Spring Gardening

We all know that women like flowers. At one time or another, I’ve given you some ideas of how to use flowers as a romantic act; not that giving her flowers is something that’s hard to figure out on your own, but they’re always a good idea. There is definitely a romantic connotation to giving flowers.

Well, why not give her a whole bunch of flowers. Now, that doesn’t mean that you’re going to get more points. Remember, it’s only one point per romantic act. However, there are some acts which manage to give more points, simply because she sees it over and over again. For example, you come home from work with a bunch of flowers one day. Okay, you get one point; that’s great. But, sometimes, you can get more mileage out of those flowers; not by anything you do, but by what she does. You see, every time she sees those flowers, there’s the chance that she’ll remember you giving them to her. Ding! You get another point. Or, if she tells one of her friends what you did, ding, you get another point.

Okay, so maybe we can capitalize on this a bit. Since it’s spring and we know that our wives like flowers, let’s get them some flowers. Only, this time, let’s make sure that those flowers will stick around for a while. In other words, let’s plant them outside for her.

It really doesn’t matter if the flowers we give our wives are inside the house or outside the house, just that we give her flowers. Granted, if they’re inside the house, she’s probably going to see them more often. But, that flower bed in the front yard is something she’s going to see every time she leaves the house and every time she comes home. Not only will she see it, but she’ll take special notice every time a flower blooms.

While there’s no way that I can guarantee you’ll get a point every time she looks at the flowers you planted for her, that opportunity does exist; especially when the new flowers bloom.

You can even make this a project that you do together and still reap points in the romance department. Have her go with you to pick out the flowers; that’s one romantic act. Then you can make the flower bed on your own. Finally, you can plant the flowers together, that’s romantic, because you’re doing something together.

Of course, you can always cut some of the flowers your garden grows and put them in a vase on the kitchen table when she’s not looking. I’d say that would count as another romantic act. Just make sure that you don’t mess up the flower garden when you do that. 

A Weekend Getaway

One of the biggest struggles couples have today is finding time to just be together. Even harder is to find time when you can be alone together. It seems like there’s always something which is trying to take your time, pulling you away from each other and keeping you too busy to just be together.

Whatever happened to all that time you seemed to have to spend together before you got married? Remember that? You could talk for hours, walk in the park, or go out to a movie, whatever you wanted to do. It seemed that there was always time to be together. Yet, once we get married, or maybe once that first baby comes along, life puts too many demands on our time.

Well, if you still want to spend time with your bride, as I’m sure you do, you just have to be a bit more imaginative and make an effort to do so. Actually, I think that’s a lot of it. You see, when we were dating, we made the time to spend together; but after we get married, we let other things take that time. Granted, some of those things are necessary, but at other times, we let it happen, telling ourselves that we can spend time with her later… only later never comes.

As long as you’re at home, there’s always going to be something to take that time. The phone will ring, somebody will drop by, one of the kids will need to be taken somewhere or something will break, demanding immediate attention. Whatever it is, it will rob you of the time that you were going to spend together.

There is a cure for this, that’s to get away from home. When you’re away, those things can’t happen as easily. That’s part of the importance of a date night; just getting away by yourselves. Well, if a date night works for that, then what about a date weekend? That would really give you some time alone together.

I can already hear your objections. You don’t have time, you don’t have the money, you don’t know how you’re going to be able to do it. Hold on a second. First of all, decide if you love your wife enough to spend a weekend alone with her. Then face each of those objections and find a solution for it. C’mon now, you’re a guy, you’re good at finding solutions to problems. So, find them.

Getting away for a weekend doesn’t have to be expensive. Granted, you’ve got to pay for a hotel and some meals, but you’re only talking about one night in a hotel. If you shop for price, you can get a decent price on that hotel. Likewise for the meals.

The kids aren’t the problem you think they are. You’ve got to have somebody they can spend a weekend with; their friends, grandparents, an aunt who hasn’t seen much of them. If you can’t come up with anything else, make a deal with some friends, where they take your kids for the weekend, and you do the same for them when they go for their weekend getaway.

