Take the Kids Out

One of the hardest things for a mom, especially one who has small kids, is having time to herself. Kids demand attention and they often make their demands known at the most inconvenient times. You think it’s bad when they interrupt you trying to give her a kiss; well, that’s nothing compared to having them interrupt you when you’re trying to go to the bathroom.

Thank God for women. I really don’t think most of the men that I know could put up with taking care of small kids all day. But God has put something in the mothering nature that gives them patience for all those interruptions, skinned knees, sticky hands, dirty diapers and all that rest that goes with little kids.

I know it may not seem to you like your wife has the patience of a saint, but believe me, she does. You see her after she’s put up with that all day long. What you don’t see is how well she deals with it when you’re not there. No wonder she’s pretty much at the end of her rope when you get home from work. Who wouldn’t be?

Okay, so here’s the cure for your wife’s nerves; give her some time to herself. Sounds simple, right? Everybody needs time that they can just spend on themselves, with no interruptions, no sticky hands, no fighting kids and no tripping over toys. So give her that. Take the kids out somewhere, so that your wife can have some time alone.

Better yet, stop and get her some bubble bath, give it to her, and then take the kids out. Women love to pamper themselves and love to be pampered. So, give her a hint by buying the bubble bath. Before you leave, tell her that your purpose in taking the kids out is so that she can have some time for herself, not so she can clean the house, and then give her the bubble bath. I’m sure she’ll get the hint.

You don’t have to go anywhere fancy with the kids and spend a lot of money. Take them to the park; that’s enough of an outing for them. Have some quality time with them, pushing them on the swing, catching them coming off the slide and helping them climb the monkey bars. Who knows, maybe you can get on their with them.

While this may not seem all that romantic to you, it’s really three romantic things, wrapped up in one. First of all, you’re showing your wife that’s she’s special, by giving her some time for herself. On top of that, you’re giving her a romantic gift. I’m not exactly sure why bubble bath is considered a romantic gift, but take my word for it, it is. Finally, you’re showing your wife that you’re committed to being a good daddy; that’s important to her as well. So, you’re getting a three-fer by doing this one.

Vacations are Important Too

As guys, it’s really easy for us to get a bit of tunnel vision, focusing on our work and forgetting about everything else. Granted, if you’re reading this blog, you’re probably trying to focus on something other than your work, like your marriage. But still, even with that, it’s real easy for us to get dragged back into putting all our time and energy into our work, forgetting to spend time with those who are close to us.

We all need to take time to get away from our work every once in a while and focus on other things. Yeah, I know, you don’t make any money when you’re not working, right? I face the same problem. Nobody gives me two weeks of paid vacation so that I can sit around the swimming pool or pet the bears either. Nevertheless, that doesn’t mean that I should work 52 weeks per year. I need time off too.

I won’t even pretend that vacations are relaxing, because they aren’t. If anything, there more stressful than work is; especially if you think about the money you’re going to be spending. But that’s not the point. The point is to get away. More specifically, the point is to get away with those who you love, so that you can spend some time focused on them, rather than being focused on your job.

You see, more than anything, vacations are a great bonding time. They’re a time when we can get together as a family and just be a family. Yes, they’re a time when we can spend time doing fun things, but more importantly, they’re a time when we can do things together.

That’s what it’s really all about; doing things together. Every relationship needs those times together, in order to be nurtured and stay healthy. Without those times, it’s all too easy for a relationship to fall into disrepair, becoming non-functional and headed for disaster.

Of course, the other excuse that people use for not going on vacation is the cost. Granted, going somewhere on vacation is expensive. I know, I just bought the tickets. But that doesn’t mean that all vacations have to be expensive. It’s possible to go on vacation, without spending a fortune. While expensive vacations can be nice, they aren’t necessary. Quality vacation time is about spending time together, not spending money together.

Whenever you invest time in your marriage and family it pays dividends. Maybe they aren’t dividends that you can see right away, but they’re there nevertheless. Those dividends come into play at times we don’t expect and in ways that we don’t expect. They help the family through the hard times, when we need something to help us stick together and not turn on each other.

