Keep Your Eyes Open

One of the things that work great with romance is spontaneity. Now, you may not be the spontaneous sort of guy; you might be the type that plans everything out to the T. I mean, your vacations are even run by the clock. Okay, buy that’s not saying that you can’t still be spontaneous.

More than anything, being spontaneous means keeping your eyes open for opportunities to be romantic. You never know when you’ll see something or hear something that gives you an opportunity to do or say something to show your wife that you love her. Let me give you a few examples.

• You’re walking in the park and encounter someone selling roses; buy her one.
• You’re wife is bemoaning the bad things that people are saying about her at work; tell her a list of things that you think are great about her.
• You’re on your way home from somewhere; stop and eat, get an ice cream, or a latte along the way.
• You’re in a store and see some little doodad that you think she’d like; buy it for her.
• You’re in another store and pass by the greeting cards; buy an “I love you” card and mail it to her.

See? It’s really not hard to be spontaneous. More than anything, it takes an awareness of the opportunities that present themselves. Actually, it’s about thinking about your wife all that time, so that you see those opportunities that present themselves.

Once upon a time, you fell in love with your wife. In that time, you were thinking about her day and night. Well, what happened? Why did you stop thinking about her all the time? Probably because you started thinking about the negative things you see in her, instead of focusing on the positive ones. Since that’s nowhere near as enjoyable, you stopped thinking about her as much.

That’s easy to remedy. All you have to do is begin thinking positively about her again. Think of all the things you love about her. Think about how much you love to make love to her. Think about the things which caused you to fall in love with her in the first place. Think about the feel of her skin when you touch her. Think about how much of a blessing it is that God decided “it’s not good for man to be alone.”

Thinking this way about her will help you to put things into a positive perspective. You’ll start feeling more positive about her and react as if you do. You’ll also become more aware of those romantic opportunities that present themselves.

One other little detail. When you do those spontaneous romantic acts, present them as romantic acts. If you stop for a latte with your wife, don’t say “I want a cup of coffee” tell her, “I thought you’d like a latte.” See the difference? One is self-centered, while the other is her centered. She’s not going to see anything as romantic, as long as it is self-centered. It has to be about her, or it isn’t going to work.

All that Glitters

As Shakespeare once wrote, “All that glitters is not gold.” When the great bard of England wrote that, he was referring to the fact that not everything that looks like gold is gold. Iron pyrites, otherwise known as “fool’s gold” gives credence to that statement, as it has the appearance of gold, while being virtually worthless.

Even though not everything that glitters is gold, that doesn’t take anything away from the glitter of gold, silver, precious stones, or any of those other bobbles which women love to have. There’s something about jewelry that fascinates women. I’m not sure if it’s the intrinsic value of it, or the lasting beauty, but whatever the reason, women love receiving jewelry as gifts. That’s a fact you can take to the bank; to the safe-deposit vault to be exact.

Most men use flowers as their fail-safe gift, when they don’t know what to buy for their wives. While there’s nothing wrong with that, giving the same thing over and over again can be a bit repetitive. We need a bit of imagination in our gift giving; if for no other reason than to show our wives that we really do think about the gifts which we buy.

Jewelry is a great option, when you want to give a gift to your wife. I have yet to meet a woman who doesn’t like to receive jewelry. I know, you’re thinking, “Ouch, that’s an expensive gift idea he came up with.” Wait a minute, though; jewelry doesn’t have to be expensive.

While jewelry can be very expensive, there are a lot of things you can buy which aren’t. A pair of earrings isn’t all that expensive, neither is a freshwater pearl necklace. For that matter, lots of women like costume jewelry, which isn’t expensive at all.

Remember, the idea isn’t how much money you can spend. You don’t get more points for spending more dollars; women just don’t think that way. What gets you points is the number of different romantic acts that you do, not how big each of them is. So, buying your wife a $500 necklace isn’t going to get you any more points than a $20 pair of earrings.

That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t buy the $500 necklace if that’s what you want to do (and can afford to do). All I’m saying is don’t let the lack of funds to buy the big gift keep you from buying any gift. It’s not about the money; it’s about you thinking of her and thinking of what she would like.

That brings me to another important point. You want to be sensitive to her style. If your wife is all about modern simple lines, don’t buy here something that has enough filigree to make it look like it was made back in Elizabethan England. Likewise, it doesn’t work to buy ultra-modern styles for a woman whose dresses all have lace on them. You need to find jewelry which matches her style.

Okay, so how do you do that? It’s actually quite simple. Start out by finding out what her style is. Look at the jewelry she already has. Look at her clothes. Look at the furniture she buys for the house. What type of style is all that displaying? Is it modern, Victorian, Rustic? Whatever style she is buying the most of is her style. All you have to do is find something that matches that style and she’ll love it.

If you’re still now sure how to define her style, go to the jewelry store or jewelry counter in a department store and describe that to them. They’re used to men who don’t know their wife’s style. All you have to do is describe what your investigation uncovered and they’ll be able to recommend pieces that match her style. So, you see, it’s really not all that hard.

If you really want to make more impact with your gift, give it to her sometime when you take her out to eat. That will make it even more romantic. 

Be an Encouragement

It’s very easy to get into a mode of being negative about everything. Many couples suffer from this negativity, where they are putting each other’s ideas, actions and accomplishments down, instead of building each other up. Yet, of anyone in the world, the one person we should each be able to count on for encouragement is our spouse.

Now, before you go off on a tangent, grumbling about how your wife isn’t encouraging you; I’m not talking about her, I’m talking to you. Whether or not your wife encourages you is another issue entirely. What I’m concerned about right now, is whether or not you are encouraging her.

Actually, the best way to get her to encourage you is to start encouraging her more. Women are created to be responders; that means that they will respond to what we do as men. If we are constantly negative, it will make them all that much more negative. However, if we are positive, it will pull them towards the direction of being positive. You may not be able to change her all the way, but you will be able to give her a gentle push in the right direction.

