Watch What You Say

Do you remember that saying we used to have when we were kids, “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but names will never hurt me”? I’m sure you do. It was used whenever someone said something mean to another, as a way of showing that it didn’t really bother them. Of course, it actually did bother them, but they tried to pretend that it didn’t.

I’m not really sure where that little ditty came from, but I don’t think there was ever a bigger lie told in the history of mankind. Not even politicians can beat that one, and most of them are really good liars. The thing is, the injuries from sticks and stones may break bones, but bones heal pretty well. On the other hand, names, or other cruel words, can cause wounds that last a lifetime.

Our words are much more powerful weapons than anything else we can use. Unfortunately, they are weapons which are often used without restraint, without forethought and without consideration of their effect. How many times do we say things that later we wish we could take back?

You are probably still carrying wounds from things that people have said to you. You may even be carrying wounds from things that your wife has said to you. Often, in the midst of a heated discussion things are said that shouldn’t be; things that may not even be true, may not be what the person thinks most of the time, but at that moment, they pierce right through the recipient, leaving a festering sore for the rest of their life.

When we were dating our wives, we were careful with our words, at least, most of us were. We didn’t want to say anything to offend her or hurt her. We definitely didn’t want to say anything that would make her leave us, whatever we did. Yet, somewhere along the line, it seems that we lose that concern. Perhaps it’s something that gets lost through the various heated discussions that most couples have. Perhaps it’s something that comes from becoming comfortable around her. Regardless of the reason, it happens, and we’d all be better off if it didn’t.

Think about it. If you love your wife, why in the world would you ever want to say something to hurt her? Nevertheless, we all seem to manage to do so, often without even realizing what we’re saying.

That right there is the key. We need to become more aware of what we are saying and the potential impact of those words. Most marital offense comes from misunderstandings. However, being a misunderstanding doesn’t make the offense any less real. It’s quite real, and quite painful. The trick is to avoid saying those things. How? By paying more attention to what we say. If we engage the brain before opening the mouth, we’re much more likely to avoid saying those sorts of things.

Remember, women are wooed by our words, not by our looks. If you want your wife to love you, you’ve got to use words to capture her heart. Words can be positive or negative and it seems that one negative word can undo the work of 100 positive ones. So, watch out for those negative ones. Put a guard upon your lips and check each thing you are going to say, before saying it.

Whatever you do, don’t say the first thing that comes to your minds. All too often, that’s the worst thing we can say. In fact, that’s where most of the hurtful sarcasm, biting comments and put-downs come from. If we can just take that second to review what we are going to say, before we say it, then we can trap those things which will hurt our wives, even before they leave our mouths.

Loving Her in Her Car

You know, I’m firmly convinced that it would be impossible to ever tell my wife that I love her too many times. She’s never rolled her eyes when I’ve said that; never plugged her ears, and never told me to quit. If anything, she wants me to tell her that I love her even more than I do.

The trick isn’t finding times to tell her that I love her, but rather in finding new ways to do so. Romance needs variety; even the most romantic act can become routine, if it’s done over and over. So, I feel that even something as simple as telling her I love her needs variety. I need to find new ways of expressing myself, so that those words have the greatest possible impact.

I’m sure you’ve seen cars that were decorated for a wedding. Hopefully, you’ve even had your car decorated by your friends. You know what I mean; writing “Just Married” on the back windshield, tying cans and old shoes to the bumper, maybe a few hearts on the side windows. The typical stuff.

People do the same thing for their favorite high-school football team. At least, they do in the area where I live. Of course, Texans gets little bit more carried away with high-school football than the residents of other states do. It’s such a phenomenon here, that even National Geographic did a piece on it. Anyway, lots of people paint their car windows with slogans and team names, in the team colors of course, especially right before a big game.

Okay, so what’s so romantic about that? Well, we can use the same type of lo-tech approach to send our wives a message that we love them. All you need is a bottle of liquid shoe polish or some tempera paint (tempera paint is water-based, so it won’t damage the car).

Okay, so all you need to do is paint “I Lnve You” on the back windshield of her car. I suppose you could paint “I Lnve My Wife” there instead, if you like that better. To really do it good, paint it backwards, so that she can read it in the mirror.

If possible, make sure that her car is parked in such a way that she approaches it from the front. That way, she might not see your message until she looks in the rear view mirror. While that may not be possible for you, if you can manage it, it will make the surprise even better.

You see, there’s always an imaginative way to tell your wife that you love her, all you need is an active imagination. 

Why She’s the Best

Let me ask you a simple question; why do you love your wife? Now, while the question might be simple, the answer is probably pretty complex. In reality, there usually isn’t one thing that makes us love our wives, but rather a whole host of things which, when taken together, make her the person whom you have chosen to spend your life with.

Granted, there are probably some things about her that bug you as well. It seems that everyone has a few of those as well. But, right now, we’re not talking about them; we’re talking about the good things. You know; those things which she does that make you smile; that make you want to hug her and give her a kiss. The stuff that made you fall in love with her in the first place.

Well, when was the last time you told her about those things? If you’re like most people, you are much quicker to tell her when she’s done something that bugs you, then you are to tell her about something that she’s done which pleases you.

Do you want to build her up? I sure hope the answer to that is a resounding “Yes!” Okay, let’s do a little building up exercise. Here’s what you need to do. Start out by making a list of the things that make you love her. Don’t put anything on there that’s iffy, or anything that’s conditional. You need only those things that she does which you truly like. This list needs to be 110% positive. Check it over good, to make sure that you don’t have any hidden barbs in there.

Now that you’ve got your list, you need to give it to her. But, I don’t want you to give it to her; I want you to read it to her. Make it personal; something about just giving her a list isn’t all that personal. Take a few moments alone with her, when the kids aren’t around, and sit down on the sofa together. Then, tell her you have something you want to say to her. Don’t give her any idea of what it is. In fact, if you can give the impression that it might not be all that good, without saying that, it might work out even better.

Then, take out your list and tell her each and every thing that’s on it. Don’t actually read off the paper, you need to be looking in her eyes when you do it. The list is there to help remind you of the things you want to say, not how you are going to say them. If you have to read each thing off the list one at a time, then do so, but read it to yourself. Then look at her and tell it to her.

