Midnight Massage

Ever have one of those days? I’m sure you know what I mean; one of those days that just seem to go on forever, with nothing really going right. Oh yeah, they’re called Mondays; that’s right. Seems like they come around once a week to get us; generally right after we’ve enjoyed our weekend. Why is it that Monday’s think that they’ve got the right to steal the joy of our weekends, anyway?

Well, guess what? If Mondays get to you, there’s a pretty good chance that they get to your wife as well. She faces the same problems, the same difficult people and the same shock in switching from weekend mode to work week mode as you do.

We’ve talked about making Friday night our date night and helping her to unwind on Fridays, so that she’s ready for the weekend; but what about Mondays? I think it would be rather difficult to make Mondays into a date night as well. So, that idea’s out; but that doesn’t mean that we can’t do anything on Mondays to help her get over the shock of staring work once again.

Since Mondays are stressful, it seems to me that we need a stress-busting activity to help her get through it. Of course, it would be even better if it was a stress-busting activity that worked for both of us; but let’s concentrate on her for the moment. Maybe, after her stress is gone, she’ll reciprocate in kind.

So, when was the last time you gave your wife a massage? I mean, a real massage, not just rubbing her shoulders for a minute or so. We’re talking full body massage here, from her neck down to the soles of her feet.

Well, why not give her one tonight. Wait till the kids go to bed and have at it. Dig out the massage oil and the vibratory massager, and help her bleed away all the stress of her Monday. Turn your bedroom into a massage parlor, complete with some soft music, low lighting, and of course, the expert masseuse… you.

Okay, to do this right, she’s going to have to get rid of all those clothes that are in the way. Have her lay on the bed, face down, and turn on the massager. Take your time to run it all over her body, concentrating on her shoulders, spine and lower back. If she spends a lot of time on her feet, make sure you get her calves real well too. Work the knots out of her muscles, going back over those critical areas, to hit them again.

Don’t stop there. Now grab the massage oil and start working on her with your hands. Once again, be sure to get the shoulders, lower back and legs. Take a few minutes to work on the soles of her feet; just don’t tickle them. You should have her purring in no time. 

Take the Time to Listen

I remember an episode of the TV program “Doc.” A woman patient had complained about eye problems and the star of the show asked for her mascara (that’s the makeup women use on their eyelashes, for anyone who doesn’t know). He sniffed it and told her to throw it out and buy a new one, it was rancid. She was impressed and asked how he knew that the problem was her mascara. He responded, “I just listened to you.”

The next day, when he arrived at the clinic, he found the waiting room filled with that woman’s friends. They hadn’t come for any medical reason, just that they wanted to see him, like an animal in the zoo. They were all impressed in seeing a man who actually listened.

Women all over the world complain that their husbands never listen to them. While I think that might be slightly exaggerated, I’d have to agree that it’s based on a core truth, men basically don’t take the time to listen to their wives. All too often, we tune them out, making their words part of the background, while we think about something else.

Granted, a lot of what a woman says may seem like unimportant drivel to us guys; but it isn’t to them. Just because we’re not interested in what Suzie said about Megan doesn’t mean that our wives don’t consider it of grave importance; in fact, it might actually be important.

The thing is, right in the middle of talking about the local gossip, her problems dealing with the kids and the delivery man and all the other things that our wives talk about, they do talk about things that are important to both of us. It’s just that we have to filter out the filler, and concentrate on mining out those nuggets.

I can just see it now, a couple are talking over dinner, or should I say that she’s talking over dinner, while he’s staring off into space. Right in the middle of everything else, she drops in a sentence about how she hit a concrete post in the car that day; then she goes on to speak about other things. Because her husband isn’t listening, he misses that detail and writes off the whole conversation to his wife just using up her daily quota of words.

The next day, he gets up and as he’s leaving for work, he sees her car, with the front fender bashed in. Yelling, he storms back into the house and throws open the door to their bedroom, confronting his wife. “Why didn’t you tell me you got in an accident yesterday?” To which she responds, “I told you last night at dinner.” Of course, he doesn’t believe her, even though it’s the truth; because he hadn’t been paying attention to all the other things she said.