Not only that, but the more positive and encouraging you are, the less likely you are to be bothered by any negativity she displays. The worst thing in the world is two negative people, who feed off of each other, making each other more and more negative.

Once upon a time, you thought that woman you married was the most wonderful woman in the world. There was something there which you liked so much, that you ended up falling in love with her. I’d venture to guess that whatever that was, it’s still there. Maybe it’s been covered up a bit by the busy-ness of life, but that doesn’t mean that she’s changed; it just means that you need to draw that out of her.

The problem most women face is that they are inherently negative. If a man passes a mirror in a department store, he looks at himself and says, “Yeah, I’ve still got it” (whatever “it” is). When a woman looks at it, she sees Medusa. All she can see is that she isn’t as pretty as she wants to be, her hair doesn’t look like she just came from the hairdresser, she’s not as thin as a supermodel and her clothes aren’t designer specials. Society tells her that she has to be pretty and to do so requires all that. So, when she sees herself, she doesn’t see anything that makes her think she’s pretty.

Okay, so she’s not a supermodel. There are only eight of those in the world anyway, and none of them look like their photos. Real life doesn’t come with PhotoShop. Even so, there are a lot of special things about your wife. It has to be true, or you wouldn’t have married her in the first place.

Remind yourself of those things which caused you to fall in love with her. Then, remind her of them as well. Don’t say, “you used to…” instead say, “I love this about you…” That’s what she needs to hear. She also needs to hear that she’s good at what she does. She needs to know that at least one person sees her efforts and thinks they are good. That person is you.

A Stroll by the Light of the Moon

As we all know, romance requires time. It’s impossible to be truly romantic if one isn’t willing to spend time with their wife. It doesn’t matter how much money you spend on flowers and gifts, if you never get to spend any time together, they aren’t going to make her feel loved.

Finding time to spend together can be a real challenge in our hurry-up, hustle and bustle world. It’s even worse if you’ve got kids. It almost seems like those kids have a conspiracy set up between them, to make sure that their parents can’t get any time alone together. You finally get them all in bed, sit down on the sofa to spend a few minutes together and one or another of them pop out of bed. It doesn’t matter what the reason, they’ll make one up if they have to.

Well, we’re bigger than the kids, we’ve got more experience, more education; so, we ought to be able to come up with a way to outsmart them, and get that few minutes alone. Actually, it’s not all that hard; all we have to do is leave the house. That way, when they try to interrupt us in the living room, they can’t find us.

Now, I realize that you probably aren’t all that comfortable leaving your kids in the house alone; and your wife is even less comfortable. But, I’m not talking about leaving them alone and going away for a few hours; I’m talking about leaving them alone in bed for a few minutes, while you stay in sight of the house.

You see, just getting out of the house, to walk down your street and back can be romantic. That is, it can be romantic if you manage to get the time alone together. That’s really what it’s about, not the walking, but getting to be together, without interruptions.

A nice, slow stroll, hand in hand, up and down your own street may not seem like the most romantic thing you’ve ever done, but it’s still romantic. Romance doesn’t require money; nor does it require elaborate planning. Romance is an expression of love, and one of the ways in which we can express love is by just spending time together.

Remember, this isn’t about making it a race, nor is it about getting exercise, it’s about spending a few minutes alone together. if you can’t make yourself walk slowly, then maybe you’d be better off sitting on the porch. Either way, enjoy the evening, the breeze, the stars, the moon, and most of all, enjoy some time just for the two of you.

A Scent of Romance

Have you ever wondered why women like perfume so much? Generally speaking, they are much more interested in perfume, than men are in after shave and cologne. If you’re not sure that I’m right, just go into any department store and compare the prices of the perfumes to the after shave. While there are perfumes which are cheap, you really don’t see after shave lotion which is expensive. Not only that, but perfume is given to women as a special gift, whereas after shave is only given to men when someone can’t come up with a better gift idea.

So, back to the original question, why is this so? It’s actually rather simple. Women’s noses, like all their senses, are more sensitive than men’s are. That also explains why women are more offended by foul odors than men are. That fishy smell, which might bother you and I a bit, but we pretty much ignore it, can be a major irritant to our wives.

I don’t really know how far back the idea of perfume goes, or how far back it was considered a romantic gift. However, we do find historic reference to it at least 3,000 years ago, while deodorants didn’t exist until the 9^th century. Imagine the dark ages, when people though that bathing was dangerous? If it wasn’t for perfume, I think the human race would have died out; women wouldn’t have been able to stand to get close enough to men for procreation to happen.

Maybe that has something to do with perfume becoming a romantic gift. Then again, it could have something to do with being something that pleases the senses. Regardless of the reason, we can be assured that perfume, as a romantic gift, is here to stay.

What is your wife’s favorite perfume? My wife’s comes from the Lily of the Valley, and is made in France. It’s almost impossible to find, making it that much more precious of a commodity in our home. I’ve tried other perfumes, including a rather expensive one, which is based upon lilies, but it’s just not the same. This taught me that it’s important not only to buy perfume, but to buy her the right perfume.

How do you find out which perfume is the right one? Simple, look at what she’s got. The bottle with the least in it is probably the one she uses the most. That’s the scent she likes. Even if she isn’t ready for a new bottle, all hope is not lost. You can take the name of that perfume, go to the perfume counter in your favorite upscale department store and say, “I’d like something similar to…” The clerk there should be able to show you other perfumes, which are similar to your wife’s favorite. That helps ensure that she’s going to like it.

Be sure to have it gift wrapped too. The extra moments of having to unwrap the package add to the experience of receiving the gift.

Let me mention one other thing here as well. Since we aren’t as interested in the smell of the perfume as our wives are, we tend to forget to use things like after shave and cologne. Don’t forget. You’re not doing it for you; you’re doing it for her. She’ll appreciate it. 

