Don’t Take it Personal

That old saying we learned as kids, of “sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me,” has got to be one of the biggest lies ever concocted. At least the wounds created by sticks and stones will heal fairly quickly, but the wounds of words can last a lifetime. Many people’s lives have been ruined, to one degree or another, by the words that others spoke to them.

That’s why it’s important that we are careful about the words we speak, especially those words that come out when we’re angry, irritated or frustrated. All too often in those moments, we say things that later we wish we could take back. Yet, those words never seem to go away. We may say we’re sorry, we may try and make amends, but we can never make erase those words, once spoken.

Part of what makes those words so powerful is the intensity with which they are said. Let’s say that you’re having an argument with your wife, and in the midst of it you blurt out, “I can’t stand you when you’re like that.” Those words are going to go right to the center of your wife’s being, cutting all the way. She won’t hear it as there’s something that she does which bothers you. What she’ll hear is, “I can’t stand you.” That’s the painful, destructive memory which will burn into her heart.

After that, it doesn’t matter how many times you tell her you love her, the overpowering memory will be that you can’t stand her. The intensity of those words, spoken in the passion of a momentary loss of self-control, will be with her forever. No matter how hard you try, they can’t be erased.

I’m not saying that we’re the only ones who say destructive things like that; women do it too. I’d say that men and women are equally skilled at saying destructive things to each other, causing the same types of hurts. However, I think they typically have a greater impact on the women, because they are more emotionally oriented.

There is one important difference between men and women, when it comes to this type of negative communication. That is, women will express generalities in a way that makes it seem like it’s their husband’s fault. They turn the general into something personal. For example, if a woman is feeling unloved, regardless of the reason, she’ll express it as “You don’t love me.” Or, another case might be where she feels frustrated about something, say something at work, and jumps on you for something that you do which is frustrating to her.

Here’s where we can make a difference in this problem. That is, don’t take it personally. Just because your wife is expressing frustration at you or saying that you never take her out anyplace, doesn’t really mean that she thinks that. It means that she is feeling that way at that moment, nothing more.

If you have a business dinner in a fancy restaurant, which your wife has been wanting to go to, there’s a pretty good chance that she’ll say that you never take her out. You might be confused, thinking of the weekly date night which you’ve been doing for the last year. But, she’s not really saying that you never take her out at all, she’s saying that she feels jealous of your opportunity to go to that restaurant, because she wants to go there.

So, how to you deal with this? The first step is to realize that even though she’s directing it at you, she’s not talking about you. Then, forgive her. You don’t have to do that to her face, but you do have to do it. Finally, try and figure out what the true message is behind what she’s saying.

I realize that decoding “woman speak” is an almost impossible challenge. They have meanings for words and ways of putting ideas together that no man can fathom. Nevertheless, we can at least get some clues about what it is that’s motivating them to say what they are saying. When they say something negative, out of frustration, there’s always something behind it. Look beyond the words, to see where she might be hurting. That gives you a clue in how to love your wife better.

Ignore Her, Maybe She’ll go Away

We’ve been talking about romance for over a year now, but for some of you, it just doesn’t seem to be working. You know, there are just some women who don’t respond, no matter what you do. I don’t know if it’s that they’re romantically deaf, don’t care or that their heart, like the Grinch’s is just three sizes too small.

Whatever it is, the poor guys who married these women are in a world of hurt. They’re the ones whose wives are convinced that whatever they do is wrong. In fact, I just recently saw a T-shirt that speaks of this. It said, “If a man talks in the woods, and there are no women around to hear him, is he still wrong?” What can I say?

While most women are fairly quick to respond to romance, there are always those few who have read the playbook, know what we are going to do and have already dismissed it. To them, it doesn’t matter how romantic the act is, it’s not new, so they don’t care.

I can see only one final solution to these cases, ignore her, maybe she’ll go away. Just think, at least you won’t have anyone nagging at you and telling you that you’re wrong. Peace and quiet, just like you’ve dreamed of it. You can watch the ball game without anyone telling you to go cut the grass. You can leave all your dirty clothes on the floor and nobody will care. Why, you could even have all night card games with the guys and nobody would be the wiser.

Okay, you’ll lose a few things as well; but, so what? Isn’t peace in your home worth it? Isn’t it worth it, so that you can be your own boss once again? You’ve looked with jealousy at the guys who are single, wishing you were amongst their number, so why not rejoin them?

