When the Cat's Away...

Okay, anyone who read my blog post this morning might have gotten the idea that my wife is out of town. Well, let me start by confirming that. She left at 0-dark-thirty this morning to go to her mother’s funeral. Fortunately, her mother accepted the Lord two weeks before passing away, so we’re rejoicing that she’s probably happier now than she has ever been in her life.

Anyway, that’s why I’m talking about how to be romantic while your wife is traveling, because that’s what I’m trying to do right now.

So, I’m sure you’ve heard the saying “When the cat’s away, the mice will play.” Before entering the ministry, I had to do a fair amount of business traveling. Unfortunately, some of the times I was traveling, I had to travel with co-workers who seemed to forget that they were married, as soon as they got on the airplane. Other times, their wives had to travel, and they talked like they were free and single once again.

Okay, obviously as Christians we don’t want to act like that. But, I want to go a little farther. Because, you see, it’s not just what we do, but what our wives think we do that matters. You might think that her thoughts are her problem, but I’d have to disagree. Often, her thoughts become our problems.

Of course, many of those thoughts are put there by “friends,” family members, neighbors and co-workers that our wives have to put up with. It’s like everyone wants to convince them that their husband couldn’t be faithful, because there’s no such thing as a faithful man. While I know that many women have reason to think this way, I also know that we, as believers, have to make sure that we aren’t this way.

Once again, we need to go one step further. It’s not enough that we don’t do anything wrong; I firmly believe that we need to be so committed to our wives that they would laugh at the idea that we could be unfaithful. I’m not talking about a blind faith that they might have in us; I’m talking about a faith in us that’s based upon reality.

We have to realize that not only are those “friends” trying to convince our wives that we’re unfaithful, the enemy is actively trying to convince them of it as well. While she needs to “cast down every vain imagination” we need to make it easy for her to do that.

Okay, so how do we do that? I think there are a couple of very important things which we need to demonstrate to our wives. The first one is that she needs to see that we don’t look at other women. Take my word for it; your wife knows if you are looking at other women. She can recognize the hot chicks out there just as well as you can. But she doesn’t stare at them, she looks to see if you are.

The next thing we need to do is keep in communication with her while we are apart. When I was traveling for business, I made it a point to call my wife every day, no matter where I was. Now, most of my travels are out of the country, so it’s much harder to keep in touch with her. Nevertheless, I keep in contact with my wife, whether I’m texting her from Mexico or sending her e-mails from Colombia.

Finally, we need to make sure that our wife knows that she is loved. A woman who feels loved by her husband is much less likely to accept the idea that he’s fooling around. Of course, a man who is acting in love towards his wife is much less likely to fool around as well, so it works well from both sides. When she knows that she is loved, it’s much easier for her to cast down those vain imaginations, because she knows the truth; and she knows that the truth is in her favor.

So, what to do when the cat’s away? Play a game of finding ways to express your love to your wife, just as if you were both at home. 

Me, Write a Love Letter?

Women love words. In case you hadn’t noticed, they tend to use more of them than we do. Whereas we get turned on by looking at their bodies, they get turned on by the words that we speak. So, it would seem to me that it would be in our benefit to learn how to use words well.

Most guys freak out at the idea of writing a love letter, or expressing their love in any verbal manner whatsoever. But, you know, it’s really not all that hard. You don’t have to be a Shakespeare to write a love letter, all you have to do is put words on paper. The words you choose have to be words that express  your love in a positive way, so that your wife will receive a message of love from them.

I remember back in school, when I had to write papers. I used to hate it. I’d write what I thought was an interesting paper, with lots of facts presented in a logical manner. Then the teachers would ignore my content, downgrading me for misplaced commas, spelling errors and wrong verb forms. It didn’t matter what I had written; all they cared about was whether I remembered to dot my I’s and cross my t’s. Definitely have me a bad taste for writing (and now I’m a writer, how ironic).

Then, my wife and I were working on some projects together, and the same thing happened all over again. I’d write something, and instead of saying something like “Wow, that’s a really great explanation,” my wife would point out the same sorts of errors that the teacher’s did. Not cool.