Have you ever wondered why so many old romantic movies have the guy singing to the girl somewhere in the movie? Even a few more modern movies have this, although it isn’t as common as it used to be. There’s something special about music, especially when it is directed at a particular person.

Music touches the soul in a way that more simple words do not. That’s why advertisers use it so much. A catchy jingle about a product is much more likely to be remembered than an elaborate explanation or even a well thought out tag line. Music not only touches the emotions of the person, but also burns the memory deeper into our conscience.

Unfortunately, not all of us are given the gift of golden voices. Personally, I have been forbidden by my children from singing in public at any time. I’m not even allowed to sing in the shower, if others are in the house. The only time I can sing is when nobody else knows I’m doing it. Of course, that might have something to do with all of them studying the arts in college, two of them being musicians. They think that my inability to carry a tune banns me from singing forevermore.

Nevertheless, I’m sure that some of you out there have those golden voices of fame; or at least you can pretend that you do, much better than I can. So, why not use it for being romantic? Let me ask you; when was the last time you sang a song to your wife?

You know, it’s amazing how many love songs there are out there. It seems that love songs have been being sung since the beginning of time. Even modern music, with all its unusual expressions, still has a fair number of love songs being produced.

Do the two of you have a favorite song? Maybe there’s something that you used to hear on the radio, when you were dating. Well, why not learn it, and serenade your wife with it? Unless she doesn’t like music, or you have a reputation as a singer like mine, she’s bound to love it. 

An Old-Fashioned Expression of Love

It can be a bit challenging to continually come up with new ways to express your love to your wife. Of course, you can continue to do the old ones, but women like new things; they like it when you can surprise them with something, especially when you can surprise them with some new expression of love. So, variety is an important part of romance.

Let me explain. If you buy your wife flowers, she thinks you’re romantic. If you buy them the second day, she thinks you’re really romantic. On the third day, she’s bragging to her friends about how romantic you are. But, when you come home with flowers on the fourth day, she’s going to wonder what you’re up to. By the end of the week, her reaction is more like “Oh, flowers again, ho hum, that’s nice.” It’s not that she doesn’t like flowers any more, it’s just that it’s become routine.

While I have yet to find a woman who doesn’t like her husband to tell her he loves her, I’m sure that just saying so can become routine as well. That doesn’t eliminate the importance of telling her, it just shows that we need to add some variety to keep things fresh.

For those of you who are old enough to remember, one way that we used to express love was to carve a heart with our initials in the bark of a tree. Now, I realize that’s not a high-tech way of expressing love, but you know, love doesn’t require high-tech. love has existed since before tech existed. People were able to express love to one another before technology came along, and believe it or not, we still can.

Now, I’m not a fan of vandalism, so I’m going to avoid doing this romantic act in the park. Instead, I’d like to suggest that you pick a tree in your own yard, and carve your initials in it. Make sure you’ve got a good, sharp pocket knife, preferably one with a locking blade. You really don’t want to get cut in the process of showing your love.

It’s up to you whether you do it, then show her, or take her with you while you do it. I guess that depends a bit on how good you are at carving. You may want to practice a bit, before showing off your new artistic ability to your wife.

One of the neat things about this is its permanence. I’ve seen trees with initials carved in them in rather remote places; places where not many people go. I always wonder when it was done, and by whom. Well, if you carve your heart in a tree in your back yard, whoever lives in that house after you will be wondering who you were. 

Put a Cap on the Grumbling

You know, if we’d watch our own reactions to things as closely as we watch our wife's reactions, we’d be amazed by what we saw. Really, many of our reactions are much different than what we think they are, specifically much more negative than we think they are. We notice it when our wives react negatively, but we ignore it or even justify it when we do.

Take, for example, our reaction when they ask us to do something. Now, we probably think nothing of it, but most of the time, when our wives ask us to do something, we grumble about it. That grumbling only gets louder when what they ask us to do something which will interrupt what we are already doing.

Actually, most of what they ask us to do really isn’t all that hard. Okay, okay, painting the house is a bit of a project, I’ll agree; but taking the garbage out isn’t. Yet, we grumble about taking out the garbage, as if we had to slay three dragons, run through a minefield and pay the orthodontist, just to get from the house and the curb. C’mon now, it’s really not all that bad.

Let’s take a look from her point of view for a change. How do you think your wife feels when she asks you to do something and you grumble about it? Do you think that makes her feel loved? How about important? Maybe it makes her feel like you’re committed to the marriage? Or, possibly she sees it as your way of saying “Yes dear?” No, you know it doesn’t come across as any of that.

With enough of that grumbling you can actually get your wife to stop asking you to do anything. How’s that for a deal? All you have to do is keep up the grumbling and she’ll leave you alone. Of course, she’ll probably stop doing some things that you want her to do as well; but hey, that’s not much of a price to pay, is it? Or, is it really too much of a price to pay?

Remember those pesky little vows we took at the wedding. Wasn’t there something in there about “better or worse?” Well, guess what, we may have just found a little piece of the worse. Actually, it’s not all that bad. If the worst thing you have to deal with in your life is taking out the garbage or teaching her how to copy a computer file for the umpteenth time is the worst thing that happens in your life, you’ve got it made.

The point is, when you married her, you committed to giving her all that you are, just as she committed to give you all that she is. “Giving all” also means being available to her when she needs you, no matter what it is. Without grumbling. 

Is There Something She Runs Out Of?

I think most of us guys tend to prefer leaving the shopping to our wives. I mean, they seem to have that shopping gene and we don’t; so, why bother suffering through going to the store, when we can leave that in their quite capable hands. Not only do we avoid the suffering, but they get to enjoy themselves. Sounds like a win-win situation to me.

