A Ready Hand

If we look at the story of man’s creating in Genesis one and two, we see a story that may seem a bit confusing. First of all, there seems to be two different accountings of God creating man, what appears briefly in chapter one and the more detailed account in chapter two. However, these are actually two different parts of the same story. In the first chapter, God created man’s spirit; and in the second chapter, he created man’s body, “breathing” the spirit he had created in chapter one, into the body he created in chapter two.

That’s not the only confusing thing about this story however. When God first created man, he was one. Then God divided man into two parts, making one male and the other female. Then (and this is the confusing part), He tells them to become one flesh again. If He wanted them to be one, why didn’t he leave them as one?

Okay, we know that God doesn’t make mistakes, so there has to be a purpose for this; and in fact, there is. The purpose is to multiply man’s ability. It says in Deuteronomy 32: 30, “How should one chase a thousand, and two put ten thousand to flight…” Look at that. There’s multiplication of ability when two work together.

One of the great benefits of marriage is our ability to multiply our ability by working together. There’s a word for this, it’s “synergy.” Dictionary.com defines synergy as “the interaction of elements that when combined produce a total effect that is greater than the sum of the individual elements.”

While there are many reasons for marriage, one root reason is the ability for us to accomplish more, when we work together. Each contributes their part, the part that they are uniquely created to do, and together we all receive more. That’s the way it’s supposed to work.

There’s just one little problem with this plan. It’s not God’s problem; nor is it a mistake that He made. The problem is that we tend to get in our own way; preventing ourselves from creating that synergy. Instead of helping each other along, each contributing our unique part to the relationship, we focus on what we can get from the other person. As long as we do that, we aren’t able to reach our full potential as a couple.

Every skill, ability and bit of knowledge you possess is something that your wife needs. It may not be obvious exactly how she needs it, but that doesn’t take anything away from the fact that she needs it. The trick is to figure out how those abilities can help her. Likewise, every skill, ability and bit of knowledge that she has is something you need; even when you don’t want it.

Ideally, we’d all understand this on an instinctive level and just flow with it. But, as I already mentioned, we get in our own way. More than anything, we get in our own way by our pride and our self-centeredness. As long as we let those two things rear their ugly heads up within us, we can’t be the people that God wants us to be.

Okay, so how do we start to break out of this problem? The first step is to make yourself available to help your wife, when she needs you and how she needs you. That may mean something as simple as taking out the trash or lifting a heavy box. It may mean sitting there and listening to her recount all the disasters of the day. It may mean just holding her when she needs a hug. It may mean solving a problem for her. It really doesn’t matter what it is; what matters is if you’re willing to be the person that she needs in her life.

Is this romantic? Well, maybe not in the traditional sense of the word. But, it’s romantic in the sense of drawing the two of you closer; making you more into one flesh. Isn’t that what romance is for? 

Making Your Strengths Available to Her

There’s an old saying about relationships, which says that opposites attract. While that often causes us frustration, it is actually a rather important part of making a couple work well together. Unfortunately, all too often, we let the frustration overcome the benefits, allowing those differences to pit us against one another, instead of using them to benefit one another.

I remember the very first couple who came to my wife and I for marriage counseling. She started off by saying, “every time the Lord shows me something from the Bible and I share it with my husband, he comes back with something totally different.” My response to that was, “What a blessing.” You see, while she was seeing it as disagreement between the two of them, I was seeing it as a way for them to receive more. If she learned one thing from the verse and he learned another; when they shared what they learned, they’d have twice as much.

That short discussion illustrates so well the way that we typically approach our differences. Instead of seeing those differences as strengths that we can use to help our spouse, we all tend to see them as points of contention. As long as we’re busy arguing about our differences, we’ll never gain anything from them.

It takes time and effort to learn to understand those differences and how they can be a help. My wife and I have catalogued a whole list of differences between us. But, instead of me getting frustrated with her, because she’s not as organized as I am, we have come to realize that when it comes time to organize something, I’m the one to do it. I don’t berate her lack of ability, I use my ability for her benefit.

One of the areas in which my wife is much stronger than I am is in research. When I get on the Internet, looking for some data about something, I get lost. Rarely can I find what I want. On the other hand, my wife can find anything on the Web. Not only that, but she enjoys spending hours doing so. Me? I’m bored after five minutes.

Each and every difference, characteristic and ability that we find in ourselves and each other exists for a purpose. When we learn how to use those, differences to the benefit of the couple, then we start to become strong. Then we begin to see a multiplication of our ability. Then we truly start to advance.

When you see that your wife isn’t as good as you are at something, don’t belittle her for it; see it as an area where you can help her. I don’t mean helping her by teaching her how to have your strength, but by using your strength for her benefit. If your wife needs to us the computer for her work, but isn’t all that good at it, help her. Develop aids which will make it easier for her. Find better ways for her. Even do some of the work for her, if that’s what it takes.

You see, marriage isn’t about what you can do as an individual; it’s about what you can do as a couple. If helping her do something makes you more successful as a couple, then it’s worth doing; in fact, it’s probably more worth doing than what you do to make yourself successful as an individual.

