Monday, February 27, 2012

Be Her Secret Admirer


Women love to be loved; actually it goes much deeper than that. A large part of their self-esteem comes from being wanted by somebody. It’s really not all that different than the way we guys are, we want our wives to want us too, and if they don’t it’s a real blow to the ego.

The expression of that need to be needed is different for men and women, but we all have that need. For men, it’s expressed sexually, while for women it’s expressed through words, looks and the desire to be with them that we express. In their minds, it doesn’t matter whether they want to make love or not, they need to know that they are wanted.

Of course, how we express that to them is important as well. It comes across very negative when we express our desire crudely; that’s a real turn-off. It’s also a turn-off when our desire is expressed in a way that is purely physical. If they think we want sex just for sex, then they feel as if we want to use them. It makes them think that we just want sex with anyone, not that we want to connect with them. That’s the key word, “connect,” to a women, that’s what they want. Whether in bed or out, women want a heart connection. The physical connection is secondary.

Let me get back on track here. If a woman, your wife for example, wants to be wanted, then it would help for us to be able to express that, but not in a physical way. Instead of focusing on the physical, we should express that in a way that sounds more like a heart connection than a physical one.

Here’s an idea to get your wife going a bit. Start sending her e-mails from a “secret admirer.” Now, to do this, you’re obviously going to need to use a different e-mail account, since I’m sure she knows your regular one. No problem, just open up a free account to use just for this. Something like “secretadmirer@hotmail.com” should work just fine.

Then, send her a series of short e-mail messages, talking about how much you want to connect with her. You’ll have to do a little “acting” for this one; pretending you are someone else. You could pretend to be someone who sees her at work, or at a local store, something like that. This pretending is to give you a context for your e-mails; you want to be able to write them as if you were seeing her from afar, in those locations. That way you can say something like, “Every day, when I pass by your office and see you, it brightens my day.”

There are two reasons for this “acting.” The first is that you want to see if you can pull this off for several days, or even a couple of week. The other is that it is easier to do something or say something which might make you uncomfortable if you are invisible. That’s why people say the craziest personal things on Facebook, which they’d never say in person.

Keep your messages short, but make sure they are Now, don’t get offended if your wife starts talking about her secret admirer. The real secret is that you know who it is, even if she doesn’t. That will just show you that you’re getting through to her. Be careful that you don’t let your face or your reactions give you away. You can have a private laugh, knowing that you are the secret admirer. Of course, you need to tell her eventually, but let the game go on for a bit before you do.

Once she knows that you have been her secret admirer, you’ll get all the points that she’s been saving for him. Actually, she probably won’t have stored up any points for him, but you’ll get them anyway.

2 comments:

  1. I like a lot of the things you share, but see this one as something that could be hurtful to the marriage. By doing this in secret you are forcing her to think of someone else. This could possibly draw a rift in the sand if there is any beginning that something is not right in the relationship. I am not saying that the entire idea is off base, a husband approaching his wife this way, in full disclosure that it is him, is a fabulous idea. It makes her feel desired by the man she loves, the man she desires, and that is a very good thing. But having the feeling of being desired by a man who is not your husband, even if he doesn't exist, that is dangerous, at least in my mind.

    Keep up the good work, I do enjoy reading your thoughts daily.

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  2. Mike -

    I understand what you're saying, and have to agree with you. I made an assumption when I wrote this post that he had been acting romantic towards her for a while. In that case, I don't think she would be thinking about another man; although she would wonder who did it. In my own case, my wife was convinced it was me. Same in the cases of a few other men who I had try this. The tricky part for me was to not give in and let her know right away, I managed to keep the secret for a whole two hours. But then, I still sent her the e-mails for a while.

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