Give Her Your Best

I was recently in a situation where I had somewhat of a marriage counseling marathon, with a number of appointments back-to-back. Putting up with a number of couples who appeared to want to argue in front of me, justifying themselves to me, while stabbing their partner in the back wasn’t my idea of a good time.

One thing stood out in all that time, that was that it seemed that all those couples had forgotten one important thing… their wedding vows. Do you remember them? You know, all that stuff about loving and protecting in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, in wealth or poverty. Those were some pretty powerful words back then; whatever happened to them?

It seems to me that there’s something implicit in the wedding vows about always being there for the other person; always giving them your best. It clearly says something about always loving them, so that should imply giving them your best, all by itself.

Those people had forgotten how to give each other their best. They were giving their best to their jobs, their children, or their friends. What they were giving to their spouses was nothing more than the leftovers. I think I can safely say that they were all breaking their wedding vows; if in no other way, than their promise to love through whatever life might bring their way.

When we come home from work crabby, because we’ve had a bad day, then we definitely aren’t loving our wives. When we yell at them, because of something the kids have done, it’s the same. When we take out our frustration about having trouble paying the bills, we’re forgotten to love her as well.

It seems that we always end up giving out wives the worst of us, rather than the best of us. Everything that goes wrong in our lives somehow ends up being taken out on her, whether we intend to or not. Even when we keep quiet, we end up taking it out on her; because we’re not engaged with her, communicating love and being together.

Our wives deserve better than that; they deserve our best. So, how do we give them that, instead of giving them what’s left over, after dealing with everything else? I’ve got a few ideas.

• As men, we have an innate ability to “put things on the shelf” in our minds, when we can’t solve them at the moment. Why not use that ability when we’re around our wives, shelving the problem until a better time.
• As much as possible, deal with the problem before you get home from work. That way, you’re not bringing it home to her.
• Remember who the problem is and that it isn’t her. Don’t let her become the recipient of anger and frustration which belong to another.
• Keep reminding yourself that you love her; that will help you prevent giving her the worst instead of remembering to give her the best.

Healthy Fighting?

There are those who say that fighting is a healthy part of a marriage. While I definitely can’t put myself in the same camp as them, I do recognize that disagreement is part and parcel of any relationship, even marriage. A couple who never has disagreements is usually a couple who is avoiding talking about anything that might be a touchy subject for one or the other.

Fighting, in and of itself is destructive. If you don’t believe me, just look at war. War is totally destructive; the process of fighting a war is all about destroying things and destroying lives. That’s the problem I have with fighting in marriage, it also destroys lives.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t think there is a healthy way of dealing with problems and disagreements. However, there is one major essential difference between dealing with problems and disagreements in a healthy way and doing so by fighting. That difference is whose side you are on.

In a fight, it’s my side against your side. I attack you and you attack me. Whoever is the strongest smartest or has the biggest guns wins. That’s not healthy in marriage. In that type of fighting, somebody’s going to get hurt. In fact, there’s a really good chance that both are going to get hurt.

The healthy way to deal with those problems is for the two of you to attack the problem together. That way, you’re on the same team. Recognize that the problem is there, and find a way to defeat it. Both should be shooting their guns at the problem, not at each other; and stay focused on shooting at the problem until you get the victory. Whatever you do, don’t let yourselves start taking potshots at each other, that’s not going to solve the problem.

Attacking the problem together is about finding a solution together. Maybe the problem is caused by one person, but that doesn’t mean that the solution is for them to change. It could be that the other one makes some sort of accommodation, so that the problem is taken care of.

For example, maybe there is a problem with not spending enough time together. This is a common complaint for women. Okay, so the classic way of dealing with this is whining, complaining, nagging and manipulating. That all leads to a fight, in which she’s yelling at him for not spending time with her and he’s yelling at her for being a miserable to be around. But the root of the problem in this case is that he’s spending all of his time at the store he’s trying to get off the ground and not making time for her.

Okay, he needs to make a change, but maybe he doesn’t see his need to change. That doesn’t mean that there isn’t a solution. Another solution could be for her to become involved in some part of what he is doing at the store, so that they are doing that activity together. That solves the problem, even if it is in an unconventional way.

Don’t get me wrong here; I’m not even coming close to saying that if your wife has a problem with how you are doing something that you should tell her to make some change to accommodate you. What I’m saying is that the best solution might involve her making a change to accommodate you.

