Those Little Irritations – Part 2

Yesterday, I talked about giving grace to your wife and overlooking the things that she does which irritate you. I’m sure that in the ensuing 24 hours you have become an expert on that and don’t need for me to elaborate further. But, what about the flip side of the coin? Are you doing things which irritate her?

Yeah, I know, she should overlook those, just like you should overlook hers. Actually, you’ve probably been saying that to yourself for years. After all, you’re the man of the house, why should you have to submit to her desires?

Hold on a minute, this isn’t about submission, nor is it about bowing to her desires; it’s about maintaining peace and tranquility in the home, so that there is an atmosphere in which romance can blossom. If you’ve got the wrong attitude, it doesn’t matter what romantic acts you do, they’re not going to be perceived as romantic.

As I said yesterday, all of us do things which are irritating to our mates. Our wives do it to us and we do it to them as well. Actually, if we were to do a poll, I’d say that men do more things to irritate their wives than wives do to irritate their husbands. Maybe that’s because women are more relationally oriented. So, they have a more accurate image of the man they want us to be.

Anyway, what are those things which you do, that irritate your wife? Whatever they are, they’re probably pretty small. Nevertheless, they are causing friction in your relationship, so they are a problem.

Let me ask you this, how important are those things to you? Would it be a real problem to change them? How about this one, how important are they, when you compare them to your marriage? If they don’t stack up as being all that important, then why are you continuing to do them?

Okay, I know, that one hurt. But, let’s be real. The reality is that many of the things we hold onto aren’t all that important, once we see them in the light of an honest comparison to something that’s really important to us. We inflate those things, making them bigger in our eyes than they really are; then we wonder why they end up being a bone of contention between us and our wives. That’s not real smart.

When I got married, I had to make a number of changes in my life. I changed everything from what time of day I took a shower, to getting rid of my motorcycle. Now, I really liked that motorcycle; it was a Honda Gold Wing. But, you know something? I loved my wife even more; and since she was afraid to get on it, there wasn’t a whole lot of reason for me to keep it. So, I decided to let it go. It was more important to me to have my wife riding with me, than what ride I was riding.

Most of the things which we do, which irritate our wives, aren’t anywhere near as big as that. They’re little things, more on the order of throwing our dirty clothes on the floor, instead of putting them in the hamper. Now, I know you and I are both old enough to pick up your own dirty clothes, so what do we have trouble doing it?

Remember, your wife isn’t your servant, or your slave. You want her to be your lover more than anything else. Well, how can she feel like a lover, when you treat her like a servant?

You see, the changes I’ve made were to make our life together better. That was enough reason, in and of itself, to motivate me to make those changes. I didn’t need my wife to cajole me or nag me. All I needed was to see that it was something that bothered her. That was enough. I want to make my wife happy, not miserable.

So, what are you doing that irritates your wife? Is there a bad habit that you need to break? Are you doing something that treats her like a servant, rather than a lover? Is there something that you do, which puts her and your relationship with her on the back burner? If your answer to any of those is “yes” I think you know what you need to do.

Those Little Irritations

Having just come back from vacation, I was reminded of how useful it can be to be nearly blind. Of course, I’m not talking about being physically blind, because there is nothing useful about that. I am amazed by blind people who can still do things and wouldn’t want to join their ranks for anything.

No, what I’m talking about is being blind to things that are better off not seen. In the book “Shogun” there is a statement made by an older woman, where she says something to the effect that she’s glad that she can’t see well, because she’d rather not see many of the things that are going on around her. Although she was referring to her physical loss of sight in the first part of that statement, in the second part, she was talking about sight in the metaphorical sense.

There’s some great wisdom in that. Often, there are things that we’re better off not seeing. A person who is physically blind can overlook many things, because they can’t see them. On the other hand, those of us who are sighted tend to focus on things that are best ignored.

Let’s be real here. It’s impossible to live with others, without finding things about them that irritate us. It doesn’t matter if we’re talking about kids, co-workers, neighbors or spouses; they all have something irritating about them. You know something? We do too.

Why is it that we spend so much time and energy focusing on those unimportant little irritants in our spouses? Wouldn’t we all be much better off if we learned how to overlook them? Why focus on the way that she does things differently than your mother did them, if what she is doing works for her? Isn’t that ultimately the proof of the pudding, that it works?