Nevertheless, you and I can relax, because that doesn’t happen with love letters. Love letters are about content, not about grammar and spelling. Your wife isn’t going to give you a D- in the love letter department, just because your grammar isn’t up to snuff. However, she might give you that D- if you never writer her one.

Love letters are about expressing feelings; specifically the feeling of love. So, that’s what you need to do. How? Actually it’s rather simple. Pick something that you love about your wife and tell her. Say, “I love you because…” or “I love the way you…” anything like that will work. You can embellish it with a few strategically placed “I love you” statements and maybe a few other phrases like “you’re so special” and “I’m so glad I married you.” Actually, the more embellishments like that you can come up with, the better.

Don’t worry if it’s not about to make it to the top ten on the New York Times Best Seller’s List. It will make it to her top ten list and that’s all that matters. The fact that you wrote her a love letter is the key. So, grab a pen or your computer keyboard and get writing. 

Guard Your Thoughts

Have you ever noticed how hard it is to be loving towards your wife when you don’t feel loved? Of course, for us guys, the sexual part of our marriage relationship has a lot to do with our feeling loved, so that means that most men struggle with feeling unloved. Yet, believe it or not, our wives are expressing their love towards us, just not in the way that we want.

In the typical marriage, there’s a lot of sex up until the first baby comes along. Then, what had been once a day (or more) suddenly drops down to an average of once every 10 days. Husbands everywhere are baffled by this phenomenon, even realizing that their wives are tired from taking care of the baby. Yet, that realization doesn’t do much to cover up the hurt they feel inside, because their wives are paying so much attention to the baby and so little to them.

Of course, women don’t see the incongruity of this, because their focus is on the baby. They don’t realize the problem their husband faces, and if he ever tries to bring it up, it comes across to her as selfishness. She’s giving her all for the baby, and can’t understand why he can’t understand that she doesn’t have anything left for him.

This becomes a major crossroads for most married couples. They either go forward, learning to overcome the new struggles, or they start falling apart. Sadly, too many start falling apart. Because the husband doesn’t feel loved by his wife, he stops expressing love towards her. She then feels rejected by him and acts even less loving towards him. When he wants sex, she feels as if he is just using her, whereas before she felt it was an expression of love between them.

For most couples, this problem never stops; it just keeps spiraling downwards. Sadly, they never learn to overcome the negative emotions and return to a truly loving relationship. So, instead of being the marriage God intended them to be, they end up being little more than roommates.

The first thing we need to realize in all this is that our enemy, the devil, is the one who is putting those thoughts into our minds, the thoughts that we aren’t loved. It’s not a rational analysis of the situation; it’s not even a message we’re receiving from our wives, it’s a lie that we’re being told. Unfortunately, it’s a lie that’s all too easy to accept.

We are commanded to “cast down vain imaginations and anything that exalts itself against the power of God.” Well, take my word for it; all those thoughts about your wife not loving you are definitely vain imagination. Cast them down. You don’t need them, you don’t want them, and if you let them, they’ll destroy your marriage. Get rid of them, before they get rid of your love.

How do you get rid of them? There are many ways. First of all, think on the good in your wife, those things which you love and appreciate about her, instead of focusing on the negative. Then, take it one step further and find some way to express love towards her, even if you don’t feel like it. Your feelings will end up following you actions. The best way to get over feeling negatively towards your wife is to do something special to express love towards her.

The second thing we need to realize is that our love towards our wives and our expression of that love should not be dependent upon their expression of love towards us. We are commanded to love our wives, in the same manner that Christ loved the church. How is that? By giving Himself for her. We are to give and give and give, whether we feel like we are receiving or not. Even more so, we’re to give with a good attitude.

You see, if we’re just being romantic in the hopes of receiving something back from our wives, we’re not expressing a pure love towards them. Granted, we all hope to have our love reciprocated, but that’s really not the point of expressing love. Anyone can express love when they are feeling loved, it takes a real man to express love when he doesn’t feel loved.

We also need to understand that women don’t understand love in the same manner that men do. Gary Chapman’s book on The Five Love Languages is a great primer on how to express love. Even so, let me give you the simplified version. Women understand romance as expressions of love. That’s it. That’s really what this blog is all about, teaching men to express love in a way that their wives will understand.