Of course, there are some things that we’ve got to shop for on our own. I don’t really trust my wife to go to the hardware store, without some really explicit instructions. Maybe your wife understands that stuff, but my wife sure doesn’t. So, I don’t usually send her to the hardware store, or the office supply store for that matter. There are some things which I have to shop for myself, much as I don’t want to.

I’ve actually found another category where it makes sense for me to do the shopping; that is to shop for things she has a tendency to run out of. Little things, like safety pins and band-aids. My wife notices she’s out of them when she needs one. I notice when I see the box almost empty.

Let’ me give you an example. When I feed the dog in the morning, I automatically look to see how much dog food there is, and think “Okay, there’s enough to last another 10 days or so.” My wife doesn’t do that; she looks at it and sees, “Okay, there’s dog food.” That happens because generally speaking (which means that I’m going to be generally wrong), man are more long-term planners than women are. So, I’m doing that all day long, with everything I use, without really thinking about it.

There’s three ways I can deal with those things when I see them. The first one, which we guys are really good at, is to ignore it. “After all,” I can say to myself, “she’s the one who does the shopping.” That’s all it takes to assuage any guilt I might feel. While that’s the easy out, it’s not the responsible answer. My second option is to put it on the shopping list. At least that way I’m doing something to contribute to the benefit of the family. Or, the third option is that I can buy it myself.

I know, I know, that almost sounds like heresy. Why in the world would I buy it myself, when I know that my wife is going to the store anyway? Well, here’s where shopping can get romantic. Granted, buying flowers and candy for your wife is romantic, but here’s another way. When I see that my wife is about out of something, I make a note to buy it. That way, when she runs out of it, I have a reserve supply for her.

However, I don’t buy it and just put it in the cabinet; I buy it and keep it. That way, when she needs it, I can produce it for her. Okay, so I’m trying to get some kudos here, so what? The point isn’t just buying it; the point is that she knows that I’m taking care of her. Granted, it’s something small. But, when she needs it, it’s not that small to her.

Now, I don’t do this with everything, nor can I come anywhere near claiming to do it all the time. What I do is make a note of it on my tablet, so that when I’m in the store, I can check to see if there’s anything extra I should pick up. There are many times where she buys it before I go to the store. There are other times where I totally forget about it. But, when I can remember to do it, I do. It’s just another little way of showing my wife that I care about her.

Texting Your Love

You know, it’s truly amazing; women never get tired of being told that they are loved. I don’t care how many times you do it, they still want to hear it some more. I know that may seem a bit strange to you and me, but we’re not talking about how we think, but how they think.

If a woman says “I love you” to a man over and over again, he’s going to think, “Then show me.” But, women aren’t wired that way. They are much more motivated by the words than we are. To them, the words alone are enough to be a demonstration of love. Of course, that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t show our love in other ways, but we definitely need to do so with words.

When I was working away from home, I would make a point of calling my wife once a day from the office. All I was doing was calling to tell my wife that I loved her, nothing else. Yet, those few moments when I called her served to brighten her day and make her feel loved.

Technology has actually made it easier for us to tell our wives that we love them. It’s almost as if text messaging was created with that in mind. Okay, I know it’s useful for lots of other things too, but there’s no question that it’s definitely a great way to remind our wives of our love for them. Not only that, but it’s an easy way to do so, which doesn’t take much time and can be done several times a day.

You might ask, “Won’t she get tired of receiving the same message over and over again?” The simple answer is no; you’ll get tired of sending it much faster than she’ll get tired of receiving it. However, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t use a little variety. Just because she won’t get tired of it doesn’t mean she wouldn’t appreciate some other expressions of love as well. In fact, mixing up your message a bit will help grab her attention and keep your message “fresh.” So, here’s some other things you might want to consider saying:

• I miss you
• Can’t wait to see you
• Let’s find some place to hide from the kids this evening, so we can be alone
• I need you
• Can’t wait to put my arms around you
• You’re so special
• How did I end up lucky enough to get you for a wife?
• I’m counting the minutes till I see you again. Only (put in number) more to go.
• I want you
• Let’s go for a walk tonight
• Let’s go out to eat tonight
• It’s great to have you to come home to
• I feel a need to connect with you
• I was just looking at (insert name) and was thinking how glad I am that you’re my wife
• You’re the best wife in the world
• You’re everything I ever dreamed of
• I'm having trouble working, because I'm thinking of you

Hopefully, that’s enough to give you some ideas of your own. Let your imagination go wild; just avoid being crude. Women get turned off when we get crude. If you want to make any sexual references, do it obliquely, not directly; that’ll be much more palatable to her. In fact, the best way to tell her you want to make love is to say “I want to connect with you.” While that may not sound sexual to you, it will sound great to her.

Whatever you do, don’t forget the number one rule, Do it often. That’s what she needs. 

Is Her Car Okay?

There’s a joke about a woman who went into the auto parts store and asked them for the “710 Part” because she’d lost the one from her car. Of course, the salesman had no idea what she was talking about, so he asked her to describe it. She told him that it was a little round thing that sits on top of the engine, which you take off to put oil in. She never realized that she was reading it upside down.

Well, I’d have to say that she was way ahead of most women, at least as far as her knowledge of cars and engines are concerned. I don’t know about your wife, but I can show my wife 20 times how to check the oil and put it in, and she still doesn’t get it. It’s not that she’s not intelligent; it’s just that she’s not intelligent in that way. Cars, and for that matter, anything mechanical, just aren’t her thing.

So, I’ve always made allowances for that. Ever since we got married, 25 years ago, I’ve always made sure that she had the better car to drive. Although we’ve never had new cars, she always drove the newer of the old cars which we had. Even now, her car is newer than mine, with lots less miles on it.

Of course, being newer doesn’t exempt her car from having problems. Anything mechanical is going to have breakdowns every now and then. That’s why I’ve always made her car the family car. As such, I end up driving it whenever we go someplace as a family. Why? Not to keep everyone out of my car, but to make sure that her car is doing well. Since she’s not mechanical, I can’t expect her to notice if the car has a problem, that’s my job.