Going back to our example; if the couple sat down together, with the attitude of “we have a problem” instead of “I have a problem with you” then they’ve set the stage for resolving it together. But, the moment that accusations start, the chance of peaceful accommodation ends. So, the key in making this work is to eliminate accusations from the discussion.

Without the accusations, it’s much easier to look for a solution. However, when the accusations start flying, then it’s all about “every man for himself.” The instinct for self-preservation takes over, the fangs and claws come out and all out warfare begins.

We have to realize that disagreement is going to happen, but that the it’s much better to forestall that disagreement by dealing with the problem, before anyone gets hurt. Paul wrote to the Ephesians, “Don’t let the sun go down on your wrath…” How do we do that? By dealing with the problem while it is still small, before it can get to be a big problem, before open warfare begins.

Besides, its’ much more fun to make up, when there wasn’t a fight to make up for. 

Read Together

As I’ve said more than once, spending time together is a major part of being romantic. Love, without time, tends to wither, like a plant that isn’t given water. I guess that we could say that spending time together is the way that we water the garden of our love.

Of course, spending time together doesn’t mean just sitting in front of the television, vegetating. For that time to be valuable, it has to be spent doing something together, not just being in each other’s presence. My wife and I share an office. I have my desk with my computer to work on and she has hers. But, just because we’re in the office working at the same time, doesn’t mean that we’re spending time together. For it to count as time together, we’ve got to be focused on one another.

Finding activities where we are actually focused on one another, instead of just focused on something else in each other’s presence, adds another layer of complexity to the equation. Other than taking, which a lot of us guys aren’t all that comfortable doing, it can be hard finding things to do together, where we’re really together and not just in the same room.

One activity which we can do together as a couple, where we can be focused on each other is to read together. Now, it’s obvious that to do this, you’ll have to find a book which you’ll both be interested in. I guarantee you that your wife isn’t going to be interested in reading a car repair manual with you; nor can I see her wanting to spend time together reading about how to prepare your own income taxes.

The best books for this are marriage and relationship related ones. There are a lot of good marriage related books out there, which you can actually enjoy together. Who knows, you might even learn something about how to have a better marriage, while you’re at it.

Another benefit to reading these types of books together is that they help you to talk about your relationship. You see, reading together isn’t just reading what’s on the page, but interjecting your own comments, talking about the ideas that the book is presenting and come up with your own ways of integrating those ideas into your marriage.

I’d recommend starting with something that’s not going to be threatening to either of you; like Smalley’s “The Language of Love,” or Gary Chapman’s “The Five Love Languages,” or even Harley’s “His Needs, Her Needs.” These books are more about understanding each other, than telling one or the other of you that you need to do something. That’s what makes them non-threatening. On the other hand, a book which says “you need to do this to be a good husband” or “you need to do this to be a good wife” can come across as an attack.

Remember, you want to be able to talk about what you’re reading. That can only happen when you’re reading something that is non-threatening. If you pick a book that attacks one of you, then the possibility of positive conversation is greatly limited.

Enjoy taking some time to learn something new together. Not only will it be a great way of spending time together, but it will also be a great way of learning to know each other even better. 

Let God in Your Marriage

I don’t know about you, but I’ve found that I’m not the perfect husband. For that matter, I’ve never been a perfect husband and I probably never will. I can try all I want, but somehow it just doesn’t seem to happen. Somehow or other, I manage to mess up from time to time.

All right, we can do the cop out thing on this and just say something like, “Hey, I’m human, what do you expect?” That’ll work, but like I said, it’s a bit of a copout. I’m not really into copouts. I guess they’re just too easy. I’d rather do something about my imperfections than make excuses for them. At least that way I’m making progress in my life.

So, if I’m not perfect and I want to be, obviously I need some help. That’s why I read what others write about marriage. While much of it is stuff I’ve heard before, there’s plenty of it which I haven’t. I can always find some nugget of truth to be gained from other people’s writings, especially certain people who I’ve learned to trust (see my links page to find them).

Even reading their stuff isn’t enough. While it helps, just reading doesn’t mean doing. Somehow, I’ve got to get it from the eye bone to the heart bone and from there into the action bones. That’s a whole lot harder than just reading it; especially when it’s something that I really don’t want to do.

That’s actually the key to not being successful in marriage, that part about what I want to do and what I don’t want to do. If I let my own will and desires control my marriage, it’s going to be a disaster. That makes for a self-centered marriage, which never works. Marriage, any marriage, can only be successful when it is other centered, not self-centered.