Let her benefit from your strengths. Don’t just expect her to be a help to you; become a help to her. Is that romantic? You bet it is. It’s romantic, because it helps you to function as one in your daily life. 

Put a Cap on the Grumbling

You know, if we’d watch our own reactions to things as closely as we watch our wife's reactions, we’d be amazed by what we saw. Really, many of our reactions are much different than what we think they are, specifically much more negative than we think they are. We notice it when our wives react negatively, but we ignore it or even justify it when we do.

Take, for example, our reaction when they ask us to do something. Now, we probably think nothing of it, but most of the time, when our wives ask us to do something, we grumble about it. That grumbling only gets louder when what they ask us to do something which will interrupt what we are already doing.

Actually, most of what they ask us to do really isn’t all that hard. Okay, okay, painting the house is a bit of a project, I’ll agree; but taking the garbage out isn’t. Yet, we grumble about taking out the garbage, as if we had to slay three dragons, run through a minefield and pay the orthodontist, just to get from the house and the curb. C’mon now, it’s really not all that bad.

Let’s take a look from her point of view for a change. How do you think your wife feels when she asks you to do something and you grumble about it? Do you think that makes her feel loved? How about important? Maybe it makes her feel like you’re committed to the marriage? Or, possibly she sees it as your way of saying “Yes dear?” No, you know it doesn’t come across as any of that.

With enough of that grumbling you can actually get your wife to stop asking you to do anything. How’s that for a deal? All you have to do is keep up the grumbling and she’ll leave you alone. Of course, she’ll probably stop doing some things that you want her to do as well; but hey, that’s not much of a price to pay, is it? Or, is it really too much of a price to pay?

Remember those pesky little vows we took at the wedding. Wasn’t there something in there about “better or worse?” Well, guess what, we may have just found a little piece of the worse. Actually, it’s not all that bad. If the worst thing you have to deal with in your life is taking out the garbage or teaching her how to copy a computer file for the umpteenth time is the worst thing that happens in your life, you’ve got it made.

The point is, when you married her, you committed to giving her all that you are, just as she committed to give you all that she is. “Giving all” also means being available to her when she needs you, no matter what it is. Without grumbling. 

Be Quick to Lend a Hand

We all work hard and deserve a chance to rest when we get home; or, at least, that’s what we think. But, you know, our wives work just as hard as we do, and when they come home from work, they have to fix dinner, clean the house and do the laundry. Seems like the old saying about a woman’s work never being done is even more true today than it was when they came up with that line.

Our wives need a break just as much as we do. In fact, if we want them to have energy for us, we’d better make sure that they get a break, or by the end of the evening, all they can do is collapse.

How many times have you just sat there and watched your wife struggle with something that would be easy for you to do? It doesn’t matter if it’s a problem on the computer, carrying in the groceries or changing the air conditioning filter, we need to be aware of the struggles that our wives go through. Even more so, we need to do something about those struggles.

Let me give you a simple example. My wife gives classes in English as a Second Language. Some of those classes are given here in our home, while others are given in other locations. When she comes home from one of those classes, she’s got a mountain of stuff to bring in from the car. Now, I could easily say to myself, “I’m busy with my work. That’s her work; I’ll let her do it.” I could even justify that in my mind as being ok, since I wasn’t doing anything against her; but rather, just doing my work.

Okay, so I don’t help her. Well, after being on her feet for five hours, my wife is tired. The last thing she wants to do is to carry a bunch of stuff into the house. At the same time, leaving a computer and video projector in the car might be a good way to get it stolen.

So, by stopping my work for five minutes to go help my wife, I make things easier for her. Hey, we’re supposed to be the strong ones, let’s be strong. That box which is nothing for us to pick up can be really heavy to her. Taking those five minutes out from my work to help her out is a worthwhile investment in our relationship. She knows I’m doing it for her and she knows I care.

Of course, we can get out of such things really easy by just getting there a moment too late. But hey, you don’t get any points for good intentions, just for good actions.

Did you realize that something that simple is romantic? Women think it’s highly romantic for their husbands to help them. If she’s tired after dinner, you clear the table and wash the dishes. Once she’s over the shock, she’ll be thinking “what a great husband I have.” Or, she’s vacuuming the living room and trying to get the nozzle under the sofa; pick it up for her. Or, she’s trying to plant a rose bush by the front door using a little garden spade. Grab the shovel and dig her a real hole for it. These things are so simple for us to do, but hard for them.

The trick here is being aware of what she’s doing and what you can do to make it easier. That requires being constantly aware of what your wife is doing. My wife and I both work out of our home. So, I make it a habit to get up from my desk every once in a while, to see what she is doing. That way, I can keep in contact with her throughout the day, but I can also see when she needs my help.

The struggle for most of us is that we don’t want our activities interrupted to help them with theirs. It doesn’t matter if we’re doing work, watching the game or shooting some hoops, we don’t like to be interrupted. But, you know, ultimately it’s worth it.