I remember when one of my daughters started driving. As far as cars were concerned, she was the epitome of a woman driver. Not in the sense of being a bad driver, but in the sense of not paying attention to the vehicle. I must have had to rescue her for being out of gas 30 or 40 times in that first year. She always said the same thing, “The car broke down, I know it has gas in it, because I bought some the other day.” The thing was, she bought $5.00 worth of gas, and drove it for two days.

Then there was the string of power steering pumps she went through. I must have changed the power steering pump on one car seven times. It had a slow leak which I couldn’t find, so I kept telling her to add fluid. Of course, she didn’t. She didn’t even notice that the car had problems until the battery went dead because the belt fell off.

The topper to all this was that she destroyed two cars for not checking the oil. Yep, seized two engines in the same year. The only good thing I can say about that was that they were both old junkers, so it really wasn’t much of a loss.

What’s the point of all this? Simple, don’t expect your wife to check the car herself, she’s not equipped for that. She’s equipped to put the key in it and push the gas pedal, that’s about it. Expecting more from her really isn’t fair. You need to do that for her.

I don’t know about you, but I tend to get a bit nervous when my wife is late coming home from somewhere. Not that I don’t trust my wife, just that I don’t trust the world around her. There are plenty of things which can go wrong, none of which are her fault. One thing I don’t want to go wrong is her car breaking down and causing her problems. Taking care of her car is helping to take care of her too.

Home Décor

You know, it may not be all that important to you, but how your home looks is really important to your wife. While you can be happy anywhere, with any type of furniture, with or without pictures on the walls, to her those things are important. The home is the place of the family; the most important people in your wife’s world. So that makes her home important to her as well.

Women like to decorate their homes. I can just imagine a couple of birds, building their nests. The guy would be making sure that the sticks they use are strong enough to support the weight of his family and are well attached to the branch, for security. On the other hand, she’d ignore all that and be concerned about how soft it was, putting a leaf here or a flower there. In fact, if you counted on her to build it all, it’d probably be beautiful, but missing the floor. He’d be sure to have the floor, but it would look like a garbage can.

Well we’re really not all that different. Women complain that they could leave a basket of clean laundry in the middle of the living room for a whole week, and as long as it wasn’t in the way of the television, their husbands would ignore it (except to step over it). We just don’t pay that much attention.

I’m not saying that you should become an interior decorator, but it sure wouldn’t hurt for you to open your eyes and see what your house looks like on the inside. You might even see something that you like (that is, something besides your wife).

It would also do wonders for your wife’s appreciation of you if you took a bit of an interest in how the home is decorated. No; I’m not talking about hanging a deer head over the fireplace. I’m talking about figuring out what she wants it to look like, and helping make it that way. Is she going for a modern look? Or, maybe she’s into antiques? How about retro, is that her look? You don’t know? Not surprising. You know, you could always ask.

Yes, believe it, or not, you can ask your wife what decorating style she’s going for. And while that may make you look like you don’t know anything about interior decorating; it’ll also make it look like you are interested in her and what she wants. That’s the important part.

Okay, now that you know what style she’s after, what can you do to help? Does some wall or some room need to be painted? Does she need a knick-knack shelf for the wall? Could you maybe find something decorative on e-Bay that would fit the style she’s going for?

Remember, when you take an interest in what she’s interested in, she sees it as you taking an interest in her. So, your taking an interest in how the house looks directly translates in her mind to an interest in the family, along with you valuing her opinions and desires. That’s important, because that’s dealing directly with who she is.

Sticking Love All Around

I’m always looking for new ways to tell my wife that I love her. It seems that she never gets tired of that. It’s almost like she’s got an insatiable appetite for hearing those three words. Regardless of what happens in our lives, she needs to be reaffirmed of my love for her.

Actually, that is a real need for women. It probably has something to do with the negative side of their nature. If they don’t constantly hear that they are loved, then they start to think that they are unloved. Of course, we’re just as bad, only we aren’t as interested in the words and in some sort of action that shows that we are loved.

I have to give credit to my daughter for this one. She was heading off to college after the Christmas holidays. The night before leaving, she was walking all around the house with a pad of sticky notes and a marker, putting “I Love You” notes all over the place. Of course, they were signed by her and not by me, but I thought “what a wonderful, romantic idea.” Granted, she wasn’t trying to be romantic, just be loving; but aren’t the two more or less the same?

So, grab yourself a pad of sticky notes; better yet, go buy a pad of heart shaped sticky notes and put them to work. Make sure you pick a wide variety of places, some obvious and some that she won’t find for a while. That way, when she finds them, it’ll be a nice surprise for her. 

Be Quick to Lend a Hand

We all work hard and deserve a chance to rest when we get home; or, at least, that’s what we think. But, you know, our wives work just as hard as we do, and when they come home from work, they have to fix dinner, clean the house and do the laundry. Seems like the old saying about a woman’s work never being done is even more true today than it was when they came up with that line.

Our wives need a break just as much as we do. In fact, if we want them to have energy for us, we’d better make sure that they get a break, or by the end of the evening, all they can do is collapse.

How many times have you just sat there and watched your wife struggle with something that would be easy for you to do? It doesn’t matter if it’s a problem on the computer, carrying in the groceries or changing the air conditioning filter, we need to be aware of the struggles that our wives go through. Even more so, we need to do something about those struggles.

Let me give you a simple example. My wife gives classes in English as a Second Language. Some of those classes are given here in our home, while others are given in other locations. When she comes home from one of those classes, she’s got a mountain of stuff to bring in from the car. Now, I could easily say to myself, “I’m busy with my work. That’s her work; I’ll let her do it.” I could even justify that in my mind as being ok, since I wasn’t doing anything against her; but rather, just doing my work.

