Thursday, April 28, 2011
Watch Your Eyes
Many men think that they’ve got some sort of license to gawk at women, especially young good-looking ones. Marriage doesn’t seem to take this license away. You’ve probably heard one of your buddies or co-workers say, “Just because I’m married doesn’t mean I can’t look” at one time or another.
I’ve got to disagree with that statement on three points. First of all, while the looking probably isn’t all that bad, what kind of thoughts is he entertaining while he’s looking? I’m sure he’s not thinking about her intellect or her spirituality. No, he’s thinking about her body. Jesus made it very clear in Gospel of Matthew (Matt 5:28) that thinking lustfully about a woman is the same as committing adultery. But even if we leave the Bible out of it, how can anyone honestly say that looking at another woman, and thinking about having sex with her, is staying faithful to their wife?
The second disagreement I have with that statement is in how it will affect your attitude towards your wife. Looking at other women starts you making comparisons between them and your wife. I guarantee you; you can always find other women with bigger breasts, a smaller waist, nicer hair, a prettier face, or whatever than your wife. Hopefully you didn’t just fall in love with her for her looks, but even so, comparing her with others is going to give you a more negative attitude towards her.
Finally, I disagree with that statement because it can hurt your wife. Anything done intentionally, that has the ability to hurt another, can’t be done out of love. How would your wife feel if she was with you, while you were gawking at other women? Would she feel loved and cherished? Would she feel as if she’s important to you? I think not.
Granted, I realize as guys, our eyes are naturally drawn to women, especially women with good figures. That doesn’t mean that we have to keep looking at them though. Nor does it mean that we have to entertain all those sexual thoughts that just seem to pop into our heads.
I must confess, I have an advantage over most of you. When I go to the beach or a swimming pool, all I have to do is take off my glasses. Then, unless they get right in my face, I really can’t see well enough to tell if they have a great figure or not. Oh, I can still tell which ones are skinny and which ones are fat. I can tell which ones have on a two piece bathing suit; but, I really can’t see them as well as some of me would like.
I’ve found another couple of tricks that help me out on this. First of all, I’ve explained to my wife how men are visually stimulated and that the most beautiful thing to a man is a naked woman. Since she understands my struggle (at least to some extent) she is able to help me.
One way that my wife helps me is to make sure I see her. In other words, she dresses in a way to attract my eye, so that my eye isn’t attracted to other women as easily. Many years ago, we had a symbolic nightgown burning, where we got rid of all her long flannel night gowns and sweat suits. Now, maybe you like to see your wife dressed like that, but I don’t. So, she dresses in a way that attracts me, both in the bedroom and out.
The second way my wife helps me is to protect me from those other women. Let me give you an example. Once when we were at a swimming pool with our kids, this woman walked into my field of vision in a hot pink bikini. Where she was standing was about 10 feet behind my wife, so I couldn’t look at my wife, without seeing her. So, we changed places; then my wife had to look at her, instead of me.
Finally, I have found it very helpful to be honest with my wife about these issues. It is a protection to my mind and heart when I let her know if there are other women who are accidentally or intentionally drawing my attention. Back in my engineering days, I had a clerk at the office who seemed like she was really trying to get my attention, so I told my wife. Another time, a woman at work came up behind me at a desk and started rubbing her breasts on my shoulder, not only did I get out of there quickly, but I told my wife.
Just the simple act of letting her know about those things eliminates their destructive power. No longer can those things be used against me, nor will my mind linger on them. I can then focus on my wife that much more.
It’s important to let your wife know that she is the only woman for you. Many women are insecure and will wonder if you are looking at others, thinking about others, or even doing things with others. Letting her know that your eyes and your hands are only on her will help her feel secure in your marriage relationship. Without that security, she can’t feel loved.