Using What You Learn

Everything you learn about your wife can be turned into a romantic act. In fact, the better you know your wife, the more romantic you can be. That’s because there is nobody else in the world who knows your wife like you do. As you study her, you become the world’s premier expert on… her.

Yes, I know, the movies paint the idea that to be romantic one needs to be a tall, dark stranger; but that’s not really true. While there is some element of romance associated with mystery, it doesn’t hold a candle to the romance that can be cooked up by someone who truly knows their spouse. That’s because that stranger has to work on generalities, while you can work on those things that you know your wife desires in her heart.

Day 49 – Yesterday, you had a “dream conversation” with your wife; discussing something imaginary that the two of you would like to do, if you could. In the process, you learned things about your wife that nobody else knows. You learned about her likes, her hopes, and more importantly, her dream.

Now you need to make use of that new information you learned. How can you take that dream and make it reality; or at least create something that will feed that dream?

There was once a television show called “Fantasy Island.” In it, people paid big bucks to be able to have their dreams brought about. Of course, things never turned out quite like they wanted, but I’d have to say that they always turned out good in the end. Well, now it’s your chance to be the host of that fantasy.

You’re going to have to use your imagination on this one. Take what you learned and try to find some way of making it reality, or at least a good fantasy. For example, if you were talking about your dream vacation, and your wife said she always wanted to go on a cruise, stop by a travel agency and pick up some brochures about cruises. Take your wife in the bedroom, close the door, and sit on the bed together, looking at the literature you found. Who knows, you might end up figuring out a way to make that cruise happen.

Let’s try another example. Instead of the vacation idea, what if you were talking about your dream house. In that talk, your wife said she wanted a Jacuzzi in the house. Well, looks like today’s a good day to start looking at Jacuzzis. Stop by a couple of places with her, and see what’s available. Maybe you can’t make your whole house into a dream house, but you might be able to make one corner of it.

You see what I mean? There’s always some way that you can use the information from those “dream conversations” to make your marriage a little bit better. Isn’t that what romance is all about anyway?

Talking From the Heart… Huh?

I think the most dreaded words that a man can hear from his wife are, “Honey, we’ve got to talk.” It seems that women never say this famous phrase when they want to talk about something light, or even talk about the kids; and especially not when they want to talk about something fun. No, they reserve that most dreaded of phrases for times when they want to talk about problems in their marriage relationship.

How is it that manly men, such as combat veterans, construction workers, hunters, and mountain climbers can fall into terror about such a short, simple phrase? It’s because we know that whatever comes after that is going to challenge us to communicate in a way that we are unprepared to face.

When women talk about talking, they’re talking about communicating emotions with words. For a woman, that’s an incredibly easy thing to do; but for a man, it’s a major struggle. The difference comes from the difference in how our brains operate. You’ve probably heard this somewhere, but it’s worth repeating. The left hemisphere of the brain is the logical side, where men basically think. The right side of the brain is the creative, emotional side, where women basically think.

The problem really isn’t that we think on different sides of the brain, although that in and of itself can cause plenty of problems. The problem is in the connections (or lack thereof) between the two sides of the brain. You see, women have thousands of connections between the two halves of the brain, allowing them to jump back and forth from one side to the other. On the other hand, men have very few connections between the two sides.

So, when a woman says, “let’s talk” they are wanting an emotionally based conversation; something that is very easy and natural for them; but something that men literally and truly have a problem doing. How do we ever manage to communicate?

Day 48 – Okay, today we’re going to have a lesson on learning how to communicate from the heart. You wife will love this, and you’ll find that it’s really not all that hard, if you approach it the right way.

Remember when you were dating your wife? What did you talk about then? Don’t try and tell me you didn’t talk much, I know better; you talked for hours. In fact, there were probably a few nights that you talked till the sun came up. So, what was it that you talked about for all those long hours?

Don’t remember. Well, let me help you out; you talked about your dreams; that’s what you talked about.

You know, it’s kind of strange, but before marriage we talk about dreams, and then once we make it through the wedding, we quickly forget how to talk about those same dreams. Oh, they may still be there, but they are buried under the problems of day-to-day life. So, instead of talking about dreams, we end up talking about problems. Obviously, it’s much more fun to talk about dreams than it is to talk about problems.

So, let’s relearn how to talk about dreams. One great thing about this is that all dreams come from the heart. That means that when you talk about dreams, you’re communicating from the heart, exactly the kind of communication your wife wants. Ready, let’s go.