I guarantee you that this will make a moment for your wife that she won’t forget easily. Who knows, she might even tell you a few things that she loves about you too.

Celebrate Her Victories

Everyone likes to receive an attaboy now and then. It just seems to add to the good feeling that any success gives us. It doesn’t matter if it’s a big victory or a small one, having others see it and recognize it multiplies the pleasure of that success.

One of the big reasons why attaboys are such rare commodities is that what seems like a great victory to one may not seem like much of anything to another. We don’t congratulate people for their victories because we have a “so what” attitude about it. This is magnified even more so when what was a major victory for them is something normal to us.

When a baby is learning to walk, we’re all quick to applaud those first steps. Their victory is a big deal to us. Yet, for almost all of us, walking is such a normal thing that we do it without thinking about it. Why should their victory be a big deal, when we do it all the time? It’s a big deal because it’s a first for them, and we recognize it as such. We celebrate their victory because we recognize the importance of it.

Okay, so why don’t we do that with others? Why don’t we celebrate our wives victories as if they were that important? Where does the idea break down? When do victories in people’s lives stop being important?

I’m not sure there are answers to those questions, but the fact remains, we do stop celebrating their victories, forgetting about their importance and forgetting to congratulate our wives on those things that are big victories in their eyes.

Just the other day, my wife created a Facebook fan page for her business. Now, that may not sound like a big deal to you and me, but it was to her. Although she understands the value of using technology and tries to do so at every opportunity, my wife definitely qualifies as being technologically challenged. That makes her victory even bigger; although to a geek like me, it doesn’t seem like much of anything.

You see, it can’t be about how big a victory it is for me; it has to be about how big a victory it is for her. When I use myself as the standard, then I’m being unfair to her. I was an engineer for 15 years; I started working with personal computers over 35 years ago. I know this stuff. But, that’s not saying that she does or that she should. Her victories are important to her, and I need to see them that way.

Let me take this from another angle, something that almost all guys can relate to. Your wife probably isn’t all that interested in what you do at work. She might be interested in the people that you work with, but not what you do. So, when you come home from work and talk about some great victory you’ve had, how does she react? Let me guess, she doesn’t react much at all. She might not even understand what you’re talking about, let alone how important that victory is. You could have invented the next generation of supercomputers and if she doesn’t understand the value of that, your accomplishment doesn’t mean a thing to her.

Okay, so tell me, how well do you understand what your wife does? If you don’t there’s no way that you’re going to be able to celebrate her victories. You have to be interested enough in her to be interested in what she does as well. That way, when she tells you about her victory, you at least have some idea of what she’s talking about.

There’s something within us all that seeks approval from those who are close to us. Children do it with their parents all the time. Well, guess what? Married people need that from each other as much as their kids do from them. If anything, women need it more than men do. Why is that? Because the world is constantly telling them that they’re not good enough. If we don’t celebrate their victories, then we’re sending them the same message.

So, what victories has your wife had lately? Did you celebrate them with her? Or, have you ignored her victories for so long that she doesn’t even bother to tell you about them? Ouch! Make sure you’re up to date on her victories and that you’re letting her know how proud you are of her.

A Ribbon of Love

While pretty much all of the ideas which I write on this blog are my own (yes, I have a very active imagination), every once in a while I get one from somebody else. In this case, I’m taking an idea that my daughter, Jenni did to her boyfriend.

I’m always looking for new ways to express my love towards my wife. Not only do I like to keep things fresh, so it doesn’t become just routine, but I want to keep her love tank full. Love begets love, so the best way that I can make sure that she loves me is to make sure that she feels loved.

My wife’s love language is words of affirmation. She needs to hear that I love her. Not only does she need to hear that I love her, but she needs to hear that I think highly of her. Now, you might think that the two are more or less the same, but in really aren’t. There are people who I think highly of, but I don’t love them. Likewise, there can be people that we love, but don’t think highly of.

Women are belittled a lot in today’s society. More than anything, it’s Madison Avenue that’s telling them that they’re not good enough. They are constantly bombarded with advertising that tells them that they’re not pretty enough, not sexy enough, not good enough mothers, not good enough lovers and just plain no t good enough. No wonder women have such insecurities about themselves. So, not only does my wife need to hear that I love her, but that I think highly of her in every way possible.

Okay, so here’s a way to bombard her with words of love and words of affirmation, both at the same time. Sit down at your computer and make a bulleted list of all the things that you love and appreciate about your wife. Everything that you think is good about her should be on that list. You want at least 50 things, but the more the merrier; if you can come up with 200, you’ll really be building her up.

Don’t try and do that whole list in one sitting. You’re going to be more successful if you write up the list of what you can think of at the moment, then come back to it a few times more. Each time, as you read over what you’ve got, you’ll be able to come up with some new ones to add.

Once your list is done, you’ll need to format it a bit. Set the spacing between each line at about 24 pt. so that you’ll have some extra paper to work with. If you know how to change the bullets, make them hearts or something cute like that. Then print it. If you have colored paper to print it on, so much the better. Make a bunch of lines that just say things like “I Love You” as well.

Cut your list into strips, just like you were going to make a paper chain for the Christmas Tree. Except, we’re not going to make a chain out of it, we’re going to make a ribbon out of it. Glue the strips end to end, making one long ribbon out of it. If you have some real ribbon that’s the same width as your strips, you could intersperse some of that in between your printed items, just to make the ribbon longer. My daughter cut up music sheets and used them in between her items (they’re both choir directors).

Now, you need a place to put your ribbon. Sometime when your wife isn’t home, find a spot to run the ribbon back and forth, covering a doorway, the mirror on her vanity or even back and forth across your bedroom, if your ribbon is long enough. You could even slip into her office (if she has one) and leave it as a surprise there.

My daughter had to mail hers, so she cut a heart out of cardboard, and wrapped the ribbon around it. Before wrapping, she wrote “I Love You” on the heart. It’s the same idea, just portable.

Now, sit back and wait for your wife to find it. She probably won’t scream or jump up and down, because she’ll be too busy reading it. That’s okay, once she reads it, the fireworks can begin.

Me, Write a Love Letter?

Women love words. In case you hadn’t noticed, they tend to use more of them than we do. Whereas we get turned on by looking at their bodies, they get turned on by the words that we speak. So, it would seem to me that it would be in our benefit to learn how to use words well.

