Be an Encouragement

It’s very easy to get into a mode of being negative about everything. Many couples suffer from this negativity, where they are putting each other’s ideas, actions and accomplishments down, instead of building each other up. Yet, of anyone in the world, the one person we should each be able to count on for encouragement is our spouse.

Now, before you go off on a tangent, grumbling about how your wife isn’t encouraging you; I’m not talking about her, I’m talking to you. Whether or not your wife encourages you is another issue entirely. What I’m concerned about right now, is whether or not you are encouraging her.

Actually, the best way to get her to encourage you is to start encouraging her more. Women are created to be responders; that means that they will respond to what we do as men. If we are constantly negative, it will make them all that much more negative. However, if we are positive, it will pull them towards the direction of being positive. You may not be able to change her all the way, but you will be able to give her a gentle push in the right direction.

Not only that, but the more positive and encouraging you are, the less likely you are to be bothered by any negativity she displays. The worst thing in the world is two negative people, who feed off of each other, making each other more and more negative.

Once upon a time, you thought that woman you married was the most wonderful woman in the world. There was something there which you liked so much, that you ended up falling in love with her. I’d venture to guess that whatever that was, it’s still there. Maybe it’s been covered up a bit by the busy-ness of life, but that doesn’t mean that she’s changed; it just means that you need to draw that out of her.

The problem most women face is that they are inherently negative. If a man passes a mirror in a department store, he looks at himself and says, “Yeah, I’ve still got it” (whatever “it” is). When a woman looks at it, she sees Medusa. All she can see is that she isn’t as pretty as she wants to be, her hair doesn’t look like she just came from the hairdresser, she’s not as thin as a supermodel and her clothes aren’t designer specials. Society tells her that she has to be pretty and to do so requires all that. So, when she sees herself, she doesn’t see anything that makes her think she’s pretty.

Okay, so she’s not a supermodel. There are only eight of those in the world anyway, and none of them look like their photos. Real life doesn’t come with PhotoShop. Even so, there are a lot of special things about your wife. It has to be true, or you wouldn’t have married her in the first place.

Remind yourself of those things which caused you to fall in love with her. Then, remind her of them as well. Don’t say, “you used to…” instead say, “I love this about you…” That’s what she needs to hear. She also needs to hear that she’s good at what she does. She needs to know that at least one person sees her efforts and thinks they are good. That person is you.

What do you Say, when She’s Not There?

I spent years in the “public sector” working as an engineering and business manager, before entering into the ministry. I remember sitting around the lunch table with my workmates, discussing everything from sports to politics, to our families. I also remember all the bad things that those guys would say to the rest of us, behind their wives backs.

I also remember my wife telling me about the same sort of phenomenon happening with the women. In fact, from the way she said it, women are even worse about this than men are. Not that we can use that as an excuse to talk bad about our wives, just that it’s a problem that goes both ways.

I call it a problem because it is. How in the world can you talk bad about your wife in public, and then expect to go home and speak positively to her? How can you badmouth all the bad things she does, and then expect to see the good in her? How can you express dissatisfaction in your marriage, and then expect to act with love towards your wife? You know something, you can’t.

If you’re feeling a little guilty right about now, that’s good; or maybe it’s bad. It’s good, because you’re getting the point I’m trying to make. It’s bad, because you have a problem in your thoughts, which you need to deal with.

I have found that I can’t act sweet, loving and romantic towards my wife, unless I am feeling that all the time. Oh, I can do a romantic act without feeling that way, but I can’t live a life of doing romantic acts, without having romantic feelings towards my wife and romantic thoughts about her. My attitudes towards her when I’m away from her greatly affect my actions towards her when I’m with her.

When I was growing up, my parents told me, “If you don’t have anything nice to say about someone, don’t say anything at all.” There was more wisdom in that statement than I ever realized. At that time, I thought it was all about avoiding gossip; and it is. But, I’ve since found out that it’s more than that, it’s about guarding one’s heart. You see, when we express negativity it increases the negativity in our hearts. 

