Those Little Irritations – Part 2

Yesterday, I talked about giving grace to your wife and overlooking the things that she does which irritate you. I’m sure that in the ensuing 24 hours you have become an expert on that and don’t need for me to elaborate further. But, what about the flip side of the coin? Are you doing things which irritate her?

Yeah, I know, she should overlook those, just like you should overlook hers. Actually, you’ve probably been saying that to yourself for years. After all, you’re the man of the house, why should you have to submit to her desires?

Hold on a minute, this isn’t about submission, nor is it about bowing to her desires; it’s about maintaining peace and tranquility in the home, so that there is an atmosphere in which romance can blossom. If you’ve got the wrong attitude, it doesn’t matter what romantic acts you do, they’re not going to be perceived as romantic.

As I said yesterday, all of us do things which are irritating to our mates. Our wives do it to us and we do it to them as well. Actually, if we were to do a poll, I’d say that men do more things to irritate their wives than wives do to irritate their husbands. Maybe that’s because women are more relationally oriented. So, they have a more accurate image of the man they want us to be.

Anyway, what are those things which you do, that irritate your wife? Whatever they are, they’re probably pretty small. Nevertheless, they are causing friction in your relationship, so they are a problem.

Let me ask you this, how important are those things to you? Would it be a real problem to change them? How about this one, how important are they, when you compare them to your marriage? If they don’t stack up as being all that important, then why are you continuing to do them?

Okay, I know, that one hurt. But, let’s be real. The reality is that many of the things we hold onto aren’t all that important, once we see them in the light of an honest comparison to something that’s really important to us. We inflate those things, making them bigger in our eyes than they really are; then we wonder why they end up being a bone of contention between us and our wives. That’s not real smart.

When I got married, I had to make a number of changes in my life. I changed everything from what time of day I took a shower, to getting rid of my motorcycle. Now, I really liked that motorcycle; it was a Honda Gold Wing. But, you know something? I loved my wife even more; and since she was afraid to get on it, there wasn’t a whole lot of reason for me to keep it. So, I decided to let it go. It was more important to me to have my wife riding with me, than what ride I was riding.

Most of the things which we do, which irritate our wives, aren’t anywhere near as big as that. They’re little things, more on the order of throwing our dirty clothes on the floor, instead of putting them in the hamper. Now, I know you and I are both old enough to pick up your own dirty clothes, so what do we have trouble doing it?

Remember, your wife isn’t your servant, or your slave. You want her to be your lover more than anything else. Well, how can she feel like a lover, when you treat her like a servant?

You see, the changes I’ve made were to make our life together better. That was enough reason, in and of itself, to motivate me to make those changes. I didn’t need my wife to cajole me or nag me. All I needed was to see that it was something that bothered her. That was enough. I want to make my wife happy, not miserable.

So, what are you doing that irritates your wife? Is there a bad habit that you need to break? Are you doing something that treats her like a servant, rather than a lover? Is there something that you do, which puts her and your relationship with her on the back burner? If your answer to any of those is “yes” I think you know what you need to do.

Those Little Irritations

Having just come back from vacation, I was reminded of how useful it can be to be nearly blind. Of course, I’m not talking about being physically blind, because there is nothing useful about that. I am amazed by blind people who can still do things and wouldn’t want to join their ranks for anything.

No, what I’m talking about is being blind to things that are better off not seen. In the book “Shogun” there is a statement made by an older woman, where she says something to the effect that she’s glad that she can’t see well, because she’d rather not see many of the things that are going on around her. Although she was referring to her physical loss of sight in the first part of that statement, in the second part, she was talking about sight in the metaphorical sense.

There’s some great wisdom in that. Often, there are things that we’re better off not seeing. A person who is physically blind can overlook many things, because they can’t see them. On the other hand, those of us who are sighted tend to focus on things that are best ignored.

Let’s be real here. It’s impossible to live with others, without finding things about them that irritate us. It doesn’t matter if we’re talking about kids, co-workers, neighbors or spouses; they all have something irritating about them. You know something? We do too.

Why is it that we spend so much time and energy focusing on those unimportant little irritants in our spouses? Wouldn’t we all be much better off if we learned how to overlook them? Why focus on the way that she does things differently than your mother did them, if what she is doing works for her? Isn’t that ultimately the proof of the pudding, that it works?