Most guys freak out at the idea of writing a love letter, or expressing their love in any verbal manner whatsoever. But, you know, it’s really not all that hard. You don’t have to be a Shakespeare to write a love letter, all you have to do is put words on paper. The words you choose have to be words that express  your love in a positive way, so that your wife will receive a message of love from them.

I remember back in school, when I had to write papers. I used to hate it. I’d write what I thought was an interesting paper, with lots of facts presented in a logical manner. Then the teachers would ignore my content, downgrading me for misplaced commas, spelling errors and wrong verb forms. It didn’t matter what I had written; all they cared about was whether I remembered to dot my I’s and cross my t’s. Definitely have me a bad taste for writing (and now I’m a writer, how ironic).

Then, my wife and I were working on some projects together, and the same thing happened all over again. I’d write something, and instead of saying something like “Wow, that’s a really great explanation,” my wife would point out the same sorts of errors that the teacher’s did. Not cool.

Nevertheless, you and I can relax, because that doesn’t happen with love letters. Love letters are about content, not about grammar and spelling. Your wife isn’t going to give you a D- in the love letter department, just because your grammar isn’t up to snuff. However, she might give you that D- if you never writer her one.

Love letters are about expressing feelings; specifically the feeling of love. So, that’s what you need to do. How? Actually it’s rather simple. Pick something that you love about your wife and tell her. Say, “I love you because…” or “I love the way you…” anything like that will work. You can embellish it with a few strategically placed “I love you” statements and maybe a few other phrases like “you’re so special” and “I’m so glad I married you.” Actually, the more embellishments like that you can come up with, the better.

Don’t worry if it’s not about to make it to the top ten on the New York Times Best Seller’s List. It will make it to her top ten list and that’s all that matters. The fact that you wrote her a love letter is the key. So, grab a pen or your computer keyboard and get writing. 

What’s Her Romance Language?

Have you ever done something that you thought was supremely romantic for your wife, only to have your great romantic act ignored or even refused? It’s probably happened to all of us at least once or twice. 

There might be a number of different reasons why that happened; anything from it being the wrong time of the month to you having done that particular act too many times in the last month. Regardless of the reason, it always bothers us; the rejection of our act of love makes us feel as if we’ve been rejected.

Don’t let yourself get caught up in that feeling of being rejected; it’s dangerous! It will kill your desire to continue being romantic faster than anything. When it happens, just realize that there’s probably something else which is causing her to act that way, something that has nothing to do with you.

However, if your wife regularly overlooks a particular type of romantic act, that should be a clue to you, telling you that you’re not speaking her language. It’s about as if you were writing her love poems, but she couldn’t read. That wouldn’t work out all that well. In the same way, speaking romance in a different language than she understands doesn’t work out all that well.

You see, each of us has our own romance language. It’s both the way that we express love and the way that we understand it. When others speak our romance language, it’s like the words have been underlined, made bold and highlighted in yellow. Finding out what her romance language is will give you a great boost up in being able to get the most impact out of your romantic acts.

When I’m talking about romance languages, what I’m really talking about is love languages. After all, isn’t romance all about expressing love? Gary Chapman’s book “The Five Love Languages” does a great job of explaining those five languages and showing us how to use them. In case you haven’t read the book yet (you should), here are the five languages:

• Words of affirmation
• Acts of service
• Gifts
• Physical touch
• Quality time

Now, if your love language is acts of service, you’ve probably been trying to be romantic to your wife by doing things for her. That’s great, acts of service is a great way to be romantic. But, if your wife’s love language is words of affirmation, you may not be reaching her as well as you want to. She probably appreciates your acts of service, but it doesn’t have the impact on her that words of affirmation will.

That doesn’t mean that you should stop doing acts of service. By all means, continue doing them. But, at the same time, add words of affirmation to your vocabulary of romance. Find ways to tell her that you love her. Even more, find ways to tell her what a great woman, wife, mother and all around person you think she is. That’s what she’s craving and that’s what’s going to do her the most good.

After all, being romantic towards your wife is all about her anyway, so you might as well make sure that you’re really focusing on her and on what works for her. You can still use the other ways of being romantic, but use them to round out the basic expression of love, which is done in her love language.

Doing this will make every romantic act you do have all that much more impact? Why? Because you’re satisfying her most basic need for love. That makes everything else look that much better in her eyes. 

Careful About those Comments

Most women battle insecurity on a constant basis. Society in general is telling them that they’re not good enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough, their breasts aren’t big enough, their hair isn’t full enough and they just aren’t sexy enough. Every woman is supposed to look like a supermodel. Of course, even real supermodels don’t look like supermodels you see, since they’re all photo shopped. Nevertheless, every woman is supposed to be that spectacular.

Think about it; with all that negativity being thrown at them, it’s really no wonder that they feel insecure. To add insult to injury, at times we add to this insidious process, without even realizing it. How? You might ask. By the comments we make about other women, without even thinking about it.

A perfectly innocent comment about another woman’s hair, dress or looks in general, can come across as a slam against the way your own wife looks. Suppose that you see a woman with long, wavy blond hair, something that you’d expect to see on one of those supermodels. Of course, she probably just came from the beauty shop, but you don’t know that. You happen to comment, “her hair is beautiful” a fairly simple comment, without any hidden meaning. You’re not saying that you want to jump in the sack with her or that there’s anything wrong with your wife’s hair. But, what your wife hears is “her hair is much more beautiful than yours is.”

Oops, the law of unintended consequences just jumped up to bite you. While you were just making small-talk, your wife wasn’t hearing it that way. To her, it was a whole different thing.

I’m not trying to say that you’re wrong for saying something like that; but she might say that you are. You see, in cases like these, it’s the results that matter, not the intention. While your intention may have been perfectly innocent, the results weren’t. Even worse, the results which you don’t see were probably a whole lot worse that the ones that you do see.

You’re really better off not saying anything about other women than saying something positive about them. Granted, you could say that the problem is your wife’s and not yours, and I’d have to agree with you to a point. But, where does our responsibility to our wife’s health and happiness start and end? If your wife was a recovering alcoholic, wouldn’t you have a responsibility to avoid drinking in front of her? You could say that the alcoholism was her problem, not yours. But, if your drinking was causing her to be tempted, wouldn’t you be guilty?