You see, without investing time in family relationships, we don’t have that reserve of “sticky glue” to keep us from falling apart in a crisis. The same thing applies to our marriages. Yet, when we do invest time in our family life, going on vacation or other family activities, we’re better able to face everything the world can throw at us.

One last point. You may be wondering why I’m even mentioning this on a blog that’s about romance. Believe it or not, spending time together as a family is romantic. I know, it may not seem like it is, but it is. Your children are very important to your wife. She needs to know that you are as committed to them as you are to her. Otherwise, her loyalties are going to be divided between you and them. If you want to work together as a team, you have to build the team. That means taking time to do so. When you show your wife that you’re concerned enough about the family to spend time together, you eliminate one worry for her, making it easier for her to pay attention to you.

Time with Her Friends

We’ve been on a theme here of her feeling pressured by time and the need to get so many things done; so I want to stay on that for another day. Yesterday, I talked a bit about play as a way to help her relax; today I want to hit on another aspect of that. That is, time with her friends.

Hopefully, you are her best friend. If not, there’s something missing out of your relationship. Nevertheless, even if you are her best friend, it’s not healthy for her (or for you) for you to be her only friend. Women need other women as friends, someone they can talk to about girl stuff; someone they can talk to about you.

Yeah, as scary as that sounds, we’ve got to realize that our wives do talk about us. Their friends get to hear about all our failings. If that’s not enough to strike fear in your heart, then nothing is. Women talk to each other about everything; I mean everything. Where us guys need to build a really solid, long term relationship with each other, before we’ll open up; women build that relationship by opening up. They’ll talk about things in their first meeting that we won’t talk about for nine months. (Maybe you should rethink what you’re doing a bit, to make sure there’s nothing there that you don’t want her friends to know about.)

Anyway, let me get back on track here. Women need that communication with other women. There’s no way that we, as guys, can fulfill that need. We might try to and our wives might try and force us to, but it’s not the same thing. There are things that our wives won’t talk about with us, but will talk about with their girlfriends. That’s’ an important part of maintaining her mental and emotional health.

Okay, so what do we do about that? It’s not like we can make friends for her. No, we can’t, but we can provide opportunities for them to get together with their friends. Busy mothers, especially busy mothers of preschoolers often feel isolated, because going out to be with their friends is just too much hassle.

Think about it for a minute. When was the last time you took the baby somewhere by yourself. You have to get the diaper bag ready, prepare the bottles, make sure you’ve got some snacks and toys. Then you’ve got to load the playpen and stroller into the car, and then, after all that, you can grab the baby, put them in the car seat and go. That’s a lot of stuff to do, every time you want to go out. So, many mothers don’t bother, just because of the hassle.

Then there’s the problems she can encounter with the baby at the other end. What if her friend’s house isn’t baby proofed, or even worse, toddler proofed. Toddlers get into everything; often with disastrous results. So, to avoid the embarrassment of having the baby break some family heirloom, mom stays at home.

Her decision to stay at home, avoiding her friends, becomes the lesser of two evils for her. Unfortunately, it’s a decision that costs her; it costs her emotionally. For that matter, it also costs you. So, you need to do something about it.

The quick answer would be to have her friends over to your house. At least, that would be the quick answer to a guy. But, that isn’t a quick answer for her. Have you ever watched your wife, when you know that friends are coming over? She suddenly goes into a cleaning frenzy. Sharks in a feeding frenzy can’t compare to a woman in a cleaning frenzy. She’ll beat them, hands down.

To help, we usually say something dumb like, “Why are you worried about that, it’s just so-and-so?” I guarantee you, that doesn’t help. All that does is show that we’re insensitive to what’s important to her. She has to have a clean house, so that the other woman can’t see that she’s not a good homemaker. Regardless of whether that other woman would think that; even if she’s blind, that’s a real concern to our wives. She can’t stand having herself seen as less than super-mom.

Okay, so if that’s not going to work, what can we do? Simple, give her times that she can get together with her friends, preferably away from home, without worrying about the kids. That means that you, get to be dad, and take care of the kids, so that your wife can have a time to relax.

Let me tell you, we’re talking major good guy points here. You will be amazed what a couple of hours at the mall or coffee shop with a couple of friends will do for your wife. She’ll breeze back in the house refreshed and ready to slay that dragon once again. She might even be ready to tackle that project she’s been putting off for months. 