Any marriage counselor can tell you that when a couple comes in for help on their marriage, the things that they complain about first aren’t the real issues; they’re the minor irritations. They’ll talk about how he throws his dirty clothes on the floor and how she leaves her lingerie hanging in the shower. Other major issues, such as how a toothpaste tube should be squeezed and which way the toilet paper roll should go on the holder are also popular complaints.

I just have one thing to say about all that… so what? Are those things really all that important? Are they worth fussing over? Are they worth even paying attention to? NO!

In my office, my son is in the habit of leaving the chair for the computer he uses sticking out in the aisle when he leaves. That means that I have to push that chair in, so that I can get to my desk. Now, if I was into majoring on the minors, I could very easily get irritated about that. I could even work myself up into being angry over it. After all, it costs me a whole two seconds to move that chair and I have to do it two or three times a day. If he cared about my time, he’d be more considerate and not leave that chair in my way!

Sound ridiculous? It is. Yet, that’s how ridiculous we all sound when we make a big deal over the little things that our wives and other family members do. So what? Let it go. Quit using a magnifying glass to look at your wife, so that you can find her flaws. Focus on the good, not the bad.

A great word here is the word “overlook.” It expresses the idea of looking over something, so that you can see another. That’s what we need to learn how to do. We need to learn how to look over the minor things our wives do, so that we can see the great people that they are. What a great way to do things. That helps us to keep a positive attitude towards them, maintaining our love, instead of building our anger and hatred.

Love cannot continue to exist without grace. When we first met our wives, we extended them lots of grace. Everything that was wrong with them and everything that they did wrong was overlooked. We need to go back to that. Why bother being upset about things that don’t really matter. Appreciate the wonderful woman that she is, and love her for it.

Quit Fussing About the Little Stuff

You know, you can be the most romantic guy in the world, and destroy every romantic act you do in about 10 seconds. Yep, that’s right. All it takes is a momentary lapse, in which you forget to act like a spiritual man and start acting like a fleshly one. That’s it, in that 10 second lapse, all the ugliness of a selfish, childish, carnal man can destroy a lifetime of being a loving husband.

You might think I’m talking about abusive husbands, so what I’m saying really doesn’t apply to you. To that I say “HA!” I’ve come to the conclusion that most marital abuse isn’t physical abuse, but emotional abuse. Emotional abuse always stems out of immaturity and selfishness.

What I’m talking about here are those moments we all tend to have, when we allow our emotions to overcome our reason, and the dark side of our character shows through. Now, don’t try and tell me you don’t have a dark side to your character, we’ve all got one. You may have it well hidden, and you should, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t there; it just means that you try and keep it locked up.

Mankind in general is a selfish, greedy, uncaring race. If you don’t believe me, just look at a baby sometime. Have you ever seen anything more self-centered than a baby? They are all convinced that the world revolves around them. Mommy, daddy and everyone else just exist to serve them. All they have to do is cry, and the whole world jumps to do their bidding. Sounds kind of self-centered to me.

Granted, they’re babies and they can’t do much more than cry. Okay, I understand that; I’m really not here to get down on babies. However, I am here to get down on the 40 year-old babies. You know what I mean, those of us who are supposed to be adults, but can act as childish, self-centered and spoiled as a baby. Those who think that whatever they want, their wife should jump. Those who think that their wife exists to serve them. Those that think they can blow up whenever they want, and their wife has to forgive them.

It’s amazing how quickly we can all blow up over the littlest things, if we let our guard down. Yeah, I said littlest things. That thing which you think is worth blowing up about, is probably just as little as the thing that you see others blow up about.

Let me ask you something; where do you plan on being in 100 years? I hope your answer to that is that you expect to be in heaven. If that’s so, then let me ask you another question; will that thing that you’re getting upset about today, be important in 100 years? If not, why are you getting upset about it?

We’ve got to learn how to get things into perspective. We’re supposed to have our eyes fixed on the things above, not the things below. If that’s the case, then the things below really aren’t all that important. So, why do we get so upset about them? Because we want things our way, that’s why. In other words, we’re being self-centered. Ouch!

Here’s the rub. Every time we blow up about some insignificant thing that isn’t going to matter in 100 years, we negate everything that we’ve been doing to be romantic towards our wives. In other words, all those points you’ve been building up, by being romantic, are all blown away by one little blowup.

Putting it that way, it seems to me that those blowups are pretty darn expensive. At that price, it seems like it would be better to save them for things that are worthwhile, not the little stuff. That way, at least we lose those points over something that really matters.