Actually, there’s more to this than just avoiding positive comments about other women, we also need to avoid making negative comments about our own wives. If you and I start comparing our wives to other women, we’ll quickly find that there are always others out there that appear to be better. Maybe they’ve got prettier hair, bigger breasts or a smaller waist. Regardless of what it is, when we start making those comparisons, we’re setting ourselves up for real trouble.

Comparisons generally tend to show us the bad in our own wives. Rarely do we compare them to women who are uglier or fatter; we generally compare them to those supermodels. Of course, everyone forgets that beauty is a 24/7 job for a supermodel. She doesn’t have to go to some other job, doesn’t have to take care of the kids and doesn’t have to clean the house. All she has to do is work at keeping herself beautiful. That’s more than a full-time job.

One final thing, we need to work at overcoming the negativity which the world is throwing at our wives. Complimenting your wife’s looks is an important part of this. She needs to know that you find her attractive. That’s not just a casual “like to have it” sort of need, but a serious need. With everything around her telling her that she’s not what she should be, she needs someone telling her that she’s more than she should be. If you don’t do it, who will? 

Don’t Take it Personal

That old saying we learned as kids, of “sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me,” has got to be one of the biggest lies ever concocted. At least the wounds created by sticks and stones will heal fairly quickly, but the wounds of words can last a lifetime. Many people’s lives have been ruined, to one degree or another, by the words that others spoke to them.

That’s why it’s important that we are careful about the words we speak, especially those words that come out when we’re angry, irritated or frustrated. All too often in those moments, we say things that later we wish we could take back. Yet, those words never seem to go away. We may say we’re sorry, we may try and make amends, but we can never make erase those words, once spoken.

Part of what makes those words so powerful is the intensity with which they are said. Let’s say that you’re having an argument with your wife, and in the midst of it you blurt out, “I can’t stand you when you’re like that.” Those words are going to go right to the center of your wife’s being, cutting all the way. She won’t hear it as there’s something that she does which bothers you. What she’ll hear is, “I can’t stand you.” That’s the painful, destructive memory which will burn into her heart.

After that, it doesn’t matter how many times you tell her you love her, the overpowering memory will be that you can’t stand her. The intensity of those words, spoken in the passion of a momentary loss of self-control, will be with her forever. No matter how hard you try, they can’t be erased.

I’m not saying that we’re the only ones who say destructive things like that; women do it too. I’d say that men and women are equally skilled at saying destructive things to each other, causing the same types of hurts. However, I think they typically have a greater impact on the women, because they are more emotionally oriented.

There is one important difference between men and women, when it comes to this type of negative communication. That is, women will express generalities in a way that makes it seem like it’s their husband’s fault. They turn the general into something personal. For example, if a woman is feeling unloved, regardless of the reason, she’ll express it as “You don’t love me.” Or, another case might be where she feels frustrated about something, say something at work, and jumps on you for something that you do which is frustrating to her.

Here’s where we can make a difference in this problem. That is, don’t take it personally. Just because your wife is expressing frustration at you or saying that you never take her out anyplace, doesn’t really mean that she thinks that. It means that she is feeling that way at that moment, nothing more.

If you have a business dinner in a fancy restaurant, which your wife has been wanting to go to, there’s a pretty good chance that she’ll say that you never take her out. You might be confused, thinking of the weekly date night which you’ve been doing for the last year. But, she’s not really saying that you never take her out at all, she’s saying that she feels jealous of your opportunity to go to that restaurant, because she wants to go there.

So, how to you deal with this? The first step is to realize that even though she’s directing it at you, she’s not talking about you. Then, forgive her. You don’t have to do that to her face, but you do have to do it. Finally, try and figure out what the true message is behind what she’s saying.

I realize that decoding “woman speak” is an almost impossible challenge. They have meanings for words and ways of putting ideas together that no man can fathom. Nevertheless, we can at least get some clues about what it is that’s motivating them to say what they are saying. When they say something negative, out of frustration, there’s always something behind it. Look beyond the words, to see where she might be hurting. That gives you a clue in how to love your wife better.

An Old-Fashioned Expression of Love

It can be a bit challenging to continually come up with new ways to express your love to your wife. Of course, you can continue to do the old ones, but women like new things; they like it when you can surprise them with something, especially when you can surprise them with some new expression of love. So, variety is an important part of romance.

Let me explain. If you buy your wife flowers, she thinks you’re romantic. If you buy them the second day, she thinks you’re really romantic. On the third day, she’s bragging to her friends about how romantic you are. But, when you come home with flowers on the fourth day, she’s going to wonder what you’re up to. By the end of the week, her reaction is more like “Oh, flowers again, ho hum, that’s nice.” It’s not that she doesn’t like flowers any more, it’s just that it’s become routine.

While I have yet to find a woman who doesn’t like her husband to tell her he loves her, I’m sure that just saying so can become routine as well. That doesn’t eliminate the importance of telling her, it just shows that we need to add some variety to keep things fresh.

For those of you who are old enough to remember, one way that we used to express love was to carve a heart with our initials in the bark of a tree. Now, I realize that’s not a high-tech way of expressing love, but you know, love doesn’t require high-tech. love has existed since before tech existed. People were able to express love to one another before technology came along, and believe it or not, we still can.

Now, I’m not a fan of vandalism, so I’m going to avoid doing this romantic act in the park. Instead, I’d like to suggest that you pick a tree in your own yard, and carve your initials in it. Make sure you’ve got a good, sharp pocket knife, preferably one with a locking blade. You really don’t want to get cut in the process of showing your love.

It’s up to you whether you do it, then show her, or take her with you while you do it. I guess that depends a bit on how good you are at carving. You may want to practice a bit, before showing off your new artistic ability to your wife.

One of the neat things about this is its permanence. I’ve seen trees with initials carved in them in rather remote places; places where not many people go. I always wonder when it was done, and by whom. Well, if you carve your heart in a tree in your back yard, whoever lives in that house after you will be wondering who you were. 

Let Her Know That You Appreciate Her

Don’t you love it when someone tells you “Thanks” for something you’ve done? Even if it’s mundane, we still appreciate being appreciated. That simple one-word act tells us that what we are doing is noticed, that we are making a difference and that the person we did it for appreciates that we’ve done it.

