Give Her a Little Extra Grace

There are two basic reasons that women are “more emotional” then men. They function in the right brain, which is the emotional/creative side of the brain and they are largely affected by the cycle of their hormones throughout the month. These two things, working together, make a woman’s emotions of more consequence to her, affecting all areas of her life and being.

I put “more emotional” in quotation marks up there because that’s a bit of a misconception. Men have and experience as many emotions as women do. But, there are two major differences in a man’s emotions and a woman’s. The first is that men don’t connect with their emotions as well as women do and the second is that men aren’t as expressive about their emotions. They have a greater tendency to ignore those emotions and pretend they aren’t there (this is also biological in the brain).

Okay, so we all know and accept that women are more expressive in their emotions and that those emotions are going to have a bigger role in what they say and do. So, we just have to put up with it, right? Well, right and wrong. Actually, we’re a whole lot better off if we can try and understand what is causing her emotions, and learn to work with them.

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a posting where I said that the number one cause of depression in women is poor self image (Building Her Up). At that time, I suggested that you compliment her, to help overcome the attack that society puts on her self-esteem. That’s one way of working with her emotions, but there’s more.

It’s commonly understood that women have a few emotionally rough days right before their menstrual period. For most of us, that’s a good time to hang out at the bowling alley or go on a fishing trip. We look for anything we can do to avoid being in the line of fire. For others, that’s when the couple has the most fights. Either answer isn’t the best; actually either answer is destructive to the marriage relationship.

The first thing we should all do is track our wife’s menstrual cycle on a calendar. Every month, the day that her cycle starts, put a “P” on the calendar, that’s it. After a few months, you can check the interval. Since most women have a very regular cycle, you’ll probably find that she’s menstruating every 28 to 30 days.

That’s important information. Starting three days before her next menstrual period, you can expect that she’s going to go crazy. She’ll be depressed, moody, irritable and otherwise not much fun to be around.

Let me change the perspective on that a bit. If she’s not much fun to be around, that means that it’s not much fun to be her, either. She needs a little bit of extra grace during those days. When she’s moody and it seems like she’s trying to get into a fight, realize that it isn’t her, it isn’t you, it isn’t the kids, it’s her hormones. Cut her a little slack; and whatever you do, don’t take anything she says during those days seriously.

There’s more that you can do for her as well. If you know those days are coming, plan things so as to lighten her load during that critical time. Don’t plan dinner parties and other special activities. Don’t start a major project together. Don’t take a trip.

In fact, you should do the opposite. If there’s ever a time when doing acts of service for your wife, this is it. Do some of the housework, pick up dinner, run the kids to their events; whatever you can do to take some of the stress off her. That will make this time easier for her and easier for the whole family as well.

She may not thank you or show her appreciation at that time; but you can be sure that she’ll appreciate it. More than anything though, she’ll have an easier time getting through those difficult days. She’ll know it’s because of you and she’ll be grateful.

Play a Little

Yesterday, I was talking about how the pressures of time, workload and fatigue can cause depression in our wives. I told you that you need to keep an eye on your wife’s schedule and energy levels, making sure that she gets enough rest; even if that means that you have to take up some of the load. Well, today I’d like to deal with another aspect of rest, something that you can do for her, to help dispel a bit of the stress. It’s called play.

That’s right, play sin't just for kids, it's an important part of maintaining a healthy outlook on life. It is one of the better stress relievers out there; and better yet, it doesn’t have the harmful effects of drugs and alcohol. It just gives us a way to burn up the adrenalin in our systems and get our minds off of the problem.

Now, not just any type of play is going to work; you’re going to have to find the right sort. Playing a Risk or Monopoly really isn’t going to work; nor is going to a concert or fancy party. While some might think of those things as play, they have one fault in common; it’s possible to do them, while still thinking about all the problems around you and all the things you should be doing, if you weren’t wasting your time playing.

For play to be an effective means of stress elimination, it has to be so encompassing that there isn’t time to think about those problems and things that need to get done. Are there games like that? You bet!