Any marriage counselor can tell you that when a couple comes in for help on their marriage, the things that they complain about first aren’t the real issues; they’re the minor irritations. They’ll talk about how he throws his dirty clothes on the floor and how she leaves her lingerie hanging in the shower. Other major issues, such as how a toothpaste tube should be squeezed and which way the toilet paper roll should go on the holder are also popular complaints.

I just have one thing to say about all that… so what? Are those things really all that important? Are they worth fussing over? Are they worth even paying attention to? NO!

In my office, my son is in the habit of leaving the chair for the computer he uses sticking out in the aisle when he leaves. That means that I have to push that chair in, so that I can get to my desk. Now, if I was into majoring on the minors, I could very easily get irritated about that. I could even work myself up into being angry over it. After all, it costs me a whole two seconds to move that chair and I have to do it two or three times a day. If he cared about my time, he’d be more considerate and not leave that chair in my way!

Sound ridiculous? It is. Yet, that’s how ridiculous we all sound when we make a big deal over the little things that our wives and other family members do. So what? Let it go. Quit using a magnifying glass to look at your wife, so that you can find her flaws. Focus on the good, not the bad.

A great word here is the word “overlook.” It expresses the idea of looking over something, so that you can see another. That’s what we need to learn how to do. We need to learn how to look over the minor things our wives do, so that we can see the great people that they are. What a great way to do things. That helps us to keep a positive attitude towards them, maintaining our love, instead of building our anger and hatred.

Love cannot continue to exist without grace. When we first met our wives, we extended them lots of grace. Everything that was wrong with them and everything that they did wrong was overlooked. We need to go back to that. Why bother being upset about things that don’t really matter. Appreciate the wonderful woman that she is, and love her for it.

The Importance of Non-Sexual Touch – Part 2

Yesterday, I was talking about non-sexual touch and how important it is that we have it, so that our wives don’t think that every time we touch them, we expect it to end in sex. I also mentioned that it is one of the five love languages which Gary Chapman talked about in his book. I’d like to back that up today, with a little bit of science.

Our bodies are incredibly complex machines. As part of their normal function, they produce a wide variety of chemicals which are necessary for proper function, both physically and emotionally. Yes, our emotions are affected by our bodies, most specifically by the chemicals that our bodies produce.

In addition to our body’s chemicals affecting our emotions, our emotions affect our body’s chemistry. Actually, it’s the thoughts associated with those feelings that affect our body’s chemistry, but who’s being picky? The hypothalamus in the back of the brain is directly wired into our thoughts, and controls our body’s production of many hormones and other chemicals. These in turn affect our body and our thoughts.

Anyone who has ever been around a woman during her PMS time realizes that hormones definitely have an emotional impact on us. That isn’t just true for women, it’s also true for men as well (although not as obvious).

One of the hormones which the hypothalamus produces is oxytocin.  In recent medical studies, oxytocin has been found to be an important part of the process of marital bonding. For this reason, some people call it the monogamy hormone. The emotional effect of oxytocin, which plays such an essential part of this bonding is that it causes us to feel in love with the other person. That in turn causes bonding.

Oxytocin is released in our systems in various degrees through thinking positively about someone, sexual activity and physical touch. So, in a literal sense, physical touch is a language of love, because it causes us to feel in love with the other person. However, if the person is thinking negatively, during the touch, no oxytocin is released. That means for women who have a negative attitude about sex and that think that every time their husband touches them, he expects sex, there is no benefit.

A couple which has lots of non-sexual touch will feel more love towards one another. That makes it very important. The whole idea of being romantic is to stimulate feelings of love. That’s what oxytocin does. As long as your wife is enjoying the touch, her feelings of love are increasing towards you. Of course, the converse is true as well. As long as you are enjoying touching her, your feelings of love are increasing as well.

Look at dating teens for example. They touch each other so much, its’ as if they can’t survive five minutes without touching. All that touch makes them fall in love with each other. They see that other person as the most perfect example of their gender on the face of the planet. It doesn’t matter that their friends think they’re nuts, they know that they’ve found the love of their life.

Okay guys, all this means that we need to learn how to enjoy that non-sexual touch too. I don’t know about you, but I love the feeling of my wife’s soft, smooth skin. I enjoy touching her, even when there’s nothing sexual about it. She enjoys it as well, because she doesn’t feel threatened by it.

So, how often should you touch your wife, non-sexually? How about every chance you get? That should be almost enough. As you do, both of you will feel closer together, more romantic and more in love.