On the other hand, when people forget to give us thanks for what we do, we feel used, unimportant, un appreciated and mistreated. I remember once when my wife sent me to pick up some furniture that she bought on Craig’s list. I had to drive over 700 miles that day, to go pick the furniture up in three different places. Finally, I arrived home at 2:00 am and couldn’t even collapse in bed; I still had to unload it.

The next morning (actually it was the same morning I got home) I woke my wife up at 6:00 so that she could get ready for work. She went “ooh” and “ah” over the furniture, obviously thrilled with the furniture and the great deal we had gotten on it. She only forgot one thing. In her rush to get out of the house, she forgot to tell me thanks. Oops!

You know, that bothered me for two whole weeks, till I finally told my wife what had happened. She hadn’t intended to malign me; she had just been in a hurry. Yet, her hurry had caused her to overlook one very important detail, that of saying “Thank you.”

Don’t get me wrong here, I’m not saying my wife was wrong in her actions. I’m only using that to illustrate a point; the importance of showing appreciation. The real question is, how many times do our wives do things for us, and we are the ones to forget to say “Thanks?” Even if it’s only once, that’s still once too many.

Our wives do things for us and for our kids all day long; often without receiving any words of thanks. We tend to take the things they do for granted, as if they are expected. Whether or not they are expected shouldn’t change our appreciation; nor should they change our expression of that appreciation.

If the only time when we say “Thank you” is when she does something outstanding, then we’re establishing an unwritten rule that we expect her to do outstanding things all the time. We are sending the message that we aren’t satisfied with the normal things; so we don’t appreciate them. In essence, we’re telling our wives, “You’re not good enough.”

You know, our wives receive that message more than enough from the world. Every magazine ad, television spot, TV program and movie tells her that she’s not good enough. If there is anyone who should be telling her the opposite, it’s you and me. We need to be building our wives up, not being part of the multitude that’s trying to tear her down. All it takes is a few simple words of appreciation.

If you’ve been lacking in showing appreciation, go to your wife and apologize to her. Tell her that you do see the things that she does every day and you appreciate them. Tell her you don’t know what you’d do without her. Let her know that she’s important.

Then, create a new habit, where you are regularly thanking her for the normal things which she does. Let her know regularly that she is appreciated. Teach your kids to do the same, so that they learn to thank her for taking them to ball practice and cooking dinner and washing their clothes. Those may not be exciting things, but they are important. Her doing them is important as well. 

Texting Your Love

You know, it’s truly amazing; women never get tired of being told that they are loved. I don’t care how many times you do it, they still want to hear it some more. I know that may seem a bit strange to you and me, but we’re not talking about how we think, but how they think.

If a woman says “I love you” to a man over and over again, he’s going to think, “Then show me.” But, women aren’t wired that way. They are much more motivated by the words than we are. To them, the words alone are enough to be a demonstration of love. Of course, that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t show our love in other ways, but we definitely need to do so with words.

When I was working away from home, I would make a point of calling my wife once a day from the office. All I was doing was calling to tell my wife that I loved her, nothing else. Yet, those few moments when I called her served to brighten her day and make her feel loved.

Technology has actually made it easier for us to tell our wives that we love them. It’s almost as if text messaging was created with that in mind. Okay, I know it’s useful for lots of other things too, but there’s no question that it’s definitely a great way to remind our wives of our love for them. Not only that, but it’s an easy way to do so, which doesn’t take much time and can be done several times a day.

You might ask, “Won’t she get tired of receiving the same message over and over again?” The simple answer is no; you’ll get tired of sending it much faster than she’ll get tired of receiving it. However, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t use a little variety. Just because she won’t get tired of it doesn’t mean she wouldn’t appreciate some other expressions of love as well. In fact, mixing up your message a bit will help grab her attention and keep your message “fresh.” So, here’s some other things you might want to consider saying:

• I miss you
• Can’t wait to see you
• Let’s find some place to hide from the kids this evening, so we can be alone
• I need you
• Can’t wait to put my arms around you
• You’re so special
• How did I end up lucky enough to get you for a wife?
• I’m counting the minutes till I see you again. Only (put in number) more to go.
• I want you
• Let’s go for a walk tonight
• Let’s go out to eat tonight
• It’s great to have you to come home to
• I feel a need to connect with you
• I was just looking at (insert name) and was thinking how glad I am that you’re my wife
• You’re the best wife in the world
• You’re everything I ever dreamed of
• I'm having trouble working, because I'm thinking of you

Hopefully, that’s enough to give you some ideas of your own. Let your imagination go wild; just avoid being crude. Women get turned off when we get crude. If you want to make any sexual references, do it obliquely, not directly; that’ll be much more palatable to her. In fact, the best way to tell her you want to make love is to say “I want to connect with you.” While that may not sound sexual to you, it will sound great to her.

Whatever you do, don’t forget the number one rule, Do it often. That’s what she needs. 

Quit Telling Her So

It seems that one of the most satisfying things in life is when we get to tell someone “I told you so.” It’s as if those four words hold the power to vindicate us and show the world (or at least the person we’re talking to) that our opinion was valid and we were right all the time.

When that opportunity to tell someone that we were right and they were wrong comes along, there are few who can resist the temptation to let it be known, declaring it out loud. It’s almost like we’re conditioned to say that, like a chicken who let’s everyone know that she’s just laid an egg. What pride! What satisfaction! What are we thinking?

C’mon now, is it really all that important to be able to say “I was right and you were wrong”? Where’s grace in that? For that matter, where’s love in it? Is it that our self-esteem is so small that we need to put others down, in order to build ourselves up? Even so, is that any way to treat a wife? Even more, is it any way to treat your wife?

Let me put it another way; how do you feel when she says that to you? Do you feel like she’s building you up? Do you feel loved? Or, do you feel like she’s putting you down? Well, guess what? She doesn’t feel loved and built up when you say it, than you feel when she says it.

So, if that’s the case, wouldn’t saying “I told you so” be anti-romantic? Hmm, think about that a moment. If we’re trying to be romantic towards our wives, so that they feel more loved and even more loving, then doesn’t it make sense to get rid of the anti-romantic things we do as well?