So, when’s a good time to be romantic? Really, any time is a good time. But, the best time to be romantic is when you don’t feel loved. Then, it’s a true expression of love “as Christ loved the church.”

An Old-Fashioned Expression of Love

It can be a bit challenging to continually come up with new ways to express your love to your wife. Of course, you can continue to do the old ones, but women like new things; they like it when you can surprise them with something, especially when you can surprise them with some new expression of love. So, variety is an important part of romance.

Let me explain. If you buy your wife flowers, she thinks you’re romantic. If you buy them the second day, she thinks you’re really romantic. On the third day, she’s bragging to her friends about how romantic you are. But, when you come home with flowers on the fourth day, she’s going to wonder what you’re up to. By the end of the week, her reaction is more like “Oh, flowers again, ho hum, that’s nice.” It’s not that she doesn’t like flowers any more, it’s just that it’s become routine.

While I have yet to find a woman who doesn’t like her husband to tell her he loves her, I’m sure that just saying so can become routine as well. That doesn’t eliminate the importance of telling her, it just shows that we need to add some variety to keep things fresh.

For those of you who are old enough to remember, one way that we used to express love was to carve a heart with our initials in the bark of a tree. Now, I realize that’s not a high-tech way of expressing love, but you know, love doesn’t require high-tech. love has existed since before tech existed. People were able to express love to one another before technology came along, and believe it or not, we still can.

Now, I’m not a fan of vandalism, so I’m going to avoid doing this romantic act in the park. Instead, I’d like to suggest that you pick a tree in your own yard, and carve your initials in it. Make sure you’ve got a good, sharp pocket knife, preferably one with a locking blade. You really don’t want to get cut in the process of showing your love.

It’s up to you whether you do it, then show her, or take her with you while you do it. I guess that depends a bit on how good you are at carving. You may want to practice a bit, before showing off your new artistic ability to your wife.

One of the neat things about this is its permanence. I’ve seen trees with initials carved in them in rather remote places; places where not many people go. I always wonder when it was done, and by whom. Well, if you carve your heart in a tree in your back yard, whoever lives in that house after you will be wondering who you were. 

Touch her Tender

Most guys are touchy. We just like to touch. We like the feel of our wife’s skin, so we touch her whenever we can. Of course, if the only way we ever touch her is sexual, then she tends to think that sex is all we want.

Granted, pretty much all guys like sex. While I’m sure there’s one in a million out there who doesn’t, the rest of us do. But, you know; touch doesn’t have to be about sex; it doesn’t even have to be sexual. It can just be loving, without having to be sexual at all. I don’t know about you, but I like to touch my wife just to touch her, it doesn’t have to be sexual.

According to Gary Chapman’s book, “The Five Love Languages” touch is one of the ways in which we both express and understand love. I guess that’s why we like to touch so much; it’s an expression of love. Only, when we always make it sexual or don’t do it “right” it doesn’t convey the message that we want it to.

Women’s skin is much more sensitive than men’s skin is. So, a light touch is very important. That same light touch that would make us go crazy because it tickles can make her go crazy because it feels good. Yep, that’s right, if you want her to enjoy it, it has to be light enough that it would bug you to no end.

Remember when you were dating? It was a big deal to sit in a movie and get to put your arm around a girl. Typically, your arm wouldn’t be just hanging there, but your index finger would be making little circles on her shoulder or upper arm. Now, remember how you touched her? It was a light touch, wasn’t it? Why? Because somehow you just knew that was what was called for.

Well, guess what? You were right. Although I’ll have to say that making the same little circle over and over again can make her arm feel a little bit raw after a while; better to move it around a bit more.

Women like that light touch. In fact, they like a feather touch. So, if you can’t touch her light enough on your own, get a feather. In fact, why not get a feather duster; not the one she uses for the house, but one that you can use just for her. She isn’t going to be impressed if you use a dirty feather duster on her back.

Okay, so if you’re not going to touch her sexually, where should you touch her? Good question. Believe it or not, there’s lots of places you can touch your wife, which aren’t really sexual; we just have trouble focusing on them. Why not touch her on her legs? Or touch her back? My wife really likes it when I touch her on the back of the neck. It really doesn’t matter where, as much as it matters how.

