How do You Talk About Her in Public?

Have you ever been with a group of guys, maybe on a break at work, and one of them starts complaining about their wife? What happens? More often than not, everyone else chimes in, starting to complain about their wives as well. What starts out as one guy venting his frustration over some problem he is currently experiencing, quickly turns into a wife-bashing session, where each one is trying to top the other.

Women do this too. In fact, I’d have to say that women do it much more than men. However, that doesn’t give us the right to do it. I’d have to say that nobody has the right to speak bad about their spouse in public.

Remember, she is a gift from God. When you start talking bad about her, you’re saying that God gave you junk. But God doesn’t give anyone junk. Every gift that God gives is wonderful, even when it may not seem like it is. Often, the beauty of a gift is temporarily marred in our sight, be a momentary flaw. That doesn’t mean that the gift is flawed, but rather that our image of that gift is.

You and I should only speak positively about our wives. In fact, when those other guys are wife-bashing, we should try and make them jealous; not in an overdone way, just a nice subtle one. While they are complaining and saying bad things about their wives, we should counter with good things about ours.

That may be a little tricky at times; especially when they ask a direct question about something that you may consider an issue in your marriage. That doesn’t mean you can’t turn it positive though. If the things that they are asking about is something that you think is a negative, then respond with something else; something that overshadows that negative thing in your mind. That way, not only will your words be positive, but your tone will be so too.

Okay, so why am I telling you to do this? There are two reasons. Number one, we should always be thankful about what God does for us. Since she is a gift from God, we should be thankful for that gift. Maybe at the moment you are struggling to be thankful, but the more you work at being thankful, the more thankful you will find yourself becoming.

The second reason is that what you say in public is going to affect what you think in private. As long as you are talking bad about your wife, you’re going to be thinking bad about your wife. That will end up making you speak even worse about her. It’s a vicious cycle.

On the other hand, when you talk positive about your wife, it will reinforce those positive thought, helping you to focus on them. That will ultimately help you to be happier with your wife and express that happiness towards her.

It’s really hard to be romantic when you’re feeling negative towards her; not impossible, but difficult. Our romance can’t just be something external; it must be something that wells up from inside our hearts. That means that we must constantly be striving to renew the source of that romance, our sense of love towards her. That makes our romance real; as opposed to something that’s just canned.

Positive thoughts create positive actions, which create positive results. Those positive results make our thoughts more positive, starting the cycle over again. If you truly want to help your marriage and truly want to express love towards your wife, then watch what you say about her. Help yourself keep your mind focused on the good, so that you can continue to act in love.

She Needs to Talk About it

I think the most dreaded words that a man can hear coming out of his wife’s mouth are “We need to talk.” Those four simple words can cause the stoutest hearts to tremble, the strongest knees to quake and the strongest backs to bow in anticipation of a blow. When we hear those words, a sudden desire to run for cover grips us, providing us with an excellent opportunity to imitate a deer caught in the headlights.

Yet, why is this so? Didn’t we all say “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but names will never hurt me” when we were kids? Yes, we said that, but we’ve since learned that the greatest wounds come not from those sticks and stones, but from words; most specifically, from the words that our wives say when they are upset. Those words often cut deep, creating wounds that don’t heal and creating that fear within us.

You know; most of the time, your wife really isn’t trying to hurt you with her words, she’s just trying to express her own hurt and get feeling better. You getting hurt in the process isn’t part of her plan, regardless of you it may look to you and me.

I don’t know how many times my wife has said those dreadful words to me in our 25+ years of marriage. Yet, every time, I let her spill her guts, and every time I end up feeling like I’ve been run over by a steam roller. Does that make me a hero? I don’t think so; it makes me a caring husband. Does it make me a fool? No, not that either; just one who cares about his wife.

We need to learn to understand the therapeutic value of talking. Maybe it doesn’t have that value for you and me, but it sure does for her. Her heart gets filled with things that bother her. If she doesn’t get the opportunity to get them out of there, they become a poison, eating away at her like a cancer. When we let our wives talk about those things which are bothering them, we provide an opportunity for them to “clean out their hearts;” throwing out the garbage that has accumulated there.