I remember reading years ago about a boy who was asked “What’s the best day of the year?” He answered, “My parent’s anniversary.” Shocked, the questioner asked him “Why?” “Because,” he said, “my parents go away for the weekend.” Thinking that he understood, the questioner said, “Oh, you like having that weekend to yourself.” To which the child answered, “No, it’s the best day of the year, because when they do that, I know they love each other.”

Wow! You see, our children need to know that we love each other. All around them, they have friends and classmates whose parents are divorced. They feel insecure, knowing that the same thing could happen to them. Every time they hear you raise your voices to each other, that fear grips them; not fear that you’ll beat them, but fear that you’ll leave them.

We were recently counseling a couple who told us that their youngest son had brought them a piece of paper, asking them to sign it. Like any parent who has children in school, they thought it was something for school. It wasn’t. It was an agreement that the child had drawn up, to quit fussing at each other.

You’re not going to quit fussing at each other by dealing with life as it comes along. Life is guaranteed to cause you problems. You’ve got to do something special, so that you can break the cycle and just love one another. Taking a weekend to get away isn’t an expense; it’s an investment in your marriage, your happiness and your family’s security. 

Quit Telling Her So

It seems that one of the most satisfying things in life is when we get to tell someone “I told you so.” It’s as if those four words hold the power to vindicate us and show the world (or at least the person we’re talking to) that our opinion was valid and we were right all the time.

When that opportunity to tell someone that we were right and they were wrong comes along, there are few who can resist the temptation to let it be known, declaring it out loud. It’s almost like we’re conditioned to say that, like a chicken who let’s everyone know that she’s just laid an egg. What pride! What satisfaction! What are we thinking?

C’mon now, is it really all that important to be able to say “I was right and you were wrong”? Where’s grace in that? For that matter, where’s love in it? Is it that our self-esteem is so small that we need to put others down, in order to build ourselves up? Even so, is that any way to treat a wife? Even more, is it any way to treat your wife?

Let me put it another way; how do you feel when she says that to you? Do you feel like she’s building you up? Do you feel loved? Or, do you feel like she’s putting you down? Well, guess what? She doesn’t feel loved and built up when you say it, than you feel when she says it.

So, if that’s the case, wouldn’t saying “I told you so” be anti-romantic? Hmm, think about that a moment. If we’re trying to be romantic towards our wives, so that they feel more loved and even more loving, then doesn’t it make sense to get rid of the anti-romantic things we do as well?

There’s another form of this same phrase, which we probably use even more than the one I’ve mentioned above. That’s to say “I’ve told you before” or “I’ve told you a thousand times” or some such. We tend to get irritated at our wives, when they don’t do things we’ve told them or don’t do them in the way we’ve told them. Since we feel vindicated for our irritation, we think nothing of telling her that she hasn’t been listening.

Okay, so what? Why do we have to make a big deal out of it when our wives don’t catch what we say, even if it does mean that they do things the wrong way? I mean really, what is gained by that anger? Wouldn’t it be better to just treat it as if it were the first time, and instruct her as if it were the first time?

Let’s take something simple, like not hanging the car keys on their hook. Every time your wife has to leave, she ends up searching for them again. That probably means that you end up helping her search for them, especially when she’s running late or in a hurry. So, what good does it do to get irritated, annoyed, made or even exasperated? Does that make you feel any more love and compassion towards here? Does it make you express love better? Does it even make you feel more loved? What? You’re saying no to all those questions? Then why bother wasting the energy getting mad?

It’s much easier to just face the fact of having to search for your wife’s keys as part of your life. Quit wasting time and energy on getting annoyed; just help her. Maybe you could buy her one those key rings that answers when you whistle or one that’s really big, so that it’s easier to see.

The point here is watching how you react to those things. All too often, we allow them to become points of irritation and strife, turning molehills into mountains, instead of treating them like what they are, just the little problems of life.

Learn to keep the little things little; it’ll make loving your wife all that much easier.

Chocolate!

Of all the substances which exist in the world, chocolate has to be one of the most romantic; especially if it’s dark chocolate, extra especially if it’s dark chocolate with some other flavor, like orange or raspberry, mixed in. Really; if chocolate wasn’t so romantic, why is it one of the top two Valentine’s Day gifts?

Granted, I might be a little prejudiced on this, being a chocoholic from a family of chocoholics; but I really think I’m on to something here. Other than the few people out there who are allergic to it, and the rare person who doesn’t like it, pretty much everyone loves chocolate.