Now, it might take a while to convince her that your ignoring her is serious, but stick to your guns. You’ve had an excellent teacher… her. So, just do unto her as she’s done to you. Eventually she’ll get the message. But remember, slip up once and you’ll have to start the clock over once again.

P.S. For those of you who think I’m serious, just remember what day it is.

Spring Gardening

We all know that women like flowers. At one time or another, I’ve given you some ideas of how to use flowers as a romantic act; not that giving her flowers is something that’s hard to figure out on your own, but they’re always a good idea. There is definitely a romantic connotation to giving flowers.

Well, why not give her a whole bunch of flowers. Now, that doesn’t mean that you’re going to get more points. Remember, it’s only one point per romantic act. However, there are some acts which manage to give more points, simply because she sees it over and over again. For example, you come home from work with a bunch of flowers one day. Okay, you get one point; that’s great. But, sometimes, you can get more mileage out of those flowers; not by anything you do, but by what she does. You see, every time she sees those flowers, there’s the chance that she’ll remember you giving them to her. Ding! You get another point. Or, if she tells one of her friends what you did, ding, you get another point.

Okay, so maybe we can capitalize on this a bit. Since it’s spring and we know that our wives like flowers, let’s get them some flowers. Only, this time, let’s make sure that those flowers will stick around for a while. In other words, let’s plant them outside for her.

It really doesn’t matter if the flowers we give our wives are inside the house or outside the house, just that we give her flowers. Granted, if they’re inside the house, she’s probably going to see them more often. But, that flower bed in the front yard is something she’s going to see every time she leaves the house and every time she comes home. Not only will she see it, but she’ll take special notice every time a flower blooms.

While there’s no way that I can guarantee you’ll get a point every time she looks at the flowers you planted for her, that opportunity does exist; especially when the new flowers bloom.

You can even make this a project that you do together and still reap points in the romance department. Have her go with you to pick out the flowers; that’s one romantic act. Then you can make the flower bed on your own. Finally, you can plant the flowers together, that’s romantic, because you’re doing something together.

Of course, you can always cut some of the flowers your garden grows and put them in a vase on the kitchen table when she’s not looking. I’d say that would count as another romantic act. Just make sure that you don’t mess up the flower garden when you do that. 

An Old-Fashioned Expression of Love

It can be a bit challenging to continually come up with new ways to express your love to your wife. Of course, you can continue to do the old ones, but women like new things; they like it when you can surprise them with something, especially when you can surprise them with some new expression of love. So, variety is an important part of romance.

Let me explain. If you buy your wife flowers, she thinks you’re romantic. If you buy them the second day, she thinks you’re really romantic. On the third day, she’s bragging to her friends about how romantic you are. But, when you come home with flowers on the fourth day, she’s going to wonder what you’re up to. By the end of the week, her reaction is more like “Oh, flowers again, ho hum, that’s nice.” It’s not that she doesn’t like flowers any more, it’s just that it’s become routine.

While I have yet to find a woman who doesn’t like her husband to tell her he loves her, I’m sure that just saying so can become routine as well. That doesn’t eliminate the importance of telling her, it just shows that we need to add some variety to keep things fresh.

For those of you who are old enough to remember, one way that we used to express love was to carve a heart with our initials in the bark of a tree. Now, I realize that’s not a high-tech way of expressing love, but you know, love doesn’t require high-tech. love has existed since before tech existed. People were able to express love to one another before technology came along, and believe it or not, we still can.

Now, I’m not a fan of vandalism, so I’m going to avoid doing this romantic act in the park. Instead, I’d like to suggest that you pick a tree in your own yard, and carve your initials in it. Make sure you’ve got a good, sharp pocket knife, preferably one with a locking blade. You really don’t want to get cut in the process of showing your love.

It’s up to you whether you do it, then show her, or take her with you while you do it. I guess that depends a bit on how good you are at carving. You may want to practice a bit, before showing off your new artistic ability to your wife.

One of the neat things about this is its permanence. I’ve seen trees with initials carved in them in rather remote places; places where not many people go. I always wonder when it was done, and by whom. Well, if you carve your heart in a tree in your back yard, whoever lives in that house after you will be wondering who you were. 

Not for the Faint of Heart

Okay, I’m warning you. Before you read this one, make sure you’re ready. This isn’t for the faint of heart, but just for those who are truly ready to do whatever it takes to be romantic. Remember the verse that says, “Greater love hath no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” Well, this is going to be a real-world application of that verse.