Touching her this way can express love to her in a way that she’ll understand much better than touching her sexually; and who knows, it might lead to something more. But leave that up to her.

Sex Flowers

Recently, I read a blog post by a woman, written to women, entitled “Sex Flowers.” I can’t remember who wrote it, nor can I find the posting by searching for it; so whoever it was, I give them thanks.

One of the struggles we have, as men, is in understanding the thought process of our wives. A large percent of marital fighting is over misunderstandings. That’s because we don’t speak the same language. While both men and women use the same words to speak, we don’t necessarily apply the same meanings to those words.

The same thing happens with our actions. We might do something, with one intention, yet our wives have a totally different understanding of it. Take the guy who spends his whole Saturday doing the “honey-do” list, in order to show his wife that he loves her. At the end of the day, he collapses on the couch, tired but satisfied that he’d done those things for his wife. She sits down too and says, “You don’t love me.” Frustrated and amazed, he responds, “What are you talking about, I just spent the whole day doing things you wanted me to do, in order to show you that I love you?” To which she says, “But you didn’t say the words, ‘I love you’.”

Granted, situations like that can be very frustrating; and unfortunately, they show up way too often. We think we’re doing good; but our wives don’t see it the same way.

That’s the situation which that woman was writing about in her blog post. She had made love to her husband and he bought her flowers the next day. She called them “sex flowers,” because in her mind, he had bought the flowers for her as “payment” for sex. It took her a while, but she finally realized that his motivation wasn’t to pay her, but because he was feeling loving towards her.

It’s very easy for us as guys to feel loving towards our wives after sex; but the reality is that we should be just as loving to them before the sex. If the only time we do something loving for our wives or buy a gift for them is the day after sex, I can understand how they would take it wrong. In their eyes, the only time they were loved would be because of sex.

The easy solution for this misunderstanding is to make sure that you act loving towards her and buy her romantic gifts even when she isn't giving you the sex you want. While that may go against your natural inclination, it will really show her that you love her. It will shout the message that your love isn't just about sex. 

Sure, all us guys like sex, love sex, and want more sex; but our wives aren’t wired the same way we are. Sex requires a much bigger emotional investment on her part, than it does on your part. If her love tank is running near empty, she may not feel as if she has enough in there to invest in giving you sex. On the other hand, if it’s running near full, she’s going to be ready whenever you want her to be. It’s up to you to make sure her love tank is full.

Now, don’t take this as I’m saying that the only reason you should be romantic is so that you can get sex. You should be romantic because your wife needs for you to be romantic, so that she will feel loved. At the same time, making her feel loved is the best way to ensure that she’ll make you feel loved as well.

Passing Notes

If you’re as old as I am, you might still remember the days before we had cell phones and could send text messages back and forth through the ether. That didn’t stop us from sending messages however; it just made their delivery a little slower and more dependent upon the assistance of our friends. In school, kids would write notes to their friends, and then pass them back and forth through the aisles, when the teacher’s back was turned.

Of course, if you got caught, it was a little harder to deny anything with the evidence in the teacher’s hands. It could get real embarrassing when she’d read the note in front of the whole classroom; something that no one else would consider doing.

Well, guess what? I’ve made an amazing discovery. Pen and ink still exist, even in this modern day of computers, cell phones and iPads. As strange as it seems, it’s still possible to write a note the old fashioned way, using a pen or pencil to put it on paper. Isn’t that strange? Hmm, I wonder if there’s a romantic application to that.

Well, if we could pass notes back and forth in school, I don’t see why we can’t do so in other environments. Why not surprise your wife with a series of little love notes, to be delivered one at a time, the next time you’re in a movie, concert or the kids school play?

Here’s what you do. Prepare your notes ahead of time, so that she doesn’t see you sitting there writing them. They don’t have to be long or fancy, just something that expresses your love for her. Put them in your pocket and take them along with you. Then, in the middle of the show, take one out and give it to her. Wait a bit, and repeat. In fact, keep repeating, until you run out of notes.

It’s just a fun way of letting your wife know that you love her. At the same time, it can add some real interest to what may end up being a rather boring program. Besides, you can never say “I love you” too many times.