With chocolate being so popular, why is it that we usually only buy it for our wives on Valentine’s Day or when we need to apologize for something? It seems to me, that buying chocolate for my wife is just as good a romantic act as buying her flowers. Neither of them will last forever, but by having another romantic gift idea, I can keep the variety going.

Now, there’s chocolate and then there’s CHOCOLATE. You know what I mean? I mean that not all chocolate is created equal. There’s the cheap chocolate that they sell in the valentine’s heart boxes, and there’s the really good, gourmet kind of chocolate that you buy at a Chocolatier. Now, that’s CHOCOLATE.

We’ve talked before how our wives don’t give us more points for doing a bigger romantic act, or for spending more money on a romantic act. So, there’s really no reason to spend a bunch of money buying a big box of chocolates. However, it really makes a great impression when you buy one or two really gourmet chocolate truffles instead. In fact, I think it makes more of an impact to buy two high-quality truffles from a Chocolatier than it does to buy a two-pound, $9.95 special.

Of course, if you buy her the two quality chocolates, they’re not going to last her very long, which gives you the opportunity to buy her more. Then too, by buying her only a couple, she’s not going to be complaining about what it does to her waistline. You can see it as a healthier gift.

Speaking of health, Chocolate has also been shown to help women overcome PMS and menopause. There’s something in the chocolate which is chemically very similar to estrogen, so by eating chocolate, it has a similar affect to their bodies producing more estrogen. Just a little side point here, women who have higher estrogen levels tend to have curvier, more voluptuous bodies.

So, what are you waiting for? Get out there and find yourself a nice little chocolate shop and surprise her with something to make her mouth happy, and the rest of them at the same time.

Another First Date

Do you remember your first date with your wife? Most of us do, if only vaguely. Of course, our wives usually remember it in great detail, down to the clothes we wore and what we ate. Their memories tend to be better at things like that then ours are.

Well, there’s no reason you can’t have another first date, or at least pretend to. You know, play acting can be as much fun for adults as it is for kids; especially when we do it with our spouses. It’s a harmless outlet for fantasies, adding a little spice to your relationship.

The normal problem with fantasies is that they either involve someone besides your wife or they involve doing things that your wife wouldn’t do. The first one is clearly wrong and the second can cause one to be dissatisfied in their marriage. That’s not saying that all fantasies are bad though, we just need to be careful about how we fantasize and who we fantasize with. There’s nothing wrong with fantasizing about your wife, nor is there anything wrong with acting out those fantasies (assuming the two of you are in agreement and it can’t hurt either of you).

So, if you’re going to have another first date, you’ve got to do the whole shebang. Call her up and ask her out on a date. Once you’ve got her agreement, explain what you’re going to do, pretending it’s your first date once again. If you can recreate any part of that date, like the place you went to, so much the better.

What did you do on your first date? Isn’t that, more than anything, a time of getting to know each other? So, whether you pick her up or you meet someplace, do it as if you don’t know each other. Go to a restaurant and tell her about yourself, get her to tell you about herself, ask questions, learn to know each other once again.

This can be a great ice breaker if you feel that you’ve been growing apart. At times, as the years pass, we feel as if we don’t know each other anymore. Well, if that’s the case, it’s time to start learning about each other once again. Even if it isn’t the case, I’ll bet that you’ll end up telling each other things that you didn’t know. That’s part of the fun, getting to know each other more.

Where it goes from there… well, that’s up to the two of you to decide.

Valentine’s Day Eve

It’s a given that your wife is expecting you to do something for her for tomorrow. Whether it’s buying her a gift, or flowers, or chocolates, or taking her out to eat, she’s pretty sure you’re going to do something. Just doing it on Valentine ’s Day makes it romantic. Unless you totally forget, in which case you really deserve to be in the dog house, just about anything you do for your wife will be romantic.

However, I can pretty much guarantee you that she’s not expecting you to do anything for her today. Even more so in that you’ll be doing something tomorrow. There’s no way that she’d expect gifts from you two days in a row. So, that gives you the opportunity to surprise her.