When the typical guy gets home from work he’s met by his typical wife. They sit down to eat their typical dinner and start the typical conversation. In that conversation, she basically relates everything bad that happened all day long; everything the kids did bad, everything that didn’t work, everything that made her feel bad and everything she didn’t like. If she has anything positive to say, it’s usually left for last.

What the typical guy hears in that conversation is “Here’s a list of problems you need to deal with. Get off your lazy butt and do something about them.” But, what she’s really saying is “I’ve had problems today and I want to get rid of them. Let me talk about them, so that I can clean out my heart. I’m so glad you’re home.”

Quite a difference, right? You see, this is just another case where men and women don’t speak the same language. When your wife says, “nobody loves me,” that doesn’t mean she doubts your love, it means that she feels unloved at that moment. When she says, “nobody listens to me,” it doesn’t mean that you never listen to her, it means that she needs someone to listen to her right then. When she yells, “you never take me anywhere,” it doesn’t mean you’ve never done that, it means she’s feeling penned up and wants to go out and do something, even if it’s to go walk in the park.

I realize it would be much easier for us guys to understand our wives if they would just say what they mean, but take my word for it, we’ll never win that battle. For millennia, men have tried to get women to change the way they express themselves, but it’s never worked. Why should we think it’ll work for us?

The trick in all this is for us to learn how to not take the things she says as what she means to say. In other words, don’t take it personally. Granted, those are very emotionally charged things she’s saying; filled with negative sentiments and accusations. But, in reality, that’s not what they are, they’re a cry for help. Likewise for that list of problems she presents you with over dinner. She really isn’t expecting you to do anything about it; she doesn’t want a solution, she just wants a sympathetic ear.

So, learn how to develop a sympathetic ear. Listen to what she says, and don’t let it get to you. Really, you don’t have to take it personally. You don’t have to take it as an attack. You just need to listen enough to allow her to get it off her chest. That will do a world of good for her. And if you can learn how to listen, without taking it personally, you’ll help her without it costing you a thing.

Give Her the Day

Every couple struggles with having enough time to be together. Oh, they might both be in the same house or even in the same room, but that’s not the same as being together. To truly be together means that you are paying attention to each other, not that you are paying attention to everything else around you. It means that you are either talking to each other or doing something together which requires communication with each other. Watching television doesn’t count.

I’m sure you’ve heard about “quality time.” Well, what makes one time more “quality” than another? It has to be the focus of the time; in other words, it’s only quality time when your focus is each other. Anything else is just time passing.

So, surprise your wife today and give her time, quality time that is. Drop whatever it is you’re doing, grab your wife, get in the car, start driving and ask her, “Okay, now that we’re going, where do you want to go so that we can spend some quality time together?” Wait till you’re going, before you ask though, as you don’t want to give her the opportunity to come up with excuses about what she has to do, etc. etc. etc.

Just in case she can’t come up with something off the top of her head, here’s a few ideas:

• Go to your favorite coffee shop and sit there staring soulfully into each other’s eyes while talking.
• Go get ice cream… along with the staring soulfully, etc.
• Take her to the mall and just look at stuff.
• Go to some cute little boutique that the two of you had seen, but never managed to stop in at.
• Take a walk in the park.

The thing isn’t so much where you go as it is that you go there together and do something together. It doesn’t even matter if you spend a lot of money, it isn’t about the money, it’s about the two of you. You both need that time, although she is probably much more aware of her need than you are. Just take some time to enjoy each other’s presence, without having to be someplace or get something done.

Okay, so maybe there’s a few practical details that need to be worked out, like someone to watch the kids; well, work them out. Do it without her knowing. That just helps add to the surprise. You’re trying to make her feel like she’s the most important person in your world. That isn’t going to happen if you make her call the babysitter and work out all the other details.

Enjoy the time. That’s what it’s about. If there’s something that absolutely has to get done, then that’s okay. You can arrange to get back in time for that. But don’t let it get in the way of the time you are together. Forget about it for that time, don’t sit there thinking about it. Focus on her.