Listening is an acquired skill. You really can learn to listen to your wife; filtering out the unnecessary and concentrating on the important. Regardless of what you think, it’s not torture to listen to her; you actually used to like to do it when you were dating.

The key isn’t so much letting her words enter into your ears, it’s in paying attention to the message those words are conveying. It doesn’t count as listening to be sitting there while she’s talking, but you’re thinking about something else. To be listening, you need to take the time to focus your attention on her, paying attention to her words.

Women need their husbands to hear them. This is an actual need, not just a desire. Their emotional stability depends upon the ability to get things off of their hearts. That’s what listening to her does. When she’s sitting there over dinner, talking about everything that went wrong in her day, she’s not looking for solutions, she’s looking to unload her heart, so that she can feel better. Just letting her talk about it does her a world of good.

Do you realize that’s all psychologists do? They get paid the big bucks to sit there and let people talk about their problems. They don’t solve anyone’s problems. They don’t have any magical answers; they just listen.

Your wife doesn’t need some high-priced shrink to hear what she says; she needs you to do so. That will give her the outlet she needs, and you might even find out a few things that you need to know. Listen to her.

Making Your Strengths Available to Her

There’s an old saying about relationships, which says that opposites attract. While that often causes us frustration, it is actually a rather important part of making a couple work well together. Unfortunately, all too often, we let the frustration overcome the benefits, allowing those differences to pit us against one another, instead of using them to benefit one another.

I remember the very first couple who came to my wife and I for marriage counseling. She started off by saying, “every time the Lord shows me something from the Bible and I share it with my husband, he comes back with something totally different.” My response to that was, “What a blessing.” You see, while she was seeing it as disagreement between the two of them, I was seeing it as a way for them to receive more. If she learned one thing from the verse and he learned another; when they shared what they learned, they’d have twice as much.

That short discussion illustrates so well the way that we typically approach our differences. Instead of seeing those differences as strengths that we can use to help our spouse, we all tend to see them as points of contention. As long as we’re busy arguing about our differences, we’ll never gain anything from them.

It takes time and effort to learn to understand those differences and how they can be a help. My wife and I have catalogued a whole list of differences between us. But, instead of me getting frustrated with her, because she’s not as organized as I am, we have come to realize that when it comes time to organize something, I’m the one to do it. I don’t berate her lack of ability, I use my ability for her benefit.

One of the areas in which my wife is much stronger than I am is in research. When I get on the Internet, looking for some data about something, I get lost. Rarely can I find what I want. On the other hand, my wife can find anything on the Web. Not only that, but she enjoys spending hours doing so. Me? I’m bored after five minutes.

Each and every difference, characteristic and ability that we find in ourselves and each other exists for a purpose. When we learn how to use those, differences to the benefit of the couple, then we start to become strong. Then we begin to see a multiplication of our ability. Then we truly start to advance.

When you see that your wife isn’t as good as you are at something, don’t belittle her for it; see it as an area where you can help her. I don’t mean helping her by teaching her how to have your strength, but by using your strength for her benefit. If your wife needs to us the computer for her work, but isn’t all that good at it, help her. Develop aids which will make it easier for her. Find better ways for her. Even do some of the work for her, if that’s what it takes.

You see, marriage isn’t about what you can do as an individual; it’s about what you can do as a couple. If helping her do something makes you more successful as a couple, then it’s worth doing; in fact, it’s probably more worth doing than what you do to make yourself successful as an individual.

Let her benefit from your strengths. Don’t just expect her to be a help to you; become a help to her. Is that romantic? You bet it is. It’s romantic, because it helps you to function as one in your daily life. 

Don't Take it Out on Her

All of us are overtaken by bad days once in a while. Let’s face it, life has problems. As long as we’re living on the earth, we’re going to be faced with things which try and ruin our day. We’re going to have to put up with annoying co-workers, demanding bosses, difficult customers and cars which break down at the wrong time. It’s just part of life.