Okay, so I don’t help her. Well, after being on her feet for five hours, my wife is tired. The last thing she wants to do is to carry a bunch of stuff into the house. At the same time, leaving a computer and video projector in the car might be a good way to get it stolen.

So, by stopping my work for five minutes to go help my wife, I make things easier for her. Hey, we’re supposed to be the strong ones, let’s be strong. That box which is nothing for us to pick up can be really heavy to her. Taking those five minutes out from my work to help her out is a worthwhile investment in our relationship. She knows I’m doing it for her and she knows I care.

Of course, we can get out of such things really easy by just getting there a moment too late. But hey, you don’t get any points for good intentions, just for good actions.

Did you realize that something that simple is romantic? Women think it’s highly romantic for their husbands to help them. If she’s tired after dinner, you clear the table and wash the dishes. Once she’s over the shock, she’ll be thinking “what a great husband I have.” Or, she’s vacuuming the living room and trying to get the nozzle under the sofa; pick it up for her. Or, she’s trying to plant a rose bush by the front door using a little garden spade. Grab the shovel and dig her a real hole for it. These things are so simple for us to do, but hard for them.

The trick here is being aware of what she’s doing and what you can do to make it easier. That requires being constantly aware of what your wife is doing. My wife and I both work out of our home. So, I make it a habit to get up from my desk every once in a while, to see what she is doing. That way, I can keep in contact with her throughout the day, but I can also see when she needs my help.

The struggle for most of us is that we don’t want our activities interrupted to help them with theirs. It doesn’t matter if we’re doing work, watching the game or shooting some hoops, we don’t like to be interrupted. But, you know, ultimately it’s worth it.

Sex Flowers

Recently, I read a blog post by a woman, written to women, entitled “Sex Flowers.” I can’t remember who wrote it, nor can I find the posting by searching for it; so whoever it was, I give them thanks.

One of the struggles we have, as men, is in understanding the thought process of our wives. A large percent of marital fighting is over misunderstandings. That’s because we don’t speak the same language. While both men and women use the same words to speak, we don’t necessarily apply the same meanings to those words.

The same thing happens with our actions. We might do something, with one intention, yet our wives have a totally different understanding of it. Take the guy who spends his whole Saturday doing the “honey-do” list, in order to show his wife that he loves her. At the end of the day, he collapses on the couch, tired but satisfied that he’d done those things for his wife. She sits down too and says, “You don’t love me.” Frustrated and amazed, he responds, “What are you talking about, I just spent the whole day doing things you wanted me to do, in order to show you that I love you?” To which she says, “But you didn’t say the words, ‘I love you’.”

Granted, situations like that can be very frustrating; and unfortunately, they show up way too often. We think we’re doing good; but our wives don’t see it the same way.

That’s the situation which that woman was writing about in her blog post. She had made love to her husband and he bought her flowers the next day. She called them “sex flowers,” because in her mind, he had bought the flowers for her as “payment” for sex. It took her a while, but she finally realized that his motivation wasn’t to pay her, but because he was feeling loving towards her.

It’s very easy for us as guys to feel loving towards our wives after sex; but the reality is that we should be just as loving to them before the sex. If the only time we do something loving for our wives or buy a gift for them is the day after sex, I can understand how they would take it wrong. In their eyes, the only time they were loved would be because of sex.

The easy solution for this misunderstanding is to make sure that you act loving towards her and buy her romantic gifts even when she isn't giving you the sex you want. While that may go against your natural inclination, it will really show her that you love her. It will shout the message that your love isn't just about sex. 

Sure, all us guys like sex, love sex, and want more sex; but our wives aren’t wired the same way we are. Sex requires a much bigger emotional investment on her part, than it does on your part. If her love tank is running near empty, she may not feel as if she has enough in there to invest in giving you sex. On the other hand, if it’s running near full, she’s going to be ready whenever you want her to be. It’s up to you to make sure her love tank is full.

Now, don’t take this as I’m saying that the only reason you should be romantic is so that you can get sex. You should be romantic because your wife needs for you to be romantic, so that she will feel loved. At the same time, making her feel loved is the best way to ensure that she’ll make you feel loved as well.

Facing Problems Together

Have you ever read Willard F. Harley’s book, “His Needs, Her Needs?” It’s a rather interesting book, showing the five most basic emotional needs for men and women. If you’ve never read it, it’s worth picking up. Doesn’t even take all that long to read.

Amongst the needs that Harley states for women is Financial Support, he describes it as “She needs enough money to live comfortably.” “Live comfortably,” now, there’s a tricky term. What may be comfortable to one definitely isn’t to another. The filthy rich people out there call themselves “comfortable.” So, if we go by their definition, you’d better be a millionaire. Yet on the other end of the scale, in Veggie Tales story of “Madame Blueberry” the French family living in a tent was more comfortable than the Madame. So, according to Big Ideas Productions, you need to get rid of your house, and pitch a tent in the park.

Actually, comfort really doesn’t have much to do with how much you have. It has a lot more to do with what you do with what you have. How you live isn’t just a result of having money, but of using what money you have in a way that makes you comfortable. C’mon now, let’s be honest, you really don’t need a 14 bedroom mansion to be comfortable, do you?

Okay, so if we don’t need that huge mansion, does that mean that we really need to move into the tent? No, I wouldn’t suggest that extreme either. Regardless of how happy those veggies were in the tent, I don’t think your wife is going to be any more comfortable there than my wife would be. No hot baths, no running water… just a little bit short on the creature comforts. While us guys can handle that pretty good, our wives really can’t.

So, where’s the balance in this equation? Well, it has to be somewhere in between. Let’s just shoot for middle class. Actually, any sort of middle class will do, just as long as it’s middle. Now, how does one live comfortably within those limits?