The Importance of Non-Sexual Touch

According to Gary Chapman’s best-selling book, “The Five Love Languages” physical touch is one of the ways in which we express love to one another. To us, as guys, this sounds great. We all tend to think that sexual intimacy not only fulfills this role of expressing love, but is something to enjoy as well.

Unfortunately, our wives don’t see it that way. To them, sexual expressions of love are pretty-much one way; that is, them expressing love to us, but not receiving it from us. Part of that is because we’re the ones with the strong sexual desire. So, to our wives, our sexual encounters aren’t about us expressing our love towards them, as much as they are about us having our needs be satisfied by them.

Another part of this problem can be that most women don’t receive enough sexual orgasms to really believe that when they have sex, they’ll have an orgasm. There are a number of reasons for this, both emotional and physical. Some common ones are:

• Lack of sexual frequency – The less frequent, the harder it is for her to have an orgasm
• Lack of sufficient stimulation – When it’s over quick, she doesn’t get enough stimulation to have an orgasm
• Emotional hurts – Whether we realize it or not, we’re pretty good at unintentionally hurting our wives
• No emotional connection – For a woman to have an orgasm, she needs to have a solid emotional connection with her husband outside of the bed
• Not feeling loved – Yes, for her, it’s not the sex that makes her feel loved, sex comes out of feeling loved
• Tiredness – By bedtime, most women are exhausted. They don’t have the emotional or physical energy to invest in lovemaking
• Lack of romance – This ties in with “not feeling loved.” When romance is lacking in the marriage, she feels like sex is a chore, not a joy
• Poor self-esteem – A woman’s self-esteem affects her ability to enjoy sex. If she’s self-conscious about being overweight, she won’t want to be seen, even though you want to see her. If she’s feeling bad about herself, she’ll feel as if she can’t be loved.

This list is by no means complete, nor is it intended to be. These are just some of the more common reasons why a woman won’t receive a sexual orgasm. Okay, so what does that have to do with touch?

Since men have such a strong sexual desire, when we touch our wives, there are pretty much always some sexual thoughts running around someplace in our minds. Our original intention may not have been sexual, but the act of touching her often brings about those thoughts. We typically follow them, to see where they might lead.

The result of that is that our wives think that every time we touch them, we’re just after sex. While I’d have to say that there is some element of truth to that supposition, it’s actually blocking non-sexual intimacy in the marriage.

There is nothing wrong with sex playing a major role in the marriage; it should. But, sex shouldn’t be something that puts our wives on guard, it should be something that we enjoy together as a couple. If touch leads to sex, that’s not a problem; but if it doesn’t lead to sex, that shouldn’t be a problem either. Physical touch, whether sexual or non-sexual is an important part of maintaining emotional intimacy in the marriage.

Our wives need to learn that just because we touch them, that doesn’t mean that we’re expecting to jump in bed (or the sofa, or the kitchen table). They need to realize that touch, in and of itself, is an important expression of love.

Okay, so we beat on our wives for their wrong attitudes, right? Wrong! The only way that our wives are going to be able to accept touch as an expression of non-sexual love is when they can experientially see that our touch doesn’t mean “sex.” In other words, we’re going to have to show them. We’re going to have to start touching them, in ways that aren’t sexual and without sexual goals. That’s the only thing that is going to make it so that they don’t think every touch is about sex.

It’s only when our wives can accept our touch as being about something other than sex that they can begin to accept it as being an expression of love. So, give her lots of non-sexual touch, so that she can begin to receive that type of expression of love as well.

• Hugs
• Backrubs
• Foot rubs
• Lightly touching her back or the back of her neck
• Cuddling in bed
• Cuddling on the sofa

You get the idea. Of course, those things can and sometimes do lead to sex. But, the point is that they don’t have to. That’s the point that you need to get across to her. But first, you need to get it across to yourself.

Keeping Your Heart Open

Yesterday, I was talking about the importance to letting your wife talk, specifically talking about her problems. We discussed how that was therapeutic for her and helped her to get things off her chest and out of her heart. Today, I want to touch on something that I mentioned yesterday, but didn’t talk about to any great depth; the problem of men keeping their hearts closed off to their wives.

During the dating years, guys are basically open with their girl friends. They talk about their dreams and aspirations, sharing things which are hidden from everyone else. We even go as far as to share our weaknesses, something that we don’t do with anyone else.

Why are men so reluctant to share weaknesses? There’s actually a valid reason for it. God has created men with a violent, aggressive nature, so that we can use that character trait to protect our families. Regardless of whether we’re talking about protecting them from Internet predators, saber-toothed tigers, or attacks from the Devil, it’s the same characteristic. We need the capacity for violence, so that we can react as needed to protect those who are closest to us.