I think one of the best adult games for capturing our minds and getting us focused is a pillow fight. Yep, that’s what I said, a pillow fight. Another really good one is a water fight. For that matter, laser tag and Nerf wars also accomplish the same thing. Why do these work? They work because we quickly become totally immersed in the game. We’re so focused on winning; that we don’t have time to think about other things.

A real help in capturing her thoughts with these games is to catch her by surprise. Now, you’ve got to be a bit careful about this. You’re not going to get the results you want if you catch her by surprise with your Super Soaker when she’s coming home from the beauty shop. You’ll get a reaction, but it won’t be the one you want. Nor does it work well to try and start a Nerf war at 11:00 at night, right when she collapses on the couch, devoid of energy.

Whatever you do, don’t go out of your way to let her win. It’s okay if she wins, but not if you just give her the victory. There’s a big difference between the two. Handing her the victory on a silver platter is just going to make her feel like you’re patronizing her, killing the fun.

I’m probably going to get myself in trouble with the ladies for this one, but it’s actually helpful to your wife to lose. Yes, that’s what I said. In fact, it’s even more helpful to her if she’s ever been sexually abused. Let me explain. Women who have been sexually abused feel like they have to keep everything under control. Losing control can make them panic. But, when they discover that they can’t be in control, because there is someone stronger, it helps them to relax and stop trying to carry the weight of the world on their shoulders.

I know that sounds a bit backwards, but it’s true. Women in general struggle with their emotions. It’s not that they try and be emotional; it’s that their emotions tend to control them. That can be dangerous, especially when those emotions are negative ones.

By winning, you take control away from her. Take that moment to hug and kiss her; ravish her with your kisses. Help her to relax in knowing that although she lost, she’s found a safe place to be. That will help her immensely. Knowing she’s in a place of safety will go a long way towards eliminating the stress that was eating her up.

Don’t be surprised if she starts talking about what was bothering her. If she feels secure in that moment, she’ll probably open up quite a bit. Listen well; you may find out some very important things; things which will help you understand how to keep her from getting stressed out the next time.

Midnight Massage

Ever have one of those days? I’m sure you know what I mean; one of those days that just seem to go on forever, with nothing really going right. Oh yeah, they’re called Mondays; that’s right. Seems like they come around once a week to get us; generally right after we’ve enjoyed our weekend. Why is it that Monday’s think that they’ve got the right to steal the joy of our weekends, anyway?

Well, guess what? If Mondays get to you, there’s a pretty good chance that they get to your wife as well. She faces the same problems, the same difficult people and the same shock in switching from weekend mode to work week mode as you do.

We’ve talked about making Friday night our date night and helping her to unwind on Fridays, so that she’s ready for the weekend; but what about Mondays? I think it would be rather difficult to make Mondays into a date night as well. So, that idea’s out; but that doesn’t mean that we can’t do anything on Mondays to help her get over the shock of staring work once again.

Since Mondays are stressful, it seems to me that we need a stress-busting activity to help her get through it. Of course, it would be even better if it was a stress-busting activity that worked for both of us; but let’s concentrate on her for the moment. Maybe, after her stress is gone, she’ll reciprocate in kind.

So, when was the last time you gave your wife a massage? I mean, a real massage, not just rubbing her shoulders for a minute or so. We’re talking full body massage here, from her neck down to the soles of her feet.

Well, why not give her one tonight. Wait till the kids go to bed and have at it. Dig out the massage oil and the vibratory massager, and help her bleed away all the stress of her Monday. Turn your bedroom into a massage parlor, complete with some soft music, low lighting, and of course, the expert masseuse… you.

Okay, to do this right, she’s going to have to get rid of all those clothes that are in the way. Have her lay on the bed, face down, and turn on the massager. Take your time to run it all over her body, concentrating on her shoulders, spine and lower back. If she spends a lot of time on her feet, make sure you get her calves real well too. Work the knots out of her muscles, going back over those critical areas, to hit them again.