Don't Take it Out on Her

All of us are overtaken by bad days once in a while. Let’s face it, life has problems. As long as we’re living on the earth, we’re going to be faced with things which try and ruin our day. We’re going to have to put up with annoying co-workers, demanding bosses, difficult customers and cars which break down at the wrong time. It’s just part of life.

While we can’t control the things that happen to us and around us, we can control how we react to them. If I were to throw a bucket of cold water over you, you might yell back at me, “You’ve made me wet and you’ve made me mad.” But, that wouldn’t be true. All I did was to make you wet; you decided to get mad all on your own. You could have chosen to laugh at it instead.

Most people think that they don’t have any control over their anger or depression, but in fact we do. We can choose not to be angry, offended or depressed; we don’t have to let those things control us. Don’t try and tell me that you’ve never held it inside when your boss or co-worker did something that made you want to yell at them. How could you keep from yelling at them, if you don’t have any control over yourself?

The reality is that we keep ourselves from reacting, when we think that the cost of the reaction will be too high. Yelling at the boss might carry the price tag of ending up on unemployment, so we try and avoid that one. Instead of yelling at those people, we take it home and yell at our families.

Throughout history, wives have had to put up with husbands who took out their problems on them. That’s really not fair, but that hasn’t stopped it from happening. Men who can’t blow up at work, instead wait till they get home and blow up at their wives. Why in the world would anyone ever choose to do that?

Actually, we don’t really choose to blow up at our wives instead of our bosses. What we do is choose not to blow up at our bosses. Then, when we get home, we feel safe. So, what we had bottled up inside all day ends up coming out at those who are closest to us. Something they do irritates us, and instead of reacting rationally and reacting at an appropriate level for the problem, we react irrationally, allowing all the pain and frustration we had bottled up inside to come out at our wives.

This is fundamentally destructive to the marriage relationship. Many women get to a point where they are afraid to talk to their husbands, because of the way that their husband is going to react. Communication begins to break down and the couple grows farther apart.

Okay, so how do we fix the problem? First of all, you need to be honest with yourself and decide whether or not you’ve done this. Then, if you have, go to your wife, repent and ask her forgiveness. Let her know that you’re aware of what you’ve done and that you’re going to work on changing that in the future.

The easiest way to prevent yourself from repeating that poor performance is to find a way of getting rid of the negative attitude, without dumping it on your wife. There are a number of ways in which you can do this, such as:

• Forgive the person – you’d be amazed what the simple act of saying “I forgive them” can do
• Spend time in prayer – the more you pray, the less things can bother you
• Spend time in worship – the presence of the Lord is a great cleanser for the heart
• Physical activity – while not a very spiritual option, many men find that exercise helps them release the tension

Often, the best thing we can do, until we can deal with the frustration and anger is to keep our mouths shut. That way, we don’t dump on anyone. Then, if you need to get alone, away from your wife and kids, so that you can get rid of the negative feelings, do so. Just let them know that you need some time alone.

Don’t use this as an excuse to ignore your family. You should be able to deal with your problem within a half hour. If it takes longer than that, you’re probably rehearsing the offense in your mind, rather than trying to get rid of it.

Once you’ve gotten rid of the tension and problem and straightened out your attitude, then you’re ready to deal with your family in the way that they deserve. This will protect your marriage, keep your wife from feeling unloved and keep you from destroying any “points” you’ve gained with your wife for being romantic.

Quit Telling Her So

It seems that one of the most satisfying things in life is when we get to tell someone “I told you so.” It’s as if those four words hold the power to vindicate us and show the world (or at least the person we’re talking to) that our opinion was valid and we were right all the time.

When that opportunity to tell someone that we were right and they were wrong comes along, there are few who can resist the temptation to let it be known, declaring it out loud. It’s almost like we’re conditioned to say that, like a chicken who let’s everyone know that she’s just laid an egg. What pride! What satisfaction! What are we thinking?

C’mon now, is it really all that important to be able to say “I was right and you were wrong”? Where’s grace in that? For that matter, where’s love in it? Is it that our self-esteem is so small that we need to put others down, in order to build ourselves up? Even so, is that any way to treat a wife? Even more, is it any way to treat your wife?

Let me put it another way; how do you feel when she says that to you? Do you feel like she’s building you up? Do you feel loved? Or, do you feel like she’s putting you down? Well, guess what? She doesn’t feel loved and built up when you say it, than you feel when she says it.