That’s where God needs to come into the marriage. As long as I leave Him out of my marriage, I’m going to try and put myself on the throne, as king of my marriage and king of my home. But, when I let him take the throne, then that changes everything. If I’m not on the throne, I won’t be focused on what I want, but what makes Him happy; and what makes Him happy is when I act with love towards my wife. As Jesus said, “A new commandment I give unto you, love your wife as I have loved you.” Okay, okay, it really doesn’t say that, it says “love one another.” But, c’mon now, isn’t your wife a “one another?”

When God is on the throne of my marriage and both my wife and I are working to serve Him, then we are working together towards a common goal. That builds relationship. Instead of marriage being me doing my thing and her doing her thing, with us getting together once in a while; we’re being together, as we work to satisfy what God wants for us.

You know something? When we do things that way, we always win. Why do we win? Because He makes sure that we do. Isn’t that great? By quitting trying to win and focusing on letting God win, we win. Man, it can’t get any better than that.

So, the real question you need to ask yourself today is: have you let God take the throne in your marriage?

What’s Your Hobby, Hubby?

You know, everyone needs something they can do to relax. Even… no especially workaholics need to relax sometime; take their mind off their work, think about something not so important and just unwind and recharge the batteries. It’s much easier to face Monday when we’ve had a good time over the weekend, gotten our minds off our work and thought about simpler things.

The only thing is, a lot of the things we pick as hobbies are things we do with the guys not with the gal who’s the most important person in our lives. Think about it. How many guys’ hobbies are all about sports? Right? Now, how many women do you know who are really sports fans? I mean, when you sit down to watch the game or go out to shoot some hoops, is your wife there at your side? Or, do you have to leave her aside, in order to enjoy your hobby?

Now, I’m not against any of the things that guys do as hobbies, I’m really not. But, I am against things that take away time that I could better spend with my wife. Before I married her, I used to love going hunting, fishing and camping. I had a Honda Gold Wing motorcycle; back when they only had 1000 cc engines. I had things I enjoyed doing. I had hobbies.

But you know what? My wife didn’t enjoy any of my hobbies. She’s a city girl, so the idea of hunting, fishing or camping just doesn’t work for her. The first time we went camping, it was a disaster. Not only did we have bad weather, but there was dirt, and sticks and… and… bugs. She really didn’t enjoy herself.

Even after nine years of living in a motor home, traveling and ministering, my wife never did get used to the great outdoors. Oh, she likes to see the beauty of God’s creation, but only through the windshield, thank you very much. When it comes to getting out and walking in that nature, she’d much rather do her walking in a shopping mall.

My Gold Wing was even more of a problem; she was afraid of it. The one time that she got on the back, she froze. I mean really froze. I thought I was going to have to use a crowbar to get her off of it. Not that she didn’t want to get off, but that she was so afraid. She was obviously not born to adorn the back of a bike.

So, I was faced with a bit of a dilemma. I could either go hunting, fishing, camping and ride my motorcycle, or I could spend time with my wife. Quite a dilemma, right? Actually, for me, it wasn’t much of a dilemma. You see, even though I enjoyed those other things, my wife was much more important to me. If I couldn’t spend time with her doing those things, then it took a lot of the fun out of doing them; especially knowing that if I wasn’t doing them, I could be with her.

I’m sure you can guess what happened. I let those things go. No, it wasn’t that I made a huge sacrifice for my wife (said with great drama, in a deep voice, with orchestration in the background), it was that I decided what was more important to me. She won. Since she was more important, I found that I didn’t have time for those other things.

Now, one might think that that was enough, but it isn’t. You see, it’s one thing to get rid of something that is damaging to your relationship, but it’s another thing to do something that’s constructive for your relationship. Many would look at that “sacrifice” and think, “She should appreciate what I’ve done for her.” But, in reality, she doesn’t see it that way; not because she’s insensitive, but because she was never part of that part of my life.

I needed to replace those activities with activities which I could do with my wife. I needed things which we could do together, not because we had to, but because we wanted to. It doesn’t matter so much what they are, just that they are. Just as the time shooting hoops with your buddies helps build that relationship, spending time doing fun things with your wife will help build your marriage relationship.

If you’re going to have hobbies in life (and I think you should) then they should be hobbies which the two of you can do together. Not only will those hobbies end up being more fun, because you’re doing them with your best friend, but they’ll build up your marriage as well.

So, hubby, what’s your hobby?