Patience Man, Patience

I never knew it, but women are incredible sports fans. That’s right, every woman, around the world, has her favorite sport, which she practices every chance she get. I find it amazing how devoted they can be to their sport, especially since I’ve always thought that women hate sports. Of course, that’s because I was thinking of more conventional sports, you know, the kind that we guys like.

No, women don’t like the same sports we do; that’s why we don’t often see their love affair with their sport as meaning anything. I say sport intentionally, because there’s really only one sport that women love, not an assortment of them, like men.

So, I suppose you want to know what sport I’m talking about… it’s shopping. Yep, shopping is the woman’s sport. Every women I’ve ever met plays that sport; some better than others; but they all play. Although I’ve never seen a shopping pool in an office, instead of a football pool, that doesn’t make it any less a sport. Nor does the fact that the Sports section in the paper ignores their sport; after all, that’s written by men. For that matter, the fact that there are no professional shopping teams doesn’t limit it as a sport, because every woman considers herself a pro-shopper.

Of course, the epitome of the women’s sport is clothes shopping. Have you ever noticed how department stores put the women’s clothing section, which is huge, right in the front of the store? By comparison, the men’s clothing section is tiny and usually hidden in the back corner. You see, those stores recognize women’s sport and are all supporters of it.

Okay, now comes the hard part. Since we’re all looking for ways to spend time with our wives (at least I hope we are), here’s a great way (in her mind) for us to do so. That’s to go shopping with them. Yes, I’m serious; I’m also glad that I’m doing this through the Internet, so that nobody can throw rocks at me.

As much as we all hate shopping, the Bible tells us to “Love our wives as Christ loved the church and laid down his life for her.” I know of no way that a man can lay down his life any more effectively than to go shopping with his wife. Yes, it’s hard, but that’s how it qualifies as laying down your life.

Now, if you are actually brave enough or foolish enough to try this, let me give you a few hints to make the process a little less painful.

• Take a good book to read. That way, you’ve got something to do, while you’re wasting… err, investing all that time in your marriage.
• Make good use of Starbucks, the Food Court, Annie’s Pretzels, Baskin & Robins and other cultural attractions. Believe it, or not, she even enjoys those half-time breaks from shopping.
• Wear comfortable shoes. Women are the only one who think that uncomfortable shoes are a fashion statement. Hey, you’re going to be spending hours on your feet, you may as well be comfortable.
• Speaking of hours on your feet, most stores don’t put chairs for husbands. Personally, I think this is prejudiced against men, but that’s the way it is. So, if you are going to need to sit down, and don’t want to sit on the floor, you might want to consider bringing along a folding camp stool.
• Find things for her to try on, that you’d like to see her in. Hey, part of shopping is playing “dress up,” so you may as well help her along. Who knows, you might actually find something that you both like.
• Be prepared to carry. I think this is the biggest reason why women like their husbands going shopping with them. That way, they don’t have to carry all that stuff. After all, why should they, when there’s a man to do it?
• Sneak out to the sporting goods or hardware department. This trick doesn’t always work, but if you’re in a department store that has a “man department” you can get a break by telling your wife that there’s something you want to look at. She doesn’t have to know that it’s a new fishing pole.
• Whatever you do, don’t schedule something else afterwards. If you are planning on going shopping for three hours with your wife, then watching the game afterwards, forget it. Women can’t tell time when they are involved in their sport.

It would probably be best for your blood pressure if you don’t pay any attention to how much she is spending. Actually, most women go shopping without spending a whole lot of money. Their enjoyment doesn’t come from spending, but from the looking and trying on. So, don’t let the money get to you. If you do, you’ll ruin the whole thing. A moment’s explosive outburst can make a whole day of sacrifice go up in smoke.

Finally, always remember that to be a successful cheerleader for the women’s sport, you need lots of patience. This is a very time-consuming sport; one in which the true pros carefully examine every option, before putting off making a decision. The goal really isn’t about spending money, but rather about spending time involved in the sport. So, you may as well relax and do what you can to enjoy it.