The key to talking about dreams is to talk about something that isn’t real; not only isn’t real, but probably can’t be real. Let me give you some ideas of topics of conversation, which are all “dream conversations:”

·        If we had a million dollars, what would we want to do with it?

·        If we could change one bad thing in the world, what would be the most important thing to change?

·        If we could go on vacation anywhere in the world, to see and do anything we’d want to do, where would we go? What would we do? (leave cost out of this conversation)

·        If we had only 30 days to live, what would we do with that time?

·        If we could build a house any way we wanted (ignore cost) how would we want to design our house? What would we want in it?

·        If God would let us do one thing, anything, what would it be?

I hope you’re getting the idea here. If you don’t see anything in my list that you like, make up your own question, the idea is to have a question to start the dream conversation.

Now, take your wife out someplace to eat, or for desert, or even for a coffee, and make this question the subject of your conversation. You’ll quickly find that you are actually talking from the heart. Your wife will love it, and you’ll actually enjoy it too.

One rule: Remember, there’s no such thing as a bad dream. So, whatever either of you answer is a good answer; don’t scoff her ideas just because they are different than yours. Maybe you can find a way to integrate your ideas together and make one dream out of them.

Finally, don’t do this just once; this is a great way to build the communication between the two of you; make this a regular part of dating your wife.

Start in the Kitchen

There was a book written a number of years ago, that I never read, but I’ve always liked the title and the concept of this book. I can’t remember the exact title right now, because I’m used to talking about it in Spanish; but it went something like, “Begin in the Kitchen.” The idea was that lovemaking doesn’t begin in the bedroom, but in the kitchen.

I’m not saying that a couple should make love in the kitchen; although if the kids are away, and the curtains are closed, and that’s what you want to do, go for it. No, the idea is that the things we do outside the bedroom are the preparation for what we do in the bedroom.

Day 47 – How many opportunities do we miss in the average day to have some sort of expression of love? At times, even though we live in the same house, we live as strangers, all but ignoring each other. Well, today we are going to change that.

One of the most common ways of expressing love is thought touch. I’m not talking about sexual touch right now, just touch. Many women complain that the only time their husbands touch them is when it’s sexual. That shouldn’t be. Women’s skin is more sensitive than a man’s, so they are naturally receptive to and affected by touch.

A light touch is the thing that works best; so light, that it’s like a feather. My wife loves it when I touch the back of her neck like this. She also loves it when I touch her back and legs the same way, although there’s usually clothing in the way of that. But, for her, the back of the neck is the place.

Since we have our office in the home, I have lots of opportunities throughout the day to walk past my wife’s desk while she is working; or if not there, then in the kitchen. I need to get up about once an hour to walk around for a moment, and I almost always use the opportunity to pass by where she is, touch the back of her neck, or possibly kiss her there, and go on to whatever I was going to do.

I also take advantage of the opportunities that present themselves to hug her. We typically pass each other by a couple of times per day. If at all possible (such as our hands aren’t full of stuff) I take the opportunity for a spontaneous hug.

The point is to make a habit of touching your wife in a loving, non-sexual way. Each and every time you do that, you are transmitting love to her; maybe not verbally, but just the same, the message can get through. 

What You Used to Do

It seems like there’s something that happens to all of us once we settle into the routine of being married. That is, we forget to do the things we did before. You know, those fun things, the romantic things, even the crazy things we did when we were dating.

Part of falling in love is about the person you fall in love with; another part is about the interests you share; but another part is about the things you do together. Those fun and crazy things you did when you were dating had an important part in bonding you together, and bringing you to the altar on your wedding day.

One of the most common pieces of advice that we give to couples whom we are helping through marriage problems is to go back to doing the things that made them fall in love the first time. You see, before the wedding, our lives together are about fun, exploring, learning about the other person, and sharing our dreams. After the wedding, or at least after the honeymoon, that changes to sharing chores, worries about money, and all the other things that are involved in just living.

Day 46 – Your mission, should you decide to accept it is in two parts: The first is to make a pot of coffee, and sit down with your wife to take a trip down memory lane; talking about the things you did when you were dating. Don’t let her know, but take mental notes on this trip. Each and every thing that she talks about is an opportunity for a romantic date with your wife.

Part two of today’s mission is to pick one thing out of your trip down memory lane, that you can do today, and do it! Not something that takes you two weeks of planning, but something that you can do as a spur-of-the-moment activity. Maybe there was a favorite ice cream parlor that you used to go to, or a favorite place to go for walks at sunset, or even something as silly as going to a furniture store and looking at the furniture that you’d like to have “some day.” The actual activity isn’t as important as the memories that it brings, and the feelings that it can stir up. 

