean they’re biblical. There are a lot of things which people think are true, but aren’t necessarily so. Check it out first, to make sure that what she’s expecting lines up with the Word of God. If it doesn’t, gently teach her the truth.

Having said all that; the big thing I need to say is that you and I need to make ourselves available to our wives, so that they can have those times to get things off of their chests. The longer we make her wait, the rougher it’s going to be when it actually happens. We can head off a lot of problems by making sure that she has those opportunities to talk to us about something deeper than the baby throwing up.

A woman who has had the opportunity to unload her heart is going to receive romance much better. More than that, she’s going to be able to express her love more fully. If her heart is filled with garbage from life, then that’s all she’s ever going to be able to show.

Me, Write a Love Letter?

Women love words. In case you hadn’t noticed, they tend to use more of them than we do. Whereas we get turned on by looking at their bodies, they get turned on by the words that we speak. So, it would seem to me that it would be in our benefit to learn how to use words well.

Most guys freak out at the idea of writing a love letter, or expressing their love in any verbal manner whatsoever. But, you know, it’s really not all that hard. You don’t have to be a Shakespeare to write a love letter, all you have to do is put words on paper. The words you choose have to be words that express  your love in a positive way, so that your wife will receive a message of love from them.

I remember back in school, when I had to write papers. I used to hate it. I’d write what I thought was an interesting paper, with lots of facts presented in a logical manner. Then the teachers would ignore my content, downgrading me for misplaced commas, spelling errors and wrong verb forms. It didn’t matter what I had written; all they cared about was whether I remembered to dot my I’s and cross my t’s. Definitely have me a bad taste for writing (and now I’m a writer, how ironic).

Then, my wife and I were working on some projects together, and the same thing happened all over again. I’d write something, and instead of saying something like “Wow, that’s a really great explanation,” my wife would point out the same sorts of errors that the teacher’s did. Not cool.

Nevertheless, you and I can relax, because that doesn’t happen with love letters. Love letters are about content, not about grammar and spelling. Your wife isn’t going to give you a D- in the love letter department, just because your grammar isn’t up to snuff. However, she might give you that D- if you never writer her one.

Love letters are about expressing feelings; specifically the feeling of love. So, that’s what you need to do. How? Actually it’s rather simple. Pick something that you love about your wife and tell her. Say, “I love you because…” or “I love the way you…” anything like that will work. You can embellish it with a few strategically placed “I love you” statements and maybe a few other phrases like “you’re so special” and “I’m so glad I married you.” Actually, the more embellishments like that you can come up with, the better.

Don’t worry if it’s not about to make it to the top ten on the New York Times Best Seller’s List. It will make it to her top ten list and that’s all that matters. The fact that you wrote her a love letter is the key. So, grab a pen or your computer keyboard and get writing. 

He is Risen!

I can’t let Resurrection Sunday go by, without talking about the importance of letting the Lord have the central place in your marriage. First of all, it was He who created the marriage relationship, in Genesis 2:24. But, it is also he who sustains the marriage relationship, keeping us together and giving us the love that we need to express one to another.

Ecclesiastes 4:12 tells us that “a threefold cord is not quickly broken.” If there is anything that should be that threefold cord, is the marriage relationship. Many have tried, and still try, to have a twofold cord of marriage, yet these are often broken, even in Christian relationships.

The Holy Spirit showed me something a few month ago, while I was counseling a Christian couple. He said, “The marriage relationship is the greatest test of Christian character there is.” That floored me. I had always thought that other things would be the test; never had I thought that my marriage would be. Yet, as I looked at that bit of revelation, I came to understand that it was truth.

In marriage, we are much more likely to let the barriers to our inner self down. Oh, we might keep some defensive barriers up, but as far as our words and actions are concerned, it is in marriage that we are most likely to show our true colors. Only, what colors are we showing?

If we want to show Christ’s colors to our spouse, then we need Christ’s help. We can’t do it on our own. Yet, most Christians never bother to ask; instead, trying to make it on their own strength. Sadly, none of us have enough strength within ourselves to make it, without some sort of outside help. We need that help when things are good, let along how much more so we need it when things aren’t all that good.

Jesus came that we might have life, and that more abundantly (Jn 10:10). That “Life more abundantly” isn’t about our life in the sweet by and by, it’s talking about our life in the here and now. It means that when we let Jesus into the middle of our lives, not just in church, but in our everyday living, he becomes that third chord, which binds the other two together, making them stronger.

With His help, marriage can become the greatest experience that exists in this life. Yet, it can only happen if we let it. We can’t have an abundant life with a “church only” Christianity. Nor can we have an abundant marriage that way. We need to stop walking after the flesh in our marriages and let that become part of our spiritual life as well.

That doesn’t mean that we can’t enjoy the pleasures of marriage. It doesn’t mean that we put on a false piety, where we wouldn’t even think of having sex as part of our relationship. No, it means that we allow Christ’s love and His character to flow through us, towards our spouses, every moment of every day.

This Resurrection Sunday, why not let Christ resurrect your marriage?

Let God in Your Marriage

I don’t know about you, but I’ve found that I’m not the perfect husband. For that matter, I’ve never been a perfect husband and I probably never will. I can try all I want, but somehow it just doesn’t seem to happen. Somehow or other, I manage to mess up from time to time.

