Quit Telling Her So

It seems that one of the most satisfying things in life is when we get to tell someone “I told you so.” It’s as if those four words hold the power to vindicate us and show the world (or at least the person we’re talking to) that our opinion was valid and we were right all the time.

When that opportunity to tell someone that we were right and they were wrong comes along, there are few who can resist the temptation to let it be known, declaring it out loud. It’s almost like we’re conditioned to say that, like a chicken who let’s everyone know that she’s just laid an egg. What pride! What satisfaction! What are we thinking?

C’mon now, is it really all that important to be able to say “I was right and you were wrong”? Where’s grace in that? For that matter, where’s love in it? Is it that our self-esteem is so small that we need to put others down, in order to build ourselves up? Even so, is that any way to treat a wife? Even more, is it any way to treat your wife?

Let me put it another way; how do you feel when she says that to you? Do you feel like she’s building you up? Do you feel loved? Or, do you feel like she’s putting you down? Well, guess what? She doesn’t feel loved and built up when you say it, than you feel when she says it.

So, if that’s the case, wouldn’t saying “I told you so” be anti-romantic? Hmm, think about that a moment. If we’re trying to be romantic towards our wives, so that they feel more loved and even more loving, then doesn’t it make sense to get rid of the anti-romantic things we do as well?

There’s another form of this same phrase, which we probably use even more than the one I’ve mentioned above. That’s to say “I’ve told you before” or “I’ve told you a thousand times” or some such. We tend to get irritated at our wives, when they don’t do things we’ve told them or don’t do them in the way we’ve told them. Since we feel vindicated for our irritation, we think nothing of telling her that she hasn’t been listening.

Okay, so what? Why do we have to make a big deal out of it when our wives don’t catch what we say, even if it does mean that they do things the wrong way? I mean really, what is gained by that anger? Wouldn’t it be better to just treat it as if it were the first time, and instruct her as if it were the first time?

Let’s take something simple, like not hanging the car keys on their hook. Every time your wife has to leave, she ends up searching for them again. That probably means that you end up helping her search for them, especially when she’s running late or in a hurry. So, what good does it do to get irritated, annoyed, made or even exasperated? Does that make you feel any more love and compassion towards here? Does it make you express love better? Does it even make you feel more loved? What? You’re saying no to all those questions? Then why bother wasting the energy getting mad?

It’s much easier to just face the fact of having to search for your wife’s keys as part of your life. Quit wasting time and energy on getting annoyed; just help her. Maybe you could buy her one those key rings that answers when you whistle or one that’s really big, so that it’s easier to see.

The point here is watching how you react to those things. All too often, we allow them to become points of irritation and strife, turning molehills into mountains, instead of treating them like what they are, just the little problems of life.

Learn to keep the little things little; it’ll make loving your wife all that much easier.

What’s Important to Her?

Have you ever noticed how everyone seems to have one that’s important to them? You have it, I have it, your wife has it, even your kids have it. It may seem insignificant and unimportant to you, but to that person, that one thing is the thing that their life is centered around.

Movies, especially comedies, capitalize on this and make fun of it. The writers will pick out some insignificant thing, and make a supporting role center around their love for that thing. I remember seeing a movie recently, in which the character’s mother centered her life around her dog. Everything she said, she had to include the dog, as if the dog was in agreement with what she said. That dog even sat on her lap at the dining table.

Okay, so maybe that character had a screw loose. Fortunately, the rest of us aren’t quite that bad. Even so, the fact of the matter is that we all have something, or more likely more than one something that’s important to us.

Do you know what’s important to your wife? What gets her juices flowing? What does she get passionate about? Knowing that is an important part of knowing who she is. You can tell what these important things are, because those are the things she constantly talks about.

Let’s say, for example, that your wife regularly comments on the front lawn of your house and even the lawns of your neighbor’s houses. Why is she doing that? Simple, that’s something important to her. It could be that she sees the lawn as showing how well a family takes care of their home or that a well manicured lawn indicates that the people have their lives together or even just because it looks good. She may not even know the reason why that’s important to her.