On the other hand, when we think positively, it increases our positive thoughts and feelings.

If you are speaking negatively about your wife when you’re not together, that means you’ve got a heart full of negative feelings. You need to do something about that, and you need to do something quickly. The easiest place for you to start is by starting to talk positively about her, whether you feel it or not. Keep doing that, because your words will begin to change your heart.

I’ve actually experienced this. Several years ago, I went through an emotional crisis that lasted about a year. The crux of this crisis was feeling unloved and unappreciated by my wife. Now, let me say right here, that she wasn’t doing anything wrong. The problem was in how I was perceiving her words and actions. I was taking her working so hard (she was a teacher) personally, as if she didn’t want to be with me. I was wrong for my attitudes, she wasn’t wrong for her actions.

Although I don’t remember it, I’m sure that somewhere in there, thoughts of divorce presented themselves to me for my approval. Well, I didn’t approve them; instead, I did the opposite. I decided to change my thoughts and actions towards my wife. So, when I found myself thinking negatively about her, I would force myself to change my thoughts, and think positively about her. When I felt unloved by her, I would force myself to do something special for her or to buy a gift for her.

Guess what? That changed my thoughts. Not only that, but it brought me out of my emotional nosedive. My feelings followed my actions. Had I continued being negative, who knows where I would have ended up; but it wouldn’t have been good. Changing those thoughts renewed our marriage.

So, let me ask you, what do you say about your wife, when she’s not there?

How Would You Describe Her?

Not too long ago, I wrote a post on this blog, in which I talked about how negative women are and how they struggle with self-esteem. There is so much in this world which constantly tells them that they aren’t good enough, they aren’t thin enough, their breasts aren’t big enough and they aren’t pretty enough. Our wives receive those messages and it destroys them.

Our wives need to be built up. They need to be encouraged. They need to know that we think they are special, even if the world doesn’t. They need to know that they are loved, just the way that they are. Actually, that will do more to make them want to better themselves, than all the world’s negative messages combined.

What made you fall in love with your wife? Was it just how she looked, or was there more to it than that? Hopefully, it was more than her looks, even if her looks were what got you to look. But, after that first look, what was it about her that got you to keep looking?

Don’t try and tell me that there was nothing else; I’d have trouble believing that. I’ve seen a lot of beautiful women in my life whose hearts were so black and cold they’d freeze a fireplace. So, even if her beauty got you to look, there had to be something else there inside.

Your wife needs you to tell her what it is that makes her special. Dr. Gary Chapman, in his book, The Five Love Languages, says that one of the ways in which we show love is through words of affirmation. So, let’s do a little affirming here. Let’s let our wives know what is so special about them as individuals.

Start out by making a list of her positive attributes (nothing negative or even neutral allowed). This is going to take some time; you want a nice long list. Try and get a full page. Be sure to include:

• Adjectives which describe her, especially her personality
• Things she makes you think of: “When I see you, I think of…”
• Things she does well: “You’re a great…”
• Things she does that make you smile: “When you do ____, it makes me smile/gives me joy/makes me proud/amazes me.”
• It's okay to mention physical attributes, but don't focus on them

Be sure to top the list with an explanation of what it is. This doesn’t have to be long, it can just be something like “My wife is…” or “This is what you are to me” “or “(her name) is…”

Now that you’ve got your list, all you have to do is deliver it. There’s two ways you can go about this. The first one is to just print it up on your computer and give it to her. Whether you hand it to her, leave it for her to find or send it through the mail, it’s still giving it to her. The second way you can go about this is to read it to her. That’s the way I’d recommend.

If you decide to read it to her, find a time when you won’t be interrupted, sit down together and pull out your paper. Tell her something like “I want to tell you who you are” or “I haven’t told you how special you are in a while, so let me tell you.” Then, once you’re sure you’ve got her attention, read her the list.

It might be a good idea to have a box of Kleenex casually and conveniently located on the table, within reach. Otherwise, there’s a good possibility that you might have to stop in the middle, so she can run to the bathroom.