Are you a sports fan? Do you enjoy watching the game, maybe shooting some hoops, a little touch football with your buds? Have you ever heard of the women’s favorite sport? Yep, you bet, they have one too. Only, it’s a bit different than our idea of sports. I guess that makes sense, since they’re women.

Well, let me introduce you to their favorite sport. Are you ready? It’s called… shopping. Yep, that’s their idea of sports. Granted, there might be one or two women in the world who don’t like to go shopping, but that’s it. Women are genetically pre-disposed to shopping. Yep, they’ve got the shopping gene, something that us guys don’t have. It must be stuck on the X chromosome that we don’t have.

If you really want to get specific about that shopping chromosome, it’s not just about shopping, although that is great in and of itself, but about clothes shopping. If there’s anything that would be considered the peak of sensual enjoyment for a woman, it’s an entire day of clothes shopping.

Now, this term “shopping” requires some definition, because women and men don’t define that word the same. For a man, going shopping means going to the store, finding what you need and getting out the door as fast as we possibly can. We’re all shooting for the world’s record in who can have the shortest shopping trip.

When my wife was teaching full-time, I ended up doing the grocery shopping on a regular basis. I had it down to a system, I’ll tell you. I had my shopping list pre-printed, with all the standard stuff we used in the house, organized by categories to make it easier to find. Before I left the house, I’d check that list, to be sure I knew exactly what we needed. Then, when I hit the front of the store, I had a specific pattern I’d take through the aisles, to maximize my shopping efficiency and not waste a single step. I could go from in the door to out the door in 30 minutes flat, with enough groceries organized by categories in my reusable shopping bags to feed my family for a week.

Once, I needed to go grocery shopping with my wife and our office assistant in tow. When we walked out the door in under thirty minutes, they were shell shocked. They couldn’t believe I’d actually done it. The office assistant kept babbling something about never being in a store for so short a time.

Okay, that’s male shopping; but, I’ve got to tell you, female shopping has absolutely nothing in common. You see, guys are hunters, while women are gatherers. To them, it’s not about the goal of buying something, that’s a side issue. Nor is it about the idea of getting done. No, what they’re after is the experience of shopping. Yep, that’s right, they enjoy just looking, touching, trying on and sorting through all that stuff.

I realize that sounds unbelievable, but it’s true. A woman can enjoy herself shopping, even without spending one single dime. It doesn’t matter if they find what they’re looking for or not, just that they got to go shopping. Even better, that they got to go shopping with a friend; sharing the experience.

Okay, so what does that have to do with you? Simple, you’re supposed to be your wife’s best friend. So, what do best friends do together? If they’re estrogen driven, they go shopping; even if they’re stressed out. In fact, I’d have to say especially if they’re stressed out. It’s called “shopping therapy,” which is even better for them than “beauty parlor therapy.”

So, your mission, if you should decide to accept it, is to go shopping with your wife. I don’t mean going to buy the groceries, I mean going clothes shopping. Yep, go help her enjoy picking through all the clothes, trying things on and just plain enjoying the experience of it.

Now, I know this may not sound like fun to you, so let me give you a few survival tips. First of all, bring something to do, like a good book or your iPad. You’re going to get bored, so you’d better be prepared. Secondly, be sure to bring a tall cold drink with you. You’re going to need it, as you cross that desert of women’s clothes. Third, be sure to wear comfortable shoes; you’ve never walked so far in your life.

The last preparatory activity is the most important. Go through her closet. Check sizes, colors and styles, so you have an idea what she might be interested in. You’ll want to at least look like you know something about clothes.

You need to do a little more than sit in some corner with your book and drink though. You do need to spend at least some of the time looking at stuff with her. Actually, if you really want to gain some brownie points, take a quick turn around the store and find something for her to try on, preferably something that you think she’d look good in. That’ll really make you part of the team.

Here’s the other important part, make sure that you sit where you can see her come out of the dressing room, when she’s trying all that stuff on. That way, you can make comments on it. Just try and keep your comments as upbeat as possible; but don’t lie. Don’t tell her that something looks great on her, if it doesn’t. Just suggest that she try something else.

Remember, it’s not about getting in and out as fast as possible. Don’t plan on getting out quick, plan on spending lots of time there with her. Let her drag it out and enjoy it. That’s why you brought a good book with you.

So, are you up to the challenge? Can you hack it? She’ll love it if you do.

Put a Cap on the Grumbling

You know, if we’d watch our own reactions to things as closely as we watch our wife's reactions, we’d be amazed by what we saw. Really, many of our reactions are much different than what we think they are, specifically much more negative than we think they are. We notice it when our wives react negatively, but we ignore it or even justify it when we do.