There’s another form of this same phrase, which we probably use even more than the one I’ve mentioned above. That’s to say “I’ve told you before” or “I’ve told you a thousand times” or some such. We tend to get irritated at our wives, when they don’t do things we’ve told them or don’t do them in the way we’ve told them. Since we feel vindicated for our irritation, we think nothing of telling her that she hasn’t been listening.

Okay, so what? Why do we have to make a big deal out of it when our wives don’t catch what we say, even if it does mean that they do things the wrong way? I mean really, what is gained by that anger? Wouldn’t it be better to just treat it as if it were the first time, and instruct her as if it were the first time?

Let’s take something simple, like not hanging the car keys on their hook. Every time your wife has to leave, she ends up searching for them again. That probably means that you end up helping her search for them, especially when she’s running late or in a hurry. So, what good does it do to get irritated, annoyed, made or even exasperated? Does that make you feel any more love and compassion towards here? Does it make you express love better? Does it even make you feel more loved? What? You’re saying no to all those questions? Then why bother wasting the energy getting mad?

It’s much easier to just face the fact of having to search for your wife’s keys as part of your life. Quit wasting time and energy on getting annoyed; just help her. Maybe you could buy her one those key rings that answers when you whistle or one that’s really big, so that it’s easier to see.

The point here is watching how you react to those things. All too often, we allow them to become points of irritation and strife, turning molehills into mountains, instead of treating them like what they are, just the little problems of life.

Learn to keep the little things little; it’ll make loving your wife all that much easier.

Be Her Secret Admirer

Women love to be loved; actually it goes much deeper than that. A large part of their self-esteem comes from being wanted by somebody. It’s really not all that different than the way we guys are, we want our wives to want us too, and if they don’t it’s a real blow to the ego.

The expression of that need to be needed is different for men and women, but we all have that need. For men, it’s expressed sexually, while for women it’s expressed through words, looks and the desire to be with them that we express. In their minds, it doesn’t matter whether they want to make love or not, they need to know that they are wanted.

Of course, how we express that to them is important as well. It comes across very negative when we express our desire crudely; that’s a real turn-off. It’s also a turn-off when our desire is expressed in a way that is purely physical. If they think we want sex just for sex, then they feel as if we want to use them. It makes them think that we just want sex with anyone, not that we want to connect with them. That’s the key word, “connect,” to a women, that’s what they want. Whether in bed or out, women want a heart connection. The physical connection is secondary.

Let me get back on track here. If a woman, your wife for example, wants to be wanted, then it would help for us to be able to express that, but not in a physical way. Instead of focusing on the physical, we should express that in a way that sounds more like a heart connection than a physical one.

Here’s an idea to get your wife going a bit. Start sending her e-mails from a “secret admirer.” Now, to do this, you’re obviously going to need to use a different e-mail account, since I’m sure she knows your regular one. No problem, just open up a free account to use just for this. Something like “secretadmirer@hotmail.com” should work just fine.

Then, send her a series of short e-mail messages, talking about how much you want to connect with her. You’ll have to do a little “acting” for this one; pretending you are someone else. You could pretend to be someone who sees her at work, or at a local store, something like that. This pretending is to give you a context for your e-mails; you want to be able to write them as if you were seeing her from afar, in those locations. That way you can say something like, “Every day, when I pass by your office and see you, it brightens my day.”

There are two reasons for this “acting.” The first is that you want to see if you can pull this off for several days, or even a couple of week. The other is that it is easier to do something or say something which might make you uncomfortable if you are invisible. That’s why people say the craziest personal things on Facebook, which they’d never say in person.

Keep your messages short, but make sure they are Now, don’t get offended if your wife starts talking about her secret admirer. The real secret is that you know who it is, even if she doesn’t. That will just show you that you’re getting through to her. Be careful that you don’t let your face or your reactions give you away. You can have a private laugh, knowing that you are the secret admirer. Of course, you need to tell her eventually, but let the game go on for a bit before you do.

Once she knows that you have been her secret admirer, you’ll get all the points that she’s been saving for him. Actually, she probably won’t have stored up any points for him, but you’ll get them anyway.

How Would You Describe Her?

Not too long ago, I wrote a post on this blog, in which I talked about how negative women are and how they struggle with self-esteem. There is so much in this world which constantly tells them that they aren’t good enough, they aren’t thin enough, their breasts aren’t big enough and they aren’t pretty enough. Our wives receive those messages and it destroys them.

Our wives need to be built up. They need to be encouraged. They need to know that we think they are special, even if the world doesn’t. They need to know that they are loved, just the way that they are. Actually, that will do more to make them want to better themselves, than all the world’s negative messages combined.

What made you fall in love with your wife? Was it just how she looked, or was there more to it than that? Hopefully, it was more than her looks, even if her looks were what got you to look. But, after that first look, what was it about her that got you to keep looking?

Don’t try and tell me that there was nothing else; I’d have trouble believing that. I’ve seen a lot of beautiful women in my life whose hearts were so black and cold they’d freeze a fireplace. So, even if her beauty got you to look, there had to be something else there inside.

Your wife needs you to tell her what it is that makes her special. Dr. Gary Chapman, in his book, The Five Love Languages, says that one of the ways in which we show love is through words of affirmation. So, let’s do a little affirming here. Let’s let our wives know what is so special about them as individuals.

Start out by making a list of her positive attributes (nothing negative or even neutral allowed). This is going to take some time; you want a nice long list. Try and get a full page. Be sure to include:

• Adjectives which describe her, especially her personality
• Things she makes you think of: “When I see you, I think of…”
• Things she does well: “You’re a great…”
• Things she does that make you smile: “When you do ____, it makes me smile/gives me joy/makes me proud/amazes me.”
• It's okay to mention physical attributes, but don't focus on them

Be sure to top the list with an explanation of what it is. This doesn’t have to be long, it can just be something like “My wife is…” or “This is what you are to me” “or “(her name) is…”

Now that you’ve got your list, all you have to do is deliver it. There’s two ways you can go about this. The first one is to just print it up on your computer and give it to her. Whether you hand it to her, leave it for her to find or send it through the mail, it’s still giving it to her. The second way you can go about this is to read it to her. That’s the way I’d recommend.

If you decide to read it to her, find a time when you won’t be interrupted, sit down together and pull out your paper. Tell her something like “I want to tell you who you are” or “I haven’t told you how special you are in a while, so let me tell you.” Then, once you’re sure you’ve got her attention, read her the list.