The point isn’t the reason why it’s important, the point is that for some reason it is important. Now, what we usually try and do as guys, is to talk out wives out of that. If we can’t see any reason why it should be important, we dismiss it out of hand. Unfortunately, when we do that, we’re saying “your opinion isn’t important.”

You can’t dismiss another person’s opinion as unimportant without dismissing them as unimportant at the same time. Whether you try and justify your reason for seeing it as unimportant or not isn’t the issue. If it’s important to her, and you dismiss it as unimportant, you’ve essentially said that her opinion doesn’t matter.

How many times have we as men done this to our wives? How can we say that we love them, in the midst of dismissing their thoughts as unimportant? If your wife is important to you, then the least you can do is recognize the value of her opinion, even if it doesn’t agree with yours.

I’m not trying to say that whatever is important to her automatically has to be important to you. What I am trying to say is that you should take into account what is important to her. Because it is important to her and she is important to you, you should make some effort to take care of that thing.

Let’s go back to the lawn example for a moment. If your wife is concerned with how the front lawn looks, then you need to realize that by taking care of it, you are telling her that she is important to you. You are valuing her opinion and her desires. You are removing a worry or concern from her life. In other words, you are protecting her, even if it is just protecting her from herself.

When you love someone, you take an interest in their interests, even if they aren’t your own. Doing that shows them that you care, and isn’t that what romance is all about?

A Soothing Word

You know, we all have a bad day now and then. Things go wrong; we get up on the wrong side of the bed; we have a bad hair day; whatever. Regardless of the cause, bad days happen and when they do, it generally clouds our disposition.

Of course, when it happens to us, we expect the world to understand and tread lightly around us. But, do we do the same for others? More specifically, do we do the same for our wives? When they have a bad day, are we considerate of them or do we see it as an infringement on our lives?

I remember hearing years ago that the woman sets the emotional atmosphere of the home. Oh how true that is. I remember days where I came home from the office and as I walked in the door I could tell my wife’s mood, without seeing or hearing her or the kids. Why? Because her bad mood had created a negative atmosphere in the home.

We need to be sensitive to those days, recognizing them for what they are and being ready to help our wives overcome their bad mood. That’s not necessarily the same as solving her problem. Solving the problem may not help her mood. Nor will helping her mood necessarily solve the problem. In a sense, there are two separate, but interconnected problems, whatever put her in a bad mood and her bad mood.

I guarantee you that if you walk in the door and find your wife upset because the washing machine broke down, telling her to call a repairman isn’t going to help her mood one bit. You could even call him yourself or fix it yourself, without helping her mood one bit. Yes, the washing machine needs to be fixed, but that’s not what’s bothering her. The emotional problem which the washing machine caused is the big problem; that needs to be dealt with in a totally different manner.

Remember that you always need to treat her emotions as something important. Whether or not the thing that made her upset is important to you is immaterial; what is important is that she’s bothered by it.

So, how do you help her in this situation? Like I said, don’t start by giving her a solution to her problem; instead, give her a soft word. Change the focus of the situation by talking about something else. Tell her you love her. Pray for her. Give her a big hug and a kiss. Remind her of something funny that happened (that she thinks is funny). Talk about something positive. More than anything, it’s your words that are going to help her overcome those negative feelings; so pick them with care. Let your words be words to build her up and soothe her; taking her mind off her problem and helping her feel secure and loved.

No matter what you do, don’t focus on the problem; at least, not until you help her. Granted, if the house if flooding, you might need to deal with that first, I’m not talking about those major crises’; I’m talking about the small to medium sized things. Don’t discount her emotions, either. They are hers, and if you invalidate them, you’re telling her that she’s invalid as well.

The other thing you never want to do is internalize her words. There’s a pretty good possibility that she’s going to end up lashing out at you verbally. Don’t sweat it; she really doesn’t mean it; she’s just expressing her frustration. If you allow yourself to accept those words, they will hurt, and instead of helping your wife, you’ll end up fighting with her. That’s not going to help anyone.

Remember, a soothing word, that’s what she needs. As King Solomon once said, “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger” (Pro 15:1).