Don’t Forget Mother’s Day

As I was in Wal-Mart last night, doing a little grocery shopping, I saw swarms of men buying flowers and Mother’s Day balloons. It took me a moment to catch on, as I was thinking they were buying their flowers a bit early. Those flowers wouldn’t last well till the weekend, especially if those men forgot to put them in water.

While we celebrate Mother’s Day this coming Sunday, in Mexico it is celebrated today. Since the population where I live is 87% Hispanic, I should have caught on to that a bit sooner. Once I did, I was glad to see all those flowers going out the door.

Mexico makes a big deal about Mother’s Day. Largely due to the history of the Conquista, mothers play a very big part in the family. While Father’s Day isn’t all that big a deal, Mother’s Day is. In fact, Mexican men often stay very close to their mothers all through their lives; often closer than they ever get to their wives.

While I’m not in agreement with the idea of being closer to one’s mother than their wife, I appreciate how much effort the Mexican people put into celebrating Mother’s Day and the high honor they bestow upon their mothers on this day.

Yet, what about the rest of the year? How much honor to we give to our wives, as the mothers of our children, the rest of the year. How much honor do we expect our children to give them? Do we let them get away with arguing with their mother, or do we step in and put a stop to it?

There is a difference between the authority of a man and the authority of a woman. While she is always mom, she’s still a woman. She isn’t the physical threat to the kids that you and I are. C’mon now, when a woman spanks her kids, does it really hurt? Not with most women. They don’t have the upper body strength or know how to get the leverage to make that spanking mean much of anything. Oh, the kids cry all right, but that’s just to get out of it getting any worse.

Way too many kids argue with their mothers, while their father sits there quietly, letting it happen. That’s out and out rebellion, and when we allow it, we’re undermining our wife’s authority with the children. Remember, a woman’s children are an important part of her life and her world. Whatever happens with them affects every area of her life. So, when they are rebellious and we let them get away with it, we’re helping bring down her world.

God never intended for women to be men. Isn’t that great? Well, then why do we expect them to act like men, when it comes to dealing with rebellious children? Make up your mind. Do you want your wife to be feminine or masculine? If you want her to be feminine, then expect her to be feminine in everything. That means, when she needs strength, such as for dealing with the kids, you have to be her strength.

Make your children treat your wife with respect. In doing so, you’ll show her that you respect her too.

A Weekend Getaway

One of the biggest struggles couples have today is finding time to just be together. Even harder is to find time when you can be alone together. It seems like there’s always something which is trying to take your time, pulling you away from each other and keeping you too busy to just be together.

Whatever happened to all that time you seemed to have to spend together before you got married? Remember that? You could talk for hours, walk in the park, or go out to a movie, whatever you wanted to do. It seemed that there was always time to be together. Yet, once we get married, or maybe once that first baby comes along, life puts too many demands on our time.

Well, if you still want to spend time with your bride, as I’m sure you do, you just have to be a bit more imaginative and make an effort to do so. Actually, I think that’s a lot of it. You see, when we were dating, we made the time to spend together; but after we get married, we let other things take that time. Granted, some of those things are necessary, but at other times, we let it happen, telling ourselves that we can spend time with her later… only later never comes.

As long as you’re at home, there’s always going to be something to take that time. The phone will ring, somebody will drop by, one of the kids will need to be taken somewhere or something will break, demanding immediate attention. Whatever it is, it will rob you of the time that you were going to spend together.

There is a cure for this, that’s to get away from home. When you’re away, those things can’t happen as easily. That’s part of the importance of a date night; just getting away by yourselves. Well, if a date night works for that, then what about a date weekend? That would really give you some time alone together.

I can already hear your objections. You don’t have time, you don’t have the money, you don’t know how you’re going to be able to do it. Hold on a second. First of all, decide if you love your wife enough to spend a weekend alone with her. Then face each of those objections and find a solution for it. C’mon now, you’re a guy, you’re good at finding solutions to problems. So, find them.

Getting away for a weekend doesn’t have to be expensive. Granted, you’ve got to pay for a hotel and some meals, but you’re only talking about one night in a hotel. If you shop for price, you can get a decent price on that hotel. Likewise for the meals.