Don’t stop there. Now grab the massage oil and start working on her with your hands. Once again, be sure to get the shoulders, lower back and legs. Take a few minutes to work on the soles of her feet; just don’t tickle them. You should have her purring in no time. 

Don't Take it Out on Her

All of us are overtaken by bad days once in a while. Let’s face it, life has problems. As long as we’re living on the earth, we’re going to be faced with things which try and ruin our day. We’re going to have to put up with annoying co-workers, demanding bosses, difficult customers and cars which break down at the wrong time. It’s just part of life.

While we can’t control the things that happen to us and around us, we can control how we react to them. If I were to throw a bucket of cold water over you, you might yell back at me, “You’ve made me wet and you’ve made me mad.” But, that wouldn’t be true. All I did was to make you wet; you decided to get mad all on your own. You could have chosen to laugh at it instead.

Most people think that they don’t have any control over their anger or depression, but in fact we do. We can choose not to be angry, offended or depressed; we don’t have to let those things control us. Don’t try and tell me that you’ve never held it inside when your boss or co-worker did something that made you want to yell at them. How could you keep from yelling at them, if you don’t have any control over yourself?

The reality is that we keep ourselves from reacting, when we think that the cost of the reaction will be too high. Yelling at the boss might carry the price tag of ending up on unemployment, so we try and avoid that one. Instead of yelling at those people, we take it home and yell at our families.

Throughout history, wives have had to put up with husbands who took out their problems on them. That’s really not fair, but that hasn’t stopped it from happening. Men who can’t blow up at work, instead wait till they get home and blow up at their wives. Why in the world would anyone ever choose to do that?

Actually, we don’t really choose to blow up at our wives instead of our bosses. What we do is choose not to blow up at our bosses. Then, when we get home, we feel safe. So, what we had bottled up inside all day ends up coming out at those who are closest to us. Something they do irritates us, and instead of reacting rationally and reacting at an appropriate level for the problem, we react irrationally, allowing all the pain and frustration we had bottled up inside to come out at our wives.

This is fundamentally destructive to the marriage relationship. Many women get to a point where they are afraid to talk to their husbands, because of the way that their husband is going to react. Communication begins to break down and the couple grows farther apart.

Okay, so how do we fix the problem? First of all, you need to be honest with yourself and decide whether or not you’ve done this. Then, if you have, go to your wife, repent and ask her forgiveness. Let her know that you’re aware of what you’ve done and that you’re going to work on changing that in the future.

The easiest way to prevent yourself from repeating that poor performance is to find a way of getting rid of the negative attitude, without dumping it on your wife. There are a number of ways in which you can do this, such as:

• Forgive the person – you’d be amazed what the simple act of saying “I forgive them” can do
• Spend time in prayer – the more you pray, the less things can bother you
• Spend time in worship – the presence of the Lord is a great cleanser for the heart
• Physical activity – while not a very spiritual option, many men find that exercise helps them release the tension

Often, the best thing we can do, until we can deal with the frustration and anger is to keep our mouths shut. That way, we don’t dump on anyone. Then, if you need to get alone, away from your wife and kids, so that you can get rid of the negative feelings, do so. Just let them know that you need some time alone.

Don’t use this as an excuse to ignore your family. You should be able to deal with your problem within a half hour. If it takes longer than that, you’re probably rehearsing the offense in your mind, rather than trying to get rid of it.

Once you’ve gotten rid of the tension and problem and straightened out your attitude, then you’re ready to deal with your family in the way that they deserve. This will protect your marriage, keep your wife from feeling unloved and keep you from destroying any “points” you’ve gained with your wife for being romantic.

Save Her from the Stress

Just in case you haven’t noticed, life contains a surfeit of stress. Yes, it’s true, we all face problems, each and every day. Even the people you might think don’t have problems to worry about; movie stars, athletes and rich people all have problems. In fact, most of them have more problems to deal with than you and I do.