While we can’t control the things that happen to us and around us, we can control how we react to them. If I were to throw a bucket of cold water over you, you might yell back at me, “You’ve made me wet and you’ve made me mad.” But, that wouldn’t be true. All I did was to make you wet; you decided to get mad all on your own. You could have chosen to laugh at it instead.

Most people think that they don’t have any control over their anger or depression, but in fact we do. We can choose not to be angry, offended or depressed; we don’t have to let those things control us. Don’t try and tell me that you’ve never held it inside when your boss or co-worker did something that made you want to yell at them. How could you keep from yelling at them, if you don’t have any control over yourself?

The reality is that we keep ourselves from reacting, when we think that the cost of the reaction will be too high. Yelling at the boss might carry the price tag of ending up on unemployment, so we try and avoid that one. Instead of yelling at those people, we take it home and yell at our families.

Throughout history, wives have had to put up with husbands who took out their problems on them. That’s really not fair, but that hasn’t stopped it from happening. Men who can’t blow up at work, instead wait till they get home and blow up at their wives. Why in the world would anyone ever choose to do that?

Actually, we don’t really choose to blow up at our wives instead of our bosses. What we do is choose not to blow up at our bosses. Then, when we get home, we feel safe. So, what we had bottled up inside all day ends up coming out at those who are closest to us. Something they do irritates us, and instead of reacting rationally and reacting at an appropriate level for the problem, we react irrationally, allowing all the pain and frustration we had bottled up inside to come out at our wives.

This is fundamentally destructive to the marriage relationship. Many women get to a point where they are afraid to talk to their husbands, because of the way that their husband is going to react. Communication begins to break down and the couple grows farther apart.

Okay, so how do we fix the problem? First of all, you need to be honest with yourself and decide whether or not you’ve done this. Then, if you have, go to your wife, repent and ask her forgiveness. Let her know that you’re aware of what you’ve done and that you’re going to work on changing that in the future.

The easiest way to prevent yourself from repeating that poor performance is to find a way of getting rid of the negative attitude, without dumping it on your wife. There are a number of ways in which you can do this, such as:

• Forgive the person – you’d be amazed what the simple act of saying “I forgive them” can do
• Spend time in prayer – the more you pray, the less things can bother you
• Spend time in worship – the presence of the Lord is a great cleanser for the heart
• Physical activity – while not a very spiritual option, many men find that exercise helps them release the tension

Often, the best thing we can do, until we can deal with the frustration and anger is to keep our mouths shut. That way, we don’t dump on anyone. Then, if you need to get alone, away from your wife and kids, so that you can get rid of the negative feelings, do so. Just let them know that you need some time alone.

Don’t use this as an excuse to ignore your family. You should be able to deal with your problem within a half hour. If it takes longer than that, you’re probably rehearsing the offense in your mind, rather than trying to get rid of it.

Once you’ve gotten rid of the tension and problem and straightened out your attitude, then you’re ready to deal with your family in the way that they deserve. This will protect your marriage, keep your wife from feeling unloved and keep you from destroying any “points” you’ve gained with your wife for being romantic.

A Trail of Kisses

Every once in a while, I like to use chocolate in a romantic act. It could have something to do with my wife and I both being chocoholics. Then again, it could have something to do with her really craving chocolate when she was going through menopause. Whatever the reason, chocolate has long been an important part of our marriage.

I imagine that we’re not alone in this; at least the evidence seems to point that way. On Valentine’s Day, chocolate is one of the classic gifts. When a man is looking for a way to make up to his wife for some slight, chocolate is right there at the top of the list. Interestingly enough, the most popular post of all time on this blog is about chocolate as well. So, I’d have to say that there are a lot of couples out there who are as almost as much chocoholics as we are.