Take, for example, our reaction when they ask us to do something. Now, we probably think nothing of it, but most of the time, when our wives ask us to do something, we grumble about it. That grumbling only gets louder when what they ask us to do something which will interrupt what we are already doing.

Actually, most of what they ask us to do really isn’t all that hard. Okay, okay, painting the house is a bit of a project, I’ll agree; but taking the garbage out isn’t. Yet, we grumble about taking out the garbage, as if we had to slay three dragons, run through a minefield and pay the orthodontist, just to get from the house and the curb. C’mon now, it’s really not all that bad.

Let’s take a look from her point of view for a change. How do you think your wife feels when she asks you to do something and you grumble about it? Do you think that makes her feel loved? How about important? Maybe it makes her feel like you’re committed to the marriage? Or, possibly she sees it as your way of saying “Yes dear?” No, you know it doesn’t come across as any of that.

With enough of that grumbling you can actually get your wife to stop asking you to do anything. How’s that for a deal? All you have to do is keep up the grumbling and she’ll leave you alone. Of course, she’ll probably stop doing some things that you want her to do as well; but hey, that’s not much of a price to pay, is it? Or, is it really too much of a price to pay?

Remember those pesky little vows we took at the wedding. Wasn’t there something in there about “better or worse?” Well, guess what, we may have just found a little piece of the worse. Actually, it’s not all that bad. If the worst thing you have to deal with in your life is taking out the garbage or teaching her how to copy a computer file for the umpteenth time is the worst thing that happens in your life, you’ve got it made.

The point is, when you married her, you committed to giving her all that you are, just as she committed to give you all that she is. “Giving all” also means being available to her when she needs you, no matter what it is. Without grumbling. 

Is There Something She Runs Out Of?

I think most of us guys tend to prefer leaving the shopping to our wives. I mean, they seem to have that shopping gene and we don’t; so, why bother suffering through going to the store, when we can leave that in their quite capable hands. Not only do we avoid the suffering, but they get to enjoy themselves. Sounds like a win-win situation to me.

Of course, there are some things that we’ve got to shop for on our own. I don’t really trust my wife to go to the hardware store, without some really explicit instructions. Maybe your wife understands that stuff, but my wife sure doesn’t. So, I don’t usually send her to the hardware store, or the office supply store for that matter. There are some things which I have to shop for myself, much as I don’t want to.

I’ve actually found another category where it makes sense for me to do the shopping; that is to shop for things she has a tendency to run out of. Little things, like safety pins and band-aids. My wife notices she’s out of them when she needs one. I notice when I see the box almost empty.

Let’ me give you an example. When I feed the dog in the morning, I automatically look to see how much dog food there is, and think “Okay, there’s enough to last another 10 days or so.” My wife doesn’t do that; she looks at it and sees, “Okay, there’s dog food.” That happens because generally speaking (which means that I’m going to be generally wrong), man are more long-term planners than women are. So, I’m doing that all day long, with everything I use, without really thinking about it.

There’s three ways I can deal with those things when I see them. The first one, which we guys are really good at, is to ignore it. “After all,” I can say to myself, “she’s the one who does the shopping.” That’s all it takes to assuage any guilt I might feel. While that’s the easy out, it’s not the responsible answer. My second option is to put it on the shopping list. At least that way I’m doing something to contribute to the benefit of the family. Or, the third option is that I can buy it myself.

I know, I know, that almost sounds like heresy. Why in the world would I buy it myself, when I know that my wife is going to the store anyway? Well, here’s where shopping can get romantic. Granted, buying flowers and candy for your wife is romantic, but here’s another way. When I see that my wife is about out of something, I make a note to buy it. That way, when she runs out of it, I have a reserve supply for her.

However, I don’t buy it and just put it in the cabinet; I buy it and keep it. That way, when she needs it, I can produce it for her. Okay, so I’m trying to get some kudos here, so what? The point isn’t just buying it; the point is that she knows that I’m taking care of her. Granted, it’s something small. But, when she needs it, it’s not that small to her.

Now, I don’t do this with everything, nor can I come anywhere near claiming to do it all the time. What I do is make a note of it on my tablet, so that when I’m in the store, I can check to see if there’s anything extra I should pick up. There are many times where she buys it before I go to the store. There are other times where I totally forget about it. But, when I can remember to do it, I do. It’s just another little way of showing my wife that I care about her.