One thing that anyone who has ever fought knows instinctively is that you don’t let your enemy know about your weakness. If they know, they can use it against you. There’s no reason to give them that advantage.

Well, in marriage, she starts out as your closest friend and lover. Then one day, you have your first fight. During that fight, she dredges up everything wrong you’ve ever done and throws it in your face. While this may or may not help her win the fight, it does have one very important, but unwanted result. That is that it teaches you that it’s dangerous to let her know your weaknesses. Where before she had been allowed into your heart, now she has to be kept out. Door closed and locked.

This door closing action happens automatically, without our even realizing it. But, that doesn’t make it any less real. From then on, every time she tries to knock on the door of your heart, you pretend you didn’t hear it. That makes her feel as if you don’t’ love her.

Like I said, this is automatic. It’s not that you want to keep her out, it’s that you do so out of self-defense, without even realizing it. Okay, so what do you do about it?

It’s actually possible to reopen the door to your heart and let her back in; but only you can do that. She can’t open your heart, nor can a $100 per hour head shrinker. So, how do you do it?

First of all, you need to forgive her. That may not open the door, but it will sure get rid of the barricade you put in front of it. Without forgiveness, you may never be able to find the door, let alone open it. (see my post on “Be quick to forgive”)

The second thing you need to do is explain to her what happened; or at least share this post with her, so that she can understand. That will help her to know how to avoid a repeat performance.

The third and final step is to reform the habit of openness. What I mean by that is to start talking about your dreams and aspirations once again. This might be best performed as a team effort. Get your wife to ask you questions that are associated with that area, and answer them honestly. Don’t hold back.

One thing we need to understand, which plays into this, is that our conversation style changes by marriage. Before the wedding, we talk a lot about those dreams. But, once the honeymoon is over, we start talking about reality. Reality is never as interesting as dreams, especially when that reality is a constant series of problems and struggles.

That just increases the need for openness of heart. If all your conversation with your wife is about problems with the kids, the idiot at work and how you’re going to pay the bills, you’re not going to enjoy talking to one another. You both need some positive conversation; the type you were practicing before you got married. That will do wonders to being you closer together. 

One of the major complaints that women make about their husbands is that there isn’t enough communication in the marriage. Of course, this is always the man’s fault, regardless of any other consideration. But, what do they really mean by that?

In actuality, that complaint is multi-faceted. One part of it is that us guys don’t talk much about our feelings, about what’s going on in our hearts. That’s a big deal for women, and how they validate their relationships. When we don’t talk about those things, it seems to them like we are blocking them out of our lives.

In defense of men, I have to say that most of us don’t really think about those things all that much, so its’ no wonder we don’t share those feelings with our wives. While we do have feelings, we just don’t think about them all that much. So, I guess from a woman’s point of view, we’re blocking ourselves out of this part of our lives as well (not that I necessarily agree with them).

The second part of this complaint is the difference between pre-marital and post-marital communications. Before the wedding, everything is dreams; how wonderful our married life is going to be. After the wedding, conversation switches to reality; all the problems we face in life. Obviously, that talk about dreams is much more fun than dealing with reality. But, it has another aspect as well, that of showing what’s in the person’s heart. Women need that open window.

Nevertheless, it’s the third aspect of this that I want to talk about right now. That is that we all reach a point where we stop listening to their complaints. You know how it is, you walk in the door, after a rough day at work, and your wife gives you a litany of everything that went wrong during the day. That’s the last thing you want to hear, more problems; so, you tune her out.

Hey, I’ve been there, done that and burned the T-shirt (it wasn’t worth keeping). So, I fully understand how hard it is to sit there and listen to a list of problems, after spending the whole day dealing with problems. It always seemed to me (and I’m sure it seems the same to you) like she was dumping a whole new load of problems on my back, that I had to spend the whole evening dealing with; and all I wanted to do was relax!

Let me tell you a secret. For 99% of the things that she complains about in that laundry list of problems, she doesn’t expect you to do anything. That’s right. Even though it seems like she’s dumping all her problems on you, so that you’ll do something about them, she really isn’t. She doesn’t need you to do anything.