There’s something about Hershey’s Kisses which speak romance to me. Now, we really like the high dollar, fancy chocolate truffles; but they just don’t have that same name. C’mon, what could be more romantic than kissing? I think the Hershey family was up to something when they came up with that name. Who knows, maybe they created them to be romantic.

Hershey’s has even gone a step further and come out with a variety of different Kisses now. They’ve even got one called “Hugs.” So, you can have your hugs and kisses both in chocolate. Since my wife and I are partial to dark chocolate, we were really glad to see them come out with Hershey’s Dark Chocolate Kisses. I mean, how much more romantic can you get than that?

Okay, so what are we going to do with these wonderful, romantic candies? How about this; buy a bag of your bride’s favorite variety or more than one, and use them to make a trail. Wait until sometime when she’s out of the house, to make your trail. Start from the door she’ll be coming in, and place Kisses every four to six inches through the house. If you can find a small basket somewhere, like a miniature Easter basket, put it next to the head of the trail, so she’ll have something to put the Kisses in. Somewhere along the way, leave a small wrapped gift for your wife; but don’t let the trail end there. Have it continue to wherever you are.

Then, you can be waiting at the end of the trail, to give your bride another type of kisses. By then, she’ll probably be ready to enjoy both kinds.

Cover Her with Your Prayers

As the priests of our homes, one of the important things we need to do is make sure that we keep our wives and children in prayer. Of all the things we do as men, this has to be one of the most important. Yet, it’s hard to get men to pray, much harder than it is to get women to do so.

When we pray for our wives, it gives them a sense of security, knowing that we are seeking the greatest power in the universe, on their behalf. It is one of the most selfless acts there is; one in which we lay down our lives, in the sense of our own desires, for those of the other person.

When you pray for your wife, it’s important that she knows you are doing so. Not just that you tell her “I prayed for you today;” but that she sees and hears you doing so. Not that her hearing it will make the prayer any more effective, because it won’t. But her hearing that prayer will let her know how serious you take your responsibility to be priest over her.

God has given us as men the capacity to be aggressive and violent; not that we might use it against our families, but for them. Prayer, especially prayer to protect our families is a violent act. It’s not just mumbling some petition to God, but rather standing in the gap, rebuking all that might try and come against them. Quite literally, it’s telling the devil, if you want to get to them, you’ve got to go through me first.

Although the women’s libbers will get mad at me for saying so, God never intended for women to be alone. In ancient times, a woman who was unmarried lived at home. A widow would go back to live at home, or live with another family member. This wasn’t because of male chauvinism, but rather so that the woman would have provision and especially protection.

A woman alone is vulnerable to many attacks. Yet, women whose husbands don’t pray for them are just as vulnerable. Without her husband’s prayer covering, it is much too easy for the enemy to come after her; attacking her health, her security and especially her emotions.

Pray for your wife. Let her see you doing so. Let her know that she is so important to you, that you go to the most high on her behalf, each and every day.

Bring Her Breakfast

Saturdays are a great day to sleep in, aren’t they? Getting to take your time getting up; not having to rush to get to work; having the chance to have a leisurely cup or two of coffee. All this leisure makes Saturdays a great day to get away from the week’s regular grind.

Is Saturday morning relaxing for your wife as well? Does she get to sleep in, have her coffee and take her time starting the day? Or, does she have to get up, feed the kids and get them off to their activities?

You see, that old saying about a woman’s work never being done is the truth. There’s always something which she’s got to do; generally something that deals with taking care of your family. So, while you’re enjoying a relaxing Saturday morning, she might not be. For her, it might be just another day in which she needs to do all her usual things.

Why not make Saturday different for your wife? Why not give her the chance to sleep in, rest and take it easy? It’s really not all that hard to do. All it takes is a quick trip out to come back with breakfast. Save her the trouble of fixing breakfast, by taking a moment to go out to your favorite place and bring it back.

Here in Texas, we have breakfast tacos available at the local convenience stores. It’s easy to run out to the corner and come back with breakfast. While that may not be the same where you are; I’m sure there’s something similar that you can find. All it takes is knowing where things are in your area.