Thursday, March 17, 2011
If Only She Knew
You know, many couples have trouble communicating their deepest feelings, and especially their deepest desires. There are things that they wish their spouse would do, but never mention it. So, for lack of mentioning, that secret desire remains secret and never gets fulfilled.
Why don’t we mention these desires? Is it embarrassment, thinking that our desires might not be the right kinds of desires to have? Is it that we don’t want to offend our spouse? Or, is it fear that once expressed, those desires won’t be realized?
Whatever the reason, lack of expressing those desires insures two things. First of all, it guarantees that they will never be fulfilled. Secondly, those unfulfilled desires can become a cancer inside of us, making us bitter. Even if the desire never gets expressed, that bitterness ends up coming out in one way or another.
Women are famous for this; their classic line is, “if he loved me, he’d know what I want.” Maybe he (we) would, but the reality is that we probably don’t know. I don’t know about you, but I’ve always thought that was rather unfair. Men’s and women’s desires are sufficiently different, that we usually don’t know the other’s desires; at least, we don’t know if we’re not told. But guys, even if we don’t express it to our wives, we think the same thing they say; we just hold it inside.
It is important to express our deepest desires to each other. You, as a man, as the leader, are going to have to take the initiative, or it will never happen. Don’t expect your wife to start this one, remember, she thinks you should just know her desires.
Okay, here’s what to do. Find a time when the two of you can sit down alone, sometime when you will both be relaxed. If you’re not relaxed, this is probably not going to work. Explain to your wife that you want to have a short time of sharing desires. Here are the rules of this time:
· Each of you only share one desire.
· You don’t say it in a way that is attacking or accusing the other partner.
· You don’t respond negatively to that desire; however positive responses are allowed.
· You may ask questions about the desire, to insure that you understand.
· Make sure you finish with one person’s desire, before the other one starts.
· Finish with an “I love you” and a kiss.
The reason why you’re only sharing one desire is so that you can have time to think about that desire, and whether you can do something to fulfill it for them. Don’t worry, she’s probably doing the same thing. This may just be the time that you can both realize your desires.
Each time you do this, only share one desire; that way, there’s an opportunity to work on doing something about those desires. There might be some that you can’t complete for her, or that she can’t complete for you. In those cases, make sure that you tell each other, so that the other one doesn’t have the opportunity to think that you didn’t want to do it for lack of love.