On the positive side, your wife will think that you’ve spent lots of quality time together, while you’ve mostly ignored what she’s doing. Don’t totally ignore it though. To gain romance points, you need to make the occasional comment, preferably positive ones. “When are we going to leave?” doesn’t qualify as a positive comment. Nor does, “That makes you look like a cow.” This is a good time to engage the brain, before the mouth.

Take the time to go shopping with your wife, and maybe she’ll be more willing to take the time to do something that you want to do. 

Not for the Faint of Heart

Okay, I’m warning you. Before you read this one, make sure you’re ready. This isn’t for the faint of heart, but just for those who are truly ready to do whatever it takes to be romantic. Remember the verse that says, “Greater love hath no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” Well, this is going to be a real-world application of that verse.

Are you a sports fan? Do you enjoy watching the game, maybe shooting some hoops, a little touch football with your buds? Have you ever heard of the women’s favorite sport? Yep, you bet, they have one too. Only, it’s a bit different than our idea of sports. I guess that makes sense, since they’re women.

Well, let me introduce you to their favorite sport. Are you ready? It’s called… shopping. Yep, that’s their idea of sports. Granted, there might be one or two women in the world who don’t like to go shopping, but that’s it. Women are genetically pre-disposed to shopping. Yep, they’ve got the shopping gene, something that us guys don’t have. It must be stuck on the X chromosome that we don’t have.

If you really want to get specific about that shopping chromosome, it’s not just about shopping, although that is great in and of itself, but about clothes shopping. If there’s anything that would be considered the peak of sensual enjoyment for a woman, it’s an entire day of clothes shopping.

Now, this term “shopping” requires some definition, because women and men don’t define that word the same. For a man, going shopping means going to the store, finding what you need and getting out the door as fast as we possibly can. We’re all shooting for the world’s record in who can have the shortest shopping trip.

When my wife was teaching full-time, I ended up doing the grocery shopping on a regular basis. I had it down to a system, I’ll tell you. I had my shopping list pre-printed, with all the standard stuff we used in the house, organized by categories to make it easier to find. Before I left the house, I’d check that list, to be sure I knew exactly what we needed. Then, when I hit the front of the store, I had a specific pattern I’d take through the aisles, to maximize my shopping efficiency and not waste a single step. I could go from in the door to out the door in 30 minutes flat, with enough groceries organized by categories in my reusable shopping bags to feed my family for a week.

Once, I needed to go grocery shopping with my wife and our office assistant in tow. When we walked out the door in under thirty minutes, they were shell shocked. They couldn’t believe I’d actually done it. The office assistant kept babbling something about never being in a store for so short a time.

Okay, that’s male shopping; but, I’ve got to tell you, female shopping has absolutely nothing in common. You see, guys are hunters, while women are gatherers. To them, it’s not about the goal of buying something, that’s a side issue. Nor is it about the idea of getting done. No, what they’re after is the experience of shopping. Yep, that’s right, they enjoy just looking, touching, trying on and sorting through all that stuff.

I realize that sounds unbelievable, but it’s true. A woman can enjoy herself shopping, even without spending one single dime. It doesn’t matter if they find what they’re looking for or not, just that they got to go shopping. Even better, that they got to go shopping with a friend; sharing the experience.

Okay, so what does that have to do with you? Simple, you’re supposed to be your wife’s best friend. So, what do best friends do together? If they’re estrogen driven, they go shopping; even if they’re stressed out. In fact, I’d have to say especially if they’re stressed out. It’s called “shopping therapy,” which is even better for them than “beauty parlor therapy.”

So, your mission, if you should decide to accept it, is to go shopping with your wife. I don’t mean going to buy the groceries, I mean going clothes shopping. Yep, go help her enjoy picking through all the clothes, trying things on and just plain enjoying the experience of it.