As I’ve already said, it’s not so much what you have as what you do with it. The first rule of comfort is that you can pay the bills, when they come in, without having to worry about them. If you haven’t seen it already, let me tell you, your wife can put you to shame worrying about the bills. She’s an Olympic champ at that and you’re a rank amateur. So, if you have trouble paying the bills, she’s not going to be comfortable, no matter what.

The next thing I’d have to say that is necessary is that you have some money set aside every month for fun. Yep, entertainment is an important budget item. The reason that it’s important is that we all need a chance to relax and unwind. Not having that opportunity builds stress; and that’s another place where your wife can make you look like an amateur.

Thirdly, I’d have to say that you need to have enough to eat. Here’s one place that many families blow it. They spend way too much on food, because they’re too lazy to cook. Eating out all the time, even in fast-food joints is expensive. If you’re taking your family out to eat all the time, you’re throwing money away.

No, I’m not saying that you can’t go out to eat; but what I am saying is to make it reasonable. Don’t get yourselves so busy that there’s no time to cook. Oh, and by the way, you can cook too. Don’t make your wife do it all the time. If you don’t know how, now is a good time to learn (warming up frozen prepared foods isn’t cooking).

Finally, if you’re going to be comfortable, the home you live in and the cars you drive need to look and work descent. That doesn’t mean that they need to be new; nor does it mean that they need to be perfect. What it means is that you need to fix whatever is broken. Many couples spend a huge percent of their income making payments on two cars. That’s the biggest money waster there is. By the time you finish paying for it, the car is worth about 20% of what you paid. In the meantime, you’ve paid as much per month for those cars as you paid for your house.

My wife and I drive older cars. Hers is a ’99 and mine is a ’96. However, they are both clean, run well, and in decent shape. Hers looks almost as good as it did when it rolled out of the showroom and mine would if I got it an Earl Sheib $199 paint job. The only reason I don’t is that it’s the car I drive in Mexico, and I don’t want to look like I’m driving a new car.

If your furniture is starting to get run-down looking, cover it up; make it look good again. If your kitchen is looking drab, paint it. If your carpet is wearing thin, put a rug over it. You don’t have to spend a lot of money to make your home look comfortable and in good repair. More than anything, you’ve got to spend a little bit of imagination, making things look better. That might cost a few bucks, but more than anything it will cost you a little bit of elbow grease. Cheap.

If you could do those four things, you could honestly say that you have allowed your wife to “live comfortably.” Why is that important? So that she’ll feel secure; that feeling of security will translate directly into a feeling of being loved.

Have Fun Together

It’s taken me a while, but I’ve finally come to the conclusion that, other than sex, it’s much more fun to be a kid than it is to be an adult. Think about it a minute. As a kid, the biggest worries you’ve got are not breaking your parents’ rules and passing the algebra test. The rest of your life is all about playing, hanging out with your friends and generally trying to have a good time.

Okay, so if that’s what life is like as a kid, why do we try so hard to grow up? I mean, doesn’t that sound like a lot more fun than going to work, paying the bills, cleaning the house, changing the oil in the car and weeding the flower beds?

It seems to me that we could all use a little more fun in our lives. We should all go back to being kids; playing, hanging out with our friends and generally trying to have a good time. Maybe if we did that, we’d smile a bit more, enjoy life better and not have so many heart attacks and ulcers. In fact, maybe if we could learn how to have fun together as a couple, we could enjoy being married, instead of just putting up with each other.

It is good to have fun together. It is good to laugh. It is good to play. Those are all things we need. All too often, we take ourselves way too seriously; I mean, really, is what you’re worrying about today going to make a difference in 100 years?

Years ago, I heard of a couple who were having their 50^th anniversary. Somebody asked them what they attributed their success to. Without hesitation, the man answered, “When we got married, we made an agreement; I’d make the living and my wife would make the living worthwhile.” Wow, what an answer!

Who’s making the living worthwhile in your marriage? Are you both too busy, trying to make the living, to have the time to make living worthwhile? If you both are busy making the living, then I’d venture to guess that nobody is making the living worthwhile. That’s a problem. No wonder you don’t have fun together and laugh together, you’re too busy trying to keep up with the Jones’, whoever they are.

If you both need to work, in order to pay the bills (as most couples do these days) then you both need to make an effort to take some time to make the living worthwhile as well. More than anything, that means making time to have fun together.

I know, you’re probably thinking right now, “Okay, so how do I do that?” Simple, act like kids again. Get off your high horse of pride, quit acting like an old fogie, and play. That’s it. Don’t try and tell me you don’t know how, you’re just pretending that you don’t know how. You’re afraid that someone might see you. So, what? If they see you, at least they’ll see you with a smile on your face.

“But what if they say something about it?” you ask. Easy, ask them why they aren’t having fun too. Don’t let the onus be on you for enjoying yourself, put it on them for being such a stick in the mud.

Playing together, and even more importantly laughing together, is fundamentally healthy for your relationship. Laughing together draws you closer to each other. As you laugh, you relax, which also helps you be more intimate together. It even helps you overcome disagreements and arguments that you might have had.

So, grab that pillow and throw it at her; or give her a squirt gun and a head start; or wrestle on the living room floor (or your bed). Don’t play a serious game, like Monopoly or Scrabble, play something silly like Candyland or Chutes and Ladders. Better yet, play something where you can both win. Have fun, laugh, relax.

An Office Surprise

You know, being romantic is more about using your imagination to come up with different ways of surprising your wife with demonstrations of your love, than it is anything else. If you wake up every morning and say “I love you” you are expressing your love to your wife. But, after a while, it becomes routine, she might wonder if you really mean it or are just saying so out of habit. You might even start to say it, without thinking about it.

On the other hand, when you make your expressions of love at random times, she isn’t expecting it and it makes a bigger impact. Not only that, but there’s none of the rote routine that might cause her to think you’re just doing it out of habit. So, while you can at times do things that you’ve done before, there needs to be enough time in between the repetition so that it doesn’t look repetitive.