Stress can cause us a number of problems; everything from eating disorders, to high blood pressure, to total emotional breakdowns. It appears that these problems are even worse for women, than they are for men. Of course, none of us need these problems and we need even less for our wives to have them.

As men, we actually need a bit of stress to function. A man without any stress is called a couch potato. He just sits on the sofa, channel surfing, and calling out to his wife to bring him another Coke when his bottle runs dry. Stress is what causes us to get off the sofa and do something with our lives.

Not so for women. There’s a definite difference between how men and women deal with stress. While men can set a problem for which they don’t have an answer aside, women can’t do that. That problem grows and grows before their eyes, becoming bigger and bigger, until it’s all they can see. Instead of being able to deal with it, they often get to a point where all they are doing is worrying about it.

Now, I’m not saying that women aren’t capable of getting things done. We’re not talking the 1850s here, where women were thought of as being incapable of doing anything. Women are just as capable to deal with things as we are, sometimes even more so. What I’m talking about is how dealing with those things can affect them. By and large, women are far more skilled at worrying then men are. So, when faced with a problem, they tend to worry.

By the way, that’s why women nag their husbands; they see the problem, but they don’t see their husbands doing anything about it. The fact that you’re mulling it over in your mind or waiting for something to arrive, which you need to solve the problem, doesn’t count. She can’t see it, so it isn’t happening.

Part of our responsibility as men is to protect our wives. While that clearly means protecting them from physical harm, I’d have to say that it goes much farther than that. One of the areas where I have found it important to protect my wife is in the area of stress. Her mother is a world-class champion worrier, and she taught both her daughters well. So, it is very easy for my wife to fall into that habit. If I don’t protect her from worry and stress, it can destroy her.

One of the biggest areas of worry and stress for most couples is in the area of finances. It bothers me when I see couples in which the woman is the one handling the finances. Not because she’s not capable, but because of the stress which is associated with that job. If you ask these couples why they are doing things that way, they either answer that he’s irresponsible or she’s a better administrator.

Okay, those sounds like good reasons, but are they really? If that’s causing her stress, which ultimately leads to health problems, are they making a good decision? Wouldn’t it be better for everyone if he learned how to take care of the finances, so that she wouldn’t have to?

In our home, I do that. Now, I don’t keep my wife totally in the dark about our finances, she knows all of our accounts and about how much the bills are every month. She knows in general how much income we have (it varies from month to month). But, I never burden her with “I don’t know how we’re going to pay for this.” Instead, I figure out how we’re going to do it, and let her know. I take on the responsibility, instead of dumping it on her.

I’m not saying that she has no say in our finances, either; she does. When we sign up for some service or membership or whatever, it’s usually because she wants to. She comes to me, tells me what she wants, and I determine if we can afford it. If not, I tell her. If she still wants it, then we sit down together to decide what we’re going to give up, so that we can afford it.

When we run into a situation where money is a little tight, I just tell my wife that we need to be careful about our spending for the next few weeks. I don’t get into detail; I don’t dump it on her: I just tell her to put off any unnecessary spending for a bit. Likewise, for things like Christmas shopping and going on vacation; I tell her what we can afford to spend, and that’s what we work with.

Please don’t get me wrong here. I’m not treating my wife like a child or treating her like she’s irresponsible. What I’m trying to do is protect her from the stress associated with dealing with our finances. Our books are open. She can ask me at any time what we have and what we don’t have. She can ask me if such-and-such a bill has been paid. She can know how much cash I have in my wallet (and there’s no “she money” in there). I’m just protecting her.

How can a woman, who doesn’t feel secure in the family finances, feel secure in her marriage? She can’t. That’s why I’m protecting her. I want her to feel secure, that she doesn’t have to worry and that everything is going to be all right.

Maybe you can’t do it the same way that I am. You have to find what works for you. But, I will tell you this; if you have your wife paying the bills, you’re wrong. You’re dumping your responsibility on her, along with all the stress that goes with it. Learn how to take care of things, so that your wife can relax and feel secure. That will help her feel loved, as well.