It might be a good idea to have a box of Kleenex casually and conveniently located on the table, within reach. Otherwise, there’s a good possibility that you might have to stop in the middle, so she can run to the bathroom. 

More Than Ever Before

Do you remember your dating days? You know, that time when the two of you were just having fun together, enjoying being together, talking together; enjoying each other’s touch. What ever happened to those days? How did we lose those great feelings that drove us to being together?

The answer to those questions is really rather simple; reality raised up its ugly head to bite us. That’s right, the culprit for losing those wonderful feelings of being in love is reality. You see, when we’re dating, there’s really no reality involved. It’s all a dream world. Everything is like living in a fairy tale, where they live happily ever after.

Then, once we get married, we find out that there are bills to pay, that she doesn’t wake up in the morning, looking like she stepped off a magazine cover and problems to deal with. All of a sudden, those wonderful feelings vanish, like a puff of smoke.

Actually, those feelings don’t vanish, they just get covered up by dealing with reality. We don’t stop loving our wives. We don’t stop wanting to be with them. We don’t stop wanting to touch them. We just get so busy dealing with reality, that we don’t have enough time for the things which were so important when we were dating. Then when kids come along, it gets even worse.

Have you ever felt like your wife doesn’t love you as much as she did before? If you’re like most of us, you probably have, more than once. Well, guess what, she feels the same way. She wonders if you love her. She looks back to those dating days, remembering how the two of you were (and she remembers it much better than you do), and wonders what happened to make you fall out of love with her.

Now, I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt here; I’m pretty sure you love her as much as you did then, or even more. Otherwise, I really doubt you’d be reading this blog. So, what went wrong?

What’s gone wrong is the expression of love (or lack thereof). Here comes reality again, to give us another bite. Because of dealing with all the problems and whatever of life, we stop spending so much time expressing our love and spend more and more time expressing our problems. That’s nowhere near as interesting for either of you; but, it’s necessary.

This is why it’s so important to tell your wife that you love her. She hears so much negativity out of your mouth that she needs to hear something positive; specifically something positive about your relationship. That means a lot to her.

In fact, don’t just tell her you love her; tell her you love her more than ever before. Tell her you love her more than the day you were married. Tell her that every year you love her more. She feels like you don’t love her as much as before, so destroy that negative thought with a positive one. Give her the message that your love hasn’t diminished, but instead has grown as you’ve come to know her more.

What do you need to Learn to Overlook?

Anyone who has been married for any time; or for that matter, anyone who has ever lived in the same house with another person (such as family) has learned that other people always have annoying habits. It’s not that some people have annoying habits; no, all people have annoying habits. And yes, I know your wife does too.

That’s actually okay, because it proves that they’re human. Real people don’t live up to our fantasy expectations. Real people make mistakes. Real people have failings; and real people can be annoying. By the way, that means that you have habits which annoy your wife as well.

It might be that she leaves her trash in the car, or that she doesn’t understand computers and keeps messing things up on yours. It could also be that she clicks her nails or the way that she chews her food. How about hanging her lingerie in the shower to dry, isn’t that annoying?

In reality, these annoying irritations aren’t really all that big a deal, we just make them seem as if they are. One little habit my wife has is to leave bottles of rubbing alcohol or other substances on the front edge of our bathroom sink. I have a choice of moving them when I go in there or risking knocking them off. Isn’t that a big deal? No, it really isn’t; it only takes me a moment to move those bottles.

I remember a woman who was infuriated because her husband kept leaving his dirty clothes on the bedroom floor. The woman she went to for counseling (read: complaining) asked her the question, “How long does it take you to pick up his clothes?” to which she answered, “About 20 seconds.” Considering that she was spending much more than 20 seconds a day being upset about her husband’s untidiness, she really was wasting her time being upset.

All too often, we allow these little mole hills to become giant mountains. Instead of thanking God for the wonderful wife He’s given us, we complain to him about some stupid little thing that irritates us. What a waste of time. When we do that, we are literally overlooking all of her good points, so that we can focus on the bad. Forget about the fact that those good points are much bigger than the bad ones, in our minds, we make the little things much, much bigger.

So, how do we get out of this trap? Good question. There are two interrelated steps that will quickly help us overcome our irritation and not be bothered by these annoying habits. The first is to forgive her. I don’t mean that you need to go to her and do it in her face; just do it by yourself. Say the words, “I forgive my wife for ________.” That’s it.

The second step is to quit spending so much time thinking about those annoying habits. You can control your thoughts, when you want to. There’s no reason that you have to focus on those things. Instead, when you find yourself thinking about them, change your thoughts and start thinking about something you like about her; something you appreciate about her; even fantasizing about her would be better.

You see, when you focus on those little problems, they become big problems in your eyes. But, when you focus on the good about your wife, those little things start to diminish. Isn’t that a much better way to live?

“I Can’t Believe I Said That”

Do you remember that stupid little ditty for when we were kids, “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but names will never hurt me”? I’m not sure which fool came up with that one, but obviously they had the emotions part of their brain surgically removed. If there’s one thing that can really hurt a person, it’s words; they’re much more potent than sticks, stones, or even HEAT rounds from a M1 Abrams Main Battle Tank.

Unless you have a real problem with controlling your temper, or you’re a habitual drunk who gets violent when you’re drinking, you’ve probably never used any sticks and stones against your wife. Good thing too, or you probably wouldn’t have a wife. However, I’m sure that you’ve managed to use words against her, whether you wanted to or not.

Have you ever noticed how some things just manage to escape from our mouths, even if we don’t want them to? I’m sure you know the one’s I’m talking about; they’re the ones which cause us to say, “I can’t believe I just said that.” If only life came with a rewind button, so that we could go back a few seconds and take those words back. But, one spoken, they never seem to go away.

You know, it doesn’t do much good for us to do great romantic acts towards our wives, if we’re erasing any points we earn with our own words. We’d be better off forgetting the romance, and just putting duct tape over our mouths. That way, even though we wouldn’t gain any points, we wouldn’t lose any either.

There is another solution, however; that is to learn how to control our tongue. There’s nothing that says that we have to say those hurtful words. No law, no requirement, no force of nature that makes them come out of our mouths. We’re the one who says them, and we’re the one who can stop them.