Surprise Her at the Office

Romantic acts don’t have to be expensive, nor do they have to be time consuming. Quite often, everyday activities can be turned into something romantic, just by the way we do it. Remember, what makes it romantic is that you are showing your wife that you are thinking about her. 

Day 45 – How many times do we lament that we spend more time with our co-workers than we do with our spouses? I remember back when I was working as an engineer, and we’d go out to lunch at least once a week. Then I was promoted to engineering manager, and we went out to lunch every day. At the same time in my life, my wife and I had trouble finding time to go out together.

It seems like Friday is the one day of the week when everybody goes out to lunch. So, instead of going out with the guys at the office, and your wife going out with the girls; surprise her and pick her up for lunch. It may not be a very long date, but it will be the most memorable lunch she’s had all year. 

Christmas Kisses

Sometimes, old traditions can add to romance, or at least remind us to be romantic. There’s something about revisiting the style and custom of those days that can spark our imaginations; and bring out the romantic side of even the most cynical of us.

In today’s hustle-and-bustle word of plastic and electronics, we sometimes lose the special moments and things that made holidays sparkle in times past. Whatever happened to stringing popcorn and cranberries to put on the tree? Why don’t people make their own ornaments for the tree any more? Or, how about Christmas carolers sharing the Christmas cheer? Whatever happened to hanging mistletoe in a doorway?

Maybe we need to slow down and revisit some of these old Christmas traditions; they might awaken the poet deep within us.

Day 44 – Let’s start our Christmas season by hanging some mistletoe somewhere in the house. A few good ideas might be: just inside the doorway, so that you have to kiss each other when you come in the door; in the kitchen, so that you’ve got a good excuse to interrupt each other and take a kiss break; or in the hallway, so that every time you pass you have to stop to kiss.

Take good advantage of that mistletoe; there’s no such thing as too many kisses. At least, I’ve never seen any medical data saying that too many kisses cause cancer. As a matter of fact, who says that the mistletoe has to come down with the other decorations? Why not “accidentally forget” it and leave it up all year long; that way, you can give Christmas Kisses every day of the year.

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I must be honest, this idea wasn’t an original; I give credit to Joasia, a high-school classmate and dance partner. She wrote me that her husband “accidentally forgot” to take the mistletoe down last year. Then, when they were remodeling the kitchen he “accidentally moved it,” and hung it in another part of the house.

A Sign of Your Love

Women love being told that they are loved; even more being told that they are loved when others can hear it. Not only does that make them feel loved, it also makes them feel special.

I’ll never understand it, there are many couples who fight in front of their kids, and talk bad about each other in public. Yet, those same couples are ashamed to say “I love you” or to kiss each other where others might see them. To me, it’d be much more embarrassing to have someone else see my wife and I fighting than it would be to have them see that we love each other.

My kids used to tease us about kissing. But, they felt secure in knowing that we loved each other. The couple of times we pretended to fight in front of them, they saw right through it and laughed at us.

We should never be ashamed to express our love for our wives. We should be willing to shout it from the rooftops. Let everyone else be jealous that they don’t have that kind of love, or that they don’t have the guts to shout of their love; that’ll just make your doing it all that more special. Your wife will feel like the most special woman around.

Day 43 – You’ve probably already finished your Christmas decorating, or at least think you have. But, I think you’re missing something. You need a banner in front of your house that declares your love for your wife. Many people say that Christmas is about family and love; well, show them that you are serious about your love.

You can buy butcher paper in many office supply stores. The only problem with butcher paper is that it will likely tear with the first big wind. If you use butcher paper, you’ll need to reinforce it somehow. Another option is to use several pieces of poster board, taped together with packing tape (if you do this, just tape the back side before doing the banner, tape the front after its done). Or, for those that want a more permanent decoration, you can always paint it on plywood.

So, now that you have the background, paint a “love your wife slogan” on the banner. Something like one of these:

·        Christmas is another time to tell my wife I love her.

·        In this house, I love my wife

·        I love you _______ (insert her name)

·        Christmas is a season of love. I love ______ (insert her name)

Put it up in the front yard, sometime when your wife doesn’t know about it, and just wait for her to see it. The next time she comes back to the house, her eyes will pop out. She may express a little embarrassment in having something like that in front of the house, but she’ll be thrilled that you did it.