You see, as men, we’re fixers. When there’s something broken, we need to fix it. It doesn’t matter if we know how to fix it or not, there’s something in us that says “Fix it now!” So, when she complains about her job, we tell her to quit and find another job. When she complains about the neighbor’s dog pooping in her flower bed, we mentally look for our shotgun, so that we can shoot the dog. When she says that Johnny’s teacher sent a note home with him, we think about beating Johnny (or the teacher). For every complaint, we automatically come up with a solution, whether or not it’s practical.

Now, there are a few exceptions. If little Johnny is being rebellious and not obeying mommy, you need to back her up and deal with Johnny. If the washing machine has broken down, you’d better come up with a repair or a repair man, one or the other. But, except for those “important” things, you can blow off the rest of it. She isn’t expecting you to do a thing.

You see, that time of relating all her woes to you is therapeutic for her. It gives her the chance to get it off her chest and out of her heart. She needs that. If she doesn’t get it, she ends up holding all that junk in her heart, where it eats away at her like a cancer. You don’t want that to happen.

When she doesn’t get the opportunity to unload her heart, and stores all those things up, you’ve got to realize that they’re going to come out sometime. When you least expect it, you’ll walk through the door and say, “Hi Honey, I’m home” and she’ll explode. Instead of being greeted by your sweet loving wife, you’ll be met by an angry monster that looks like she’s going to serve you for dinner, instead of serve you dinner.

Of course, if you don’t want to invest the time to listen to her tale of woe, there is an option. You can pay a shrink $100.00 per hour (or more) to do it for you. That saves you having to hear about all those problems. Of course, paying for that privilege may cause a few more problems, but hey, it’s worth it, right? Uh, I’m not so sure about that.

Let your wife talk. Be that attentive ear that she needs. Let her get it off her chest; just don’t hold it in yours. Instead of accepting everything she says as something that you need to deal with, let it be like rainwater on a duck’s back, rolling right off of you. That way, neither of you are carrying the problem. 

Be There for Her

One of the things that they regularly teach in parenting classes is the importance of being there for your kids, especially when they are “performing” in one way or another. They want their parents to be interested in their lives and even more so want the approval that comes with a job well done. Whether it’s winning the football game or putting on a school play, having mom and dad there applauding makes the victory all that much sweeter.

Okay, but what about your wife? What about her victories? Aren’t those important to be there for as well? Of course they are. Whether she has a victory at work or in her quilting circle, we need to be there for them.

I just recently saw a cop show in which one of the main character’s wife was having a baby. The cop was a member of a SWAT team and had gotten shot in the arm on a call. Yet, when he was taken to the hospital, he refused treatment, wanting to be with his wife. Although he was hurting, that hurt wasn’t as great in his mind as the hurt of not having been there for the birth of their first child. There was no way he was going to miss out on being there for the second one, just because of a flesh wound.

Granted, that was scripted and in real life, he’d probably be a bit more concerned about his own hurt. Nevertheless, it shows a wonderful attitude. That man was showing what “real men don’t cry” is really all about. It’s not about men not feeling pain, as many try to make it; it’s about doing what needs to be done, even in the midst of the pain. a real man thinks of others pain, even when they're hurting. 

It can be difficult to sit through your wife’s club event or office dinner party. Yet, when that moment happens where she is recognized for outstanding performance, it’s well worth all the time you “wasted” sitting through the rest. You got to see her in her moment of glory; but even more importantly, she got to experience it with you there. That made it something that you experienced together.

How many times have we all blown off our wives accomplishments, not realizing the importance of them? Maybe we’ve compared those to our own accomplishments and not thought of them as much. But in their eyes, those accomplishments are just as important as our being named “Salesman of the year.” It’s an accomplishment, that’s what matters, not what type it is.

Then there’s the other side of this proverbial coin. What about those times when she’s being hurled down into the emotional pit, instead of being lifted up on a pedestal? If anything, she needs you then, more than she does when she’s riding on top of the world.

The greatest need that anyone has when they are going through a struggle is to know that they’re not alone. When Job went through his crisis, his friends came to visit him. While their great debate with him over his sin wasn’t the highpoint of the history of friendship, their actions before that were. Before Job started that debate, by complaining about his suffering, those same friends had sat there in the ashes with Job for seven days. They shared in his suffering, letting him know that he wasn’t alone.

Our wives need us, no matter what they are going through. Whether they are on top of the world or stuck in the dungeon of dejection, they shouldn’t be there alone. Emotional support in both extremes is an important part of maintaining a strong relationship. It’s also an important part of making sure that there’s nobody else that’s providing that emotional support to her.

Be there for her.