All right, we can do the cop out thing on this and just say something like, “Hey, I’m human, what do you expect?” That’ll work, but like I said, it’s a bit of a copout. I’m not really into copouts. I guess they’re just too easy. I’d rather do something about my imperfections than make excuses for them. At least that way I’m making progress in my life.

So, if I’m not perfect and I want to be, obviously I need some help. That’s why I read what others write about marriage. While much of it is stuff I’ve heard before, there’s plenty of it which I haven’t. I can always find some nugget of truth to be gained from other people’s writings, especially certain people who I’ve learned to trust (see my links page to find them).

Even reading their stuff isn’t enough. While it helps, just reading doesn’t mean doing. Somehow, I’ve got to get it from the eye bone to the heart bone and from there into the action bones. That’s a whole lot harder than just reading it; especially when it’s something that I really don’t want to do.

That’s actually the key to not being successful in marriage, that part about what I want to do and what I don’t want to do. If I let my own will and desires control my marriage, it’s going to be a disaster. That makes for a self-centered marriage, which never works. Marriage, any marriage, can only be successful when it is other centered, not self-centered.

That’s where God needs to come into the marriage. As long as I leave Him out of my marriage, I’m going to try and put myself on the throne, as king of my marriage and king of my home. But, when I let him take the throne, then that changes everything. If I’m not on the throne, I won’t be focused on what I want, but what makes Him happy; and what makes Him happy is when I act with love towards my wife. As Jesus said, “A new commandment I give unto you, love your wife as I have loved you.” Okay, okay, it really doesn’t say that, it says “love one another.” But, c’mon now, isn’t your wife a “one another?”

When God is on the throne of my marriage and both my wife and I are working to serve Him, then we are working together towards a common goal. That builds relationship. Instead of marriage being me doing my thing and her doing her thing, with us getting together once in a while; we’re being together, as we work to satisfy what God wants for us.

You know something? When we do things that way, we always win. Why do we win? Because He makes sure that we do. Isn’t that great? By quitting trying to win and focusing on letting God win, we win. Man, it can’t get any better than that.

So, the real question you need to ask yourself today is: have you let God take the throne in your marriage?

A Monday Morning Pick-Her-Up

It seems like Mondays are a truly worldwide phenomenon. No matter where you go, pretty much everyone dreads Mondays and looks forward to Fridays. It doesn’t matter what race, culture or nation you visit, it seems to be the same.

Well, we all know that getting through those Mondays can be a bit of a challenge. So, why not do something to make it a little easier for your wife. That should show her that you care about her.

What I’ve got in mind is really rather simple. All you need to do is stop by her favorite coffee shop and pick her up a coffee and pastry. Then deliver it to her at work. If you can’t leave work to do that, how about delivering it before you go to work? Just make sure that there’s something to keep the coffee warm (wrapping a towel around it works great in a pinch). Or, you could pick it up before waking her up in the morning.

If none of those will work for you, then get someone else to do it for you. Do you have kids who can drive? How about a friend or neighbor? The only thing is that it needs to be from you; so if you have somebody else deliver it, make sure there’s a note to tell her who it’s from.

Would You do it all Again?

Have you ever had your wife ask you this question? You know, “If you had to marry me again, would you do it?” That’s one of those moments when time stands still, your whole life flashes before your eyes, and you suddenly feel the cold hand of death brush over you. “If I don’t answer this right,” you think, “I’m goners.”

Have you ever wondered why do women ask those sorts of question? Or have you just asked yourself “Why does she have to ask it?” Believe it or not, there’s a good reason why women ask questions like this and more than a threat to us, they are expressing a need that they have.

What need? The need for affirmation. When your wife asks you a question like that, or any of the other “dangerous” questions that women tend to ask, they are crying out for assurance that they are loved. You and I do that too, but not in the same way. For us as men, we feel that our wives love and value us through the sexual relationship more than anything. But, for them, it’s not the same. In fact, if your love like is lacking, it’s probably because she doesn’t feel secure enough to be able to give herself to you.

Women need to be constantly assured that they are loved. That’s why those three little words are so important. But, even if you say that all the time, it may not be enough. Saying “I love you” can become routine; in fact, it can become so routine that it starts sounding routine. You and I need to develop some variety in our expression.

All too often, the root of this insecurity is from our own words. Think about how you talk to you wife. Are you more likely to compliment her or complain about something she’s done? If you said “compliment her” you’d better check again; because unless you have taught yourself to compliment her frequently, you probably aren’t doing it as often as you think you are. We live in a negative world, and all too often, what comes out of our mouths is negative as well.

So, understand what your wife is begging you for when she asks you one of those dangerous questions. She needs to know that she is prized, valued, precious in your sight. That’s not just some whim on her part, it’s a true emotional need. There is no way she is going to be able to feel secure in your relationship, unless she receives enough affirmation from you.

Why not take it a step further? Don’t wait for her to beg you for affirmation, give it to her. Go to her tonight, get down on one knee, and ask her to marry you. Yeah, I know that you’re already married, that’s not the point. The point is to send her the message that “Yes, I’d gladly do it all again.”