The kids aren’t the problem you think they are. You’ve got to have somebody they can spend a weekend with; their friends, grandparents, an aunt who hasn’t seen much of them. If you can’t come up with anything else, make a deal with some friends, where they take your kids for the weekend, and you do the same for them when they go for their weekend getaway.

I remember reading years ago about a boy who was asked “What’s the best day of the year?” He answered, “My parent’s anniversary.” Shocked, the questioner asked him “Why?” “Because,” he said, “my parents go away for the weekend.” Thinking that he understood, the questioner said, “Oh, you like having that weekend to yourself.” To which the child answered, “No, it’s the best day of the year, because when they do that, I know they love each other.”

Wow! You see, our children need to know that we love each other. All around them, they have friends and classmates whose parents are divorced. They feel insecure, knowing that the same thing could happen to them. Every time they hear you raise your voices to each other, that fear grips them; not fear that you’ll beat them, but fear that you’ll leave them.

We were recently counseling a couple who told us that their youngest son had brought them a piece of paper, asking them to sign it. Like any parent who has children in school, they thought it was something for school. It wasn’t. It was an agreement that the child had drawn up, to quit fussing at each other.

You’re not going to quit fussing at each other by dealing with life as it comes along. Life is guaranteed to cause you problems. You’ve got to do something special, so that you can break the cycle and just love one another. Taking a weekend to get away isn’t an expense; it’s an investment in your marriage, your happiness and your family’s security. 

Let Her Know That You Appreciate Her

Don’t you love it when someone tells you “Thanks” for something you’ve done? Even if it’s mundane, we still appreciate being appreciated. That simple one-word act tells us that what we are doing is noticed, that we are making a difference and that the person we did it for appreciates that we’ve done it.

On the other hand, when people forget to give us thanks for what we do, we feel used, unimportant, un appreciated and mistreated. I remember once when my wife sent me to pick up some furniture that she bought on Craig’s list. I had to drive over 700 miles that day, to go pick the furniture up in three different places. Finally, I arrived home at 2:00 am and couldn’t even collapse in bed; I still had to unload it.

The next morning (actually it was the same morning I got home) I woke my wife up at 6:00 so that she could get ready for work. She went “ooh” and “ah” over the furniture, obviously thrilled with the furniture and the great deal we had gotten on it. She only forgot one thing. In her rush to get out of the house, she forgot to tell me thanks. Oops!

You know, that bothered me for two whole weeks, till I finally told my wife what had happened. She hadn’t intended to malign me; she had just been in a hurry. Yet, her hurry had caused her to overlook one very important detail, that of saying “Thank you.”

Don’t get me wrong here, I’m not saying my wife was wrong in her actions. I’m only using that to illustrate a point; the importance of showing appreciation. The real question is, how many times do our wives do things for us, and we are the ones to forget to say “Thanks?” Even if it’s only once, that’s still once too many.

Our wives do things for us and for our kids all day long; often without receiving any words of thanks. We tend to take the things they do for granted, as if they are expected. Whether or not they are expected shouldn’t change our appreciation; nor should they change our expression of that appreciation.

If the only time when we say “Thank you” is when she does something outstanding, then we’re establishing an unwritten rule that we expect her to do outstanding things all the time. We are sending the message that we aren’t satisfied with the normal things; so we don’t appreciate them. In essence, we’re telling our wives, “You’re not good enough.”

You know, our wives receive that message more than enough from the world. Every magazine ad, television spot, TV program and movie tells her that she’s not good enough. If there is anyone who should be telling her the opposite, it’s you and me. We need to be building our wives up, not being part of the multitude that’s trying to tear her down. All it takes is a few simple words of appreciation.

If you’ve been lacking in showing appreciation, go to your wife and apologize to her. Tell her that you do see the things that she does every day and you appreciate them. Tell her you don’t know what you’d do without her. Let her know that she’s important.

Then, create a new habit, where you are regularly thanking her for the normal things which she does. Let her know regularly that she is appreciated. Teach your kids to do the same, so that they learn to thank her for taking them to ball practice and cooking dinner and washing their clothes. Those may not be exciting things, but they are important. Her doing them is important as well.