So, here we are at Monday once again; talk about repetition, get up, get dressed, go to the office; now that’s repetitive. Well, why not make her arrival at the office a little special, even if you can’t make the office special.

How can you make it special? Simple, arrange for her office to look a little different when she gets there. Depending upon the time you have available, and the access you can get to her office. To do this, you’ll need to be able to get there early in the morning, before she does, or over the weekend. It might help to have a co-conspirator to help; one of her workmates. They can probably help you get in.

Take her some flowers in a vase, a card and make a nice big sign that says “I love you” or “You light up my life” or some sort of similar romantic phrase. Set the flowers and card right in the middle of her desk and put the sign on the wall, where she’s sure to see it.

Then, when she gets to the office, she’ll have something to brighten up her Monday. That should change her Monday blahs into something much more special.

By the way, this is sure to make all the other women in the office jealous of your wife. That should gain you a few extra points.  

How Would You Describe Her?

Not too long ago, I wrote a post on this blog, in which I talked about how negative women are and how they struggle with self-esteem. There is so much in this world which constantly tells them that they aren’t good enough, they aren’t thin enough, their breasts aren’t big enough and they aren’t pretty enough. Our wives receive those messages and it destroys them.

Our wives need to be built up. They need to be encouraged. They need to know that we think they are special, even if the world doesn’t. They need to know that they are loved, just the way that they are. Actually, that will do more to make them want to better themselves, than all the world’s negative messages combined.

What made you fall in love with your wife? Was it just how she looked, or was there more to it than that? Hopefully, it was more than her looks, even if her looks were what got you to look. But, after that first look, what was it about her that got you to keep looking?

Don’t try and tell me that there was nothing else; I’d have trouble believing that. I’ve seen a lot of beautiful women in my life whose hearts were so black and cold they’d freeze a fireplace. So, even if her beauty got you to look, there had to be something else there inside.

Your wife needs you to tell her what it is that makes her special. Dr. Gary Chapman, in his book, The Five Love Languages, says that one of the ways in which we show love is through words of affirmation. So, let’s do a little affirming here. Let’s let our wives know what is so special about them as individuals.

Start out by making a list of her positive attributes (nothing negative or even neutral allowed). This is going to take some time; you want a nice long list. Try and get a full page. Be sure to include:

• Adjectives which describe her, especially her personality
• Things she makes you think of: “When I see you, I think of…”
• Things she does well: “You’re a great…”
• Things she does that make you smile: “When you do ____, it makes me smile/gives me joy/makes me proud/amazes me.”
• It's okay to mention physical attributes, but don't focus on them

Be sure to top the list with an explanation of what it is. This doesn’t have to be long, it can just be something like “My wife is…” or “This is what you are to me” “or “(her name) is…”

Now that you’ve got your list, all you have to do is deliver it. There’s two ways you can go about this. The first one is to just print it up on your computer and give it to her. Whether you hand it to her, leave it for her to find or send it through the mail, it’s still giving it to her. The second way you can go about this is to read it to her. That’s the way I’d recommend.

If you decide to read it to her, find a time when you won’t be interrupted, sit down together and pull out your paper. Tell her something like “I want to tell you who you are” or “I haven’t told you how special you are in a while, so let me tell you.” Then, once you’re sure you’ve got her attention, read her the list.

It might be a good idea to have a box of Kleenex casually and conveniently located on the table, within reach. Otherwise, there’s a good possibility that you might have to stop in the middle, so she can run to the bathroom. 

The Day After Valentine’s Day

Well, how did you do? Was Valentine’s Day a success for you? Did your wife really, truly understand that you love her? If so, congratulations! If not, you need to ask yourself why not.

I took the day to do a number of things for my wife, each of them with the idea of letting her know that I loved her. I didn’t buy her a big, fancy, expensive gift; rather, I expressed my love to her in a variety of ways, mostly on paper. It took time and effort, but by the end, I had showed her my love in enough ways that she knew I meant it.

The other thing I did yesterday was to post a bunch of Murphy-isms about love on Facebook. What are Murphy-isms? They are my personal sayings and proverbs. Since my mind was on love yesterday (which made it a little hard to work) I decided to encourage others to show true love to their spouses. So, for those of you who aren’t my friends on Facebook, I thought I’d reproduce them here.

• If you've had war in your home, today is a good day to make peace. Not an armistice, which means you're both still armed camps, watching each other. Not a surrender or capitulation either, meaning that you give up and the other can have their way. No, what you need is a mutual defense treaty, which means that you are by each other's side against all opposition.
• Here's a Valentine's day challenge for you: See how many different ways you can come up with today to tell your spouse that you love them.
• True love is never about the least you can do to show them you love them; it's always about trying to do the most you can to show them you love them.
• Love is patient, kind, not envious, not boastful, not prideful. It isn't rude, not self-seeking, not easily angered, nor does it keep a record of wrongs. Love is never happy to see evil, but loves truth. It always, protects, always trust, always hopes, always perseveres. - Are you lacking any of those signs of love? Then now is the time to repent.
• They say "If you love someone, let them go..." as a test of whether or not they're yours. I say, if you don't know they're yours, you don't know them.
• If you are concerned, thinking that your spouse doesn't love you enough, what are you doing wrong?
• How can one say that they "fall out of love?" If love is lost that easily, then it was never love in the first place.
• True love always carries a cost. If you're not willing to pay the cost, you don't truly love.
• They say that "love is blind." I'd rather love with my eyes open, that way, I won't be surprised. 
• Have you managed to convince your spouse that you're the most romantic person on the face of the earth? If not, there's still time. Don't let Valentine's day end, without convincing them of that!
• If you can't see your spouse as a gift from God, than you're blind.
• To say that your spouse isn't a gift from God, is to say that God made a mistake. Are you sure you want to say that?