The Day After Valentine’s Day

Well, how did you do? Was Valentine’s Day a success for you? Did your wife really, truly understand that you love her? If so, congratulations! If not, you need to ask yourself why not.

I took the day to do a number of things for my wife, each of them with the idea of letting her know that I loved her. I didn’t buy her a big, fancy, expensive gift; rather, I expressed my love to her in a variety of ways, mostly on paper. It took time and effort, but by the end, I had showed her my love in enough ways that she knew I meant it.

The other thing I did yesterday was to post a bunch of Murphy-isms about love on Facebook. What are Murphy-isms? They are my personal sayings and proverbs. Since my mind was on love yesterday (which made it a little hard to work) I decided to encourage others to show true love to their spouses. So, for those of you who aren’t my friends on Facebook, I thought I’d reproduce them here.

• If you've had war in your home, today is a good day to make peace. Not an armistice, which means you're both still armed camps, watching each other. Not a surrender or capitulation either, meaning that you give up and the other can have their way. No, what you need is a mutual defense treaty, which means that you are by each other's side against all opposition.
• Here's a Valentine's day challenge for you: See how many different ways you can come up with today to tell your spouse that you love them.
• True love is never about the least you can do to show them you love them; it's always about trying to do the most you can to show them you love them.
• Love is patient, kind, not envious, not boastful, not prideful. It isn't rude, not self-seeking, not easily angered, nor does it keep a record of wrongs. Love is never happy to see evil, but loves truth. It always, protects, always trust, always hopes, always perseveres. - Are you lacking any of those signs of love? Then now is the time to repent.
• They say "If you love someone, let them go..." as a test of whether or not they're yours. I say, if you don't know they're yours, you don't know them.
• If you are concerned, thinking that your spouse doesn't love you enough, what are you doing wrong?
• How can one say that they "fall out of love?" If love is lost that easily, then it was never love in the first place.
• True love always carries a cost. If you're not willing to pay the cost, you don't truly love.
• They say that "love is blind." I'd rather love with my eyes open, that way, I won't be surprised. 
• Have you managed to convince your spouse that you're the most romantic person on the face of the earth? If not, there's still time. Don't let Valentine's day end, without convincing them of that!
• If you can't see your spouse as a gift from God, than you're blind.
• To say that your spouse isn't a gift from God, is to say that God made a mistake. Are you sure you want to say that?

A Soothing Word

You know, we all have a bad day now and then. Things go wrong; we get up on the wrong side of the bed; we have a bad hair day; whatever. Regardless of the cause, bad days happen and when they do, it generally clouds our disposition.

Of course, when it happens to us, we expect the world to understand and tread lightly around us. But, do we do the same for others? More specifically, do we do the same for our wives? When they have a bad day, are we considerate of them or do we see it as an infringement on our lives?

I remember hearing years ago that the woman sets the emotional atmosphere of the home. Oh how true that is. I remember days where I came home from the office and as I walked in the door I could tell my wife’s mood, without seeing or hearing her or the kids. Why? Because her bad mood had created a negative atmosphere in the home.

We need to be sensitive to those days, recognizing them for what they are and being ready to help our wives overcome their bad mood. That’s not necessarily the same as solving her problem. Solving the problem may not help her mood. Nor will helping her mood necessarily solve the problem. In a sense, there are two separate, but interconnected problems, whatever put her in a bad mood and her bad mood.

I guarantee you that if you walk in the door and find your wife upset because the washing machine broke down, telling her to call a repairman isn’t going to help her mood one bit. You could even call him yourself or fix it yourself, without helping her mood one bit. Yes, the washing machine needs to be fixed, but that’s not what’s bothering her. The emotional problem which the washing machine caused is the big problem; that needs to be dealt with in a totally different manner.

Remember that you always need to treat her emotions as something important. Whether or not the thing that made her upset is important to you is immaterial; what is important is that she’s bothered by it.

So, how do you help her in this situation? Like I said, don’t start by giving her a solution to her problem; instead, give her a soft word. Change the focus of the situation by talking about something else. Tell her you love her. Pray for her. Give her a big hug and a kiss. Remind her of something funny that happened (that she thinks is funny). Talk about something positive. More than anything, it’s your words that are going to help her overcome those negative feelings; so pick them with care. Let your words be words to build her up and soothe her; taking her mind off her problem and helping her feel secure and loved.

No matter what you do, don’t focus on the problem; at least, not until you help her. Granted, if the house if flooding, you might need to deal with that first, I’m not talking about those major crises’; I’m talking about the small to medium sized things. Don’t discount her emotions, either. They are hers, and if you invalidate them, you’re telling her that she’s invalid as well.

The other thing you never want to do is internalize her words. There’s a pretty good possibility that she’s going to end up lashing out at you verbally. Don’t sweat it; she really doesn’t mean it; she’s just expressing her frustration. If you allow yourself to accept those words, they will hurt, and instead of helping your wife, you’ll end up fighting with her. That’s not going to help anyone.

Remember, a soothing word, that’s what she needs. As King Solomon once said, “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger” (Pro 15:1).