So, if that’s the case, wouldn’t saying “I told you so” be anti-romantic? Hmm, think about that a moment. If we’re trying to be romantic towards our wives, so that they feel more loved and even more loving, then doesn’t it make sense to get rid of the anti-romantic things we do as well?

There’s another form of this same phrase, which we probably use even more than the one I’ve mentioned above. That’s to say “I’ve told you before” or “I’ve told you a thousand times” or some such. We tend to get irritated at our wives, when they don’t do things we’ve told them or don’t do them in the way we’ve told them. Since we feel vindicated for our irritation, we think nothing of telling her that she hasn’t been listening.

Okay, so what? Why do we have to make a big deal out of it when our wives don’t catch what we say, even if it does mean that they do things the wrong way? I mean really, what is gained by that anger? Wouldn’t it be better to just treat it as if it were the first time, and instruct her as if it were the first time?

Let’s take something simple, like not hanging the car keys on their hook. Every time your wife has to leave, she ends up searching for them again. That probably means that you end up helping her search for them, especially when she’s running late or in a hurry. So, what good does it do to get irritated, annoyed, made or even exasperated? Does that make you feel any more love and compassion towards here? Does it make you express love better? Does it even make you feel more loved? What? You’re saying no to all those questions? Then why bother wasting the energy getting mad?

It’s much easier to just face the fact of having to search for your wife’s keys as part of your life. Quit wasting time and energy on getting annoyed; just help her. Maybe you could buy her one those key rings that answers when you whistle or one that’s really big, so that it’s easier to see.

The point here is watching how you react to those things. All too often, we allow them to become points of irritation and strife, turning molehills into mountains, instead of treating them like what they are, just the little problems of life.

Learn to keep the little things little; it’ll make loving your wife all that much easier.

A Soothing Word

You know, we all have a bad day now and then. Things go wrong; we get up on the wrong side of the bed; we have a bad hair day; whatever. Regardless of the cause, bad days happen and when they do, it generally clouds our disposition.

Of course, when it happens to us, we expect the world to understand and tread lightly around us. But, do we do the same for others? More specifically, do we do the same for our wives? When they have a bad day, are we considerate of them or do we see it as an infringement on our lives?

I remember hearing years ago that the woman sets the emotional atmosphere of the home. Oh how true that is. I remember days where I came home from the office and as I walked in the door I could tell my wife’s mood, without seeing or hearing her or the kids. Why? Because her bad mood had created a negative atmosphere in the home.

We need to be sensitive to those days, recognizing them for what they are and being ready to help our wives overcome their bad mood. That’s not necessarily the same as solving her problem. Solving the problem may not help her mood. Nor will helping her mood necessarily solve the problem. In a sense, there are two separate, but interconnected problems, whatever put her in a bad mood and her bad mood.

I guarantee you that if you walk in the door and find your wife upset because the washing machine broke down, telling her to call a repairman isn’t going to help her mood one bit. You could even call him yourself or fix it yourself, without helping her mood one bit. Yes, the washing machine needs to be fixed, but that’s not what’s bothering her. The emotional problem which the washing machine caused is the big problem; that needs to be dealt with in a totally different manner.

Remember that you always need to treat her emotions as something important. Whether or not the thing that made her upset is important to you is immaterial; what is important is that she’s bothered by it.

So, how do you help her in this situation? Like I said, don’t start by giving her a solution to her problem; instead, give her a soft word. Change the focus of the situation by talking about something else. Tell her you love her. Pray for her. Give her a big hug and a kiss. Remind her of something funny that happened (that she thinks is funny). Talk about something positive. More than anything, it’s your words that are going to help her overcome those negative feelings; so pick them with care. Let your words be words to build her up and soothe her; taking her mind off her problem and helping her feel secure and loved.

No matter what you do, don’t focus on the problem; at least, not until you help her. Granted, if the house if flooding, you might need to deal with that first, I’m not talking about those major crises’; I’m talking about the small to medium sized things. Don’t discount her emotions, either. They are hers, and if you invalidate them, you’re telling her that she’s invalid as well.

The other thing you never want to do is internalize her words. There’s a pretty good possibility that she’s going to end up lashing out at you verbally. Don’t sweat it; she really doesn’t mean it; she’s just expressing her frustration. If you allow yourself to accept those words, they will hurt, and instead of helping your wife, you’ll end up fighting with her. That’s not going to help anyone.

Remember, a soothing word, that’s what she needs. As King Solomon once said, “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger” (Pro 15:1).