Now, I know this may not sound like fun to you, so let me give you a few survival tips. First of all, bring something to do, like a good book or your iPad. You’re going to get bored, so you’d better be prepared. Secondly, be sure to bring a tall cold drink with you. You’re going to need it, as you cross that desert of women’s clothes. Third, be sure to wear comfortable shoes; you’ve never walked so far in your life.

The last preparatory activity is the most important. Go through her closet. Check sizes, colors and styles, so you have an idea what she might be interested in. You’ll want to at least look like you know something about clothes.

You need to do a little more than sit in some corner with your book and drink though. You do need to spend at least some of the time looking at stuff with her. Actually, if you really want to gain some brownie points, take a quick turn around the store and find something for her to try on, preferably something that you think she’d look good in. That’ll really make you part of the team.

Here’s the other important part, make sure that you sit where you can see her come out of the dressing room, when she’s trying all that stuff on. That way, you can make comments on it. Just try and keep your comments as upbeat as possible; but don’t lie. Don’t tell her that something looks great on her, if it doesn’t. Just suggest that she try something else.

Remember, it’s not about getting in and out as fast as possible. Don’t plan on getting out quick, plan on spending lots of time there with her. Let her drag it out and enjoy it. That’s why you brought a good book with you.

So, are you up to the challenge? Can you hack it? She’ll love it if you do.

Is There Something She Runs Out Of?

I think most of us guys tend to prefer leaving the shopping to our wives. I mean, they seem to have that shopping gene and we don’t; so, why bother suffering through going to the store, when we can leave that in their quite capable hands. Not only do we avoid the suffering, but they get to enjoy themselves. Sounds like a win-win situation to me.

Of course, there are some things that we’ve got to shop for on our own. I don’t really trust my wife to go to the hardware store, without some really explicit instructions. Maybe your wife understands that stuff, but my wife sure doesn’t. So, I don’t usually send her to the hardware store, or the office supply store for that matter. There are some things which I have to shop for myself, much as I don’t want to.

I’ve actually found another category where it makes sense for me to do the shopping; that is to shop for things she has a tendency to run out of. Little things, like safety pins and band-aids. My wife notices she’s out of them when she needs one. I notice when I see the box almost empty.

Let’ me give you an example. When I feed the dog in the morning, I automatically look to see how much dog food there is, and think “Okay, there’s enough to last another 10 days or so.” My wife doesn’t do that; she looks at it and sees, “Okay, there’s dog food.” That happens because generally speaking (which means that I’m going to be generally wrong), man are more long-term planners than women are. So, I’m doing that all day long, with everything I use, without really thinking about it.

There’s three ways I can deal with those things when I see them. The first one, which we guys are really good at, is to ignore it. “After all,” I can say to myself, “she’s the one who does the shopping.” That’s all it takes to assuage any guilt I might feel. While that’s the easy out, it’s not the responsible answer. My second option is to put it on the shopping list. At least that way I’m doing something to contribute to the benefit of the family. Or, the third option is that I can buy it myself.

I know, I know, that almost sounds like heresy. Why in the world would I buy it myself, when I know that my wife is going to the store anyway? Well, here’s where shopping can get romantic. Granted, buying flowers and candy for your wife is romantic, but here’s another way. When I see that my wife is about out of something, I make a note to buy it. That way, when she runs out of it, I have a reserve supply for her.

However, I don’t buy it and just put it in the cabinet; I buy it and keep it. That way, when she needs it, I can produce it for her. Okay, so I’m trying to get some kudos here, so what? The point isn’t just buying it; the point is that she knows that I’m taking care of her. Granted, it’s something small. But, when she needs it, it’s not that small to her.

Now, I don’t do this with everything, nor can I come anywhere near claiming to do it all the time. What I do is make a note of it on my tablet, so that when I’m in the store, I can check to see if there’s anything extra I should pick up. There are many times where she buys it before I go to the store. There are other times where I totally forget about it. But, when I can remember to do it, I do. It’s just another little way of showing my wife that I care about her.