I don’t know why Christmas and New Year’s are the only holidays which have an “eve.” I mean, who’s ever heard of Easter Eve, or Independence Day Eve? Well, let’s create a new day; we’ll call it Valentine’s Eve. Why not? You see, that way we get to spread the joy and love of Valentine’s Day over a longer period of time. Instead of just having one day, why not have two?

Of course, if you really love your wife, every day should be a Valentine’s Day. You don’t need that excuse to do something romantic or to celebrate your love. My favorite excuse to be romantic towards my wife is just because. That’s enough.

So, don’t tell her what you’re going to do, you want the surprise to be good. But, tonight, when you come home from work have a small gift for her. It could be the classic flowers or chocolates; or you could get her some nice earrings. Whatever you get for her, you don’t want to get the same type of thing you’re going to give her tomorrow. You also, don’t want it to be bigger or more expensive than tomorrow’s gift. This is just a “teaser.”

When you give it to her, say, “Happy Valentine’s Day Eve.” She may not catch the “eve” part there, which might make it even better. You might be able to get a double surprise out of this one. She just might think that you’re going to give her anything tomorrow, just because you gave her something today. Then, when you give her a Valentine’s gift tomorrow, she’ll be surprised again.

Have fun, and don’t forget to tell her, “I love you.”

Passing Notes

If you’re as old as I am, you might still remember the days before we had cell phones and could send text messages back and forth through the ether. That didn’t stop us from sending messages however; it just made their delivery a little slower and more dependent upon the assistance of our friends. In school, kids would write notes to their friends, and then pass them back and forth through the aisles, when the teacher’s back was turned.

Of course, if you got caught, it was a little harder to deny anything with the evidence in the teacher’s hands. It could get real embarrassing when she’d read the note in front of the whole classroom; something that no one else would consider doing.

Well, guess what? I’ve made an amazing discovery. Pen and ink still exist, even in this modern day of computers, cell phones and iPads. As strange as it seems, it’s still possible to write a note the old fashioned way, using a pen or pencil to put it on paper. Isn’t that strange? Hmm, I wonder if there’s a romantic application to that.

Well, if we could pass notes back and forth in school, I don’t see why we can’t do so in other environments. Why not surprise your wife with a series of little love notes, to be delivered one at a time, the next time you’re in a movie, concert or the kids school play?

Here’s what you do. Prepare your notes ahead of time, so that she doesn’t see you sitting there writing them. They don’t have to be long or fancy, just something that expresses your love for her. Put them in your pocket and take them along with you. Then, in the middle of the show, take one out and give it to her. Wait a bit, and repeat. In fact, keep repeating, until you run out of notes.

It’s just a fun way of letting your wife know that you love her. At the same time, it can add some real interest to what may end up being a rather boring program. Besides, you can never say “I love you” too many times.

A Day of Rest

Have you ever noticed how many people go out to lunch after church on Sundays? You know, once upon a time, God established the Sabbath to be a day of rest. Jesus even said that the Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath. There’s a clear implication there that God knows we need a day to recharge the batteries, rest a bit and get ready to face the new week.

What about our wives? It seems to me that if man needs a day to recharge his batteries, then woman needs a day to recharge hers as well. After all, the old saying is that “a woman’s work is never done” so she could use a break too.

Okay, so why not give here that day of rest. This week, instead of going home after church, plopping down on the sofa and turning on the game, try something different; go out to eat after church. Don’t make your wife work, cooking and cleaning for you, while you’re sitting there like a bump on a log. Both of you can be bumps instead.

Now, if your wife is anything like mine, she’s not going to get home, after going to the restaurant, and immediately start working on something. This is where it starts getting tricky. You want to keep her from working on something all day long. That can be tricky, especially if your wife has a type A+ personality like mine does. She may not know how to sit back and relax; so you’ve got to help her.

Here’s the plan; every time you wife gets ready to start working on something, you grab her and find something else for the two of you to do together. Maybe take a walk, watch a romantic or humorous movie together, play a game, sit and talk or look at the old photo albums. If you can’t think of anything else, grab her and take her breath away with a passionate kiss. Whatever it takes, keep your wife from working all day long.

Now, there’s a bit of a game in this. Try and avoid telling her what it is that you are doing for as long as possible. If you have to tell her, go ahead and do so, but the longer you can avoid telling her, the better. Then, when you finally do tell her, she’ll go, “so that’s what you’ve been up to.”