That’s right; you and I have the power to stop ourselves from saying things which hurt our wives. How about that? There are two secrets, which will help us do this. The first one is to learn to engage our brain, before opening our mouth. Most of those hurtful words come out totally unplanned. They’re a childish reaction to something. Well, childish reactions are okay for children, but we’re not children any more. So, we need to learn how to stop ourselves, by thinking about what we are going to say and the effect that those words are going to have.

The other secret that ties directly in with the first is to focus on the other person. Most hurtful things we say come about by being self-centered. We had a bad day at work and when we come home, we growl at the wife, slap the kids and kick the dog. Whoa, wait a minute! Who gave us the right to do that?

If we are thinking about the other person, we’ll put our priority on what is best for them, not what is best for us. So, when the wife goes a little crazy from her PMS, we’ll realize what’s going on and not take it personally. Since we’re not taking it personally, we won’t reply in a hurtful manner. Instead, we’ll seek a way of soothing her emotions, instead of stirring them up even more.

Remember, words can’t be taken back. Every hurtful word you speak, whether intentionally or unintentionally is permanently graven in your wife’s heart. No matter what you do, it will never go away. So, make sure that the words you say are the words that you want to say.

What’s so Beautiful About Her?

Most women struggle with their self-esteem; especially their self-esteem about how they look. Although beauty has always been an issue, today’s society has put such a premium on it, that women are constantly challenged to make themselves into supermodels. Only, the supermodels you see on the magazine covers are phony, everything is makeup, hairdressers and of course, Photo Shop.

While I have nothing against women being beautiful, I firmly believe that women don’t have to be artificial to be beautiful. Nor do I always see what the world calls beautiful as being so; especially when the beautiful exterior is just covering up an ugly interior.

Every woman has the capacity to be beautiful, even without all the phoniness that goes on with the supermodels. The most beautiful thing any woman can put on her face is a smile. Couple that with a look of love coming out of her eyes and you’ve got a true winner, every time. She may not be a supermodel to others, but that doesn’t mean she can’t be to you.

Why did you marry your wife? Was it only for her looks? Or did you see something inside her that spoke to your innermost being? If all you did was marry her for her looks, you’re probably not still married; especially if you’ve had kids since then. However, if you married her for what’s inside, the outside will stay looking beautiful to you, regardless of what anyone else thinks. Really, isn’t your opinion more important than all those others?

When was the last time you told your wife how beautiful she was? When was the last time you mentioned something about her that attracts you? How long has it been since you said that you love the feel of her skin when you touch her?

Why don’t we say these things? You know, she really needs to hear that; not just once, but over and over again. When she wears a new dress, she needs to know you like it. When she comes home from having her hair done, you need to notice. If she does something different about “her look” you need to be the first to comment (positively) on it.

My wife and I are middle age. She doesn’t look exactly like she did when we got married. But, then again, neither do I. But you know what? She’s still beautiful, especially when she smiles. I’ve always thought my wife was beautiful and if you don’t agree, you can just keep your thoughts to yourself.

We have a woman in our church who has several physical problems. I really don’t know what her problems are and I’ve never asked her. They cause her to look different and talk different than anyone else in the church. But that woman always shows up well dressed and with her hair nicely done. Every once in a while I say something about her dress or her hair. Every time I do, her eyes light up. I get the feeling that not many people look past her problems to see the true beauty she has.

It’s important to make a point of telling your wife that she’s beautiful. She needs to hear that and she needs to hear it often. She needs to know that she still catches your eye, not that your eyes are wandering all over the place. She needs to know that she’s the only one for you.

A Soothing Word

You know, we all have a bad day now and then. Things go wrong; we get up on the wrong side of the bed; we have a bad hair day; whatever. Regardless of the cause, bad days happen and when they do, it generally clouds our disposition.

Of course, when it happens to us, we expect the world to understand and tread lightly around us. But, do we do the same for others? More specifically, do we do the same for our wives? When they have a bad day, are we considerate of them or do we see it as an infringement on our lives?

I remember hearing years ago that the woman sets the emotional atmosphere of the home. Oh how true that is. I remember days where I came home from the office and as I walked in the door I could tell my wife’s mood, without seeing or hearing her or the kids. Why? Because her bad mood had created a negative atmosphere in the home.

We need to be sensitive to those days, recognizing them for what they are and being ready to help our wives overcome their bad mood. That’s not necessarily the same as solving her problem. Solving the problem may not help her mood. Nor will helping her mood necessarily solve the problem. In a sense, there are two separate, but interconnected problems, whatever put her in a bad mood and her bad mood.

I guarantee you that if you walk in the door and find your wife upset because the washing machine broke down, telling her to call a repairman isn’t going to help her mood one bit. You could even call him yourself or fix it yourself, without helping her mood one bit. Yes, the washing machine needs to be fixed, but that’s not what’s bothering her. The emotional problem which the washing machine caused is the big problem; that needs to be dealt with in a totally different manner.

Remember that you always need to treat her emotions as something important. Whether or not the thing that made her upset is important to you is immaterial; what is important is that she’s bothered by it.

So, how do you help her in this situation? Like I said, don’t start by giving her a solution to her problem; instead, give her a soft word. Change the focus of the situation by talking about something else. Tell her you love her. Pray for her. Give her a big hug and a kiss. Remind her of something funny that happened (that she thinks is funny). Talk about something positive. More than anything, it’s your words that are going to help her overcome those negative feelings; so pick them with care. Let your words be words to build her up and soothe her; taking her mind off her problem and helping her feel secure and loved.

No matter what you do, don’t focus on the problem; at least, not until you help her. Granted, if the house if flooding, you might need to deal with that first, I’m not talking about those major crises’; I’m talking about the small to medium sized things. Don’t discount her emotions, either. They are hers, and if you invalidate them, you’re telling her that she’s invalid as well.

The other thing you never want to do is internalize her words. There’s a pretty good possibility that she’s going to end up lashing out at you verbally. Don’t sweat it; she really doesn’t mean it; she’s just expressing her frustration. If you allow yourself to accept those words, they will hurt, and instead of helping your wife, you’ll end up fighting with her. That’s not going to help anyone.

Remember, a soothing word, that’s what she needs. As King Solomon once said, “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger” (Pro 15:1).