Have fun, and even more, make sure she has fun.

A Soothing Word

You know, we all have a bad day now and then. Things go wrong; we get up on the wrong side of the bed; we have a bad hair day; whatever. Regardless of the cause, bad days happen and when they do, it generally clouds our disposition.

Of course, when it happens to us, we expect the world to understand and tread lightly around us. But, do we do the same for others? More specifically, do we do the same for our wives? When they have a bad day, are we considerate of them or do we see it as an infringement on our lives?

I remember hearing years ago that the woman sets the emotional atmosphere of the home. Oh how true that is. I remember days where I came home from the office and as I walked in the door I could tell my wife’s mood, without seeing or hearing her or the kids. Why? Because her bad mood had created a negative atmosphere in the home.

We need to be sensitive to those days, recognizing them for what they are and being ready to help our wives overcome their bad mood. That’s not necessarily the same as solving her problem. Solving the problem may not help her mood. Nor will helping her mood necessarily solve the problem. In a sense, there are two separate, but interconnected problems, whatever put her in a bad mood and her bad mood.

I guarantee you that if you walk in the door and find your wife upset because the washing machine broke down, telling her to call a repairman isn’t going to help her mood one bit. You could even call him yourself or fix it yourself, without helping her mood one bit. Yes, the washing machine needs to be fixed, but that’s not what’s bothering her. The emotional problem which the washing machine caused is the big problem; that needs to be dealt with in a totally different manner.

Remember that you always need to treat her emotions as something important. Whether or not the thing that made her upset is important to you is immaterial; what is important is that she’s bothered by it.

So, how do you help her in this situation? Like I said, don’t start by giving her a solution to her problem; instead, give her a soft word. Change the focus of the situation by talking about something else. Tell her you love her. Pray for her. Give her a big hug and a kiss. Remind her of something funny that happened (that she thinks is funny). Talk about something positive. More than anything, it’s your words that are going to help her overcome those negative feelings; so pick them with care. Let your words be words to build her up and soothe her; taking her mind off her problem and helping her feel secure and loved.

No matter what you do, don’t focus on the problem; at least, not until you help her. Granted, if the house if flooding, you might need to deal with that first, I’m not talking about those major crises’; I’m talking about the small to medium sized things. Don’t discount her emotions, either. They are hers, and if you invalidate them, you’re telling her that she’s invalid as well.

The other thing you never want to do is internalize her words. There’s a pretty good possibility that she’s going to end up lashing out at you verbally. Don’t sweat it; she really doesn’t mean it; she’s just expressing her frustration. If you allow yourself to accept those words, they will hurt, and instead of helping your wife, you’ll end up fighting with her. That’s not going to help anyone.

Remember, a soothing word, that’s what she needs. As King Solomon once said, “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger” (Pro 15:1).

Help Her Relax

I know I’ve talked about massage at one time or another in this blog, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t talk about it again. There’s something about receiving a massage that everyone likes; especially at the end of a long day.

While I’m sure there are hundreds of techniques for giving a massage, I tend to break it down into three basic ways:

• Using your hands
• Using a non-powered device
• Using a vibratory massager

While I’m sure that you could add something to that list, maybe something exotic or just plain weird, those are my top three list. Of the three, using your hands is the most personal, but using a vibratory massager really helps when one’s muscles are tight. If you don’t have one, you may want to consider the investment. That way you’ve got it available anytime your wife has had a rough day.

While it is possible to massage with clothes on, it works much better in the nude; or at least with her in the nude. It also helps a lot to use some massaging oil or hand lotion. That helps your hands or the massager to glide across her skin, without pulling or pinching. Some massage oils are “warming oils” functioning somewhat like those muscle creams that you use after a hard game of ball with the guys (even if you don’t want to admit it).

Take your time to give rub her back all over, down her legs as well. You’re trying to get her to relax, not trying to turn her on. Of course, once she’s relaxed, she might get turned on as well; you never know. If anything turns her on, it will be the attention you are paying her, not anything you do to her body.

Maybe you could start a new tradition between the two of you, where you give each other massages whenever you see that the other one has had a hard day. It could make coming home all that more precious.